8. Unsure about your next move? Do you need a movement or idea to get behind? Start an Occupy College movement on your campus! You may have graduated, but this will ensure you never have to leave (or shower.)
7. Remember how much you drank your first week of school? Drink twice that amount! As silly as sobriety may seem at the moment, it has absolutely no purpose in the real world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Note that outside of college this is generally referred to as “alcoholism.”
6. To save money, move in with some people who actually had a chance at the American Dream — your parents. You’ll be so busy driving your abuelita around town, you won’t notice the economy sucks.
5. Roll up your sleeves and be prepared to climb that ladder, but not the corporate ladder. In today’s workplace, hard work and loyalty has been replaced by nepotism and complacency. Get on a physical ladder and start changing light bulbs — that way, as your dreams are crushed, you’ll be able to see all the horrible details.
4. Four years of higher education means you are now qualified to fetch coffee. And really, why get a job when you can just get an internship? It’s just like a job but without any money or respect.
3. Find a temporary job to pay your college debt. Popular areas include landscape agriculture, domestic chore facilitator, and selling oranges by the side of the road. You probably have to work in all these areas at once just to afford some name-brand cereal, let alone pay off student loans.
2. Take time off to find yourself, usually in a foreign country, or even better, the country of your family’s origin. Then just don’t come back — success via self-deportation.
And the numero uno tip for new graduates is …
Don’t get hit by a bus. Your student insurance coverage ended on graduation day.
Elise Roedenbeck has a Masters in Fine Art and still works a day job.