Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.
We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.
What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?
Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.
Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]
I might be renting out a room this summer to a friend. She made a phone appointment with me and asked a list of questions about living in my place in Brooklyn. How far is it from Manhattan? What trains do you take? Do you have Internet? Can I use the kitchen? Then she asked about laundry.
“I heard you take your laundry on the bus!” she said like it was some sort of urban myth. I took one of those prolonged intakes of breath.
Laundry is complicated. [Mas…]
Are you familiar with Clorox Latino? Did you know Clorox Latino has an abuela?