A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you.
MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12
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ENTER ON WHITE HORSE
(because Rafalca will trip)
(NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste)
(REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, don't block the expensive background set)
AJUUUUUUA!
HELLO, TAMPAX!
No one has ever asked me for my birth certificate, because that's not what you ask rich white dudes.
Big shout out to Stripper Sarah Palin, see you at the afterparty tonight.
Thank you to all the espeakers, especially my vieja Annn Romney. She really loves you women. And she loves to Unzip The Mitt!
POLLO RYAN. Pinche Eddie Munster rules! The viejitas fear him, but he promises eternal life, just let him bite your Medicare.
CHRIS CRISPY IS THE ONLY HOMBRE I KNOW WHO DEEP FRIES HIS NAILS BEFORE HE CHEWS ON THEM.
My pinche morenaza CONDOMINIA RICE. I hope no one threw peanuts at you, mija.
JEB BUSH, or as I sometimes call him, YEB.
He is practically my only Latino supporter, him and that Puerto Rican lady who got yelled at. And she can't even vote for me, SHE'S FROM PUERTO RICO! Enjoy your papaya.
He's the papi of "The Little Brown Ones." I also like to call JEB BUSH "The Big Beige One." Too bad you got that last name, amigo.
I ACCEPT THE PINCHE NOMINATION OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY TO BE THE FIRST LATINO PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED ESTATES!
PEOPLES ask me what am I gonna do when I become EL JEFE of the UNITED ESTATES. Will I appoint Latinos to my cabinet when I am crowned Presidente?
Of course! It's my turn. I can do whatever the hells I want. I will take care of my Latinos. I will appoint them to CLEANING MY CABINETS WITH LEMON PLEDGE.
YUST KEEDING, I WOULD APPOINT A LATINO AS SECRETARY OF WHITE HOUSE LAWN CARE.
I will create a Department of Self-Deportation, and take the money we save from border enforcement and give me more tax cuts.
I will bury Sarah Palin in a hole far, far North in the pinche tundra.
I will cut every single program that helps the pobres and give those moneys to myself and all my friends and donors. Hey, at least I'm honest, not like that "YOU DIDN'T BUILD THAT" guy.
I will stop the black camerawoman from CNN from voting, also all the non-Herman Cain blacks.
I will give free haircuts to all Nancyboys.
We will bomb Iran. Then we will REBUILD IT.
I will create a Department of Never Talking About Todd Akin's Legitimate Rape Theories.
MORE TAX CUTS.
Remember, like my vieja Ann said, I WEAR 3-PACK SHIRTS FROM COSTCO.
MORE TAX CUTS.
I AM A YOB CREATOR!
SHINING RANCHO ON A HILL!
AMERICAN MEXCEPTIONALISM!
HOLOGRAM REAGAN!
I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING
I AM THE BEST JUAN FOR THE JOB
I AM THE JUAN PERCENT
May my Mormon Space Jesus bless the United Estates of America!
Gracias! See you at Cheetah's!
(cue music video)
Mount Rainier photograph by Michael Russell Photography