(PNS reporting from NEW NEW YORK CITY) Attention, pochas y pochos! Interstellar starship captain and Mutants’ Rights advocate Turanga Leela is warning of serious side-effects from a popularly-priced hair care product you may be using at this very moment.
Leela thinks her late mother Munda’s use of Aqua Net hairspray is the reason she’s a loveless mutant with only one eye, and says the ingredient cyclopentasiloxane is the culprit.
“I mean the name STARTS with cyclop, how did people miss that?” she asked a press conference in New New York City Sunday (photo, above.)
Aqua Net hairspray is a must-carry purse item for every well-prepared pocha, according to a recent survey, and is used as a “bug spray, deodorant and a…substitute for glue.”
Cyclopentasiloxane is a one-eyed artificially-synthesized silicone-based molecule that makes hair shiny.
“This is not good news,” Facebook member Lil Rata (bathroom phonecam self-portrait photo, left) posted on her Facebook page when she learned of the potential danger.
“I guess it’s the high-priced head from now on.”
“You’re kidding me right?” said Cindi “Bad Sign” Perdida, who heard the news at a picnic with her boyfriend Ramon Sunday (photo, right).
“Aqua Net? I’ll cut you if you’re kidding me!”
Punk rocker Gabriel “Metal Muerto” Tumadre (photo, left) said he “could care less. Life is short, ese, you rock and then you die. Or you die and then you rock. It’s all about the YOLO and shit.”
Aqua Net spokesman Russell Jimmies was not concerned. “We don’t believe this space cadet and her so-called research for a minute,” he told PNS in an email. “Who needs these purple-haired freaks anyhow? Where is she from – Kenya? Remember, God created Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! Stupid morans!”
Lornamead manufactures Aqua Net.
We don’t know the origin of this old illustration. Do you? We like it though.
Little Rata photo by Pretty Poo Eater. Cindi photo by Neal Patel. Punk guy photo by Senor Codo.