María Purísima

bigheartnopal

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Sometimes you feel like a zombie, sometimes you need to just pop a cap on his pinche butt. Especially when they sing and dance! [SFW but gangs, guns, gore.]

PREVIOUSLY ON ZOMBIES: [Mas…]

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If you’re gonna quit your shitty insurance company job, why not make it a fiesta? All you need is a banana suit and some mariachis….

PREVIOUSLY ON MARIACHIS: [Mas…]

broncof(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported. [Mas…]


A special PSA for popular high school kids who are on top of the world: enjoy it, because it won’t last.

It doesn’t get better.

Take note, be warned and good luck!

thumbSelfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page.

8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face.

7. The “I’m in the bathroom but I swear I didn’t just take a shit” selfie featuring a peace sign, your face, the bathroom mirror and the toilet you just used in the background.

6. The “Look I have friends, I swear” selfie with a group of people you never talk about or reference, but refer to as “besties,” “bros,” or “homies” every few months in the selfies you take together. [Mas…]


It’s one thing to like pop music, quite another to love mariachi pop music.

We thought this mariachi take on “Wake Me Up” by Aviccii was a good exception.

Watch, share and enjoy!

Mariachi image via anja_johnson

Bill-Clinton almadrigal400 Kanye-West

(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams.

“You know, I think it was Fate — with a capital ‘F.’ It was 3:42 PM on a Thursday and I was feeling frustrated at my account manager job at an international insurance company. I felt a spiritual lightness I had never experienced before,” the Arlington Heights man told PNS.

“It was amazing, like all my ennui and weltschmerz was gone!” [Mas…]

New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

by María Purísima January 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.” “Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,” […]

[Mas…]

Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

by María Purísima January 28, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night. “He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So […]

[Mas…]

¡Wachale! POCHO Public Service New Year 2014 Punctuation Alert

by María Purísima December 28, 2013 Cartoons
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The tilde — don’t leave home without it! Please share! PREVIOUSLY ON HOLIDAY CULTURE ALERTS:

[Mas…]

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

by María Purísima December 11, 2013 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances. “Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of […]

[Mas…]

I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

by María Purísima December 4, 2013 Cultura
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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old! Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a […]

[Mas…]

Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends

by María Purísima November 14, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls. “Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn […]

[Mas…]

A fashion trend from the 1990s — chanclas with socks — is back

by María Purísima November 13, 2013 Cultura
Thumbnail image for A fashion trend from the 1990s — chanclas with socks — is back

(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Some fashion trends from the 1990s have been back in vogue for a while — everything from flannel to baby doll dresses and chokers — but one fashion trend has insiders abuzz this Fall: Chanclas with socks, newly re-branded as Chocks. Rebuffed by mainstream fashion in the 1990s, the […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Hillary Clinton taps Julián Castro for VP spot

by María Purísima November 11, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Hillary Clinton formally announced her candidacy for President Sunday night, and PNS has learned San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro will be her running mate. “Latinos are the ‘in’ thing — and Hillary knows that — she’s never been one to ignore what’s in vogue,” a source close to the campaign […]

[Mas…]

New JLo Barbie Doll has no ass — Mattel blames high cost of plastic

by María Purísima November 8, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) The new Jennifer Lopez Barbie Doll has a suspicious lack of derriere, hurting Mattel’s effort to pander to cater to the young Latina market. The outcry, mostly online, prompted Mattel to a hold real live press conference here Thursday to try and do some damage control. “The steep increase […]

[Mas…]

Oxford: Big butt women are smarter, healthier *UPDATED w/ VIDEO

by María Purísima November 2, 2013 El Now
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* An interview with the University of Oxford butt fat researcher [Updated 7:45 PM PDT Nov. 2, 2013.] (PNS reporting from ENGLAND) Scientists at the University of Oxford have uncovered evidence that women with big butts are not only the most intelligent, but also the most resistant to chronic illnesses. The study examined the fat […]

[Mas…]

Birthers question Sen. Wendy Davis of Texas: ‘Is she really white?’

by MARIA PURISIMA AND ERESNERD October 18, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Local “birthers” have temporarily put aside their doubts about Pres. Barack Obama’s citizenship to a focus on a question closer to home: Is Texas State Senator Wendy Davis – a Democratic candidate for governor – a secret Latina? They assert that Davis is the Anglo version of Juana; that Davis was born into […]

[Mas…]

JLo wins Espiritu Award for playing Mexicans

by María Purísima October 16, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Actress Jennifer Lopez was honored at the Espiritu Awards last night, netting the coveted Best Non-Mexican Actress Who Plays A Mexican In Every Role Award. “I’m just so grateful to all of you who see in me what every casting agent in Hollywood sees: a Mexican. Which is actually better […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Scientists ID ‘empty the trash’ gene in male DNA

by María Purísima October 15, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BOSTON) Geneticists at Boston University have discovered the gene in men that gives them the strength, stamina and expertise to take out the trash. According to an article published Monday in the journal Science, the gene is located near other genetic material that corresponds to mens’ inherent superior ability to mow the […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

by María Purísima October 10, 2013 El Now
Thumbnail image for Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

(PNS reporting from STOCKHOLM)  A Latina math professor was awarded the Nobel Prize in Mathematics Wednesday for her discovery of the mathematical relationship between dress dimensions and the bulbousness of the culo. “It’s such a surprise! I was just trying to figure out how to shop for clothes that would fit me without making me […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

by María Purísima September 17, 2013 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends. “I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why […]

[Mas…]

Twenty-one years ago today, Morrissey discovered Chicanos

by María Purísima September 10, 2013 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) In Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Two, Morrissey sailed the ocean blue — seeking passage to a special show in Indio. With a few wrong turns, Morrissey’s tour bus got lost on the freeway, and the British singer and former frontman of The Smiths ended up at a gas station in […]

[Mas…]