gingrich

AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.

But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.) [Mas…]

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8. Republican Party is trying to get IUDs reclassified as WMDs

7. Rick Perry is blasting Susan G. Komen for the Cure for “not being man enough” when caving in during Planned Parenthood flap

6. Rush Limbaugh plans to lose more sponsors over “slut” remark [Mas…]

When former Spanish-Speaker of the House Newt “Moon Unit” Gingrich announced Spanish was the loving-language of the ghetto, people thought he was a madman. Others were not sure if he meant the American ghetto or the Warsaw Ghetto.

Now, thanks to super-secret domestic surveillance footage released via a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request, Gingrich offers this video as conclusive proof that Spanish is, in fact…the language of the ghetto.  But why did it have to be Castilian?

With more than a dozen states and 437 delegates in play, Super Tuesday is the biggest contest of the GOP primaries since Newt Gingrich challenged Mexican Mitt Romney to a wife-off.

Mexican Mitt Romney vows to sweep today’s Super Taco Tuesday Republican presidential contest. “I will win not only the whole enchilada, but the additional taco, the rice and beans, plus the salad,” he told a rally. “And the corn or flour tortillas.”

“I am going to herd all the voters to vote for me like a herd of my chivos on my ranch. In other words, I will make sure you are herd. Herded. Whatevers! Ajua!” [Mas…]

[If you liked the video, you can now own the song. Get it on iTunes ahora! 
Mexican Mitt's  "(I Wanna Be) The First Latino President" ]

After sweeping both Arizona and Michigan –– he says it’s because the gringos won’t do it -– a certain South-of-the-Border candidate is clearing his way to “paint the White House brown!” The affable and mariachi-like Mexi-Mormon is a tough campaigner, and says he is “in it to guin it.” Mexican Mitt Romney, the Most Mexican Man in the World, wants to be the first Latino President. This is his story — in song.

[Mas…]

Traders at the NYSE

(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) The spectacle of enthusiastic GOP voters choosing one pinche pendejo or the other in the Florida primaries sent the widely-watched RIF index lower Tuesday, as investors acted on fears that ignorance was the new black.

The Reading Is Fundamental index tracks firms like academic textbook publishers, for-profit educators and sliderule manufacturers.

The RIF index, which reached its highest level (3,141,592) immediately after the election of then Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) in November 2008, sunk to a new low of √-1 in after-hours trading. [Mas…]

Is a GOP unity platform in the cards?

by Comic Saenz January 31, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Even as Republican primary voters in the Sunshine State head to the polls, rumors coming out of the Romney and Gingrich campaigns hint at a startling new development. Mindful of the tremendous credibility issues raised by the vicious negative ads driving the contest, the candidates may bury the hatchet and […]

[Mas…]

Moonbase issue casts shadow on final GOP debate

by Lalo Alcaraz January 30, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) The moon was high on the debate agenda last night as Gov. Mitt Romney and former Rep. Newt Gingrich crossed lightsabers with both candidates fighting hard to capture the crucial lunar vote. The encounter, held at Farpoint Station Laser Tag in Orlando, was the 79th GOP debate and the last […]

[Mas…]

Week of Ñews: AZ showdown, FLA follies, CT jerk, MX mischief

by Comic Saenz January 29, 2012 El Now
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President Barack Obama flew into Arizona and was greeted on the tarmac by a nasty Gov. Jan Brewer; POCHO has the audio. In political news, Herman Cain backed Newt Gingrich in the GOP nomination race and released a new poster, while Newt’s peeps supplied a subtitled version of his Spanish-language TV commercial. Jerkiosity spread to […]

[Mas…]

BREAKING: Cain backs Gingrich, releases campaign poster

by Lucida Grandé January 28, 2012 El Now
Thumbnail image for BREAKING: Cain backs Gingrich, releases campaign poster

(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an apparent play for the VP nod, former gangster pizza mogul and serial groper Herman Cain has endorsed former Freaker of the Spouse Newt Gingrich in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Enthusiastic Cain aides leaked this prototype of their dream ticket campaign poster. Earlier this week, the […]

[Mas…]

Christians ditch Gingrich after he fails WWJD test

by Victor Payan January 25, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Despite winning South Carolina Republicans over like a 2007 Miss Teen U.S.A. contestant, Newt Gingrich has lost the support of some conservative Christian organizations for failing the “what would Jesus do” test. “Gingrich may look like a white Christian male, and he may walk like one, but he certainly doesn’t quack […]

[Mas…]

Breaking Ñews: @MexicanMitt releases first campaign poster

by Bronco del Camino January 24, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from NEAR THE BORDER) Campaign aides at Gov. Mitt Romney’s headquarters at a palatial goat rancho here have just released the candidate’s first campaign poster. Romney released his first English-subtitled Spanish-language commercial last week. “The Most Mexican Man In The World,” @MexicanMitt is  pictured enjoying the glamorous lifestyle of a “Baindido” of the […]

[Mas…]

Hispanic labor federation backs Romney nomination

by Comic Saenz January 17, 2012 El Now

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) The Latino Labor Association and Limpiadores Alliance today announced they are backing former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney in advance of Saturday’s South Carolina GOP primary vote. LALALA president Ed “Big Tiny” Calvados said Romney offers the best hope for Hispanics to achieve the American dream of fame, fortune and greed. “The […]

[Mas…]

Forget Romney – Gingrich tops PNS ¿Quien Es Mas Loco? poll

by Victor Payan January 11, 2012 El Now
Thumbnail image for Forget Romney – Gingrich tops PNS ¿Quien Es Mas Loco? poll

(PNS reporting from NEW ENGLAND) While former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) led the pack in Tuesday’s New Hampshire GOP primary, it was former House speaker Newt Gingrich who emerged as the solid leader in the first PNS Presidential Race War ¿Quien es Mas Loco? poll. Gingrich’s “Contract on America,” his conversion to Catholicism and his […]

[Mas…]

Traditional GOP caucus ritual marks Iowanian New Year

by Barney Asada January 3, 2012 Cultura
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(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND, USA) Thousands of Iowanians are fighting their way across the wind-blown plains today to perform the traditional Republican caucus ritual.  Sioux City City College PoliSci Professor Rico Alvarado explains the Ceremony of the Caucus this way: First, the gabachos make a 4WD posada to the high school gym for the ritual […]

[Mas…]