Pocho Ñews Service

hungryguy(PNS reporting from LAREDO) District III Regional Supervisor Pablo Gutierrez, 35, could not wait for yesterday’s pinche lunch break to begin so he could buy a firme torta at Joaquin’s Lonchera.

“Tortas were all I could think about,” the middle management exec told PNS Monday evening.

“I mean, when Andy from Financing handed me all those reports, I said ‘thanks’ but I was really imagining that he was a giant slice of avocado in my torta.” [Mas…]

tallcosby(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bill Cosby disagrees with Donald Trump’s calling Mexican immigrants rapists.

“I know immigrants, and I know rapists. And believe me, Mr. Trump, immigrants are not rapists,” read a statement released here this morning by Cosby attorney Alberto Gordo.

“Hey hey hey!” the lawyer added.

Cosby photograph by El Rey Del Art.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

elotessignFIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Friday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics come from Los Light & Loafers Sparklistas with their presentation Rainbows of Love. Watch out for the confetti and glitter bombs!

Moms: Bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium.

Dads: Do NOT bring your own fireworks like last year.

INK AND DRINK: Two businesses in the El Rancho Pocho Downtown Historical District are getting together for a patriotic combo deal that’s hard to beat.

Get any flag or patriotic tat at Inky Dinky’s House of Pain on Porciuncula Place Friday through Sunday and Inky will slide you a $10 pre-paid bar tab for the Loco Lounge next door.

And guys, if you like thick chicks, you’ll love new tattoo artist Salma’s Fernando Botero-inspired portraits of your true hyna, right over your heart. [Mas…]

paletero01(PNS reporting from EL PASO) The Montezuma Street kids met Tuesday evening, at “their tree,” the oak next to Mrs. Moreno’s house.

It was still light out on the longest day of the year, and they could have kept on bike riding, but they needed an answer, and they needed it quick.

Where, everyone wanted to know, was the Paletero Man? [Mas…]

fathersdaychurchsignFather and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.

Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare. [Mas…]

saddarensq(PNS reporting from MILWAUKEE) Local cat made good Daren the Lion, long-time spokescritter for the D.A.R.E. anti-drug education program, has resigned and moved to Colorado, PNS learned Monday.

“He’s fallen off the catnip wagon,” one area family member told PNS. “He’s all about the ‘flowers’ now.” [Mas…]

IGgrannyipad(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Rigoberto “Rigo” Chavez, 15, cringed in horror when he logged into Facebook Thursday morning and received a notification that his abuelita had once again commented on his status.

The high school junior had posted a status that read “$waaaag$” and Abuelita replied in ALL CAPS:

CACHORRITO ERES LA LUZ DE MI VIDA. CUIDATE MUCHO TE QUIERO [Mas…]

schoolgirl(PNS reporting from EL MONTE) The pressure was too much for Marisol Cruz, a fourth grader at Fernando Valenzuela Elementary, who collapsed on the playground Friday afternoon.

Friends said Marisol was a total stressball since her mother told her to memorize all of her cousins’ names before her upcoming primera comunión fiesta.

“I have like 80 cousins!” the Penn Mar Avenue resident told PNS after she had calmed down and accepted a bag of Takis as an incentive to talk.

“It’s not my fault Mama and Papa have like 20 brothers and sisters each! I just can’t remember them all. Call me ‘Mari’ by the way.”

