Pocho Ñews Service

tedcruzcheatsheetWhile Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under President Cruz.

The rest of the tract is here….

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

sheriffjoetrumpArizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times.

Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and we’ve compiled the Pocho Ocho Top Reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio Will Endorse Donald Trump:

8. Pigs of a feather oink together

7. New York values

6. Spawned in the U.S.A. [Mas…]

alcalde(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Falling Wall Street prices and the discovery of a new planet lurking beyond Pluto are two sides of the same coin, area man Alberto “You Can Call Me Al” Alcalde suggested Thursday. [Mas…]

palintrumpDear Mama Grizzly:

Tonight will be like no other. Tonight, The Donald welcomes you into his Trump Towers penthouse. This is a place you have been before, but those nights have been for seduction and romance. Tonight is different. Tonight is about love.

Tonight, you will be my everything. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – will go on sale all across America. Monday’s holiday honors RMLK’s 39th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate for confused African-Americans, Latinos, Afro-Latinos, Chicanx and Anglx alike. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The very latest in High Aztech is on display at the fifth annual Cholo Electronics Show (CES) opening here today.

Generating the biggest buzz is the new “freemium” app Chologram™ from Oakland’s Firme Junior Systems.

The free at first Instagram challenger showcases La Vida Loca Lifestyle® image effects, including the one-tap application of teardrop tattoos to a facial image.

The premium version ($5.99) features one-tap removal of teardrop tattoos from a facial image. [Mas…]

mexicanempireMexican President Enrique Peña Nieto is expected to propose a new flag (photo) to better reflect the “Mexico of today, tomorrow and the future,” PNS has learned.

“Snakes, eagles,” he told close associates at a meeting Thursday evening, “that was a long, long time ago, in a barrio far, far away.”

More on this story as it develops.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.

cucahhmsadbloguera(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here.

“What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.)

“Should I tell people to call me Mary Ellen for the remaining 11 months of the year? It’s not like they ever pronounce it right anyway,” she wrote on her PobrePickle blog. [Mas…]

Area taquerias are on lockdown as Trump fever heats up

by Comic Saenz October 8, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Neighborhood taquerias are on lockdown today with customers urged to “shelter in place” as Donald Trump’s immigrant-hating white wing campaign for the GOP presidential nomination heats up. Patrons at the highly-rated Guisados on East Cesar E. Chavez Avenue (photo) said they felt particularly vulnerable as Trump supporters began threatening taco-loving families […]

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¡Orale! It’s International Coffee Day: Cartoons, un video, y ñews

by Comic Saenz September 29, 2015 Cartoons
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¡Feliz International Coffee Day! POCHO runs on coffee (and tacos, of course), and here’s our proof, starting with these self-portraits by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alacraz. Here’s how to identify Lalo (or any other nationally-syndicated Latino cartoonists) if you happen to seem him [Note: two kinds of coffee]:

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Area man relieved Ashley Madison was hacked, not Ashley Mamon

by José Canusí August 20, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) A local Christian conservative anti-immigration blogger is relieved that the AshleyMadison.com adultery website was hacked, not the Latino gay hookup site AshleyMamon.com. “Whoa I almost crapped my pantalones when I heard about Ashley Madison on a car radio some beaner was blasting in the next lane,” the 43-year-old insurance agent […]

[Mas…]

Can solar-powered mariachis replace bean-powered mariachis?

by Comic Saenz August 10, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Solar-powered mariachis have begun coming off production lines here in the high tech manufacturing city of Guanajuato, Mexico, musical soldiers in the war on climate change. The eco-friendly musicians use renewable energy from the sun instead of traditional musical fuels like frijoles, tacos y cerveza, all of which produce the […]

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Area executive thinks about delicious lunch torta all day long

by Estefania Zavala July 28, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LAREDO) District III Regional Supervisor Pablo Gutierrez, 35, could not wait for yesterday’s pinche lunch break to begin so he could buy a firme torta at Joaquin’s Lonchera. “Tortas were all I could think about,” the middle management exec told PNS Monday evening. “I mean, when Andy from Financing handed me all those reports, I […]

