Pocho Ñews Service

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Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs

(PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s Tikal and Peru’s Machu Picchu, according to a spokesperson. [Mas…]

fahhhhhce2(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from VISALIA, CA) Outgoing Visalia Chamber of Commerce president Adrianna Castro stands behind the selection of her brother, area broccoli farmer and businessman Eddie Reyes, to serve as Grand Marshall for the annual July 4th parade.

“Eddie is not only an outstanding, civic-mind citizen,” she told PNS early this morning, “but his blue broccoli rubber bands put our Central Valley city on the world map!”

Castro announced the selection of Reyes (family photo, right) at the closed-door meeting Monday night, her last meeting as president of the group. Her term expires at the end of the month.

After the announcement, incoming president Tony Santamaria jumped up and called her choice “nepotism” and had to be “calmed down,” according to Chamber members at the meeting who contacted PNS.

“Eddie is more than just my big brother,” Castro explained. “He was a man with a plan Panama!” [Mas…]

facebookstatusf(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA) The clock is ticking for Pope Franciss’ Facebook post, which is 50 AMEN comments short of its 10k goal and the promised resurrection and triumphant return of Jesus Christ.

The photo posted by the FB account using the Pontiff’s image has garnered thousands of “likes” and “shares” but was shy of the required AMENs as Easter loomed.

“I didn’t expect the post to take off like it did,” said Annette Benson, 54, a retired San Bernardino County clerk who runs the account from her home here. “I guess it just shows how much America is in need of a prayer right now. Jesus is what will make America great again. Let me hear you say AMEN!” [Mas…]

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone. [Mas…]


(PNS reporting from PAVAS, COSTA RICA) Jose Valdez slipped into an existential crisis Tuesday after he spent the majority of his lunch hour at a neighborhood soda staring at his untouched bowl of rice and deeply debating whether he could physically add more Salsa Lizano to his already drenched platter.

The crisis began when Valdez, 21, uncorked the plastic bottle of Costa Rica’s famous, tangy, vegetable poop-colored condiment and realized he could no longer even see the white Uncle Ben’s rice served with his casado dish, which featured other culinary innovations such as beans and breaded fish. At that point, Valdez, with his hand visibly shaking as he gripped the Lizano bottle, had what he referred to as an epiphany-like “Diay, Mae” moment. [Mas…]

vicentefoxfinger(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced Monday that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions.

“The condition was originally diagnosed by doctors as just visceral hatred for a bigoted, sexist, fascist, moron,” Fox said this morning at a Mexico City press conference. “But the more his popularity surged and the more I heard the name Trump, the more I cursed that mutha fu¢kn hate-mongering piece of baboon $h!t.” [Mas…]


At a torch-lit evening campaign rally, GOP nominee wannabe Donald Trump shows the crowd how to handle those darn Mexicans – handle them LIKE A BOSS!

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

SPONSORED: Wrap yourself in the legacy of Justice Antonin Scalia

by MATHEW February 15, 2016 El Now
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Antonin Scalia was the King of Judicial Jiggery-Pokery — until he was taken from us at the mean old age of 74. His spirited defense of torture, based on something he saw Jack Bauer do on television’s 24, was truly his finest hour.

[Mas…]

Ted Cruz campaign tracts warn of ‘Satan’s Spiritual Structure’

by Chale Knickerbocker February 4, 2016 Cartoons
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While Senator Ted Cruz (R-Canadia) was telling the crowd “To God be the Glory” [In Arabic, this is “Allahu Akbar”] in his Des Moines, Iowa victory speech Monday night, PNS snagged an example of the tracts campaign aides were passing out to the crowd — tracts detailing the Christian Sharia Law we can expect under […]

[Mas…]

Pocho Ocho top reasons Sheriff Joe Arpaio is endorsing Donald Trump

by Especial Correspondents January 26, 2016 El Now
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Arizona’s notorious Sheriff Joe Arpaio — racist, birther, and pendejo — is set to endorse racist, birther, and pendejo Donald Trump in the Iowa GOP caucuses, according to The New York Times. Our Especial Correspondents have been on the phone with sources in Arizona, Iowa and New York probing the thinking behind this decision and […]

[Mas…]

Area man links Wall Street sell-off, discovery of new planet

by Comic Saenz January 22, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Falling Wall Street prices and the discovery of a new planet lurking beyond Pluto are two sides of the same coin, area man Alberto “You Can Call Me Al” Alcalde suggested Thursday.

