Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata
Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.
I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest
Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.
You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place. [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho
Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?
Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx Be Good with jockey A. Perez at 112 pounds; the hope is the lighter load will be easier in the heated air. Any thoughts?
A horse is a horse
Dear Exacta mente,
Who do you think I am? Charles Bukowski, or worse your pinche bookie? So you like mares and fillies with 5 1/2 furlongs. I thought waxing was the “in” thing these days.
Well, seeing how you’re looking at La Sancha, it’s safe to say you like the exotic wagers. Smart move, you can kill two ponies with a two-peso quinella and come out quite the stud. Speaking of stud, what say you meet me with your winnings at the Turf Club? Remember to dress “smart casual.” I’ll be in my fancy muumuu. [Mas…]
Hey Old Lady!
Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel.
YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE WONT GO. Don’t tase me bro hahah. I fought the law and law Juan. law Juan get it? Rock and roll will always die it will always be yakkity yak don’t talk back take out the papers and the trash or you dont get no steenkin cash. You have advice for me OLD LADY?
Why you smell like mota and not mocha? hahahaha.
Signed, Dada Doodoo
Dear Dodo Bird,
Que idiota! Have the drogas worn off yet? I don’t have time for your paranoid rants and raves. There are perfectly good street corners for you to stand on for spewing this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you go find one and leave me alone. Make sure you get there early before the OG vatos from Victory Outreach beat you to it. Better yet, stand on a corner opposite them and use your Mr. Microphone. I know you have one. [Mas…]
Dear Abeulita:
Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem.
I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at hotel we are staying. The worse of it is that bags, cash and cards and my cell phone was stolen at during the incident and it’s such a crazy experience for us. Now, we stranded here without any money with us and we to need fly back home. Although we are so happy that we are physically OK and our passport still save with us.
We have been to police to make report about the incident but the best help they could render to us is that they took us to the embassy. Now, embassy have arrange a flight for us which was schedule on 15th of August but we don’t want to wait long anymore before we can get back home. I have been able to raise some money for the ticket but we are still short of little cash to complete the money and I will appreciate if you can be able to help us out with the little cash that we need.
I promise that i will pay you back any amount you can loan me as soon as i get back home. I will like you to get back to me as soon as possible Thanks you,
Signed, Your Nephew Carlos Abuelito
Dear Imposter,
Mentiroso, I don’t have a nephew Carlos and if I did he would never be a bleeding wanker like you. Instead he would enjoy an extended holiday in London, mostly indulging in British cuisine. [Mas…]
