S.J. Rivera

Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’

by S.J. Rivera May 15, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Though the competition was stiffer than Ronald Reagan’s corpse, retired MLB douchebag and Twitter hack Jose Canseco has been declared the Worst Mexican of All Time by ex-professional wrestler The Iron Sheik. Canseco has the “raisin balls” and is an embarrassment to all of Mexico, The Sheik told PNS. The contest [...]

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Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

by S.J. Rivera May 2, 2012 El Now
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As reported by the Miami Herald, there are about 8,000 reasons why Mitt Romney might not pick Florida’s Teabbagged Sen. Marco Rubio for as his running mate. Here are the top eight: 8. Sin Papeles. He’s illegal! It’s debatable who has the wetter back since Romney is from Mexico but Rubio is just as undocumented [...]

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Ex-cyber-cop: Stop border infiltration by Internet-powered ‘netbacks’

by S.J. Rivera April 10, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CYBERESPACE) They slip across the border at night, invisible, hidden in the multitude of American web surfers, bringing with them accented characters, exclamation points turned on their heads and foreign ideas like “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mexican and Mexican-adjacent Internet users called “netbacks” are sucking up American bandwidth and adding so-called [...]

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GOP seeks Hispanic vote, taps Seagal for ‘You’re Busted, Beaner!’

by S.J. Rivera April 2, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Republicans scared to death worried about the GOP’s ridiculously awful poor standing with Hispanic non-Mexican-American voters have launched an election-year scramble to put a better spin on their party’s immigration problem. Their solution? A TV reality show starring Hollywood flunkie and all-around jackass, Steven Seagal. Seagal leads the list of C-level [...]

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Mississippi bill would require ‘green cards’ from Pocho Ricans

by S.J. Rivera March 22, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from OLE MISS) Inspired by the members of the University of Southern Mississippi marching band, state legislators passed a harsh new anti-immigration measure Wednesday and expect the bill to pass the Senate and be signed into law soon by Gov. Phil Bryant. HB 488 requires law enforcement to investigate the immigration status of any [...]

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Florida Burning: Will Trayvon’s ‘killer’ go to jail or get cop job?

by S.J. Rivera March 19, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Local police have reluctantly transferred  the investigation of the fatal shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin at the White Knights gated community to the State Attorney’s Office. The state will now determine if George Zimmerman, the Sanford-area neighborhood watch captain accused of killing Martin, will be charged with a crime or [...]

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ICE unveils first-ever resort-style hotel for immigrant detainees

by S.J. Rivera March 16, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEJAS) U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is opening what they call the first-ever “resort-style hotel” for immigrant detainees. Critics are calling the new Karnes County (TX) Civil Detention Center a “prison for profit” but ICE is marketing it as a migrant “destination” with “vast amenities” that [...]

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Mexican city bans Los Tigres for narcocorrido, actual narcos still OK

by S.J. Rivera March 15, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CHIHUAHUA) The New York Times reports that Mexican super group Los Tigres del Norte, dubbed the Metallica of Norteño Music, has been banned from performing in the state Chihuahua after they sang one of their popular narcocorridos at a cattle expo in Ciudad Juárez. The band began a heavy rendition of La [...]

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Operation Wet Parachute: U.S. to drop Mexican deportees from planes

by S.J. Rivera February 29, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) In an effort to “adapt to current budget realities,” the Federales of Los United Estates will begin flying deported immigrants back to Mexico and dropping them from airplanes over their home states. This plan, dubbed Operation Wet Parachute, is the brainchild of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano who said yesterday she [...]

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Satan speaks: Santorum, the election and Mayan Doomsday

by S.J. Rivera February 23, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday,  claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.” Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera  deep into Hades to interview the Prince of [...]

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