dear abuelita

Dear Abuelita:
Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty.
Signed, El Pocho

Dear Beach Bothered Bingo,
So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with their nalgas pa fuera (like the sucia gabachas) in order to feel proud of her beauty. Who says they’re not proud?

Mexican (pocha) chicas in cutoff jeans and the playa go together like the homies in cholo chorts and tube socks kicking it on the sand. Are you going to ask those vatos why they don’t wear Speedos? Déjalo, leave them alone. Just worry about the sand in your own crack and go watch another rerun of Baywatch.
Love, Abuelita [Mas…]

It was the best of ñewsweeks, it was the worst of ñewsweeks. It was a week of wisdom, it was a week of foolishness.

  • The Best: On HBO, George Lopez told Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio WTF he really thinks of him and the offended officer challenged the comic to a face-to-face discussion of the issues.
  • The Worst: The Aurora shooting raised a bat signal for gun control.

We’ve got the uncensored Lopez/Arpaio videos, the Lalo Alcaraz ‘Dark Knight’ cartoon that went viral and Comic-Con photos you won’t see anywhere else.

But wait, there’s more! [Mas…]

GOP wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney tried his very best to appeal to the Colored People at their National Association’s annual convention; we’ve got the transcript.

And son Craig Romney tried his very best to appeal to Latinos in a Spanish-language ad for his dad. We translated the commercial for the Ingles-espeaking masses.

The publishing world looks to appeal to the hot and fiery soft-porn-loving Latina book-buying public with the upcoming Fifty Shades of Brown.  Can Big Books, Inc. tie up the mujeres’ market?

These big POCHO stories topped the exciting reportage roster that broke the ñews this week and here are the links: [Mas…]

Big boobs were busting out all over and they made for the biggest story this week on POCHO. Salma — k chi-chis!

Next in the sexy web stats hit parade was the super-popular photo caption contest featuring the controversial American Apparel “ranchero” ad. You guys are funny!

And then there was Dear Abuelita’s advice for big, beautiful women, Al Madrigal on Latino unemployment and a startling fashion feature about the kids in Monterrey and and and…many more.

Cliquear the links: [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.

Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted

Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.

Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different. [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in eight months and then under home detention so these girls know I can’t run around on them. What am I doing wrong?
Signed, 098765433456789

Dear 098765433456789,
Obviously you haven’t heard of FirmeHynas.com because that site is filled with locas who love jailbirds. You’ve got better odds finding a mate on this dating site than you have coming out of the pinta with you sphincter intact.

Those homegirls are desperate for love and will beat down their own daughter or mother for a man. You want true love – they’ll give you their undivided devotion con dedications on the radio even. [Mas…]

“If the chancla flies, your mom is wise,” noted defense attorney Juan E. Cocran told the court, and we’ve got video to prove it.

The epic flying chanclas video topped the list of big estories on POCHO this week, but only just squeezed out the Mexclusive guest editorial by GOP nominee wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney, the latest chapter in the existential quest of Chuy and Smiley in Hey Vato! and very intimate advice from Dear Abuelita.

Here are the links: [Mas…]

Dear Abuelita,
I have still my cuero (foreskin) and I was wondering if I get circumcised will I feel better when I am inside a choncho or will I be wasting my ficha.
Signed, Extra Carne

Dear Extra Carne Carnal,
Some people dislike extra carnita on their flauta but a little foreskin can be fun during foreplay. I can’t tell you how many times I played peek-a-boo with uncut pee-pees. Now you see it – now you don’t. Now you see it – oh, the laughs we had. [Mas…]

Ñewsweek: Karma 90210, Colombian high, Abuelita licks frog problem

by Comic Saenz April 22, 2012 El Now
Thumbnail image for Ñewsweek: Karma 90210, Colombian high, Abuelita licks frog problem

Karma or koincidence? POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz spoke to a digital media industry panel at the Taberna Mexicana in Beverly Hills in February After the panel, a lady outside the restaurant profiled Lalo as the valet parking guy and wanted him to retrieve her vehicle Taberna Mexicana suddenly closed last week We’ve got Lalo’s Big […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

by Dear Abuelita April 11, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: I howl like a dog in my sleep – could I be horny?

Dear Abuelita, Early this morning while I was sleeping I thought my Jack-Chi dog Chacho was howling from his chair in the living room. (He enjoys the wing-backed chair with the mauve chenille cushion.) I called out for him to come to me. My roommate (my ex who is still legally my husband) came into […]

[Mas…]

Ñewsweek: Tucson school board’s exercise in ignorance and hate

by MIGUEL GUALES April 8, 2012 El Now
Thumbnail image for Ñewsweek: Tucson school board’s exercise in ignorance and hate

POCHO Migrant Editor Al Madrigal (he commutes coast-to-coast so he can work nights as Senior Latino Correspondent for The Daily Show) went to Tucson AZ to find out why students there aren’t allowed to take classes in Mexican-American history. Cameras running, Al interviewed a school board official who was apparently high on ignorance, stupidity and hate. […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

by Dear Abuelita April 4, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: I’m 48 and I love this guy but I think I scared him off

Querida Abuelita, I’m a 48-year-old hot-blooded Latina and pienso que I’ve finally fallen in love por la ultima vez as in I WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN! Problem is quizas I have scared him away after he hit his nerdy cabeza falling so hard for me, too. How do I hook the love of my […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

by Dear Abuelita March 28, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Is my girlfriend really a virgin? And why no sex now?

Dear Abuelita: I am a 20-year-old Latino man. My girlfriend will not have sex with me until we get married and she insists she’s a virgin. I’m not sure she’s telling the truth. Is there any way to tell if she’s a virgin or not? Crazy with Celibacy Dear Crazy with Celibacy: Ever hear of “something […]

[Mas…]