CELINA MARTINEZ

Happy Valentime’s Day! Lessons in Love from Ramón Ayala

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Ramón Ayala

[A Tia Lencha and Aunt Lily Production]

Orale raza! How ju bean?

HAPPY VALENTIME’S DAY! TIA LENCHA IS BACK TO TALK ABOUT LUFF TO YOU POCHOS.

Tia Lencha

Have you heard songs by Ramón Ayala? He’s bigger than Chicano Batman and he knows all about luff. He talks to all of us who no have luck in luff. His songs teash us all about the lessons you learn when jur Corazon (thas heart for ju pochos) is not like the fairy tales on Valentimes Day.

Dis article is written by me, Tia Lencha, and my proper-English-speaking alter ego, Aunt Lily.

Mas…Happy Valentime’s Day! Lessons in Love from Ramón Ayala

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Tia Lencha’s Dispatch: ¡Que Viva Los Doyers! Unlikely Heroes

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This has been quite a week for Fernando Valenzuela and Mexican-American Dodgers and Dodger fans.

Tuesday, Valenzuela, one of my childhood heroes, had his number 34 jersey retired.

There was a whole weekend of festivities in his honor, including a video of his brothers and sister congratulating him all the way from Mexico.

His story always made me proud to be Mexican while I was growing up in the 1980s, when it wasn’t a particularly great time to be Mexican.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Dispatch: ¡Que Viva Los Doyers! Unlikely Heroes

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mijo makes for me a ‘Hipster Taco’

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Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I going to help you make my new faborite taco. The other day I saw my mijo making sonething in the kishen. I so proud. He like to cook like his mama.

I say, “Mijo, what you making?”

He say, “A taco.”

I see that he was using corn tortillas, crumble Oaxaca cheese, scramble eggs, salsa chipotle, and potato ships. I was confuse.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mijo makes for me a ‘Hipster Taco’

Tia Lencha’s Cocina Podcast: Valentime’s Day Aphrodisiac Salsa

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Hello pochos y pochas! Guess gwhat? Tia Lencha has a special surprise for ju for Valentimes Day! A new podcast! Yes! Now ju can hear Tia Lencha on the google! (Actually m’ijo says it’s Tia Lencha’s Cocina on iTunes and Spotify podcasts).

Anygways, I haf so mush to tell ju!

Gwhy did I make the podcast? Ju may gwonder. I gwas tire of ladies writing to me saying that I make so mush grammatical mistakes when I talk. I no make grammatical mistakes! They just don know how to read Espanglish.

How did I make the podcast? Ju may gwonder. M’ijo stopped playing video games long enough to put Tia Lencha’s voice on the google. (He say it’s not the google, but ju know what I mean, verdad?).

Who is in the podcast? Ju may gwonder. Is me, and M’ijo’s Daddy (played by actor David Acosta). M’ijo’s Daddy got dump by the Eskeleton Lady and now he hang around Tia Lencha’s house eberyday like one of those flies that get in the house and ju can’t get out.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina Podcast: Valentime’s Day Aphrodisiac Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Taco Truck ❤️Love Guide❤️ for Valentime’s Day

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Hapi Valentime’s Day, pochos! Is Tia Lencha here.

In honor of the day of loff, and becos I haf been eating tacos since forever, and becos I gwant to share my loff gwith ju, I make a loff guide so ju can know things about your novio or novia when they take ju to eat at a taco truck – becos what else is so romantical?

After carefully I observe peoples at the taco truck, I made this taco guide, gwell, is like a astrology, but for tacos.

CLICK ON THE TACO MEAT CHOICES TO REVEAL THEIR MEANINGS:

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Taco Truck ❤️Love Guide❤️ for Valentime’s Day

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Is Cinco de Mayo Fake News?

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Yesterday, mijo ask me gwhy peoples celebrate the Cinco de Mayo.

“Is because of the Battle of Puebla,” I tole him.

“Do people in Mexico get borrachos and crazy like they do here in the United States?”

“Crazy? No. The kids get day off from eschool and then some mens dresses up in the pueblo of Puebla and play like is the battle happening again.”

“No crazy borrachos?”

“No, is more like kids eating candy and washing TV.”

“Is it about Mexican people being proud of their culture?”

“No,” I say. “I’m no proud of gringos gwearing sombreros and eating chimichangas.”

“Are chimichangas Mexican?”

“I don know. I never ate one,” I say. “But the gringos love to eat the food with all the cheez I don know what it is.”

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Is Cinco de Mayo Fake News?

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: I’m making tacos for teashers at Mijo’s eschool

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Hola, is Tia Lencha here, in my kishen making tacos for the teashers at Mijo’s eschool.