[Mas…]

Bill Cosby blasts Donald Trump’s Mexican comments

by BAE LEWD July 8, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bill Cosby disagrees with Donald Trump’s calling Mexican immigrants rapists. “I know immigrants, and I know rapists. And believe me, Mr. Trump, immigrants are not rapists,” read a statement released here this morning by Cosby attorney Alberto Gordo. “Hey hey hey!” the lawyer added. Cosby photograph by El Rey Del Art. […]

[Mas…]

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do over July 4 weekend

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR July 3, 2015 Cultura

FIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Friday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics come from Los Light & Loafers Sparklistas with their presentation Rainbows of Love. Watch out for the confetti and glitter bombs! Moms: Bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium. […]

[Mas…]

Area kids have the sad because where is the Paletero Man?

by Estefania Zavala June 25, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EL PASO) The Montezuma Street kids met Tuesday evening, at “their tree,” the oak next to Mrs. Moreno’s house. It was still light out on the longest day of the year, and they could have kept on bike riding, but they needed an answer, and they needed it quick. Where, everyone wanted to […]

[Mas…]

Around Our Town: Cool places to go and do stuff on Father’s Day

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR June 19, 2015 Cultura
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Father and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon. Bronche: […]

[Mas…]

D.A.R.E.’s Daren the Lion mascot quits, moves to Colorado

by M.J. PORFUMAR June 16, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MILWAUKEE) Local cat made good Daren the Lion, long-time spokescritter for the D.A.R.E. anti-drug education program, has resigned and moved to Colorado, PNS learned Monday. “He’s fallen off the catnip wagon,” one area family member told PNS. “He’s all about the ‘flowers’ now.”

[Mas…]

Abuela with iPad terrorizes area family via Facebook

by Estefania Zavala June 12, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Rigoberto “Rigo” Chavez, 15, cringed in horror when he logged into Facebook Thursday morning and received a notification that his abuelita had once again commented on his status. The high school junior had posted a status that read “$waaaag$” and Abuelita replied in ALL CAPS: CACHORRITO ERES LA LUZ DE MI VIDA. […]

[Mas…]

Local girl crumbles under stress of learning cousins’ names

by Estefania Zavala June 8, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EL MONTE) The pressure was too much for Marisol Cruz, a fourth grader at Fernando Valenzuela Elementary, who collapsed on the playground Friday afternoon. Friends said Marisol was a total stressball since her mother told her to memorize all of her cousins’ names before her upcoming primera comunión fiesta. “I have like […]

[Mas…]

BREAKING: Chipotle burrito confuses elderly Mexican man

by Estefania Zavala June 3, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Felipe Alvarez, 67, bit his tongue Tuesday afternoon. The North Sacramento resident bit his tongue when his godson Tommy Alvarez (no relation) handed him a gold-foil-wrapped burrito from the trendy Chipotle Mexican Grill on Truxel Road. The metal-wrapped mystery meal, however, never made it to his mouth. Don Felipe (photo) could […]

[Mas…]

Scientist’s quest to reproduce abuela’s mole recipe ends in failure

by Estefania Zavala June 1, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from RIVERSIDE) After a decade-long quest to duplicate his Oaxacan abuela’s mole poblano recipe, UC Riverside food scientist Miguel Jimenez, 33, declared defeat Sunday. Microbiologist Jimenez had hoped to identify the ingredients in the mysterious chocolate chile sauce his abuela puts on chicken. “She won’t give anyone the recipe!” said Jimenez, as he […]

[Mas…]

Angry area youth calls menudo ‘yucky,’ demands pizza

by ESTEFANIA ZAVALA May 18, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Javier “Flaco” Hernandez outraged his family Sunday night when he refused to eat his bowl of menudo. “It’s yucky!” the 8-year-old shouted as he repeatedly banged his spoon on the dinner table and insisted on pizza instead. Flaco’s refusal ticked off his mom, who had spent hours preparing the beef stomach broth […]

[Mas…]

Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

by María Purísima May 4, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

[Mas…]