Pocho Ñews Service

Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

by María Purísima January 12, 2015 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015. “Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday. “I’m just tired of getting flack […]

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Copy and save this image to repost on Facebook (toon)

by Comic Saenz January 2, 2015 Cartoons
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When the bullshit on Facebook becomes too much, a picture is worth 1000 words. Next time someone posts the worthless “Facebook Privacy Notice,” or warns about the bull semen in energy drinks or that Obama’s power-mad bureaucrats have outlawed sprinkles on ice cream cones, post this meme/image based on a painting by Norman Rockwell. Or […]

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Local Mexican cafe preps special Red Bull® Menudo for New Year’s Day

by EresNerd December 31, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting HOUSTON) Lalo’s Cocina Bar & Grill here will be serving special New Year’s Day breakfasts to early risers going to Mass and partiers winding down from New Year’s Eve, but that’s not the whole estory.

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PETA: Quinoa vs chia cartel wars hurt Fido, Fluffy over Christmas

by Lucida Grandé December 16, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Fido and Fluffy have become collateral damage in the war between the rival QuinoaTraficante and ChiaTraficante agricultural cartels. Recent attacks on Mexican chia seed production — apparently at the hands of rival-cartel-affiliated quinoa growers — have left thousands of local seed-deprived Chia Pets cold, shivering and hairless this Yuletide season, Texas People for the Ethical Treatment of […]

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Accusations, controversy doom first Spanglish grammar conference

by Especial Correspondents December 15, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA) Factional fighting among Spanglish speakers, academics, and Raza activists doomed the first Spanglish grammar conference, held here Sunday. “The idea was to create some foundational principles and ground rules for our people’s language,” co-organizer Lourdes Cervantes-Borges of the Professional Organization of Chican@s Oppressed by Society (POCHOS) told PNS. “We […]

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Prosecutor says ‘spirit of Porfirio Diaz’ guided Ferguson grand jury

by PROFESSOR EQUIS December 1, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FERGUSON, MO) St. Louis County Prosecutor Robert P. McCulloch credits the ghost of notorious 19th Century Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz with the legal theory that there was insufficient evidence to prosecute killer cop Darren Wilson. In an interview with PNS Sunday, McCulloch said the ghost of Diaz visited him in a dream […]

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On Thanksgiving, Texans thank Obama for immigration action

by Professor Equis November 27, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Families here are thanking President Barack Obama as they sit down to their Thanksgiving meals today. Undocumented immigrant Mario Garza, who plans to pay his fines and “get in the back of the line,” is overjoyed with the White House plans to help fix “our broken immigration system.” “No pues está […]

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Breaking: New Latino Christmas cereals from Kellogg’s

by HABLO PICASSO November 18, 2014 Cartoons
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Look for Jesu Krispis, Guada Loops and Tade0s on store shelves soon! [Click to enlarge.]

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Breaking: U.S. perverted peaceful Mexi-Drone robot plan

by Comic Saenz November 17, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Newly-uncovered video confirms allegations that the U.S. Government stole and perverted POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’s 1998 plan to use remote-controlled robots (now called drones) for peaceful purposes. The short informational piece, which Alcaraz made for the United States Department of Labor, aired only once — on local access cable TV […]

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iJuan, smartphone app for day labor, scores $3,500,000 investment

by BUSINESS GWIRE PRESS RELEASE November 6, 2014 El Now
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(NOVEMBER 5, 2014, GUANAJUATO, MEXICO) iJuanCo, creator of iJuan, the first smartphone app to directly match day laborers and potential bosses, has secured a $3.5 million dollar investment from venture capital fund XS Dinero, iJuanCo company president Grito Del Toro announced here today. Day laborers using the app will be able to register their schedules, skill […]

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Behind closed doors: Obama’s REAL anti-Ebola strategy (NSFW audio)

by COWARD STERN October 30, 2014 Audio
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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) While Republicans and FOX News have been quick to attack President Barack Obama’s anti-Ebola strategy, they didn’t hear this behind-the-scenes recording of the President’s remarks to health workers Wednesday. An un-named aide leaked this recording to POCHO this morning. [NSFW adult language.]   POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY […]

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Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

by María Purísima October 21, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends. The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.” Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too […]

