Pocho Ñews Service

shirtmodel(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported. [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

cavewallpicnic(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Mexican researchers are baffled by the discovery of a lost tribe of Frenchmen living in an artfully-decorated cave in the foothills of Mt. Popocatépetl in the state of Puebla.

The Frenchmen, found by a group of hikers, are believed to be descended from a military patrol that went missing in 1862, during the French occupation of Mexico.

The cave was discovered when the hikers followed the distinct smell of espresso to its entrance.  Upon entering, they found the walls painted with scenes of picnics and absinthe drinkers and the floors littered with empty bottles of the hallucinatory liqueur. [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla

(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos. [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

mexicanswim(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Julio Reyes wanted a beach body shape this Summer, but after weighing changing his diet, swapping soda for water and committing to a strenuous of weights and cardio, he reconsidered.

“I think I’m just going to wear my t-shirt with my swim trunks this year,” he told PNS. “That way, if my workout regimen doesn’t kick in ‘til later no one will notice.” [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

cruzad2

LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.

Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.

For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.

Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone. [Mas…]

seanpenn(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Sean Penn will deliver the keynote address at the City of San Jose’s annual Cesar Chavez Day celebration March 31, friends of the actor say. The ceremony honors the late Mexican-American icon and civil rights leader on his birthday.

Penn told dinner companions here Tuesday night that he plans to open the speech at the San Jose Civic Center with some humorous anecdotes. [Mas…]

disneyjenny(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Disneyland’s new WE ❤️ MEASLES marketing campaign intends to “pro-actively go where the customers are” by turning “lemons into lemonade,” PNS has learned. [Mas…]

Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

by Especial Correspondents February 12, 2015 El Now
Thumbnail image for Texas Senator Ted Cruz’ Pocho Ocho top legislative proposals

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has reintroduced legislation to take away federal benefits from same-sex married couples. But this troglodyte’s penedjitis is too advanced to stop at one stupid and hateful idea. That’s right, there’s more — Ted Cruz’s Pocho Ocho Top Legislative Priorities for 2015: 8. Federal guidelines on subsidized school lunches for poor children […]

[Mas…]

Blacks, Latinos slam Beerchata’s new ‘I Have A Drink’ ad campaign

by Victor Payan January 19, 2015 Cultura

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latino and African-American activists hate Beerchata’s new TV ad campaign. The first scheduled commercial, which airs today, repurposes old video of the late Ricky Martin Luther King to sell the new alcoholic concoction. The ad shows King, digitally inserted into classic footage of a 1963 civil rights rally at the […]

[Mas…]

America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2015

by Comic Saenz January 16, 2015 Cultura
Thumbnail image for America pauses for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2015

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever. Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges are taking the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie […]

[Mas…]

Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

by María Purísima January 12, 2015 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015. “Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday. “I’m just tired of getting flack […]

[Mas…]

Copy and save this image to repost on Facebook (toon)

by Comic Saenz January 2, 2015 Cartoons
Thumbnail image for Copy and save this image to repost on Facebook (toon)

When the bullshit on Facebook becomes too much, a picture is worth 1000 words. Next time someone posts the worthless “Facebook Privacy Notice,” or warns about the bull semen in energy drinks or that Obama’s power-mad bureaucrats have outlawed sprinkles on ice cream cones, post this meme/image based on a painting by Norman Rockwell. Or […]

[Mas…]

Local Mexican cafe preps special Red Bull® Menudo for New Year’s Day

by EresNerd December 31, 2014 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Local Mexican cafe preps special Red Bull® Menudo for New Year’s Day

(PNS reporting HOUSTON) Lalo’s Cocina Bar & Grill here will be serving special New Year’s Day breakfasts to early risers going to Mass and partiers winding down from New Year’s Eve, but that’s not the whole estory.

[Mas…]

PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

by Lucida Grandé December 16, 2014 El Now
Thumbnail image for PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Fido and Fluffy have become collateral damage in the war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels. Recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of local seed-deprived Chia Pets cold, shivering and hairless this Yuletide season, Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of […]

[Mas…]

Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

by Especial Correspondents December 15, 2014 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA) Factional fighting among Spanglish speakers, academics, and Raza activists doomed the first Spanglish grammar conference, held here Sunday. “The idea was to create some foundational principles and ground rules for our people’s language,” co-organizer Lourdes Cervantes-Borges of the Professional Organization of Chican@s Oppressed by Society (POCHOS) told PNS. “We […]

[Mas…]

Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

by PROFESSOR EQUIS December 1, 2014 El Now
Thumbnail image for Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

(PNS reporting from FERGUSON, MO) St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch credits the ghost of notorious 19th Century Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz with the legal theory that there was insufficient evidence to prosecute killer cop Darren Wilson. In an interview with PNS Sunday, McCulloch said the ghost of Diaz visited him in a dream […]

[Mas…]

On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

by Professor Equis November 27, 2014 El Now
Thumbnail image for On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Families here are thanking President Barack Obama as they sit down to their Thanksgiving meals today. Undocumented immigrant Mario Garza, who plans to pay his fines and “get in the back of the line,” is overjoyed with the White House plans to help fix “our broken immigration system.” “No pues está […]

[Mas…]

Breaking: New Latino Christmas cereals from Kellogg’s

by HABLO PICASSO November 18, 2014 Cartoons
Thumbnail image for Breaking: New Latino Christmas cereals from Kellogg’s

Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.]

[Mas…]

Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

by Comic Saenz November 17, 2014 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Newly-uncovered video confirms allegations that the U.S. Government stole and perverted POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’s 1998 plan to use remote-controlled robots (now called drones) for peaceful purposes. The short informational piece, which Alcaraz made for the United States Department of Labor, aired only once — on local access cable TV […]

[Mas…]

iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

by BUSINESS GWIRE PRESS RELEASE November 6, 2014 El Now
Thumbnail image for iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

(NOVEMBER 5, 2014, GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) iJuanCo, creator of iJuan, the first smartphone app to directly match day laborers and potential bosses, has secured a $3.5 million dollar investment from venture capital fund XS Dinero, iJuanCo company president Grito Del Toro announced here today. Day laborers using the app will be able to register their schedules, skill […]

[Mas…]

Behind closed doors: Obama’s REAL anti-Ebola strategy (NSFW audio)

by COWARD STERN October 30, 2014 Audio
Thumbnail image for Behind closed doors: Obama’s REAL anti-Ebola strategy (NSFW audio)

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) While Republicans and FOX News have been quick to attack President Barack Obama’s anti-Ebola strategy, they didn’t hear this behind-the-scenes recording of the President’s remarks to health workers Wednesday. An un-named aide leaked this recording to POCHO this morning. [NSFW adult language.]   POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY […]

[Mas…]

Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

by María Purísima October 21, 2014 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends. The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.” Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too […]

[Mas…]

Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on as Hispanic Heritage Month ends

by Elise Roedenbeck October 16, 2014 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on as Hispanic Heritage Month ends

(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here. “What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.) “Should I tell […]

[Mas…]