Pocho Ocho

brazilsadTuesday’s disastrous Brazil-Germany FIFA2014 World Cup futbol match, which ended in Germany whipping the host country 7-1, has saddened the nation (photo.) And on Wednesday, Brazil’s soccer fans were struggling to understand what exactly went wrong.

We analyzed press and social media reactions and translated from the Portuguese to bring you their Pocho Ocho top reasons for Brazil’s FAIL:

8. Blame it on the bossa nova, with its magic spell.

7. All those pesky Hitler clones on the Brazil team let Germany win.

6. Alemania? We thought we were playing Ally McBeal! [Mas…]

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fireworksbigUsed to be you could always celebrate the Fourth of July along the border in the most patriotic way: by detonating illegal Mexican fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite dangerous Mexican fireworks from when men were men, and fireworks were weapons grade bundles o’ fun!

8. Guadalajara Guarheads
7. Tijuana TNT
6. La La La La La Bomba [Mas…]

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chipotlebabyAs POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano noted Friday, Chipotle Mexican Grill pulled a boner when it decided to put short stories from ten famous authors on its cups and bags but couldn’t find one Latino with words worthy enough to wrap its burritos.

There’s now a Facebook book group organizing around this issue and the Pochodores have been brainstorming inspirational packaging ideas as well.

First off all, short stories? Srsly? TL;DR, amiright?

Here are the Pocho Ocho more upworthy Latino quotes Chipotle should have used:

8. There’s a reason you separate the military and the police. One fights the enemies of the state, the other serves and protects the people. When the military becomes both, then the enemies of the state tend to become the people. (Commander William Adama.)

7. Repression….Recession. It’s all the same thing, man. (Cheech Marin.)

6. In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face some day. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo. (Lucky Day.) [Mas…]

colombussantamariaThe wreck of slave-trader and hopelessly-lost “explorer” Christopher Columbus’ Santa Maria flagship has been found off the coast of Haiti, according to reports.

The ship’s five-century-old cannon was looted but archaeologists are excited by eight unusual items they were able to retrieve from the ship, the Pocho Ocho weirdest items found on the Santa Maria:

8. Antique syphilis specially imported into the Western Hemisphere by his crew

7. The most extensive collection of 15th-century porn ever found outside the Vatican Library

6. A Ferdinand and Isabella “after sex selfie” oil painting

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The more you use the Internets, the more likely you are to lose your religion, according to a new study.

NPR explains:

America is less religious than ever before. The number of Americans who reported no religious affiliation has been growing rapidly, doubling since 1990. That kind of rapid change matches another societal trend — growth in Internet use. The percentage of Americans who say they used the Internet went from nearly zero in 1990 to 87 percent this year.

Now, a detailed data analysis finds the two trends aren’t just related, but that wider Internet use may actually be leading us to lose our religion. [Mas…]

notorillasU.S. Latinos went to the movies in 2013 way more often than other ethnic groups, according to the Motion Picture Association of America. Latinos are 17% of the population but account for 32% of moviegoers who went to more than one movie a month.

Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers:

8. Air conditioning

7. You can sneak in your own meal

6. Fewer crying kids than at a birthday party [Mas…]

tedcruzbydonkeyhoteyTea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel.

We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in an interview last October, but sometime since then, the original evidence mysteriously disappeared.

(Crack Malaysian detectives are investigating the disappearance.)

Of course, this Grand Old Pendejo official has many other skeletors in his closet — the Pocho Ocho Other Things Sen. Ted Cruz Hates Besides Avocados:

8. LIFE cereal.

7. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

6. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire [Mas…]

justbrewerbigArizona Governor Jan Brewer won’t run again, she announced Wednesday, but said her retirement as governor won’t put an end to her dreams.

“A mule is an animal with long funny ears,” she told an audience at a school in Glendale, AZ,  “she kicks up at anything she hears. Her back is brawny and her brain is weak, she’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak. So when I walk out of this school, I’ll still remain a stupid mule.”

