Slate’s infographic mapping magic illustrates what we knew already — across most of the United Estates, Spanish is almost always the most commonly-spoken language besides English.

But after English and Spanish, what’s Numero Tres? Here in California, it’s Tagalog, first language of a quarter of all Filipinos and the second language of most. Pinoys, ruled by both Spain and the U.S., are the honorary (?) Latinos of Asia.

Tagalog? If you’ve got cooties, or play with a yo-yo, or live in the boondocks, you’re speaking Tagalog.

There are also unexpected results in Texas and Florida and New York and Illinois and…. Here’s the spoken language third place map: [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Mexican researchers are baffled by the discovery of a lost tribe of Frenchmen living in an artfully-decorated cave in the foothills of Mt. Popocatépetl in the state of Puebla.

The Frenchmen, found by a group of hikers, are believed to be descended from a military patrol that went missing in 1862, during the French occupation of Mexico.

The cave was discovered when the hikers followed the distinct smell of espresso to its entrance.  Upon entering, they found the walls painted with scenes of picnics and absinthe drinkers and the floors littered with empty bottles of the hallucinatory liqueur.

Through the process of cabron-dating, which involves reading the label on the bottle, it was confirmed the absinthe was from the Napoleonic Era. [Mas…]

Self-consciously cool French dudes sure love their iPads, but sometimes, as the mademoiselles know, one must squeeze Le Charmin, or Le Trefle, as they say in France. D’accord, Monsieur Whipple? Or do we have to mansplain it to you?

Since we’ve established that Americans and Canuckians eat burritos in outer espace, we asked our French astronaut friends what was cooking. “It’s a small plate for a man,” they replied. “Blanquette de veau.” [Video by Corentin Charron.]

The French have contributed a great deal to pocho culture, including some choice palabras. We got a few of them together for your review:

8. Mamón You might think it means “asshole,” but in French it sounds like “mother.” Don’t be a douche.

7. Chingadeaux It sounds fancy when you spell it in French, but in Spanish it’s an expletive.

6. Le Cuchí In French it means “smart woman.” [Mas…]

Your favorite tia, Tia Lencha, makes margaritas and offers a side order of history lessons in this special Cinco de Mayo video, her first. Tia is assisted by her son, Mysterious E.

There’s more Tia Lencha below: [Mas…]

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) New Hampshire is the small Yanqui state where Republicans vote today in a primary election. When tonight’s results come in, remember where they’re coming from – a jurisdiction where people live a lie, talk in a dialect devoid in rhoticity and don’t go to church like other Americans!

These are the secrets of the Granite State: