Pocho Ñews Service

Breaking Ñews: Map shows common Asian languages by state

by Especial Correspondents June 5, 2014 Cartoons
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(PNS reporting from NORMAL, ILL) Demographers at Pocho Asian American Policy Institute (PAAPI) here have just released a new map detailing the most common Asian languages spoken in the U.S., broken out on a state by state basis, in English and Spanish. [Click on image to enlarge.]

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Back from the dead and running for Congress, it’s Cesar Chavez!

by Santino J. Rivera June 3, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Cesar Chavez — noted American farm worker, labor leader and civil rights activist — is back from the dead and running for the congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor (D-AZ). “I will do just about anything to win in Arizona’s heavily Hispanic 7th Congressional District,” Chavez said in […]

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Subcommandante Marcos retires, will work on restaurant

by Santino J. Rivera May 29, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from CHIAPAS, MX) Subcommandante Marcos, leader of the Zapatista rebels (EZLN) in southern Mexico, has announced that he is leaving the group’s leadership. He said he no longer spoke on behalf of EZLN but will instead focus on his restaurant empire in Chicago.

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Why Rep. Joe Garcia (D-Miami) picked his ear wax, ate it on TV (video)

by Especial Correspondents May 13, 2014 El Now

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) A close look at a recent C-SPAN video reveals that Florida Democratic Congressman Joe Garcia, Jr. picked his ear wax and ate it on live TV, a Cuban folkloric ritual rarely seen outside Miami’s Cuban-American community. “La Ceremonia de la Cera del Oído can be traced to a curandero who lived […]

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Did Puerto Rican lawyers cause rise in bed-fall fatalities?

by Comic Saenz May 12, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from CAMBRIDGE, MASS) Did you know that the more lawyers there are in Puerto Rico, the more people die from falling out of their beds? That’s the startling statistical relationship discovered by the prestigious Harvard Law-school-based Spurious Correlations Institute, one of many recently revealed on their website.

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POCHO Asks America: How did you celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

by Especial Correspondents May 6, 2014 Cultura
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POCHO sent reporters to bars and parties, barbecues and parades all across the United Estates to find out how Americans were celebrating Cinco de Mayo. Here’s what they said: CLYDE WORKMAN, DETROIT: I’m squeezing limes into my 40′s TAD BROGET, PRINCETON: Naturally, one had one’s valet bring a snifter of proper reposado PANAMA RED, DENVER: […]

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Tribe of lost French people found living in cave near Puebla, MX

by Victor Payan May 5, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Mexican researchers are baffled by the discovery of a lost tribe of Frenchmen living in an artfully-decorated cave in the foothills of Mt. Popocatépetl in the state of Puebla. The Frenchmen, found by a group of hikers, are believed to be descended from a military patrol that went missing in 1862, during the French […]

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Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

by María Purísima May 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!” “I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard […]

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Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

by EDUARDO BURRO May 4, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned. The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika […]

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Breaking: Old school papers reveal racist kid Donald Sterling

by SHANDAFODA GOYIM April 30, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Disgraced L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling, born Donald Tokowitz in Boyle Heights, started off his career in racism early, according to a note uncovered late Tuesday night by the Historical East Latino Los Angeles (HELLA) research project.

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Stars to record ‘You Are An ^%$#’ for Donald Sterling [photos,video]

by Especial Correspondents April 28, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Stars from television, music and sports are set to gather in the old A&M sound stages (now the Henson Studios) on La Brea Avenue here today to record a rebuke to Donald Sterling, racist owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. Galvanized by community organizer Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who wears the mantle of slain […]

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Texas GOP politician’s Tweet makes him ‘Pendejo of the Month’

by Especial Correspondents April 17, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Texas State Senator Dan Patrick, a Republican Lieutenant Governor wannabe, was named Pendejo of the Month Wednesday by the American Pochismo Institute (API.) The award followed his Univision debate Tuesday with San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro (photo.) API’s designation, which is usually not revealed until the end of the month, was […]

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Mom feeds baby salsa to mooch burgers (photos, video)

by Especial Correspondents April 14, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO ESTATES) In a shocking file uploaded to the Internets last week, a mom in suburban Southern California has been captured on video feeding her baby hot salsa in a baby bottle in order to pay for her husband’s “picante burger” habit. In the video, a spicy burger pusher known only […]

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Local PC user laments passing of Windows XP: ‘RIP, BSOD!’

by Especial Correspondents April 11, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) “It’s a sad day, ese,” said Ray “Code Boy” Santos, OG founder of area hacker clika MS2 (MS.DOS). “I saw the Windows XP Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) so often, he was mi hermano.” “We used the XP version of Excel to tweak the hydraulics of Felipe’s ranfla. And I […]

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Mexican garbage men perfect low-impact trash collection (video)

by RAY CYCLE April 4, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Trash collectors in the high-technology “Silicon Barrio” here have perfected a new technique for picking up basura that is greener and faster than traditional methods. As this demo video shows, drivers in León never stop and re-start their trucks — which would mean wasted fuel and extra airborne pollution. Instead, […]

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Pope: ‘Quakes are message from God: Let there be gay’

by Especial Correspondents April 1, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) The recent earthquakes in Southern California are a message from God, according to Pope Francis. The Almighty, he told a visiting delegation of American Catholics Monday, will shake things up until they are more gay. “Lord knows this mortal world needs some bright flashes of color that aren’t suicide bomb […]

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Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert

by Comic Saenz March 12, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from the EAST LOS ANGELES) Pocholandia security officials issued a terrorist alert this morning prompted by the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 over the Gulf of Thailand or the Strait of Malacca or wherever that shit happened, yo. “I am alerting you terrorist pendejos. Stay the hell out of East Los!“ said spokesman Gustavo […]

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El Chapo Chronicles: Too many Guzmans confuse New Jersey Jews’ news

by Comic Saenz March 10, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here. The Shopper mistakenly included a photo (right) of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” […]

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Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest

by THE VALLEY LEMON March 5, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan. “It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one […]

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Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result

by EresNerd February 21, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) During his morning coffee break, local accountant, Lawrence “Lencho” Flores, completed a survey that appeared on his Facebook timeline called, What Selena Character are You? According to sources, Flores was deeply disappointed with the result of Yolanda Saldivar as his character. According to the quiz, Flores is Yolanda Saldivar who […]

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Wild Chihuahuas terrorize Arizona town

by Victor Payan February 18, 2014 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from MARICOPA COUNTY) In a breaking development on a story first reported by POCHO in 2012, packs of wild Chihuahuas have taken over and are terrorizing a small town in Maricopa County, AZ. The roving bands of pint-sized pooches have residents mortified, primarily because locals are afraid of anything remotely Mexican. Officials agree […]

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Dos Mujeres website offers V-Day deals for duplicitous Don Juans

by Pocha Peña February 13, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) “This is muy badass,” says Kinke La Muerte, generously-paid celebrity endorser and front man for the infamous gothic conjunto band Los Cucuys de la Cueva. “Now both mis hynas get caramel kisses with one clique!” La Muerte (photo, right) and other bigamists across Aztlan are celebrating this Valentine’s Day with a […]

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Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games

by Especial Correspondents February 6, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Hundreds of competitors and an equal number of spectators are expected for the opening of the first Xochitl Games here tomorrow. The so-called “Indigenous Olympics,” organized by the Nahuatl Athletic Council Organization (NACO), hopes to share some of the buzz from the regular Winter Olympics, in Sochi. NACO is especially […]

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Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

by María Purísima February 4, 2014 El Now
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(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams. “You know, I […]

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