María Purísima

(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends.

The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.”

Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too much of a drunk, works hard, and doesn’t beat you, he’s “good husband material.” [Mas…]

hongkongdemo(PNS reporting from FRESNO) The 16 Cal State Fresno MEChA students who flew to Hong Kong to join the student protest — but were quickly kicked out of the demonstration — returned home late Sunday night.

The students were ejected from Occupy Central after Hong Kong student organizers discovered that the Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de Aztlán backed the Chinese Communist government. As the only Reds participating in the protests, their calls for “revolution” differed significantly from the protestors’ demands. [Mas…]

buttockssquare(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Selena Gomez plans to sue the National Security Agency for photographing her naked and publishing the photos on the Internets last week, according to a statement just released by her attorney.

“Ms. Gomez was minding her own business, just watching some YouTube videos while she got dressed for a Hollywood function,” Century City lawyer Nigel Zucker told reporters at a press conference here Tuesday morning.

“The NSA illegally hacked the camera on her Dell Latitude E7240 thin and light UltraBook running Windows 8.1 and took several unauthorized videos and photos of her au naturel. If that’s what they mean by Intel Inside, we won’t have any part of it!”

“Ms. Gomez is a victim here and we intend to use the law to bring the responsible parties to justice,” the attorney told the media at a hastily-called Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel briefing. “She didn’t even know these photos existed until they showed up online! Thanks for nothing, Obama!”
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spokesman(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Gerardo Lamas, the official spokesman for all Hispanics in the United States, resigned Thursday night.

“This is a bullshit job and I’ll never be able to please anybody,” he told PNS in a late-night phone call. “I mean, I’ve been at this for a while, and let me tell you, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Que effin’ lastima, right? I’m throwing up my hands!”

“The truth is it’s ridiculous to expect one person to be able to speak for millions from diverse backgrounds, geopolitical situations, economic castes and region-specific cultures,” he said. “Rachel Maddow calls, Fox News calls, Esteban Colberto calls, and even your guy Al Madrigal from The Daily Show calls. Thank God for Caller ID!” [Mas…]

hispanicguy(PNS reporting from IRVINE, CA) Roland Vega, 33, formerly known as “Rolando,” has come to an important moment in his life: He’s transitioned from a “Chicano” to a “Hispanic.”

The decision to change the way he self-identifies came as somewhat of a shock to his family and his homeboys, but not necessarily to Vega’s former Hispanic fraternity brothers.

He made the announcement on Facebook Sunday night.

“You know, Roli — er, I mean, Roland — was always the most radical Chicano in the fraternity, but c’mon man, he was studying accounting. I kinda always knew he was going to end up a Hispanic,” said Ed Taboada, Vega’s college roommate. [Mas…]

joemillerracistmailer (PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination.

“His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job keeping the thriving Latino community of Alaska in check,” read a press release issued Thursday by Cecilia Jones, the president of National Organization for Minorities, Advertisements, Media Exposure and Symbolism. “And that especially goes for your drug-dealing border-crossing tat-wearing illegal alien Democrat voters!” [Mas…]

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Watch this Pakistani man make mega tortillas de harina

by JEFE BOYARDEE August 7, 2014 Cultura
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Actually, they call this flatbread “roti” or “chapati” in Pakistan and India but they’re all tortillas to me. Note: Totally tubular comal! BIG LIST O’ FLATBREADS OF THE WORLD:

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Just 8% of SF/fantasy stars are pochos but Zoe Saldaña will save us

by María Purísima August 4, 2014 Cultura
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Almost no science fiction and fantasy movies feature protagonists of color — not to mention women of color — but thankfully we have Zoe Saldaña! Check out this study and awful infographic from Lee & Low Books:

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Happy Mexican Dancing Horse Day! (videos)

by María Purísima July 30, 2014 Cultura
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Post by Pal Feis Tucson.   OK, we made up Mexican Dancing Horse Day, but we think there should be holiday like that, with Banda music and all the oats you can eat! Above is a brand-new dancing horse video, and here’s a classic dancing horse FAIL video:

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Is that prickly in your pocket or are just happy to see me? (photo)

by María Purísima July 10, 2014 Cultura
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Zombies in the Hood, A True Story (video)

by BLOOD IN-N-OUT July 9, 2014 Cultura
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Sometimes you feel like a zombie, sometimes you need to just pop a cap on his pinche butt. Especially when they sing and dance! [SFW but gangs, guns, gore.] PREVIOUSLY ON ZOMBIES:

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Video: Guy dresses as banana, hires mariachis, quits job

by María Purísima June 4, 2014 Cultura
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If you’re gonna quit your shitty insurance company job, why not make it a fiesta? All you need is a banana suit and some mariachis…. PREVIOUSLY ON MARIACHIS:

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Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

by María Purísima May 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

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Popular Kids: It doesn’t get any better (video)

by María Purísima February 23, 2014 Cultura
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A special PSA for popular high school kids who are on top of the world: enjoy it, because it won’t last. It doesn’t get better. Take note, be warned and good luck!

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Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies

by María Purísima & Nancy Marie Arteaga February 23, 2014 El Now
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Selfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page. 8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face. 7. The “I’m in the bathroom […]

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Mariachis do Avicii’s ‘Wake Me Up’ (video)

by María Purísima February 19, 2014 Cultura
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It’s one thing to like pop music, quite another to love mariachi pop music. We thought this mariachi take on “Wake Me Up” by Aviccii was a good exception. Watch, share and enjoy! Mariachi image via anja_johnson

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Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

by María Purísima February 4, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams. “You know, I […]

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New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

by María Purísima January 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.” “Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,” […]

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Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

by María Purísima January 28, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night. “He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So […]

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¡Wachale! POCHO Public Service New Year 2014 Punctuation Alert

by María Purísima December 28, 2013 Cartoons
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The tilde — don’t leave home without it! Please share! PREVIOUSLY ON HOLIDAY CULTURE ALERTS:

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Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

by María Purísima December 11, 2013 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances. “Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of […]

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I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

by María Purísima December 4, 2013 Cultura
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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old! Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a […]

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