AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.
But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.) [Mas…]
(PNS reporting from POCHO RICO) Former senator and current GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum caused a furor on this island yesterday when he said English would have to be the “main language” for the Puerto Rican Commonwealth to ever become a state.
To be fair, when Santorum told a campaign rally crowd here in San Juan that Puerto Ricans should make English the official language, he didn’t think they could understand English at all. [Mas…]
With more than a dozen states and 437 delegates in play, Super Tuesday is the biggest contest of the GOP primaries since Newt Gingrich challenged Mexican Mitt Romney to a wife-off.
Mexican Mitt Romney vows to sweep today’s Super Taco Tuesday Republican presidential contest. “I will win not only the whole enchilada, but the additional taco, the rice and beans, plus the salad,” he told a rally. “And the corn or flour tortillas.”
“I am going to herd all the voters to vote for me like a herd of my chivos on my ranch. In other words, I will make sure you are herd. Herded. Whatevers! Ajua!” [Mas…]
After sweeping both Arizona and Michigan –– he says it’s because the gringos won’t do it -– a certain South-of-the-Border candidate is clearing his way to “paint the White House brown!” The affable and mariachi-like Mexi-Mormon is a tough campaigner, and says he is “in it to guin it.” Mexican Mitt Romney, the Most Mexican Man in the World, wants to be the first Latino President. This is his story — in song.
The Hate State of Arizona was the scene of three big stories this week:
GOP wannabe Mitt Rammane’s campaign pulled another boner as the campaign co-chair, immigrant-hating sheriff Paul Babeu, tried to explain his way out of allegations he threatened his Mexican immigrant boyfriend with deportation.
Babeu resigned from the campaign but not before Pocho Ñews Service scored a copy of his cancelled TV commercial endorsing Romney. Babeu’s endorsement noted Romney’s support for installing GAYDAR to protect the Arizona border from straight migrants, letting only attractive Gayliens cross over.
We already know mummy-like AZ Gov. Jan Brewer gets absolutely unraveled whenever she’s near Pres. Barack Obama. But why exactly did she decline to attend tomorrow’s Governor’s Dinner at the White House? Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Brewer did not accept the President’s invitation: 8- They could not guarantee her a seat next to [...]
(PNS reporting from HELL) GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is making no attempt to distance himself from his inflammatory 2008 remarks accusing Satan of “attacking America” but Satan responded Wednesday, claiming that Santorum is in for a “big surprise.” Pocho Ñews Service sent especial correspondent S. J. Rivera deep into Hades to interview the Prince of [...]
(PNS reporting from THE HEARTLAND) Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum swept the nominating contests in Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado Tuesday night, claiming, “My campaign is far from pooped out.” The fiercest gay-baiting candidate in recent history, Santorum now has four victories under his belt in the GOP race, more than any other closeted candidate. “People [...]
8. Anchor baby (noun) – Wait- this is an anti-Latino slur? FAIL. Seriously, this just makes us picture an infant so cute and fat we could use it for a boat anchor. Just chuck it in – kerPLOP! – you can drift and chug Coronas all afternoon. Do better, wingnuts. 7. Arpaio (proper noun) – Actually, we’d [...]
