grandmother


When this Mexican abuelita gets to beatboxing, no one is safe!

{ 0 comments }


WTF? It’s an old answering machine — a gift from Mom — with a disturbing voicemail message from Abuelita. What to do? [NSFW adult language en Espanish.]

{ 0 comments }


Face it, pochos. You don’t get to be an abuelita unless you know how to dance for a fella!

{ 0 comments }

(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Spanish art-restoring abuelita Cecilia Gimenez has decided to visit La Basilica here, which houses the famed image of La Virgen de Guadalupe.

The fading portrait miraculously appeared on Aztec Indian Juan Diego’s robe 500 years ago.

The image needed some touching up, said Gimenez, who waited until the Basilica closed and somehow pried open the sealed display case and did a quick restoration.

“It looks so much better now,” said Gimenez from the Mexico City jail, adding, “I just don’t know why Jesus would appear to some Indio dressed like a woman.”

Upon seeing the restoration, the Mexican government quickly awarded Gimenez the Aztec Order of the Eagle medal.

Full image here: [Mas…]

{ 1 comment }

Dear Abuelita,
My question is simple: Should I dye my hair black? I am starting to get white hairs and a streak in the front. My original color is black. I’m 49 so it is not premature. It just seems everyone does it until age 60 or 70, like an old lady’s right of passage, and one old aunt even said I better do it quick before my fiance decides not to marry me!
Socorro, Socorro! Mis pelos estan cambiando plata

Dear Mix ‘n’ Match Carpet and Drapes,
It’s preguntas like this that make me want to pull the white pelos off your cabeza with my bare hands. What’s wrong with white hair? George Washington didn’t dye his hair and Martha married him anyway. Any fiance who would dump you over a few canas isn’t worth your time.

I don’t care if you’re already beyond your years as a catch. I hope you’re not planning on wearing white for your wedding. Sin verguenza! But, if you must dye your hair, just remember to dye your carpet the same color.
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

Dear Abuelita,
How can I know if my GF has no boyfriend other than me?
Signed, To be honest

Dear To Be or Not To Be,
What kind of pregunta is this, do you think I’m a Magic 8 Ball? I may not be able to give the answer but I can give you a few tips to find out for yourself.

You can volunteer to do her laundry and then do a scratch-and-sniff with her calzones to see if you detect the aroma of another vato. If that doesn’t work then you can buy a wig and fake bigote then get a rental car and do a sancho stakeout in front of her place. [Mas…]

{ 0 comments }

Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

by Dear Abuelita August 15, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Love cab for fatty, pee-pee pequeño, pochas in jorts

Dear Abuelita: Why do Mexicans/pochas always wear cutoff jeans to the playa? It bothers me that we have some of the most beautiful women in our raza that they are not proud of their beauty. Signed, El Pocho Dear Beach Bothered Bingo, So, according to you, Mexicans (pochas) need to walk around the beach with […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

by Dear Abuelita August 8, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Sporting man, subway kind of love, these kids today

Dear Abuelita, The fourth race at Hollywood Park Friday night (mares and fillies, 5 1/2 furlongs, three-year-olds and up) appears very competitive to me, but analysis indicates I should look closely at #7 La Sancha, with 117-pound jockey V. Espinoza holding the reins. Some handicappers maintain that the predicted hot weather points to #5 Onyx […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

by Dear Abuelita August 1, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: WiFi bath salts, leave it to Beaver, going down

Hey Old Lady! Oh they think they are so friggin clever but I know what they are up to listening to me through my wifi and microwave well i have nothing to hide so neener neener Mr. and Ms. Big Brother politically correct death panel. YOU WAN TO TAKE MY GUNNAWAY WELL HELL NO WE […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

by Dear Abuelita July 25, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Toad in a hole, wolf at the door, hitting the G-spot

Dear Abeulita: Hi, I am sorry for this message because it may get to you as surprise but it’s because of the situation of things right now. I want use this opportunity to explain my problem. I was here in London on vacation with my family but yesterday thing changed because i was mugged at […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

by Dear Abuelita July 18, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Wife and lover, my ring-a-ding, trouble at the zoo

Dear Abuelita: Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

by Dear Abuelita July 11, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Busty rebozo, itchy nalgas, chilly chi-chis

Dear Abuelita, I’m a 43-year old married woman, but I think I fell in love with a 20-year old guy. I know he thinks of me as his mother and I have hinted my feelings for him but was rejected flat. Am I going through menopause? Midlife crisis? I can’t stop thinking about him and […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

by Dear Abuelita June 20, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Cholo scars, snoring horrors, mota bars

Yo, Abeuelita, sup? In my wayward youth I was a gangbanger and have the bullet wounds, knife scars and tats to prove it. But those days are over and I’m now a legally-employed husband and dad with two kids. The shorties are getting big enough to where they will soon begin to ask me questions […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

by Dear Abuelita June 13, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Maybe I’m doing it wrong, Chican@, burning bras

Dear Abuelita: I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful. We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

by Dear Abuelita May 23, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Obama or Romney? Flour or corn? Quinceaneras?

Dear Abuelita, What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act. Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries. Signed, Aye […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

by Dear Abuelita May 16, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Prisoner’s dilemma, flashback to the Summer of Love

Dear Abuelita, OK so I went to this internet dating site and filled out this long questionnaire about my inner feelings and wants and desires and what are my values and what is important to me and all that and still I get no replies from the chicas I email. I will be out in […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

by Dear Abuelita May 2, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Gay for a day, my 34C boobs, a career in modeling

Dear Abuelita, I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants? Titi Caca Dear Titi Caca, Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As […]

[Mas…]

Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

by Dear Abuelita April 18, 2012 Cultura
Thumbnail image for Dear Abuelita: Does my extensive toy frog collection scare off men?

Dear Abuelita, For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man […]

[Mas…]