Pocho Ñews Service

(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO ESTATES) In a shocking file uploaded to the Internets last week, a mom in suburban Southern California has been captured on video feeding her baby hot salsa in a baby bottle in order to pay for her husband’s “picante burger” habit.

In the video, a spicy burger pusher known only as “Jack” — his true identity hidden by a grotesque disguise — rings the family’s doorbell and pretends to be religious missionary so the neighbors don’t suspect. “Do you have three minutes to talk about spicy hamburgers?” he asks burger-junkie Juan Desperado, who opens the door.

jackfrontdoor

“I have some something here I think you’ll like,” the pusher says. [Mas…]

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xptattoo(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) “It’s a sad day, ese,” said Ray “Code Boy” Santos, OG founder of area hacker clika MS2 (MS.DOS). “I saw the Windows XP Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) so often, he was mi hermano.”

“We used the XP version of Excel to tweak the hydraulics of Felipe’s ranfla. And I used to have weird dreams about the 3D pipes screensaver,” he told PNS Thursday. “All we had for music in those days was pinche Winamp, carnal, and we liked it!”

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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Trash collectors in the high-technology “Silicon Barrio” here have perfected a new technique for picking up basura that is greener and faster than traditional methods.

As this demo video shows, drivers in León never stop and re-start their trucks — which would mean wasted fuel and extra airborne pollution. Instead, they rely on inertia to keep the trucks on the route and advanced ballistics to perfect the trajectories that move the soft trash containers into the truck’s cavernous interior with a minimum of effort. [Mas…]

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popebylalocropped (PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) The recent earthquakes in Southern California are a message from God, according to Pope Francis. The Almighty, he told a visiting delegation of American Catholics Monday, will shake things up until they are more gay.

“Lord knows this mortal world needs some bright flashes of color that aren’t suicide bomb explosions in crowded markets,” the Pontiff said.”And maybe some marigold-print cafe curtains in that drab nook over there.” [Mas…]

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pochlandiawidealertstatus(PNS reporting from the EAST LOS ANGELES) Pocholandia security officials issued a terrorist alert this morning prompted by the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 over the Gulf of Thailand or the Strait of Malacca or wherever that shit happened, yo.

“I am alerting you terrorist pendejos. Stay the hell out of East Los! said spokesman Gustavo “Little Lalo” Madrigal of the Minivan Crips, a volunteer neighborhood watch group.

“The AMERICAN ME ORANGE ALERT is the second highest alert classification used by the Pocholandia Security Advisory System, bitches, so watchale!” he added.

Graphics by Victor Payan via Hollywood Sign Generator and Personal Threat Level.

PREVIOUSLY ON TERRORIST THEATRE: [Mas…]

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dudeballoonwrongguzman(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here.

The Shopper mistakenly included a photo (right) of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman. [Mas…]

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Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest

by THE VALLEY LEMON March 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan. “It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one […]

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Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result

by EresNerd February 21, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) During his morning coffee break, local accountant, Lawrence “Lencho” Flores, completed a survey that appeared on his Facebook timeline called, What Selena Character are You? According to sources, Flores was deeply disappointed with the result of Yolanda Saldivar as his character. According to the quiz, Flores is Yolanda Saldivar who […]

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Wild Chihuahuas terrorize Arizona town

by Victor Payan February 18, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MARICOPA COUNTY) In a breaking development on a story first reported by POCHO in 2012, packs of wild Chihuahuas have taken over and are terrorizing a small town in Maricopa County, AZ. The roving bands of pint-sized pooches have residents mortified, primarily because locals are afraid of anything remotely Mexican. Officials agree […]

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Dos Mujeres website offers V-Day deals for duplicitous Don Juans

by Pocha Peña February 13, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) “This is muy badass,” says Kinke La Muerte, generously-paid celebrity endorser and front man for the infamous gothic conjunto band Los Cucuys de la Cueva. “Now both mis hynas get caramel kisses with one clique!” La Muerte (photo, right) and other bigamists across Aztlan are celebrating this Valentine’s Day with a […]

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Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games

by Especial Correspondents February 6, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Hundreds of competitors and an equal number of spectators are expected for the opening of the first Xochitl Games here tomorrow. The so-called “Indigenous Olympics,” organized by the Nahuatl Athletic Council Organization (NACO), hopes to share some of the buzz from the regular Winter Olympics, in Sochi. NACO is especially […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

by María Purísima February 4, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams. “You know, I […]

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Breaking: Cheech and Chong join Super ‘Bowl’ halftime show

by Victor Payan January 31, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK) The National Football League confirmed widespread rumors this morning that legendary comedy team Cheech and Chong will be performing during Sunday’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told potheads who had been holding their breath that they could now exhale. Their counterculture comedy heroes WILL perform at the […]

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New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

by María Purísima January 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.” “Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,” […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: Here’s how Obama plans to ‘give America a raise’

by Especial Correspondents January 29, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Barack Obama plans to use his executive powers to raise the minimum wage for employees of Federal contractors and he wants corporate executives and local and state officials to do the same. “Give America a raise!” he said in his State of the Union address Tuesday night: In the coming […]

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Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

by María Purísima January 28, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night. “He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So […]

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America to pause Monday for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2014

by Comic Saenz January 17, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges take the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – […]

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U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless

by Pocho Ñews Service January 16, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to change that appeal thing some lower courts were dealing with earlier (you know, back and forth and shit?) no matter que chingados the people think. POCHO will share more details as the situation develops here in Our Nation’s Capital.

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