sheriff joe

newchavez(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Cesar Chavez — noted American farm worker, labor leader and civil rights activist — is back from the dead and running for the congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor (D-AZ).

“I will do just about anything to win in Arizona’s heavily Hispanic 7th Congressional District,” Chavez said in a press release, “including rising from the grave if that’s what it takes.”

A Chavez spokesman said the newly-registered Democratic candidate (until recently a two-time Republican loser) had been “flooded with calls” and was no longer speaking to the press, but if he did decide to answer questions, he would not discuss how he came back from the dead or what the afterlife is like. [Mas…]

Behold, The Hectors©, bestowed for Excellence in Mockability.

The Hectors© are named for POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz’ cousin Hector (photo), who is excellent at ruining family gatherings, especially when he has downed his third 12-pack. He hasn’t seen a film since Blood In, Blood Out.

And the Hector© goes to:

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hispanicconvocation900

POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano (he's the ¡Ask A Mexican! guy and editor of the O.C. Weekly) delivered this keynote speech at Arizona State University's biannual Hispanic Convocation Wednesday. The photo (below) shows him at his day job.

Gracias, Arizona State, for asking me to be this year’s Hispanic Convocation keynote. I’m sure it’s a mercy offering to UCLA, after your Sun Devils demolished my Bruins this year in football. No hard feelings–hey, at least we both kicked the nalgas of USC this season, right?

When I announced that I was giving a speech here today, congratulations came from across the country. But also invading my inbox were the inevitable insults–not toward me, but toward the state of Arizona. “Don’t forget to take your papers!” was the most obvious dig. “Watch out for Sheriff Arpaio!” was another one–that one I took to heart, because he did have my former bosses at the New Times arrested a couple of years back. But the slams that I found especially egregious were those that insisted I shouldn’t bother coming to this so-called evil estado in the first place. [Mas…]

cucastopandfrisk

sheriffjoelong(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Now we know why child killer George Zimmerman was speeding through Texas with a gun in his vehicle — he was on his way to a new gig in Maricopa County, AZ.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio broke the news in a Tweet late Wednesday night: The sheriff has a new school patrol posse, and it includes Zimmerman, a failed cop wannabe.

Here’s a better picture of this new “sworn officer” (click to enlarge): [Mas…]

ocoverOf course we are sensitive to the complaints from Beantown (they’re beaners after all) about Rolling Stone’s decision to make controversial Caucasian-American Dzhokhar Tsarnaev their glamorous cover boy.

But as recovering ñewspeeps ourselves, we have to point out that the accused terrorist isn’t the first villain to make it to the cover of a slick zine:

  • Mass-murdering terrorist Osama bin Laden was featured on the cover of Time with nary a protest.
  • Pedophile-junkie Michael Jackson has been on every magazine cover everywhere and there are no crowds of moonwalkers with picket signs.
  • Few heads were turned when serial bankrupter and ignorant liar Donald J. Trump graced Modern Toupee (his issue was the second-biggest seller after the Sen. Rand Paul cover.)

And there was no outrage when Oprah Winfrey put these two masterdeporters on the cover of O magazine in March of 2012.

We have to confess, though. POCHO’s biggest dream is to get banned in Boston.

(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) It’s all over, folks. A lucky person — maybe you — has won the eBay auction for Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s sex sling.

The winning bid was $2,600. Arpaio will miss the sex toy, which he touted as “very used” and full of “memories.”

“We will have an announcement on my sling auction winner early next week…thanks to all who participated!” the Maricopa County lawman said on Twitter Friday afternoon:  [Mas…]

The news broke out of Phoenix late Friday, but to tell you the truth, we weren’t surprised. Judge G. Murray Snow of the United States District Court for Arizona officially declared the policing policies of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio unconstitutionally “racist.”

The New York Times summed up the decision this way:

… the sheriff relied on racial profiling and illegal detentions to target Latinos, using their ethnicity as the main basis for suspecting they were in the country illegally. Many of the people targeted were American citizens or legal residents.

