Pocho Ocho

churrodogYes, they actually went there. Look for a new dessert this season at Chase Field in Phoenix as the National League Arizona Diamondbacks present the “Churro Dog.” Thankfully, no dogs were harmed in the making of this gut-busting, grand-standing heart-stopping dessert.

WTF is a Churro Dog, exactly? ESPN has the story:

The Churro Dog is a warm cinnamon churro sitting inside a Long John chocolate-glazed donut, which is then topped with frozen yogurt, caramel and chocolate sauces. Its estimated calorie count is 1,117.

But the Churro Dog concept wasn’t a random bark in the dark of night, no sir. Many ideas were thrown around the marketing infield, barking up the wrong tree, before the Churro Dog got the front office excited enough to get to third base. And you know what? Here they are — the Diamondback’s Pocho Ocho Top Rejected Dessert Concepts before the Churro Dog:

8. Willie Relleno

7. Negrito Refrito

6. Pink Cotton Candy Taco [Mas…]

8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it. [Mas…]

larazatshirtLove is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, economic fairness and equal justice.

Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho to get lucky AND make the world a better place?

Yes, there is, in our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines you can use this Valentine’s Day:

8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Friday night — what do you think — 8-ish?

7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?

6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? [Mas…]

tedcruzdonkeyhoteySenator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.

That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:

8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ‘em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!

7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.

6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun. [Mas…]

SENATORSCiting the burden of compliance with “big government,” Senator Thom Tills (R-North Carolina) (photo) would let restaurants “opt out” of regulations requiring employees to wash their hands before returning to work.

This isn’t the only rule Tills would eliminate, and he isn’t the only Republican with this opinion. These are the Pocho Ocho top rules the GOP thinks we should ignore:

8. I before E, except after C

7. Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself

6. Mind the gap [Mas…]


Johnny Depp couldn’t just cop to being a day late to the Japanese press conference. No, this wannabe Tonto had to blame his tardy-ass rudeness on an attack by a cruel and vicious Mexican — El Chupacabra (video, above). And the interpreter and the reporters are all like jajaja WTF but in Japanese. Johnny Depp Bill Murray in Japan, apparently.

But El Deppo wasn’t the first to blame his own bads on this famous Mexican monster. Here are the Pocho Ocho top things people blame on El Chupacabra:

8. The chupacabra ate my homework … AND MY DOG!

7. Sorry for the mess. A chupacabra went through my dirty clothes hamper and left all my chonies in piles on the floor.

6. But Your Honor! I was just estanding on the corner minding my own business when El Chupacabra ran by and handed me that iPhone 6! [Mas…]

whitejobsfThe Atlantic analyzed the stats and guess what!? Some professions in the United Estates are positively teeming with white people — jobs like veterinarian, espeech sangwich pathologist and meelrye (chart excerpt, above).

Hurm, we said, perhaps we can fabricate a similar list of America’s brownest jobs.

“So let it be written, so let it be done!” said Pharoah, another white dude. And we did. Here’s our list of America’s Pocho Ocho Top Brownest Jobs:

8. Piñata Fluffer

7. Chief Cleavage Officer for Spanish Language TV Network News Division

6. Tia Guadalupe Gutierrez Santa Maria de Los Angeles y Zacatecas [Mas…]

barackonDespite the his many significant accomplishments and chingon new proposals, we were disappointed by what President Obama didn’t say at Tuesday night’s State of the Union address.

Here are the Pocho Ocho top reasons Obama’s SOTU gave us a sad:

8. Still no federal funding for Flying Trocas research.

7. Didn’t announce plan to make Ted Cruz first U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

6. No tax cuts for tamale entrepreneurs, thus no Pedro Herrera III in the audience to give a shout out to. [Mas…]

Expect these Pocho Ocho surprises in tonight’s State of the Union

by Especial Correspondents January 20, 2015 El Now
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Washington insiders all know tonight’s State of the Union address — like every one before — will bring a few surprises. We asked around town, and our peeps say these are the top eight to watch for: 8. First use of the Booger-Cam™ captures candid live video of bored Republicans 7. Warmup act Oprah Winfrey to Congress: “You get a drone…and you get a […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho worst Twitter #JeSuisCharlie hashtag fails

by Especial Correspondents January 15, 2015 Cultura

Some Twitter users are just unclear on the concept, especially when it comes to the appropriate use of the #JeSuisCharlie hashtag, the most popular ever (“heat map,” above). The viral slogan — coined after the massacre at Paris satire magazine Charlie Hebdo — affirms support of free expression. French-deficient? “Je suis Charlie” means “I am […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top questions asked before joining a Mexican cartel

by PROFESSOR EQUIS January 12, 2015 El Now
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Kids these days know they have options and they want to make smart choices — and not only kids in the United Estates. These are the Pocho Ocho top questions wannabe gangsters ask before joining a Mexican cartel: 8. Will beheading be on the final exam? 7. Soy vegetariano — is heart-eating mandatory? 6. Do I need to […]

