Dear Abuelita:
Is it possible to love two women at the same time? You see, I love my wive and I would do anything for her, but I also love my secret lover who inspires me in different ways that my wife does not. I make more love to my secret lover than to my wife. I think both of my loves complement my needs and I need both of them to be at peace.
Signed, Confused But Happy
Dear Con Fundio,
Don’t act like a tonto by saying you’d do anything for your wife. If you really meant it you would dump the hoochie coochie you have on the side and be a devoted husband. You’re so full of mierda, you need a lavativa not a lover.
Of course both your “loves” complement your needs. You’re a sin verguenza. Have you ever thought of the needs of your two women? How much are you offering them? I wouldn’t blame them if they had some one else on the side as well. Would serve you right.
Your pregunta is the biggest load of cacagada I’ve seen since my sancho plugged the toilet with one of his massive camotes.
Me da asco, cabron, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
What are you drinking? Is that “Chocolate Abuelita?” It looks different. Anyway…I heard that Mitt Romney really likes Hispanics. Do you think I should vote for him or should I vote for my Negrito again? At least I know that he supports the Dream Act.
Aayy! Abuelita, please ease my worries.
Signed, Aye Voted
Dear Nowhere Near Being PC,
I’m drinking my medicine. It helps me see things clearly and loosens up my middle finger – which I am raising at the screen this very moment.
Hispanics?! Where are you from that you use such offensive terminology? Negrito?! No one uses that word anymore, let alone use it in reference to the President. Not even the modern version of Loteria has El Negrito on the playing cards. Although, it’s still okay to name your perro Negrito, Blackie or Prieto. That’s different. [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
I wear a 34C bra. My boyfriend is always scoping out girls with bigger boobs. Should I get implants?
Titi Caca
Dear Titi Caca,
Here’s what you need to do: Tell your boyfriend to look in the mirror the next time he wants to see a big boob then dump the pendejo. As for you, make yourself an appointment for a self-esteem implant ASAP. That’s all I have to say. I don’t have time to figure out the root of your insecurities. There are more important things to focus on than your pea-sized mosquito bites.
Do you have any idea how much trouble big chi-chis are? Let me tell you, they can be a real pain in the ass! I mean it, I once flung mine over my shoulders so hard the damned things left bruises on my nalgas.
Love, Your Abuelita [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
I’m a responsible woman closing in on 40 and I want a baby. Currently, there are no Baby Daddy prospects in sight and I don’t think I can wait much longer for one. Should I have a little mocoso on my own and if I do, will any man ever be interested in me again?
Signed, Eggs-a-Wasting
Dear Eggs-a-Wasting,
Oh yeah, your little no daddy mocoso is going to have a real winner for a mother. It’s not even born and you’re already wondering if men will want your single mama self. It’s all about you, isn’t it? [Mas…]
Dear Abuelita,
For the last 20 years of my 30, I’ve been collecting toy frogs. My apartment is so full of frogs there is barely a place to sit down. I’ve never had a long-term boyfriend because I can never invite them over for fear they will freak out. How can I find a man that will love me, frogs and all?
Sincerely, Ribbit in Frog Town
Dear Rosie the Ribbiter,
Do you kiss your toy frogs in hopes of finding a prince? Insanity makes a person do funny things, tu sabes. This is unhealthy behavior, mija. The only man you’ll find this way is a wart-covered serial killer or a Beanie Baby collector – both equally dangerous. Time to clean house. Get rid of the girlie toys and make room for boys with adult toys. [Mas…]