The teashers are having a estrike becoz they want all the niños (thas kids for you pochos) no to be like sardines in the classrooms. Mijo says there are 40 estudens in his class! How can the teasher pay attenshun to so many niños? I can barely pay attenshun to Mijo when my favorite novela is on the televishun.

Mijo is helping me make the tacos for the teashers. He believes in la causa of the estrike. He says is no about the money only for teashers. Even though they get pay caca, those teashers. I always buy them giff cards for Targuess or Estarbus for all the holidays, so they can buy a relaxing candle or sone coffee. I dunno why, but teashers like coffee so much!

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: I’m making tacos for teashers at Mijo’s eschool

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: I Teash You How to Make the Three Kings Bread

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Hello! Is Tia Lencha here! Today I teash you to make the Three Kings Bread, ju know, the one with the Baby Jesus in it? Jes, tha one.

I haf many things to celebrate, m’ijo get good grades, he has good healthy, he still helps me put my recipes on the google, and oso, Tia Lencha has a novio. Jes, a new one. Don’t jodge. His name is Axl Rosen. He is a Jewish. He didn’t know what the Three Kings Bread is, so I make for him.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: I Teash You How to Make the Three Kings Bread

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mi Thanksgiving Day turkey al pastor tacos

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lenchatacosHappy Mexican Thanksgiving Day!

Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.

When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mi Thanksgiving Day turkey al pastor tacos

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Cinco de Mayo fruity virgin Micheladas for ju

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Hola! Is Tia Lencha here.

tiacincoI going to help ju make a new drink for Cinco de Mayo. Is fruity and a virgin. Ju know, with no beers. Get jur mind out of the trash can, cochinos!

I think of the new drink when mijo ask me to taste my watermelons michelada. I think to myself, what if he like it? Will he want to drink beers? I don’t want him to be like mijo’s daddy who drink beers and fall asleep in the tub with his chonies wet with his own pee pee (thas urine for ju pochos). So I make mijo a drink, one that is virgin, and he taste it and he like it, and I taste it and I like it.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Cinco de Mayo fruity virgin Micheladas for ju

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mijo’s Manly Breakfast Burrito

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The other day mijo say he gwanted a burrito for breakfast.

“OK,” I say, and I start to look for my refry beans.

“No,” mijo say. That is the burrito you make me gwhen I was little.”

“Ju don’t like it?” I say.

“I gwant somesing more like for a man.”

“A man?”

“Ju know, a man that goes to gwork and he has a burrito wrapped in aluminio.” (That’s aluminum foil for ju pochos).

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Mijo’s Manly Breakfast Burrito

A POCHO editor explains Spanglish to gente in España

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Spanglish is only one of the dialects created by people who straddle two culturas.

(See what I did there? )

The underlying assumption of Spanglish is that one language is not enough to capture the full experience of being immersed in two cultures.

The gente who use Spanglish are primarily first and second generation Latinos in the United States. I would say the phenomenon springs from the working classes and the sons and daughters of immigrants to the United States (not to exclude the immigrants themselves).

Mas…A POCHO editor explains Spanglish to gente in España

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Hot Sexy Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

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salsainabowlI’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Hot Sexy Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted Red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa Salsa

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jarosalsaHola. Is Tia Lencha here.

Ju want to give presens to eberyone on your Chrismas list or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Reyes Magos or Chinese Year but ju are short on dinero? No worry! Tia Lencha is going to give ju recipe for to make the oven roast red salsa!

Is nice! Is a good gift for the peoples! And is easy! No like making mole for Turkey Day.

I make this salsa to give to my comadres and the lob it. They have little hearts in their eyes when they see my salsa. They eat with almost eberything. They say they fight their childrens and viejos to eat the last drops of it in the jar. Is that good. Oso, it don’t matter if the peoples are no Mexican. The peoples at my job are no Mexican and they ask me for the salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted Red Chanukah Christmas Kwanzaa Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Oh jes! Thanksgiving turkey al pastor tacos

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lenchatacosHappy Mexican Thanksgiving Day!

Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.

When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Oh jes! Thanksgiving turkey al pastor tacos

People say: ‘Tia Lencha, what does ju say about Donal Tromp?’

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tialencha300I say there are racists, or Marxists, or Russia-level fascists
An orange glo-worm that hashes and dashes.

“Hey Beaner,” said the weiner, “go back to Mexico!”
Three gueros in a car. I yell back at the guero,
“Oh yeah? Thas not bery far.”

