Pocho Ocho

newhampshiredonkeyhoteyDonald Trump’s and Bernie Sanders’ stunning victories Tuesday don’t make sense unless you know the hidden history of the state of New Hampshire.

That’s the reason we researched and compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Facts You Need to Know About New Hampshire:

8. New HAMpshire is known for its “HAM aroma” which inspired the hit song My Sharona

7. Coincidence or conspiracy? The ham-smelling state’s namesake [old] Hampshire, on England’s southern coast across the channel from France, smells like CHEESE

6. New Hampshire is very white. How white is it? New Hampshire is so white it makes the OSCARS look like a #BlackLivesMatter rally [Mas…]



It’s not a good sign when you have to ask the crowd to “Please clap,” like former Governor Jeb Bush (R-Florida) did at a New Hampshire campaign rally Tuesday.

JEB! may not yet be prepared to admit he’s already lost, but we are, Fat Lady or not. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell It’s All Over for Jeb Bush:

8. Briefly lost consciousness after choking on a pretzel

7. Hired New Orleans/Katrina FEMA guy “Brownie” as replacement campaign manager

6. Spotted holding hands with Saudi royalty [Mas…]


What can we learn from the Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) victory Monday in the Iowa GOP caucuses? It’s time to support CANADIANS FOR PRESIDENT! [NSFW video, one F-bomb.]

And what else? How about the Pocho Ocho Top Lessons We Learned from the Iowa GOP Caucuses:

8. He who smelt it, dealt it.

7. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry caucus.

6. I know you are, but what am I? [Mas…]

sheriffjoetrumpArizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times.

Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio Will Endorse Donald Trump:

8. Pigs of a feather oink together

7. New York values

6. Spawned in the U.S.A. [Mas…]

univisiononionNow that UNIVISION has become a part owner of The Onion, our media analysts have compiled the Pocho Ocho top changes you can expect from the new corporation:

8. Daily stories tagged #TelemundoFail

7. Don Francisco’s triumphant return to TV as Area Man

6. Univision closes failing millennial-oriented website The Cilantro [Mas…]

pennelchapoEl Chapo’s secret meetup with Sean Penn was just the tip of the iceberg, Goldberg, whatever.

The notorious drug lord is a whole new vato now — and here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways You Can Tell El Chapo Has “Gone Hollywood”:

8. He’s dating Kate Hudson

7. He’s on an all-cactus juice cleanse to drop weight for the upcoming pilot season

6. He just reached 200k followers on Instagram [Mas…]

elchapotunnelMexico has recaptured fugitive drug cartel jefe El Chapo Guzman –– who notoriously tunneled out of a high security prison last summer –- but the criminal mastermind isn’t done yet.

Sources tell our correspondents that Guzman’s narcotrafficante associates are already working on plans to bust the gangster out of his next cellblock; we’ve compiled this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ways El Chapo Could Escape Again:

8. Trained bats

7. Incredible shrinking ray

6. Those gigantor worms from Tremors [Mas…]

We asked the POCHO posse – Los Pochodores – to share their New Year’s Resolutions for 2015.

After the responses came in, we picked the best answers, and then carefully removed all the information that could personally identify the authors because El Cucuy.

And so we present Los Pochodores’ Pocho Ocho Top New Year Revolutions:

8. Curb my smartphonethusiasm [I’m not addicted. I can unplug any time I want. Hold on I have a text.]

7. Find a better way to check if I washed all the jalapeño juice off my hands — better than rubbing my eyes.

6. Get my Mexican Wife Game on point with a new, improved caldo de res recipe. [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top ways to tell if your new neighbors are terrorists

by Comic Saenz December 9, 2015 El Now
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Those new neighbors, you know, those people down the hall or across the street — where do they come from? What’s that crazy moon language? What are they up to? If you see something, say something. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Ways to Tell If Your New Neighbors Are Terrorists: 8. Since sunset on […]

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Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday 2015

by Especial Correspondents November 27, 2015 Cultura
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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday: 8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3. 7. Shoppers who carry their own […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho amazing little-known first Thanksgiving factoids

by Especial Correspondents November 26, 2015 Cultura
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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here: 8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date 7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly 6. […]

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Pocho Ocho best ways to tell if your tamales are illegal

by Especial Correspondents November 19, 2015 Cultura
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After the Border Patrol at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confiscated and incinerated 450 “illegal tamales” flown in from Mexico (photo), we asked tamale experts how law-abiding citizens could determine if their tamales were also illegal. After all, when tamales are illegal, only illegals will have tamales. Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho things to eat that are way worse for you than bacon

by Especial Correspondents October 29, 2015 Cultura
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Bacon is makin’ news because a questionably-reported study says the hot and salty candy can cause cancer – or not. They say we had to ditch the bacon, but we said, “No! No! No!” That’s because there are Pocho Ocho Top Things You Can Eat That Are Way Worse Than Bacon: 8. Bush™  special frijoles — THE […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho other things that Christopher Columbus got wrong

by Especial Correspondents October 12, 2015 Cultura
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Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong: 8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him. 7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl. 6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.

