advice


Alex Koll pulls back the curtain on his dad’s tormented history, his violent career and his tragic end: The life and death of a Piñatador.

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Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.

We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.

What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?

Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.

Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]

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Are you a newly-graduated pocho preparing to take your first baby steps out into the so-called “real world?” We’ve got tips for you!

8. Unsure about your next move? Do you need a movement or idea to get behind? Start an Occupy College movement on your campus! You may have graduated, but this will ensure you never have to leave (or shower.)

7. Remember how much you drank your first week of school? Drink twice that amount! As silly as sobriety may seem at the moment, it has absolutely no purpose in the real world, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Note that outside of college this is generally referred to as “alcoholism.”

6. To save money, move in with some people who actually had a chance at the American Dream — your parents. You’ll be so busy driving your abuelita around town, you won’t notice the economy sucks. [Mas…]

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Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.

Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted

Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.

Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different. [Mas…]

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Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

by Dear Abuelita May 16, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in [...]

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Special Mother’s Day tips from Danny Trejo (video)

by La Pocha May 13, 2012 Cultura
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Machete star Danny Trejo shares some useful life lessons he learned from his mom, who joins him in this video.

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Dear Abuelita: Foreskin and seven years ago, I’ve got man boobs

by Dear Abuelita May 9, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha. Signed, Extra Carne Dear Extra Carne Carnal, Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun [...]

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Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

by Dear Abuelita May 2, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants? Titi Caca Dear Titi Caca, Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As [...]

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Dear Abuelita: No Baby Daddy in sight and I’m running out of eggs

by Dear Abuelita April 25, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, I’m a responsible woman closing in on 40 and I want a baby. Currently, there are no Baby Daddy prospects in sight and I don’t think I can wait much longer for one. Should I have a little mocoso on my own and if I do, will any man ever be interested in [...]

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Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

by Dear Abuelita April 18, 2012 Cultura
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Dear Abuelita, For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man [...]

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