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Venezuelan Vice President Nicolas Maduro (he may be the new president by the time you read this) has accused the United Estates of poisoning dead Hugo Chavez with special commie-killing cancer.
We talked to our sources in the intelligence community to compile the pocho ocho most likely ways the U.S. could have given Commissar Chavez the deadly disease:
8. Horsemeat — it’s what’s for dinner
7. Pinche high-fructose corn syrup
6. GMO salmon [Mas…]
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(PNS reporting from TRENTON) “Chinese hackers infected my laptop and filled it with pornography,” an area beer sales executive told company help desk personnel yesterday. “I had no idea they could do that!”
Mark Mendoza, chief marketing officer for Buckman Brothers Beverages, said his company-issued Lenovo ThinkPad T530, a 15.6” powerhouse equipped with high productivity features and leading wireless options that keep him powered and unplugged around the clock, started acting strangely after a trip to CraftBrewCon2013 in Tallahassee last week. [Mas…]
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Dear Abuelita:
I’ll give to you straight. I’m newly-married and confused. My wife won’t give me oral sex and she refuses to let me do her. She says it is sinful.
We were both virgins when we were married so it didn’t come up before, but it’s making things difficult in the bedroom. She won’t allow anything other than straight “missionary position” and seems to treat it more as a chore than fun and she doesn’t experience orgasm but that’s no big deal as far as she is concerned.
What am I doing wrong? I thought this was a gift from God that we were both supposed to enjoy.
Is that all there is?
Dear Sinless,
Murder is a crime. Divorce is a sin. Adultery isn’t always what it’s made up to be in the novelas. I don’t have any advice for you. What were you thinking by being a virgin groom? I should smack you with a wet rosary for being such a menso.
Do you still have your Gift from God receipt? If so, you may want to consider returning your gift because it’s not working. I sure hope you both make it to heaven because your marriage sounds like a sexless hell. Unless you change religions, eso es todo. Que triste!
Adoringly, Tu Abuelita [Mas…]
