Pocho Ocho

It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPhone 6 — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday:

8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3.

7. Shoppers who carry their own rolls of yellow “crime scene” warning tape can easily discourage other shoppers from entering the Home Entertainment Department.

6. Successful shoppers are well-equipped shoppers. Must-have items include snacks, a gas mask, body armor where available and a small knife (plus a newspaper to hide the knife.) Experienced shoppers only: Weaponized chanclas.
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baylessbookcoverDear pochos thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving as a symbol of American imperialism: Check out these indigenous and ingenious options for a holiday dinner. We promise they won’t remind people of genocide. Why settle for a Turducken, for example, when you can enjoy these delicacies featured in Native Holiday Treats from Indigenous Mexico by Rick Bayless.

8. Burrlenguaj:  California burritos wrapped in lengua, stuffed in a turkey.

7. Poznudo: a bowl of pozole inside a bowl of menudo, eaten while nude.

6. Chilnobaza (Vegetarian): A chile relleno stuffed inside a nopal stuffed inside a calabaza and fried in lard.

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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:

8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date

7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly

6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Dave & Busters [Mas…]

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thistallPresident Barack Obama will defy Republican haters tonight and reveal “executive actions” to “fix the broken immigration system.”

Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:

8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.

7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.

6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed. [Mas…]

daveandbusterstweetThe Twitterverse exploded with charges of racism yesterday following pork-pushing restauranteurs Dave & Buster’s #TacoTuesday Tweet fail. (Photo of Tweet, since deleted from the company’s timeline.)

Even pimp-my-product professional journal AdWeek was pained by the chain’s gigantic boner:

And your massive brand Twitter fail of the day goes to … Dave & Buster’s! [Mas…]

iamsoy640Hey you Latinos – do you know your place in cyberspace?

Forget .COM, .ORG, and .NET and move on up to the new .SOY Top Level Domain, “the place for Latinos online,” brought to you by domain registrar Google, Inc. (screencap above).

What? The Goog explains:

.SOY is the domain name for Latino identity and expression on the web. .SOY can be anything you want it to be. It’s your place on the web for your voice, your business, or your bold new idea. Claim your name and join the .SOY community today.

You didn’t sign up yet? You better hurry because cool names in this Internet ghetto are going fast. We think these are the Pocho Ocho Coolest .SOY internet domains, but they already could be claimed, so click and learn:

8. KIKKOMAN.SOY

7. YODA.SOY

6. BOY.SOY

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kidfridaHalloween costumes get better and better every year, and it’s hard to pick the best one. But we’re professionals, so we made up a fake most popular list to highlight the top outfits that feathered our serpent, if you know what we mean.

Here are the Pocho Ocho most popular Latin@ Halloween costumes of 2014:

8. Sexy Machete

7. Sexy Katrina

6. Sexy Sor Juana [Mas…]

nigeltheparrotWhen he flew away from his British owner in Torrance, CA four years ago, Nigel talked with an English accent. When he returned last week, the talented African gray parrot spoke Spanish.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top phrases Nigel the Parrot picked up on his Raza Vacation:

8. No más “Nigel.” Mi nombre es “Miguel” ahora.

7. El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!

6. Polly quiere un Takis. [Mas…]

Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola

by Especial Correspondents October 1, 2014 El Now
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Americans are worried about the chances of a future epidemic now that the nation’s first Ebola patient is being treated in a Dallas hospital. But is there really anything to be scared about? After all, there are Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola: 8. Nobolas 7. Tres bolas 6. Cebolla

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Pocho Ocho ways to get ready for Hispanic Heritage Month 2014

by Especial Correspondents September 12, 2014 Cultura
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Hispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2014, which starts Monday. But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta. ¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month: 8. Reset your calendar […]

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Pocho Ocho top Aztec deities we could sure use today

by Malcolm Mex August 22, 2014 Cultura
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In these troubled times, God[ess] knows, we could use some help from indigenous, culturally-appropriate deities. Here are the Pocho Ocho top Aztec gods we could sure use today: 8. Chingilipochtli, god of payback 7. Guautemoc, god of amazement and wonder 6. Spocktezuma, god of living long and prospering tambien