It took us a while to read the entire ruling but we went through the whole thing and came up with eight additional findings about “America’s toughest sheriff”: [Mas…]

Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling

by Comic Saenz April 22, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO, CA) With defiant shouts of “Don’t Cauc me, bro!” and “Chechnya? I just metchnya!” dozens of Caucasian-Americans filled the corners of city parks and the edges of town squares across the Nation Sunday to protest what they call “illegal racial profiling” against Caucasians. The identification of two Caucasian-American suspects in […]

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Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

by Santino J. Rivera April 5, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from OUTER ESPACE) Let that long-held breath out, folks. The Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer has picked up a lot of mysterious antimatter in low Earth orbit recently – but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign of falling Mexi-matter, AKA “Space Mexicans” falling to Earth, according to NASA. In fact, even with the 400,000 pocho-particles […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

by EresNerd March 28, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) The media may question the newly-elected pontiff’s ethnicity, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio firmly believes that Pope Francis is Latino. “His real name is Jorge and he speaks Spanish. I’m damn sure he is a Latino; he’s probably a Mexican, ” Arpaio told the monthly breakfast meeting of the Sons of the Arizona […]

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PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe has fallen and he can’t get up

by Santino J. Rivera February 28, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has fallen and he can’t get up. The 80-year old remains in St. Joseph’s Hospital after falling and breaking his left shoulder on the way to lunch. Doctors say they can fix him up better than ever: Joe Arpaio, racist cop. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild […]

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Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard

by Especial Correspondents February 5, 2013 El Now
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Que lastima! Someone estole Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s identity and used his name to purchase groceries in Chicago. The Maricopa, AZ sheriff, unlike the pochodores here in the POCHO ñewsroom, was not amused. We have a lot of things we’d like to purchase with Sheriff Joe’s moneh, and here are the top eight: 8. Taco USA […]

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Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)

by Santino J. Rivera January 25, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal: Don’t fuck with them. According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a […]

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Ñewsweek: DREAMers dream, Arpaio hates, Hugo Chavez lives

by Comic Saenz January 6, 2013 El Now
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Hey, pochos, it’s 2013 and it looks like we’re in for more of the same old same old from our regular cast of characters! Thrill as  Sheriff Joe Arpaio returns in a Brand New Hate-Fest for the New Year! Hold on to your seats as Still-Not-Dead-Yet Commie Super-Hero Hugo Chavez returns to reprise two of […]

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Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang

by EresNerd January 4, 2013 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has begun Operation Rosca, a massive sweep designed to cripple the Tres Reyes smuggling cartel — the Three Kings. The cartel smuggles babies in bread and traffics in incense and precious metals, according to “America’s toughest sheriff.” Arapio became aware of the cartel, which “came from the […]

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers

by Santino J. Rivera December 31, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea. “America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student. According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he […]

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Top Pendejos of 2012: AZ’s Gov. Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio

by EDUARDO BURRO December 17, 2012 El Now
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We tried to pick just one Top Pendejo of 2012 but we ended up with two, both from the Hate State of Arizona: Gov. Jan Brewja and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The witchy woman has taken every opportunity to lie, defame, harass and impede President Obama, Mexican-American Arizonans, a woman’s right to choose, Dreamers’ […]

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Pocho Ocho Cyber Lunes gift tips are just a clika guey

by DON BARATO November 26, 2012 Cultura
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As long as the boss isn’t looking, today is the day when pochos all over America go holiday gift shopping on the Internets. If you’re not shopping at Lalo Alcaraz’s place, these Pocho Ocho gift tips (with links) will turn your Cyber Lunes from Mission Impossible to Cyber Espace Mission Accomplished: 8. Santa’s Helpers are […]

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Pocho Ocho ways to stay anxiety-free today

by AMBER GUESA November 6, 2012 El Now
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We know. It’s tough out there with the idiots and pendejos who are voting for the wrong person. What’s a pocho to do to keep from going totally postal before it’s all over (we hope) tonight? Here are the Pocho Ocho best ways to chillax: 8. Salma Hayek 7. Fifty Shades of Brown 6. Arpaio […]

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Pocho Ocho escariest Halloween costumes

by Especial Correspondents October 31, 2012 Cultura
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Your mileage may vary, of course, but these costumes will scare the hell out of some people in the neighborhood: 8. Lance Armstrong 7. Jerry Sandusky 6. Sheriff Joe Arpaio 5. Gov. Jan Brewja

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Loteria election cards with two of your favorite villains (toons)

by INGRID CRUZ October 29, 2012 Cartoons
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Artist Ingrid Cruz writes, “I’m working on a series of them. I hope to complete the other 52 before November 6.” RELATED: Voteria Cards by Lalo Alcaraz

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Sheriff Joe gears up for tough re-election battle, reveals secret weapon

by Santino J. Rivera September 14, 2012 El Now
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(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Arizona’s toughest sheriff, Joe Arpaio, might soon be known as Arizona’s fiercest sheriff. Arpaio is gearing up for what he expects will be the toughest of his five re-election campaigns and he is pulling out all the stops this time by revealing his alter ego, “KoKo.” No stranger to controversy, Arpaio […]

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I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

by Elise Roedenbeck August 31, 2012 El Now
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America! All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but […]

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