[Mas…]

New GOP-controlled Congress’ Pocho Ocho top policy priorities

by Especial Correspondents January 7, 2015 El Now
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The GOP-controlled Senate and 114th Congress got to work Tuesday (photo, above) and the Republicans were quick to announce their plans for America. Here are their Pocho Ocho top policy priorities: 8. No tax cut left behind 7. Read my lips: No new Mexis 6. All about the race

[Mas…]

The Pocho Ocho craziest cosas we found in the Rosca de Reyes

by Especial Correspondents January 6, 2015 Cultura
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Today is Three Kings Day, Dia de Los Reyes Magos, AKA Epiphany, the day when Los Tres Reyes dropped by the manger to gift up the original Anchor Baby, El Baby Jesus. Check out the Pocho Ocho Craziest Things we found in the Rosca de Reyes here at the POCHO world headquarters: 8. Rosca’s Chicken and […]

[Mas…]

Los Pochodores: Our Pocho Ocho Top New Year’s Resolutions

by Especial Correspondents December 31, 2014 Cultura
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We asked the POCHO posse to share their New Year’s Resolutions for 2015. After the responses came in, we picked the best answers, and then carefully removed all the information that could personally identify the authors because El Cucuy. And so we present Los Pochodores’ Pocho Ocho Top New Year Revolutions: 8. Update my Nahuatl […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho best Christmas presents for Mexican yuppies (Muppies)

by PROFESSOR EQUIS December 23, 2014 Cultura
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Looking for that special gift for your successful Muppy friend who already has everything in the Brookstone catalog? POCHO scoured the interwebs for the Pocho Ocho best Christmas presents for Mexican yuppies. Check our list:

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top tips for surviving Black Friday

by Especial Correspondents November 28, 2014 Cultura
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It’s brutal out there, pochos — it’s cut or be cut to save $20 on an iPhone 6 — and that’s why we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho best ways to survive Black Friday: 8. In the event store security confiscates your Mace®, pick up some Aqua Net™ on Aisle 3. 7. Shoppers who carry their own […]

[Mas…]

New from Rick Bayless: Pocho Ocho tastiest T-day dinner ideas

by Victor Payan November 26, 2014 Cultura
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Dear pochos thinking of boycotting Thanksgiving as a symbol of American imperialism: Check out these indigenous and ingenious options for a holiday dinner. We promise they won’t remind people of genocide. Why settle for a Turducken, for example, when you can enjoy these delicacies featured in Native Holiday Treats from Indigenous Mexico by Rick Bayless. 8. Burrlenguaj:  California […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho little-known factoids about the first Thanksgiving

by Especial Correspondents November 21, 2014 Cultura
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See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here: 8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date 7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly 6. […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top immigration actions Obama will reveal tonight

by Especial Correspondents November 20, 2014 El Now
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President Barack Obama will defy Republican haters tonight and reveal “executive actions” to “fix the broken immigration system.” Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation: 8. […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top Tweets Dave & Buster’s planned to send next

by Especial Correspondents November 19, 2014 El Now
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The Twitterverse exploded with charges of racism yesterday following pork-pushing restauranteurs Dave & Buster’s #TacoTuesday Tweet fail. (Photo of Tweet, since deleted from the company’s timeline.) Even pimp-my-product professional journal AdWeek was pained by the chain’s gigantic boner: And your massive brand Twitter fail of the day goes to … Dave & Buster’s!

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho coolest addresses at new ‘.SOY’ Top Level Domain

by Especial Correspondents November 11, 2014 El Now
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Hey you Latinos – do you know your place in cyberspace? Forget .COM, .ORG, and .NET and move on up to the new .SOY Top Level Domain, “the place for Latinos online,” brought to you by domain registrar Google, Inc. (screencap above). What? The Goog explains: .SOY is the domain name for Latino identity and expression […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho most popular Latin@ Halloween costumes of 2014

by Victor Payan November 4, 2014 Cultura
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Halloween costumes get better and better every year, and it’s hard to pick the best one. But we’re professionals, so we made up a fake most popular list to highlight the top outfits that feathered our serpent, if you know what we mean. Here are the Pocho Ocho most popular Latin@ Halloween costumes of 2014: […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top new Spanish phrases learned by Nigel the Parrot

by Especial Correspondents October 15, 2014 El Now
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When he flew away from his British owner in Torrance, CA four years ago, Nigel talked with an English accent. When he returned last week, the talented African gray parrot spoke Spanish. Here are the Pocho Ocho top phrases Nigel the Parrot picked up on his Raza Vacation: 8. No más “Nigel.” Mi nombre es […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola

by Especial Correspondents October 1, 2014 El Now
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Americans are worried about the chances of a future Ebola epidemic. But is there really anything to be scared about? After all, there are Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola: 8. Nobolas 7. Tres bolas 6. Cebolla

[Mas…]