(PNS reporting from TEJAS) In a bizarre bid for the GOP VP slot, Texas Gov. Rick Perry burned the small Texas town of Welfare to the ground Sunday and marched its 36 residents into forced labor in the posh homes north of San Antonio.
“This is what I will do to welfare if I am elected as Vice President,” a confident, tanned and teeth-whitened Perry told reporters from his horse-high perch beside the smoldering embers of Welfare’s only bus stop (photo, left.)
Most residents of this sleepy Kendall County community were, predictably, asleep when presidential nopeful Perry’s pre-dawn raid commenced and his elite force consisting of two Texas Highway Patrol cars began their regime of terror and devastation.
“First, they drove up Main Street and turned left onto First, where they set fire to half the town,” recounted stunned Welfare Mayor and Postmaster Frederick Fender. “Then they did a K-turn and came down First in the other direction to destroy the other half. It was the worst five minutes of my life!”
In a few devastating minutes, witnesses say Rick Perry’s Tony Lama-booted thugs wiped a small community that was barely on the map, off of the map altogether. Gone are the monthly Texas Welfare Festival, the Welfare Museum and the hope that one day a Dairy Queen would open there.
Residents of the community known for one or two miles around as “the town with no slogan” braced for a new life of low-paying service jobs in strange and unfamiliar lands just a few exits away.
“Yesterday, I was a manager at the Wells Fargo down the road. Now I’ve been told I will be doing landscaping. I don’t understand this at all. I’m not even Mexican,” said third-generation Welfare resident Al Amo.
Perry’s confusing and seemingly pointless display of economic devastation, which pundits have called “Oops-krieg,” has been honed to a science during his 11 years as governor.
Santorum in high school
As bleary and shocked residents were paraded out of town, Perry waved from his horsie and cheerily shouted, “I’m Rick Perry, and I approve of this message.”
This troubling act came on the heels of Perry’s well-oiled bid for the White House ending with a whimper when he announced he was pulling out after results showed him placed firmly behind candidate Rick Santorum (photo, right) in a Clemson University poll.
Nevertheless, insiders feel Perry will stop at nothing to be selected as the “Hair Apparent” to the Vice Presidency.
Rumors that other Republican presidential candidates will try to upstage Perry’s stunt have residents of Affirmative Action, WY and Women’s Lib, NC on high alert.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of the Pocho Corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.
Rick Perry cartoon by DonkeyHotey. Santorum photo courtesy Democratic Underground.
