It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPad Pro — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday:
8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.
7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.
6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.
See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:
8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Chipotle Mexican Grill [Mas…]
After the Border Patrol at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confiscated and incinerated 450 “illegal tamales” flown in from Mexico (photo), we asked tamale experts how law-abiding citizens could determine if their tamales were also illegal.
After all, when tamales are illegal, only illegals will have tamales. Here are the Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Tell If Your Tamales Are illegal:
8. The tamales “accidentally” turned off their body-cams
7. Fake Syrian passports
6. Hipsters keep asking you where you got them [Mas…]
Bacon is makin’ news because a questionably-reported study says the hot and salty candy can cause cancer – or not. They say we had to ditch the bacon, but we said, “No! No! No!”
That’s because there are Pocho Ocho Top Things You Can Eat That Are Way Worse Than Bacon:
8. Bush™ special frijoles — THE BROWN ONES™ — now with 25% more nepotism! [Editor’s Note: Our sources tell us this product may not be on the market much longer. Choose wisely.]
7. Uncle Ben Carson’s Tacos de Seso
6. Ferguson’s Gelato – You’ll be screaming, “Hands up! Don’t scoop!” [Mas…]
In New Jack City, proactive pranksters have set Hipster Traps to snare unwary hipsters. The NYC traps are baited with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, American Spirit cigarettes, a bike chain and neon-pink Wayfarer sunglasses.
When trapping chipsters (Chicano hipsters), our experts recommend these Pocho Ocho Best Ways to Bait Your Chipster Trap:
8. Suavecito® Pomade and Beard Wax
7. Venti horchata latte, half skim, half leche de cabra, with agave sweetener
6. $60 huaraches from Urban Outfitters [Mas…]
After POCHO’s Dennis Wilen AKA Comic Saenz finally came clean about his history with UPenn classmate Donald Trump, we’ve learned more about the events that turned a Child of the 60s into the bitter meng he is today.
Here are the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Child of the 60s The Donald is so Donald:
8. Still heartbroken and resentful after the end of a passionate love affair with UPenn boyfriend, Afro-Mexican exchange student Mumia Abu-Fuentes.
7. Childhood backyard “fort” overrun by kids playing “Viet Cong.”
6. Kicked out of Wharton School MEChA for attempted “firing” of Cesar Chavez. [Mas…]
The daring prison escape of Mexican drug lord El Chapo Guzman Saturday has raised many questions. Why Saturday? Who dug the tunnel? How did they do it? How did they hide?
Here are Pocho Ocho Most Amazing Facts Behind El Chapo’s Escape we’ve unearthed so far:
8. Shoutout to Uber de Mexico for the fast pickup!
7. Strategic rest areas every 200 meters stocked with Red Bull and Takis
6. Extra guys at Home Depot got lucky that day [Mas…]