There are Pocho Ocho items on her bucket list, Brewja said:

8. Realize her dream of starting a clothing optional retreat with Sheriff Joe Arpaio

7. Spend more time with her coven

6. Convince George Lucas to cast her as Evil Yoda in the next Star Wars movie [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies

by María Purísima & Nancy Marie Arteaga February 23, 2014 El Now
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Selfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page. 8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face. 7. The “I’m in the bathroom […]

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Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines for Valentine’s Day

by Especial Correspondents February 13, 2014 Cultura
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Love is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, economic fairness and equal justice. Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho to get lucky AND make the world a better place? Yes, there is! Check out our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines […]

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Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union

by Especial Correspondents January 28, 2014 El Now
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White House insiders indicate the President’s State of the Union address tonight will have a few surprises for the Congressional and TV audiences. Here are the top eight: 8. The NSA will intercept Republicans’ text messages to each other and display them on the JumboTron in real time 7. President Obama will be sporting snazzy […]

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Obama’s List: Pocho Ocho things more dangerous than alchohol

by Comic Saenz January 22, 2014 El Now
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Former stoner Barack Obama doesn’t think marijuana “is more dangerous than alcohol,” according to The New Yorker: “As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a […]

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Survey says? Pocho Ocho top Chipster New Year’s Resolutions

by Especial Correspondents January 15, 2014 Cultura
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To be a Chipster (Chicano + Hipster) is not a destination, but a journey, and seekers must never rest. These are the Pocho Ocho Chipster New Year’s Resolutions our readers shared with us: 8. Despite the Indio heritage that gives me a sparse Fu Manchu facial hair configuration, I resolve to grow a Chente-strength bigote […]

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Pocho Ocho reasons Sen. Ted Cruz is still a Canadian citizen

by Comic Saenz January 6, 2014 El Now
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Despite promises, 2013 Pendejo of the Year Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) has not relinquished his Canadian citizenship. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:

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Pocho Ocho worst Christmas presents

by Especial Correspondents December 17, 2013 Cultura
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The latest Hey Vato! video prompted a little soul searching by the Pochodores. What are Pocho Ocho worst presents you could get or give this Christmas? 8. A used shank 7. Threefried beans 6. Governor Jan Brewja Doll

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Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household

by Especial Correspondents December 5, 2013 Cultura
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Here is a listicle partially inspired by a mas longer listicle on BuzzFeed, because they are the listicle professionals, tu sabes. ¡Mira! The Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican household/family: 8. Virgen de Guadalupe veladoras. 7. Your first introduction to dramatic acting was a telenovela. 6. You always wondered why gringos celebrated […]

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Pocho Ocho secrets of the first Thanksgiving feast

by Comic Saenz November 28, 2013 Cultura
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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight things right here: 8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date 7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly 6. Squanto’s […]

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New from Rick Bayless: Pocho Ocho Thanksgiving dinner ideas

by Victor Payan November 26, 2013 Cultura
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As a guide to Pochos thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving as a symbol of American imperialism, we offer several more indigenous AND ingenious options for a healthy and tasty holiday dinner that does not remind people of genocide. Why settle for a Turducken, when you can have these savory dishes compiled from the new cookbook: Native […]

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Pocho Ocho ‘things educated Chicanos like’

by Comic Saenz November 7, 2013 Cultura
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We found this blog called Stuff Educated Chicanos Like | Information on those kids from Aztlan and it’s like it was conceived and written about us here at Pocho, but no. The blog started in 2008 and hasn’t been updated since 2011, but it still makes us LOL. (We stole just eight headlines from the […]

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Pocho Ocho other things Christopher Columbus totally got wrong

by Especial Correspondents October 13, 2013 Cultura
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Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong: 8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him. 7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl. 6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.

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Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things

by SHEIKH YERBOUTI September 30, 2013 El Now
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Driving is bad for your lady parts, according to Saudi Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Luhaydan, a “judicial and psychological consultant to the Gulf Psychological Association.” Al Arabiya reports: Driving ‘could have a reverse physiological impact. Physiological science and functional medicine studied this side [and found] that it automatically affects ovaries and rolls up the pelvis. […]

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Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month

by Pocho Ñews Service September 4, 2013 Cultura
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Hispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which starts in 10 days. But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta. ¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month: 8. Reset […]

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Pocho Ocho First World Back-to-School Problems

by Especial Correspondents August 14, 2013 Cultura
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We don’t know what the schedule is in your barrio, but here in Pocho Estates, A Gated Community, the kids are starting a new school year. We know it’s not easy,  the way things are in the world today. The Libtard’s “climate change” hoax, the Federal Reserve’s phony money and Obummer’s Gay Socialist Nazi Muslim […]

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@SaraChicaD: My Pocho Ocho favorite foods (video)

by Lucida Grandé August 9, 2013 Cultura
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POCHO’s Subcommandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón (also known as @SaraChicaD on the Twitter) is very particular about the foods she likes. Here are her Pocho Ocho faves… RELATED: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

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