(PNS reporting from OTTAWA) A recent study from the Canadian Undocumented Labor Office here (CULO) reveals more and more undocumented immigrants are bypassing Los United Estates, preferring to seek a better life in Canadia.
Analysts say this could have major consequences for the U.S. economy, agriculture, Republican scapegoating and the sales of leaf blowers.
A TIME magazine story will examine this trend next month, heralding the creation of a new country called “MEXICANADA.” A rough draft of the story was provided by a inside source to PNS.
“Undocumented immigrants are discovering that America is not really the land of the free it was cracked up to be, and they’re having second thoughts,” Monty Real, a CULO researcher, told TIME. “When they get to Canadia, on the other hand, they find a country that has socialized medicine, a better track record on bilingual education, labor and the environment. And most importantly, the police there won’t kill you.”
As major agribusiness corporations shipped cheap labor further and further north into the U.S. heartland, it was only a matter of time before Mexicans discovered the country that has often been referred to as “NAFTA’s silent partner.”
“When you’re working in horrible conditions on a corporate super-hogfarm in Detroit where everybody’s getting tuberculosis due to the deplorable living situation, you inevitably yearn for a better life,” said Real. “Today’s mojados are finding that the American dream is really in Canadia. And let’s face it, crossing borders is in their blood. You put a border in front of a Mexican, and sooner or later he’s gonna cross it.”
Evidence of the new MEXICANADA culture is already becoming evident. On television, the morning talk show ¿Que Onda, Quebec? is the top program in the country for the 5 AM time slot, beating out long-time favorite Frere Jacques and Friends. And Canadian radio waves are bouncing with hits by groups like Los Mero Meros de Manitoba and Los Tigres del Great White Norte.
Tigres lead singer Leonard Cojon told PNS Canadian culture is more suited to their Mexican musical stylings:
Canadians and Mexicans have a lot in common. We sing about family, ranches, freedom, friendship and a fear of U.S. cultural imperialism. Canadians can relate to that. Add a song about logging, and what’s not to like?
In Mexico, the Canadian cultural exchange rate is also high. Now that family members are sending Canadian currency home, Queen Elizabeth II has replaced Maximilian and the Carlos V candy bar as the most recognized monarch in Mexico.
“When children of immigrants return to Mexico from the U.S., they often bring graffitti and gangsta rap with them,” said Real. “When they come back from Canada, they bring street hockey, they go hiking and they sing romantic French songs. This is the best thing to hit Canadian/Mexican cultural relations since Cheech and Chong!”
But there are some who do not see the infusion of Mexican workers into Canada as a positive trend.
“It is a potential disaster,” said Tex Ploiter, who served as a spokesman for GOP nominee wannabe Rick Santorum. ”Every Republican in office owes his career to undocumented immigrants. Without the illegal alien invasion scare, our platform would be devalued like a peso in the Carlos Salinas de Gortari administration. Off the record, this trend has Republicans scared. We want our wets back.”
Republicans in Congress are scrambling for a way to halt the mass mojado exodus.
“We met with representatives from the International Brotherhood of Mojados and discussed options,” said Ploiter. “We offered incentive programs like an ICE catch-and-release policy and a new “bracero” program. We even offered to pay the workers from the old bracero program. But the mojados wanted better wages and working conditions. That was out of the question.”
The situation has reportedly gotten so serious that Republican relic Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) has revived his old war cry of “54-40 or Fight!”
Canadian legislators are not so concerned, however, and are in fact welcoming the influx of Mexican workers. Air Canadia has begun daily Tijuana to Toronto flights, and reports show that Canadian tomatoes are now 25% larger thanks to Mexican laborers. And if that weren’t enough, it is projected that within a year, salsa will outsell maple syrup.
Mexico’s Carlos Slim, the wealthiest man in the world and heir to the Virginia Slims fortune, has offered to single-handedly finance an Immigration Superhighway on which migrants could travel without ever touching U.S. soil.
The MEXICANADA phenomenon has great potential benefit for Mexicans and Canadians alike.
“You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten a hot dog wrapped in Canadian bacon,” according to Real.
But perhaps the greatest benefit of the new northern migration is simply the fact that, as one recent Canadian tourism brochure pointed out:
No one has ever died crossing into Canadia.
Photo by Payan.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.