And the white people say, there’s no racists, or Marxists,
Or Russia level fascists, no orange colored glo-worm
That hashes and dashes

Mas…People say: ‘Tia Lencha, what does ju say about Donal Tromp?’

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How I make mijo’s daddy Day of the Dead altar

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muertosaltarHola! Is Tia Lencha here! I haf big news! I move to Los Angeles in the California! And I find a novio! Can ju believe?

Is a new life here. My novio and I met on the Google when I live in New Jork. Then he visit from Los Angeles and I visit from New Jork and now I live in Los Angeles. He make me micheladas and likes walking romatical to the taco trucks. Tia Lencha has little hearts in her eyes.

Okay, but I can’t leave my pochos without some advice. One pocho ask me, how ju build an altar for Día de los Muertos? I tell ju how!

I make an altar for my old life with mijo’s daddy in New Jork as a sample, okey?

We make Mijo’s Daddy Day of the Dead altar:

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How I make mijo’s daddy Day of the Dead altar

Tia Lencha: What pochos need to know about El Dia de Los Muertos

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Happy Day of the Dead! Is Tia Lencha here. Many people ask me questions about Dia de Los Muertos. I answer the questions today.

Question numero one: Tia Lencha wass this Dia de los Muertos? Is it the Mexican Halloween?
Gwell, kind of, I say. Except that the Day of the Dead celebrations come from the indigenous pagan rituals that trace back 2,500 to 3,000 years ago. Way before Duane Reade sold Halloween candy.

Question numero two: Tia Lencha, wassup with the calaveras (“skulls” for you pochos)?
Bueno, before Jesus came along, people used to keep skulls of their loved ones (and maybe not so loved ones) as trophies. They showed off the skulls during the rituals as symbols of death and rebirth. Kind of heavy, no? I never say my history was all tequila shots and tacos.

Also, calaveras can be short poems, like epitaphs like to mock your friends. Like you can make fun of them on their tombstones. Like for mijo’s daddy, I wrote a calavera about him call “Oscar Meyer” because he like to stick his weenie ebrywhere! He no think it was so funny.

Mas…Tia Lencha: What pochos need to know about El Dia de Los Muertos

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: That time Mijo made me a ‘Hipster Taco’

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Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Today I going to help you make my new faborite taco. The other day I saw my mijo making sonething in the kishen. I so proud. He like to cook like his mama.

I say, “Mijo, what you making?”

He say, “A taco.”

I see that he was using corn tortillas, crumble Oaxaca cheese, scramble eggs, salsa chipotle, and potato ships. I was confuse.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: That time Mijo made me a ‘Hipster Taco’

Tia Lencha’s Cocina makes Fruity Virgin Micheladas for Cinco de Mayo

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tiacincoHola! Is Tia Lencha here.

I going to help ju make a new drink for Cinco de Mayo on Thursday. Is fruity and a virgin. Ju know, with no beers. Get jur mind out of the trash can, cochinos!

I think of the new drink when mijo ask me to taste my watermelons michelada. I think to myself, what if he like it? Will he want to drink beers? I don’t want him to be like mijo’s daddy who drink beers and fall asleep in the tub with his chonies wet with his own pee pee (thas urine for ju pochos). So I make mijo a drink, one that is virgin, and he taste it and he like it, and I taste it and I like it.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina makes Fruity Virgin Micheladas for Cinco de Mayo

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Hot and Sexy Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

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salsainabowlI’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha.

Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Hot and Sexy Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Thanksgiving turkey al pastor tacos

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lenchatacosHappy Mexican Thanksgiving Day!

Is Tia Lencha here. Gwhat is Mexican Thanksgiving Day you ask? Is Thanksgiving but with all Mexican food. What?!?! My gringo frends say. Oh no! How you can do that! Is crazy! And Tia Lencha say, no really.

When I help mijo with his homeworks, I learn that Thanksgiving come from a Puritan holiday in Englands. When it was the Reformation the Protestantes wanted to throw away all the Catholic holidays, even Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Thanksgiving turkey al pastor tacos

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: On Father’s Day I think about my ex’s chorizo

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leavingman

Hola. Is Tia Lencha here.

After many jears of being divorce from mijo’s daddy, (that’s a photo of him leaving I took for the lawyer), I share with ju the recipe I make for the Father’s Day, which is on Sunday. When I think of mijo’s daddy, I think of chorizo.

Oso, when I see a good looking chorizo at the store, I think of mijo’s daddy. Get jur mind out of the trash can, cochinos. Is because mijo’s daddy make really good chorizo!

