Pocho Ñews Service

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone. [Mas…]

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seanpenn(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday.

Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the San Jose Civic Center with some humorous anecdotes. [Mas…]

disneyjenny(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Disneyland’s new WE ❤️ MEASLES marketing campaign intends to “pro-actively go where the customers are” by turning “lemons into lemonade,” PNS has learned. [Mas…]

tedcruzdonkeyhoteySenator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea.

That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015:

8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children shall encourage incorporation of nutritious roadkill meat, especially racoon. Now yer ‘coon is a touch on the greasy side, not sweet like ‘possum, but if you cook ‘em up right, mmmmmmm, racoon!

7. Women banned from buying condoms because it curtails a Man’s Right to Reproduce.

6. Solar energy outlawed because it sucks the light right out of the Sun. [Mas…]

beerchata(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latino and African-American activists hate Beerchata’s new TV ad campaign.

The first scheduled commercial, which airs today, repurposes old video of the late Ricky Martin Luther King to sell the new alcoholic concoction.

The ad shows King, digitally inserted into classic footage of a 1963 civil rights rally at the Washington Monument, telling the crowd that he had a dream, “a dream about drinking Beerchata, the passionate horchata-flavored malt beverage from our amigos at Cervezeria Pochteca.”

“This I Have a Drink! commercial is an insult to the civil rights movement,” Ron de Cuba, told reporters Sunday.

“And it is an insult to insinuate that Latinos drink Beerchata.”

De Cuba is the author of the Amazon best-selling free audiobook The Revolution Will Be Advertised.

The author spoke at a press conference at the Watergate Hotel here organized by Not White Activists, an advocacy, diversity and solidarity community coalition of, by and for persons of color. [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – will go on sale all across America. Monday would have been RMLK’s 39th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate for confused African-Americans, Latinos, Afro-Latinos and Anglos alike. [Mas…]

sadgirl(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015.

“Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday.

“I’m just tired of getting flack for aiming too damn high!” [Mas…]

snopesWhen the bullshit on Facebook becomes too much, a picture is worth 1000 words. Next time someone posts the worthless “Facebook Privacy Notice,” or warns about the bull semen in energy drinks or that Obama’s power-mad bureaucrats have outlawed sprinkles on ice cream cones, post this meme/image based on a painting by Norman Rockwell. Or look this shit up on Snopes.com. Or both.

Also, when you see this notice at the bottom of EVERY SINGLE STORY marked PNS here on POCHO, jeez, pay some attention:

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

 

Local Mexican cafe preps special Red Bull® Menudo for New Year’s Day

by EresNerd December 31, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting HOUSTON) Lalo’s Cocina Bar & Grill here will be serving special New Year’s Day breakfasts to early risers going to Mass and partiers winding down from New Year’s Eve, but that’s not the whole estory.

[Mas…]

PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

by Lucida Grandé December 16, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Fido and Fluffy have become collateral damage in the war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels. Recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of local seed-deprived Chia Pets cold, shivering and hairless this Yuletide season, Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of […]

[Mas…]

Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

by Especial Correspondents December 15, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA) Factional fighting among Spanglish speakers, academics, and Raza activists doomed the first Spanglish grammar conference, held here Sunday. “The idea was to create some foundational principles and ground rules for our people’s language,” co-organizer Lourdes Cervantes-Borges of the Professional Organization of Chican@s Oppressed by Society (POCHOS) told PNS. “We […]

[Mas…]

Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

by PROFESSOR EQUIS December 1, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FERGUSON, MO) St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch credits the ghost of notorious 19th Century Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz with the legal theory that there was insufficient evidence to prosecute killer cop Darren Wilson. In an interview with PNS Sunday, McCulloch said the ghost of Diaz visited him in a dream […]

[Mas…]

On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

by Professor Equis November 27, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Families here are thanking President Barack Obama as they sit down to their Thanksgiving meals today. Undocumented immigrant Mario Garza, who plans to pay his fines and “get in the back of the line,” is overjoyed with the White House plans to help fix “our broken immigration system.” “No pues está […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: New Latino Christmas cereals from Kellogg’s

by HABLO PICASSO November 18, 2014 Cartoons
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Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.]

[Mas…]

Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

by Comic Saenz November 17, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Newly-uncovered video confirms allegations that the U.S. Government stole and perverted POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’s 1998 plan to use remote-controlled robots (now called drones) for peaceful purposes. The short informational piece, which Alcaraz made for the United States Department of Labor, aired only once — on local access cable TV […]

[Mas…]

iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

by BUSINESS GWIRE PRESS RELEASE November 6, 2014 El Now
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(NOVEMBER 5, 2014, GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) iJuanCo, creator of iJuan, the first smartphone app to directly match day laborers and potential bosses, has secured a $3.5 million dollar investment from venture capital fund XS Dinero, iJuanCo company president Grito Del Toro announced here today. Day laborers using the app will be able to register their schedules, skill […]

[Mas…]

Behind closed doors: Obama’s REAL anti-Ebola strategy (NSFW audio)

by COWARD STERN October 30, 2014 Audio
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) While Republicans and FOX News have been quick to attack President Barack Obama’s anti-Ebola strategy, they didn’t hear this behind-the-scenes recording of the President’s remarks to health workers Wednesday. An un-named aide leaked this recording to POCHO this morning. [NSFW adult language.]   POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY […]

[Mas…]

Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

by María Purísima October 21, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends. The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.” Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too […]

[Mas…]

Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on as Hispanic Heritage Month ends

by Elise Roedenbeck October 16, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here. “What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.) “Should I tell […]

[Mas…]

Breaking Ñews: Biologists ID the gene behind white male hate

by Victor Payan October 13, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) They think they’ve finally figured it out: A single gene — passed from father to son — is responsible for the hateful words and actions perpetrated by white males. A 20-year-long Northwestern University study on male aggression, released this morning, backs their conclusion. The report, Male Pattern Whiteness: Genesis or Genetics, […]

[Mas…]

Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

by María Purísima October 6, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FRESNO) The 16 Cal State Fresno MEChA students who flew to Hong Kong to join the student protest — but were quickly kicked out of the demonstration — returned home late Sunday night. The students were ejected from Occupy Central after Hong Kong student organizers discovered that the Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de […]

[Mas…]

Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: ABBA (videos)

by Victor Payan October 6, 2014 Cultura
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It is a little known fact that 1970s supergroup ABBA became heroes to blonde Latinos throughout the Americas when the Spanish-language versions of the group’s singles Chiquitita, Fernando, Mama Mia and Dancing Queen failed to identify the band as Swedish.  For years, Latin Americans treasured what they thought was the first Argentine band to hit […]

[Mas…]

New perfumes offer scents of dead Reds Che and Chavez (video)

by FREON TROTSKY September 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HAVANA) Hey, kids! Now you can smell like dead Commies Che Guevara and/or Hugo Chavez with these two new scents from Cuba’s Labiofarm labs. (That’s “labio” not “labia,” you freaks.) The just-announced perfume products could be a big source of hard currency for Venezuela‘s flagging economy, which Chavez poisoned and current Commandante […]

[Mas…]

New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

by Chalupe Lopez September 24, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Movie executives here are scrambling to respond to the fury over just-announced Christian religious figures re-imagined as Barbie dolls. The Kens and Barbies are slated to promote the Mattel-Disney movie Crucifiction that “rebrands” the Passion of Jesus. The film is set for Xmas release. The Disney reps — now on the defensive […]

[Mas…]