El Now

Venezuela shit production hits record, outpaces toilet paper supply

by EDUARDO BURRO May 20, 2013 El Now
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The Venezuelan Bolivarian Revolution, now firmly guided by the strong and steady hand of Commandante El Presidente Nicolas Maduro, has achieved new records in the production of shit, or mierda as it is known locally. But pride in the record April crop of fecal material was tempered by a Western capitalist conspiracy which has left [...]

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Breaking: Miami woman reveals plans to quit Facebook

by Especial Correspondents May 20, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MIAMI) South Beach resident Christina Patricia Santiago is planning to leave Facebook on Friday, according to a Status Update she published Sunday night. Responding to a question from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who asked Santiago “What’s on your mind?” when she logged into her account, the 32-year-old media buyer for a boutique [...]

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Disney Day of the Dead faux pas: Latinos turned noise into news (audio)

by Comic Saenz May 17, 2013 Audio
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From NPR: When Disney tried to trademark Dia de los Muertos for their new movie merchandise inspired by the Mexican holiday, Latinos picked up their own mice, went online and turned things back around. For this week’s News or Noise, Latino USA guest host Luis Antonio Perez speaks with POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz and Kety [...]

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Breaking: Congress to probe ‘illegal immigrant sneaker code’

by Garganta Profunda May 17, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Randolph Snopes (R-AL) plans committee hearings next week to investigate reports that “illegal immigrants” from Mexico are encoding secret messages in sneakers hanging over telephone wires — messages about how to avoid police, sell drugs and promote terrorism, PNS has learned. Snopes, chairman of the Unamerican Activities Committee, maintains [...]

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Colbert Report: Do Hispanics cost trillion$ and have low IQs? (video)

by GUILLERMO O'REILLY May 17, 2013 El Now
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It takes an ace newsman like Stephen Colbert to get to the bottom of the barrel of reasons why the Heritage Foundation’s report on immigration says legalization will cost us six trillion dollars and the entire Hispanic race has lower IQs than native white Americans.

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Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes

by María Purísima May 16, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama gave up his efforts to pass comprehensive immigration reform this week, informing Republican leaders that he didn’t care about reform anymore. “Fuck it!” Obama reportedly told Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a conference call Tuesday. “I don’t care about reform anymore, are you happy? Don’t [...]

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Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer

by EDUARDO BURRO May 16, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Previously-secret startup MasaTek.com today unveiled a hardware/software combo that uses 3D printing to print corn or flour tortillas with the religious or brand image of your choice. “The waiting is over!” Carlos Molinero, president of the Silicio Barrio company, told reporters here. “You need Jesus? He’s just a click away. [...]

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Ghost woman walks Bogota street, disappears into thin air (video)

by ROD ESTERLING May 16, 2013 Doomsday Countdown
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Victor Barona of Bogota, Colombia TV news NTN24.com reporting: Closed circuit security cameras outside a townhouse complex record a woman walking the street late at night, a woman dressed in clothes from another century. She is plainly visible on camera and then she disappears into thin air. Ma ma ma my llorona.

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Breaking: Ancient Mayan pyramid foreclosed on, demolished

by Lalo Alcaraz May 14, 2013 Doomsday Countdown
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(PNS reporting from BELIZE CITY) The Nohmul complex, an ancient Mayan pyramid in the north of this Central American country, was recently bulldozed by a local contractor who used the crushed rock to “fill” a road. Nohmul was utilized as a ceremonial center 2,300 years ago. After public outcry from archaeologists, local authorities said they [...]

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Pocha Playmate of the Year speaks Spanish AND American (video)

by CHUCK FULLOVNATZ May 14, 2013 El Now
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Playboy’s first Pocha Playmate of the Year, Raquel Pomplun, is bilingual. Hugh Hefner notes (after the one-minute mark) that the Chula Vista, CA native speaks both Spanish and “American.” (Totally nonironic video via Brussels, Belgium’s Jewish News One Network. Who knew?)

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