[Mas…]

J0RGE RAMOS: Leaked Email Shows How Trump Got Palin OK

by J0RGE RAMOS | UNIVISION January 20, 2016 Cultura
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Dear Mama Grizzly: Tonight will be like no other. Tonight, The Donald welcomes you into his Trump Towers penthouse. This is a place you have been before, but those nights have been for seduction and romance. Tonight is different. Tonight is about love. Tonight, you will be my everything.

[Mas…]

America to pause for Ricky Martin Luther King, Jr. Day 2016

by Comic Saenz January 17, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause tomorrow to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie […]

[Mas…]

Cholo Electronics Show CES 2016 spotlights latest in High Aztech

by Especial Correspondents January 6, 2016 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The very latest in High Aztech is on display at the fifth annual Cholo Electronics Show (CES) opening here today. Generating the biggest buzz is the new “freemium” app Chologram™ from Oakland’s Firme Junior Systems. The free at first Instagram challenger showcases La Vida Loca Lifestyle® image effects, including the one-tap application of teardrop tattoos to a facial image. The […]

[Mas…]

Mexclusive: Mexican president wants to update the flag

by Comic Saenz December 17, 2015 Cartoons
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Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto is expected to propose a new flag (photo) to better reflect the “Mexico of today, tomorrow and the future,” PNS has learned. “Snakes, eagles,” he told close associates at a meeting Thursday evening, “that was a long, long time ago, in a barrio far, far away.” More on this story […]

[Mas…]

As Hispanic Heritage Month ends, Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on

by ELISE VALDERRAMA October 16, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here. “What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.) “Should I tell […]

[Mas…]

Area taquerias are on lockdown as Trump fever heats up

by Comic Saenz October 8, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Neighborhood taquerias are on lockdown today with customers urged to “shelter in place” as Donald Trump’s immigrant-hating white wing campaign for the GOP presidential nomination heats up. Patrons at the highly-rated Guisados on East Cesar E. Chavez Avenue (photo) said they felt particularly vulnerable as Trump supporters began threatening taco-loving families […]

[Mas…]

¡Orale! It’s International Coffee Day: Cartoons, un video, y ñews

by Comic Saenz September 29, 2015 Cartoons
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¡Feliz International Coffee Day! POCHO runs on coffee (and tacos, of course), and here’s our proof, starting with these self-portraits by POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alacraz. Here’s how to identify Lalo (or any other nationally-syndicated Latino cartoonists) if you happen to seem him [Note: two kinds of coffee]:

[Mas…]

Area man relieved Ashley Madison was hacked, not Ashley Mamon

by José Canusí August 20, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) A local Christian conservative anti-immigration blogger is relieved that the AshleyMadison.com adultery website was hacked, not the Latino gay hookup site AshleyMamon.com. “Whoa I almost crapped my pantalones when I heard about Ashley Madison on a car radio some beaner was blasting in the next lane,” the 43-year-old insurance agent […]

[Mas…]

Can solar-powered mariachis replace bean-powered mariachis?

by Comic Saenz August 10, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Solar-powered mariachis have begun coming off production lines here in the high tech manufacturing city of Guanajuato, Mexico, musical soldiers in the war on climate change. The eco-friendly musicians use renewable energy from the sun instead of traditional musical fuels like frijoles, tacos y cerveza, all of which produce the […]

[Mas…]

Area executive thinks about delicious lunch torta all day long

by Estefania Zavala July 28, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LAREDO) District III Regional Supervisor Pablo Gutierrez, 35, could not wait for yesterday’s pinche lunch break to begin so he could buy a firme torta at Joaquin’s Lonchera. “Tortas were all I could think about,” the middle management exec told PNS Monday evening. “I mean, when Andy from Financing handed me all those reports, I […]

[Mas…]

Bill Cosby blasts Donald Trump’s Mexican comments

by BAE LEWD July 8, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bill Cosby disagrees with Donald Trump’s calling Mexican immigrants rapists. “I know immigrants, and I know rapists. And believe me, Mr. Trump, immigrants are not rapists,” read a statement released here this morning by Cosby attorney Alberto Gordo. “Hey hey hey!” the lawyer added. Cosby photograph by El Rey Del Art. […]

[Mas…]

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do over July 4 weekend

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR July 3, 2015 Cultura

FIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Friday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics come from Los Light & Loafers Sparklistas with their presentation Rainbows of Love. Watch out for the confetti and glitter bombs! Moms: Bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium. […]

[Mas…]