8. It’s half-time and your friends are still trying to decode the Roman numerals.
7. Everyone’s trying to explain to Tio Frank why only the runty guys get to kick the ball.
6. Your morbidly obese pal keeps shoving nachos in his mouth and shouting instructions to the athletes on TV, oblivious to the irony.
5. Repo man shows up and takes the flatscreen, so you put the game on the radio and recreate the action with shadow puppets.
4. The drinking game you started — a shot whenever someone complains about [some foo’s name here] doing the half-time show — gets everyone drunk in the first two minutes of the game.
3. It’s turned into an intervention. Fortunately, you’re so stoned you barely notice.
2. Some guy who played high school football insists on explaining Tom Brady’s mechanics.
And the numero uno sign your Super Bowl party is in trouble …
1. Beer’s warm, pizza’s cold, and your bookie is at the door with a crowbar.
— Your handsome and humble servant El Guapo