(PNS reporting from CYBER ESPACE) Like virtual huitlacoche growing on a diseased ear of GOP political corn, an avatar of candidate Mitt Romney emerged on Twitter Wednesday, a digital fungus thriving on the stinking mess of Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.
Using the handle @MexicanMitt, the campaign’s online Hispanic personality exalts Romney as a canny opportunist, occasionally-job-killing corporate turnaround guru and proud-to-be-loaded capitalist examplar. MexicanMitt now has 1,100 followers.
Pocho Ñews Service interviewed @MexicanMitt via email:
PNS: You seem to love enforcing immigration policies. How many of your own Mexican family members have you deported?
MexicanMitt: I keep deporting them back after they finish working for me selling oranges. So I don’t think of it as deporting them, more like firing them
PNS: Did you send your children to Spain or Costa Rica to learn Spanish?
MM: I sent my hijos to be missionaries to all the backward countries where they espeak espanish, like Los Angeles and El Paso.
PNS: If elected president, how would you top President Obama’s deportation record?
MM: This thing is in the bag for me, so I am already planning to top that socialista’s record by also deporting people with limited English skills, like Rick Perry and Sarah Palin.
PNS: How many more fences along the border do we need in your opinion?
MM: I will buy WalMart and convert it to a BorderwallMart, that way we can protect our borders, and make money at the same time. And I can fire more people! ¡Ajúa!
PNS: What are Latinos good for, just gardening, or also running the state of Michigan like your dad?
MM: I enjoy the Mexican way of life, lots of good food, beautiful ladies, glittery mariachi pants. They don’t call it MITTchoacan for nothing! Mexicans make excellent naranja sellers, except for my dumb primos!
PNS: Why did you decide to join Twitter in the middle of your campaign? What pushed you to come out as a Mexican?
MM: Mira, peoples were saying I was so boring, so I decided to let everyone know I was born this guey! Since Herman Cain, who barely spoke Cuban, left the campaign to touch the ladies, I decided I’d better espice things up! And Twitter is the perfect way to reach out and touch the ladies without getting sued.
PNS: Are you friends with Republican New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, AKA @ElBloombito?
MM: Si, nosotros los riches we stick together. Next week we are going to go play polo, eat pollos and fight gallos!
PNS: Why are you a Republican? And do you know noted self-deportationist Daniel D. Portado?
MM: I am a Republican because I believe in freedom and liberty and raping a company and firing all the peoples that work for it, and taking the pesos for myself. Daniel D. Portado, he is going to work for me as my Hispanic Outreach Campaign Manager, for cheap, as he is a mojado.
PNS: If you could tell every Latino in the country one thing what would it be?
MM: You poor people are simply YEALOUS of my REECHES!
PNS: What are your plans for 2012?
MM: To win before the Mayans ruin everything…AGAIN.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.