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Pocho Ocho rudest vanity license plates refused by the DMV

by Especial Correspondents August 5, 2014 Cartoons
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Your California Department of Motor Vehicles has standards, you know, and not every request for a personalized/vanity license plate can be accommodated, even though they still hope you’ll like them on Facebook. It’s not personal, dude, no hard feelings. K? “Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles’ office of vanity plates,” SFGate.com esplains, “where three […]

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Pocho Ocho top Spanglish text message abbreviations

by Especial Correspondents July 14, 2014 Cultura
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An Australian company has compiled the Top 100 get message abbreviations they use in Oz (photo) and we realized the list from way way overseas totally leaves out the abbreviations we pochos use. Here are the Pocho Ocho most popular Spanglish text message abbreviations: 8. FTP: Fuck That Puto 7. ADM: Ay Dios Mio 6. […]

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Pocho Ocho top reasons for Brazil vs Alemania futbol FAIL

by Especial Correspondents July 10, 2014 El Now
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Tuesday’s disastrous Brazil-Germany FIFA2014 World Cup futbol match, which ended in Germany whipping the host country 7-1, has saddened the nation (photo.) And on Wednesday, Brazil’s soccer fans were struggling to understand what exactly went wrong. We analyzed press and social media reactions and translated from the Portuguese to bring you their Pocho Ocho top […]

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For July 4, try these Pocho Ocho favorite Mexican fireworks

by Lalo Alcaraz July 3, 2014 Cultura
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Used to be you could always celebrate the Fourth of July along the border in the most patriotic way: by detonating illegal Mexican fireworks. Here are some of our favorite dangerous Mexican fireworks from when men were men, and fireworks were weapons grade bundles o’ fun! 8. Guadalajara Guarheads 7. Tijuana TNT 6. La La La […]

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Pocho Ocho upworthy Latino quotes Chipotle should have used

by Especial Correspondents May 19, 2014 Cultura
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As POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano noted Friday, Chipotle Mexican Grill pulled a boner when it decided to put short stories from ten famous authors on its cups and bags but couldn’t find one Latino with words worthy enough to wrap its burritos. There’s now a Facebook book group organizing around this issue and the Pochodores have been brainstorming inspirational […]

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Pocho Ocho weirdest things found in Columbus’ Santa Maria shipwreck

by Especial Correspondents May 14, 2014 El Now
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The wreck of slave-trader and hopelessly-lost “explorer” Christopher Columbus’ Santa Maria flagship has been found off the coast of Haiti, according to reports. The ship’s five-century-old cannon was looted but archaeologists are excited by eight unusual items they were able to retrieve from the ship, the Pocho Ocho weirdest items found on the Santa Maria: […]

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Losing your religion on the Internets and Pocho Ocho other things

by Especial Correspondents April 23, 2014 Cultura
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The more you use the Internets, the more likely you are to lose your religion, according to a new study. NPR explains: America is less religious than ever before. The number of Americans who reported no religious affiliation has been growing rapidly, doubling since 1990. That kind of rapid change matches another societal trend — […]

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Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers

by Especial Correspondents April 8, 2014 El Now
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U.S. Latinos went to the movies in 2013 way more often than other ethnic groups, according to the Motion Picture Association of America. Latinos are 17% of the population but account for 32% of moviegoers who went to more than one movie a month. Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best […]

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Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things

by Comic Saenz March 21, 2014 El Now
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Tea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel. We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in […]

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Pocho Ocho items on Jan Brewer’s bucket list

by Especial Correspondents March 13, 2014 El Now
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer won’t run again, she announced Wednesday, but said her retirement as governor won’t put an end to her dreams. “A mule is an animal with long funny ears,” she told an audience at a school in Glendale, AZ,  “she kicks up at anything she hears. Her back is brawny and her […]

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Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies

by María Purísima & Nancy Marie Arteaga February 23, 2014 El Now
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Selfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page. 8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face. 7. The “I’m in the bathroom […]

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Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines for Valentine’s Day

by Especial Correspondents February 13, 2014 Cultura
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Love is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, economic fairness and equal justice. Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho to get lucky AND make the world a better place? Yes, there is! Check out our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines […]

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Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union

by Especial Correspondents January 28, 2014 El Now
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White House insiders indicate the President’s State of the Union address tonight will have a few surprises for the Congressional and TV audiences. Here are the top eight: 8. The NSA will intercept Republicans’ text messages to each other and display them on the JumboTron in real time 7. President Obama will be sporting snazzy […]

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