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: On Father’s Day I think about my ex’s chorizo

Orale! It’s the Yeb Bush Cinco de Drinko Game (video)

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yebbushMany politically conscious Chicanos are looking for yet another alternative way to Celebrate Cinco de Drinko but still protest the ahistorical consumer appropriation of a battle that is meaningless to most Mexicans.

Well, Jeb Bush (aka el Yeb according to his Mexican compadres) has provided us with a warm video message of solidarity this Fifth of May to honor the “honorable” way that the Mexicans fought against foreign invaders in the Battle of Puebla. Did I mention that the message is all in Spanish?

Mas…Orale! It’s the Yeb Bush Cinco de Drinko Game (video)

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Fruity Virgin Micheladas for Cinco de Mayo

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tiacincoHola! Is Tia Lencha here.

I going to help ju make a new drink for Cinco de Mayo — next week. Is fruity and a virgin. Ju know, with no beers. Get jur mind out of the trash can, cochinos!

I think of the new drink when mijo ask me to taste my watermelons michelada. I think to myself, what if he like it? Will he want to drink beers? I don’t want him to be like mijo’s daddy who drink beers and fall asleep in the tub with his chonies wet with his own pee pee (thas urine for ju pochos). So I make mijo a drink, one that is virgin, and he taste it and he like it, and I taste it and I like it.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Fruity Virgin Micheladas for Cinco de Mayo

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: My Hot Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

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salsainabowlI’m Elena Maria Celina Carrillo Martinez de los Angeles Delgadillo Trujillo…Lopez. But you can call me Lencha. Today my son is in his room reading his Naruto muñequito books, so I can chare with you my special recipe for Valentime’s Day.

M’ijo don’t like it when I talk about sexy things because me and his daddy are divorce because his daddy like to stick his weene ebrywhere.

M’ijo usually checks my espelling but oh gwell. Since I have a little gwhile, I give you the recipe for Aphrodisiac Salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: My Hot Aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted Red Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa Salsa

by

jarosalsaHola. Is Tia Lencha here.

Ju want to give presens to eberyone on your Chrismas list or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Reyes Magos or Chinese Year but ju are short on dinero? No worry! Tia Lencha is going to give ju recipe for to make the oven roast red salsa!

Is nice! Is a good gift for the peoples! And is easy! No like making mole for Turkey Day.

I make this salsa to give to my comadres and the lob it. They have little hearts in their eyes when they see my salsa. They eat with almost eberything. They say they fight their childrens and viejos to eat the last drops of it in the jar. Is that good. Oso, it don’t matter if the peoples are no Mexican. The peoples at my job are no Mexican and they ask me for the salsa.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: Roasted Red Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa Salsa

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: My heart is so broke, I make Heartbreak Buñuelos

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bunuelosHola. Is Tia Lencha here. My heart is broke. I no have a novio anymore. My comadre say there is something wrong with all the mens on the Google. Is true. In this case, I wasn’t enough of a man for him. Oh gwell.

I oso a little heartbreak because my carro (thas car for ju pochos) die. My comadre say that only my luck gwith mens is worser than my luck gwith carros.

Oso, I am very heart break because of the 43 estudents that got kill and throwed away in Mexico.

Then I saw Mijo look sad jesterday and ask him what wrong. He say that he is sad because the police who kill Michael Brown and Eric Garner got out for free. He say this country is no the country of freedom if black mens cannot gwalk the streets without getting kill.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: My heart is so broke, I make Heartbreak Buñuelos

Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How ju make Mijo’s favorite Mole Poblano turkey

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turkeymole640Hola. Is Tia Lencha here. Sorry I no give ju recetas (recipes for ju pochos) for a gwhile. Mijo’s daddy no send the cheques for the mijo support. I mad.

Then he go to my house crying because the eskelton eskank he marry left him for another viejo (old man for ju pochos). The viejo had more dinero and drive a troka (thas truck for ju pochos) with plastic bolitas hanging from the bumper. Oh gwell.

In Mexico we say mijo’s daddy got put horns. Mijo’s daddy cry and cry but he no give me my mijo support cheque. I tell him my house is no LenchaCare. He need to pay. He say need money for divorce the eskank. I have to go to the offices to get him to pay.

Mas…Tia Lencha’s Cocina: How ju make Mijo’s favorite Mole Poblano turkey

New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

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jesuskendoll(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Movie executives here are scrambling to respond to the fury over just-announced Christian religious figures re-imagined as Barbie dolls.

The Kens and Barbies are slated to promote the Mattel-Disney movie Crucifiction that “rebrands” the Passion of Jesus. The film is set for Xmas release.

The Disney reps — now on the defensive — have a heavy cross to bear.

Mas…New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

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