Mari listed the names: [Mas…]

BREAKING: Chipotle burrito confuses elderly Mexican man

by Estefania Zavala June 3, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Felipe Alvarez, 67, bit his tongue Tuesday afternoon. The North Sacramento resident bit his tongue when his godson Tommy Alvarez (no relation) handed him a gold-foil-wrapped burrito from the trendy Chipotle Mexican Grill on Truxel Road. The metal-wrapped mystery meal, however, never made it to his mouth. Don Felipe (photo) could […]

[Mas…]

Scientist’s quest to reproduce abuela’s mole recipe ends in failure

by Estefania Zavala June 1, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from RIVERSIDE) After a decade-long quest to duplicate his Oaxacan abuela’s mole poblano recipe, UC Riverside food scientist Miguel Jimenez, 33, declared defeat Sunday. Microbiologist Jimenez had hoped to identify the ingredients in the mysterious chocolate chile sauce his abuela puts on chicken. “She won’t give anyone the recipe!” said Jimenez, as he […]

[Mas…]

Angry area youth calls menudo ‘yucky,’ demands pizza

by ESTEFANIA ZAVALA May 18, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from ALTADENA) Javier “Flaco” Hernandez outraged his family Sunday night when he refused to eat his bowl of menudo. “It’s yucky!” the 8-year-old shouted as he repeatedly banged his spoon on the dinner table and insisted on pizza instead. Flaco’s refusal ticked off his mom, who had spent hours preparing the beef stomach broth […]

[Mas…]

Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

by María Purísima May 4, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

[Mas…]

Discovery! ‘Lost’ French tribe found in painted cave near Puebla, MX

by Victor Payan May 4, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Mexican researchers are baffled by the discovery of a lost tribe of Frenchmen living in an artfully-decorated cave in the foothills of Mt. Popocatépetl in the state of Puebla. The Frenchmen, found by a group of hikers, are believed to be descended from a military patrol that went missing in 1862, during the French […]

[Mas…]

Puebla, MX narco cartel killers crush French gang invaders

by Comic Saenz May 1, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned. The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika […]

[Mas…]

Area Man’s Dilemma: ‘Work on beach body or just wear a t-shirt?’

by María Purísima April 17, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Julio Reyes wanted a beach body shape this Summer, but after weighing changing his diet, swapping soda for water and committing to a strenuous of weights and cardio, he reconsidered. “I think I’m just going to wear my t-shirt with my swim trunks this year,” he told PNS. “That way, if […]

[Mas…]

New Ted Cruz campaign ad warns it may be ‘too late’

by Comic Saenz April 1, 2015 Cartoons
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[Mas…]

Around Our Town on St. Patrick’s Day: Where to go, what to do

by CHALE KNICKERBOCKER, SOCIETY EDITOR March 17, 2015 Cultura
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LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour. Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all […]

[Mas…]

BREAKING: Sean Penn set for Cesar Chavez keynote speech

by Lalo Alcaraz February 25, 2015 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday. Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the […]

[Mas…]

Disneyland preps new WE ❤️ MEASLES marketing push

by PEDO MAUS February 23, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Disneyland’s new WE ❤️ MEASLES marketing campaign intends to “pro-actively go where the customers are” by turning “lemons into lemonade,” PNS has learned.

[Mas…]

Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

by Especial Correspondents February 12, 2015 El Now
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Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea. That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015: 8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children […]

[Mas…]

Blacks, Latinos slam Beerchata’s new ‘I Have A Drink’ ad campaign

by Victor Payan January 19, 2015 Cultura

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latino and African-American activists hate Beerchata’s new TV ad campaign. The first scheduled commercial, which airs today, repurposes old video of the late Ricky Martin Luther King to sell the new alcoholic concoction. The ad shows King, digitally inserted into classic footage of a 1963 civil rights rally at the […]

[Mas…]

America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2015

by Comic Saenz January 16, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie […]

[Mas…]

Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

by María Purísima January 12, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015. “Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday. “I’m just tired of getting flack […]

[Mas…]

Copy and save this image to repost on Facebook (toon)

by Comic Saenz January 2, 2015 Cartoons
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When the bullshit on Facebook becomes too much, a picture is worth 1000 words. Next time someone posts the worthless “Facebook Privacy Notice,” or warns about the bull semen in energy drinks or that Obama’s power-mad bureaucrats have outlawed sprinkles on ice cream cones, post this meme/image based on a painting by Norman Rockwell. Or […]

[Mas…]