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Pocho Ocho best ways to bait a Chipster (Chicano + hipster) Trap

by Especial Correspondents August 5, 2015 Cultura

In New Jack City, proactive pranksters have set Hipster Traps to snare unwary hipsters. The NYC traps are baited with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, American Spirit cigarettes, a bike chain and neon-pink Wayfarer sunglasses. When trapping chipsters (Chicano hipsters), our experts recommend these Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Bait Your Chipster Trap: 8. Suavecito® Pomade and Beard Wax […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald

by Especial Correspondents July 24, 2015 El Now
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After POCHO’s Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz finally came clean about his history with UPenn classmate Donald Trump, we’ve learned more about the events that turned a Child of the 60s into the bitter meng he is today. Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald: 8. […]

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Pocho Ocho most amazing facts behind El Chapo’s daring escape

by Especial Correspondents July 15, 2015 El Now
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The daring prison escape of Mexican drug lord El Chapo Guzman Saturday has raised many questions. Why Saturday? Who dug the tunnel? How did they do it? How did they hide? Here are Pocho Ocho Most Amazing Facts Behind El Chapo’s Escape we’ve unearthed so far: 8. Shoutout to Uber de Mexico for the fast pickup! 7. […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho things Donald Trump wants you to know about Mexicans

by Especial Correspondents June 17, 2015 El Now
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Because he wants to make America great again, GOP presidential nominee wannabe Donald Trump shared some nasty knowledge about Mexican immigrants when he announced his candidacy Tuesday (video). They’re rapists, he said, and bring crime and drugs. But that’s not all! Here are are Pocho Ocho top things Donald Trump also wants you to know […]

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Pocho Ocho top premiums for donors to $heriff Joe’s KickStarter

by Especial Correspondents May 27, 2015 El Now

Maricopa County Arizona $heriff Joe Arpaio is in big legal trouble and is asking supporters to help. Arpaio said he doesn’t have the money for attorneys, adding that he feels “targeted” by the immigration rights groups that have sued him to stop what they say are racist policies targeting Latinos, according to the Los Angeles […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho changes to expect after Indios + Chinos > Mexicanos

by Especial Correspondents May 12, 2015 El Now
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China and India now top Mexico as leading sources of new immigrants to the United Estates, new data reveals. What are the Pocho Ocho top changes we can expect from these evolving patterns in immigration? 8. Indian actors will replace Puerto Ricans playing Mexicans on TV 7. San Jose, California will be known as Sanjay, California 6. […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho Important Facts for Mexicans about El Ocho de Mayo

by Especial Correspondents May 8, 2015 Cultura
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Our Mexican friends have many misconceptions about today’s American celebration of El Ocho de Mayo. It is NOT the day the British burned the White House, for example, and it is NOT the day Gerry Rivers became Geraldo Rivera. Help a hermano out with the Pocho Ocho Top Facts Mexicans Should Know about El Ocho […]

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La Chata’s Ultimate Pocho Ocho Morrissey Trivia Quiz Questions

by La Chata May 6, 2015 Cultura
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POCHO’s free ticket giveaway for the Mexrrissey all-age concert at the Regent Theater in DTLA inspired me to craft this list of the Pocho Ocho Top Ultimate Morrissey Trivia Quiz Questions. Are You Moz Enough to Score 100%? Do not even think about questioning my Moz Luv. I am on the TSA’s extra special handling […]

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Diamondbacks’ Pocho Ocho top dessert concepts before the Churro Dog

by Especial Correspondents March 6, 2015 Cultura
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Yes, they actually went there. Look for a new dessert this season at Chase Field in Phoenix as the National League Arizona Diamondbacks present the “Churro Dog.” Thankfully, no dogs were harmed in the making of this gut-busting, grand-standing heart-stopping dessert. WTF is a Churro Dog, exactly? ESPN has the story: The Churro Dog is […]

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The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

by La Chata February 13, 2015 Cultura
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8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just […]

[Mas…]