mexican mitt

Hola Gueyes! This is my Live Tweet/State of the Union response chingadera. Will someone please get me a water, that bottle I’m looking at is right out of reach. CHINGAO!

MEXIPHONE CHECK, JUAN TU, JUAN TU

HIJOLE EL TWITTER IS ESLOW, IT’S MORE CLOGGED THAN THE TOILET AT EL TORITO

HEY OBAMA, STOP TOUCHING THE CROWD, YOU ARE NOT LL COOL J

THE ESTATE OF THE UNION ESTA CHINGADA

IT IS OUR YENERATION’S TASK TO IGNITE DORNER’S CABIN

FREE ENTERPRISE ISN’T FOR FREELOADERS [Mas…]

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@MexicanMitt Romney phoned public radio station KUNM in New Mexico Monday night for his first post-election interview. The Twitter Idol liberally assigned blame for his defeat by Bronco Bama, reminisced about the fireworks he planned to set off had he juan and revealed he’s still on the lookout for his missing running mate Pollo Ryan. Here’s the interview from the program RAICES.

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[EDITOR'S NOTE: @MexicanMitt Romney, the Twitter sensation, has graced us with the complete text of his concession speech upon losing to President Barack Obama. Enjoy this heart-wrenching espeech, gueyes.]

AJUA!

GREETINGS MY GUEYES!

I HAVE CALLED BLACK REAGAN AND CONCEDED THAT HE CHEATED BETTER THAN I DID. SHOUT OUT to his wife and her sister-wives.

I WANT TO THANK my running mate POLLO RYAN FOR NADA, NALGAS, EL ZILCHO.

We didn’t win his home estate of Wisconsin. He couldn’t even get us the Munsters vote, ESMALL AS THAT IS.

IF ANYONE knows where he has been for the last three weeks, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. [Mas…]

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Enjoy the ELECTION EVE WORLD PREMIERE of Mexican Mitt Romney‘s first animated music video! Share it with your friends!

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MY FINAL ESPEECH TO THE NATION BEFORE I RULE OVER IT

AJUA!

Viejas and Gentlemen, voters, suppressed voters, this is my final espeech to you before I win the election tomorrow for the Presidency of the United Estates. This is the most important Presidential election of your lifetime, if you were born this year.

I know, you are RELIEVED that this long national nightmare will be finally over. I, too, am sick of the ads, the constant campaigning, having to look at my running mate what’s-his-face, but especially I am sick of Bronco Bamma.

But enough about Black Reagan. Or the country. You all want to know how this affects ME, Mexican Mitt Romney. Campaigning is hard. It’s almost like a yob, which I have not held in a long time. Despite waking up in various strange hotels with Mormon wood every day, I still miss my 14 RANCHOS. (For the language-impaired, “rancho” is Spanish for “polygamous Mormon compound.”) [Mas…]

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I AM TANNED, RESTED AND READY. AND MORE TANNED.

AJUA! I have been preparing all night for my debate against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA. Tonight there will be A LOT OF JUAN ON JUAN MASTERDEBATING. I will right ALL THE LEFT-LEANING POLLS with my victory!

I will completely dominate, not LIKE A BOSS, but LIKE A CEO.  I want you to take a break from your MOOCHING and FREELOADING to watch me mop up the floor with Obama like I was one of ANN’s FEARFUL SERVANTS.

HERMAN CAIN did not work out as OBAMA DEBATE STAND-IN (all his answers were “NINE NINE NINE”) SO NOW I PRACTICE AGAINST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF URKEL. [Mas…]

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Wild! @MexicanMitt Romney and frat bros in music video: ‘Dinero’

by EDUARDO BURRO September 28, 2012 El Now
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In his freshman year at Stanford, @MexicanMitt Romney and his Kappa Lota Gelta fraternity brothers made a music video under the name Joe King Carrasco and the Crowns. In retrospect, Dinero seems prophetic, showing the future Bean Capitalist’s magic carpet knack for amassing large amounts of other people’s cash. (The future Mrs. Ann Romney is […]

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@MexicanMitt: Corrected subtitles for my Univision appearance

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY September 20, 2012 El Now
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Those vendidos at Univision‘s Espanish subtitling department are lying Cubanos and they hate Mexicans like me. That is the ONLY EXPLANATION I have for the way they translated my remarks for my Espanish-speaking friends. Here is what I really said: So-called transcript: But the truth is as you know my dad was born of American […]

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@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY September 7, 2012 El Now
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COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA. If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA! There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face. […]

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@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY September 6, 2012 El Now
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Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech. Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte. Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency.  But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS […]

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@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY September 5, 2012 El Now
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I was recovering from the Clint Eastwood Chair Incident, pretending to listen to some storm victims in who-knows-what-FOCKED-UP backwards-ass SOUTHERN STATE, and I was forced by my campaign adviser to watch the Democratic National Convention. TV COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION IS HILARIOUS, the camerapeoples have to constantly pan around to find THE ONE STRAIGHT […]

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Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

by Lalo Alcaraz August 30, 2012 El Now
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[Editor's Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He's running for office for Pete's sake!] Has the wildly popular and hilarious […]

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Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

by Pocho Ñews Service August 30, 2012 El Now
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A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you. MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12 ———— ENTER ON WHITE HORSE (because Rafalca will trip) (NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste) (REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, […]

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Ñewsweek: Mexican Mitt, NAACP, Craig Romney, ’50 Shades of Brown’

by Andalé Mono July 15, 2012 El Now
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GOP wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney tried his very best to appeal to the Colored People at their National Association’s annual convention; we’ve got the transcript. And son Craig Romney tried his very best to appeal to Latinos in a Spanish-language ad for his dad. We translated the commercial for the Ingles-espeaking masses. The publishing world […]

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Transcript: Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to the NAACP

by Lalo Alcaraz July 11, 2012 El Now
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Mexican Mitt Romney just spoke to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People convention in Houston, TX and we have the transcript: —BEGIN TRANSCRIPT— Thank you, NAACP for the invitation to espeak here, and Bishop Graves for your introduction. Thanks also to President Ben Jealous and your weird last name. Good mornings, black […]

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Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

by MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY May 30, 2012 El Now
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AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win […]

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Romney campaign tries to shake off Etch A Sketch remark

by Lalo Alcaraz March 23, 2012 Cartoons
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The Romney campaign is one built on strong policy principles, unless, of course, they need to change them to pander to primary voters. “Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes,” Romney campaign advisor Eric Fehrnstrom said Wednesday on CNN. “It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can […]

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CHONY 2012: Mexican Mitt’s new awareness campaign

by Lalo Alcaraz March 12, 2012 El Now
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Leading GOP presidential contender Mexican Mitt Romney has started a brand new awareness campaign that is sweeping the social media world: CHONY 2012. Mexican Mitt is trying to raise awareness about the whereabouts of his favorite pair of Magical Underpants, which he has named “Chony.” “Please help me find my favorite CHONYs,” said the wealthy […]

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