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Brooklyn Hispanics try to carry on as Hispanic Heritage Month ends

by Elise Roedenbeck October 16, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Hispanic Heritage Month is over, and without the corporate-approved celebration as a focus, local members of the Hispanic/Latino community here aren’t really sure how they can go on being local members of the local Hispanic/Latino community here. “What now?” lamented Brooklyn native and prolific bloguera Marielena Gutierrez (photo, right.) “Should I tell […]

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Breaking Ñews: Biologists ID the gene behind white male hate

by Victor Payan October 13, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) They think they’ve finally figured it out: A single gene — passed from father to son — is responsible for the hateful words and actions perpetrated by white males. A 20-year-long Northwestern University study on male aggression, released this morning, backs their conclusion. The report, Male Pattern Whiteness: Genesis or Genetics, […]

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Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

by María Purísima October 6, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FRESNO) The 16 Cal State Fresno MEChA students who flew to Hong Kong to join the student protest — but were quickly kicked out of the demonstration — returned home late Sunday night. The students were ejected from Occupy Central after Hong Kong student organizers discovered that the Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de […]

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Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: ABBA (videos)

by Victor Payan October 6, 2014 Cultura
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It is a little known fact that 1970s supergroup ABBA became heroes to blonde Latinos throughout the Americas when the Spanish-language versions of the group’s singles Chiquitita, Fernando, Mama Mia and Dancing Queen failed to identify the band as Swedish.  For years, Latin Americans treasured what they thought was the first Argentine band to hit […]

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New perfumes offer scents of dead Reds Che and Chavez (video)

by FREON TROTSKY September 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from HAVANA) Hey, kids! Now you can smell like dead Commies Che Guevara and/or Hugo Chavez with these two new scents from Cuba’s Labiofarm labs. (That’s “labio” not “labia,” you freaks.) The just-announced perfume products could be a big source of hard currency for Venezuela‘s flagging economy, which Chavez poisoned and current Commandante […]

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New Mattel-Disney dolls for ‘Crucifiction’ movie cause furor

by Chalupe Lopez September 24, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from ANAHEIM) Movie executives here are scrambling to respond to the fury over just-announced Christian religious figures re-imagined as Barbie dolls. The Kens and Barbies are slated to promote the Mattel-Disney movie Crucifiction that “rebrands” the Passion of Jesus. The film is set for Xmas release. The Disney reps — now on the defensive […]

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Feds make Sheriff Joe return military gear; he has Plan B

by Especial Correspondents September 19, 2014 Pocho Ñews Service
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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Racist Sheriff Joe Arpaio claims the Federal Government’s decision to reclaim “surplus” military gear (like tanks [photo] and M16 rifles) transferred to his department is no big deal since he has already procured new weapons to replace the full-auto rifles Uncle Sam wants back. “Hell no! We don’t need tanks and M16s for these illegals,” […]

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Official spokesman for U.S. Hispanics quits: ‘It’s a bullshit job!’

by María Purísima September 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Gerardo Lamas, the official spokesman for all Hispanics in the United States, resigned Wednesday night. “This is a bullshit job and I’ll never be able to please anybody,” he told PNS in a late-night phone call. “I mean, I’ve been at this for a while, and let me tell you, it hasn’t […]

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A burrito is not a sandwich, Massachusetts judge rules

by Especial Correspondents August 29, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MASSACHUSETTS) A burrito is not a sandwich, you idiots, according to a court decision announced here last week. Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Locke made the ruling as he threw out a lawsuit brought by a Panera restaurant seeking to stop White City Shopping Center in Shrewbsury from leasing space to a franchisee […]

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Local Chicano decides to start calling himself ‘Hispanic’

by María Purísima August 19, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from IRVINE, CA) Roland Vega, 33, formerly known as “Rolando,” has come to an important moment in his life: He’s transitioned from a “Chicano” to a “Hispanic.” The decision to change the way he self-identifies came as somewhat of a shock to his family and his homeboys, but not necessarily to Vega’s former […]

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Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

by María Purísima August 15, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination. “His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job […]

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Cheap Chinese chanclas choke Chuy’s Choo Repair

by Comic Saenz July 25, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Chuy’s Choo Repair on Ashland has been fixing heels, stretching boots and giving new soles to tired oxfords since 1956, but owner Eddie Calderon doesn’t know how long he can keep his shop open. Calderon (photo, right), whose father opened the business when he returned to Chicago after the Korean War, […]

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