Malcolm Mex 
In these troubled times, God[ess] knows, we could use some help from indigenous, culturally-appropriate deities.
Here are the Pocho Ocho top Aztec gods we could sure use today:
8. Chingilipochtli, god of payback
7. Guautemoc, god of amazement and wonder
6. Spocktezuma, god of living long and prospering tambien
(PNS reporting from MONTREAL) A Los Angeles man who had not been heard from since he fled to Canada in 1970 to avoid the Vietnam War draft has been found in Montreal, according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
When Albert “Sleepy” Dominguez missed the 1970 Chicano Moratorium in Los Angeles, noone knew he had quietly slipped out of the country the night before to go underground and avoid conscription to Vietnam.
Dominguez, then 19 years old, went so underground that neither family, friends nor the U.S. government could locate him to inform him that he was never, in fact, drafted.
Mas…Chicano anti-war activist found in Canada after 44 years
(PNS reporting from MONTREAL, QUEBEC) Authorities here are scrambling to halt the spread of a Mexicanized version of poutine, Canada’s beloved national dish of French fries covered with gravy and cheese.
The increasingly-popular poutine burrito, known as a “pou-to” or “poutito” (photo, above) has already swept through Montreal, and officials fear “pou-tos” will cross the Quebec provincial border into neighboring Ontario.
Mas…MexiCanada: Montreal mayor fights poutine burritos – ‘pou-tos’
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Texas Governor Rick Perry was “outraged” after seeing leaked photos of crowded child detainees at the U.S. Border Patrol Detention center in Brownsville, PNS has learned.
“The kind of sloppy detention seen in those photos is a clear waste of space as well as taxpayer dollars,” Perry said in an email sent to aides Monday night.
Perry thinks the centers could squeeze in more detainees using the “tight pack” system long advocated by GOP lobbyist John E. Rebb.
Mas…Texas Governor Perry ‘outraged’ at deportation center photos
(PNS reporting from EL BRONX) Almost every adult American remembers where they were on Sept. 11, 2001, but few remember more vividly than Bronx janitor Alberto Qaeda.
“That was the first time I ever got my ass kicked. And the second time. And the third,” recalls Qaeda, who used to go by the more informal name of “Al.”
Qaeda (photo), who was 17 in 2001, was a student at City College of New York studying to be a cashier when the first plane crashed into the World Trade Center.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) White House sources have confirmed that Pres. Barack Obama will deliver an “I Have A Drone” speech Wednesday to commemorate the the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech at the 1963 March on Washington.
The news has already sent shock waves through both the African-American and civil rights communities.
They are incensed that Obama, the first black president, has presided over the gutting of the Voter Rights Act, massive domestic surveillance, the use of drones on U.S. soil, record deportations, widespread human trafficking, the attack on women’s rights, the acquittal of vigilante killer George Zimmerman and an upcoming tsunami of voter disenfranchisement laws.
The President was also blasted by outspoken national civil rights leader Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who called him a “Tom Turkey of avuncular proportions” due to his administration’s poor civil rights record.
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Television producer Marc Cherry is developing a new series called Desperate Tontos, which is about four white actors donning even whiter makeup to play Native Americans. The series is seen as a comeback attempt following Cherry’s floundering Devious Maids series, which was a disastrous attempt to portray Latinas.
Cherry admits Maids took him a little out of his comfort zone as a writer. “I’m a white guy, and I should write what I know,” said Cherry. “And what I know is how to be a white man pimping other people’s cultures.”
Mas…Breaking: ‘Devious Maids’ producer preps ‘Desperate Tontos’
(PNS reporting from LA PAZ) Bolivian Pres. Evo Morales is angry that the United States “racially-profiled” his jet as it was leaving a conference in Moscow and forced it to land in Austria, the whitest country in Europe.
Bolivian Foreign Minister David Choquehuanca, who was mistaken for Morales at a press conference in Vienna, said the incident last week was a clear case of racial profiling, as the first question authorities asked the pilot when they landed was, “Do you know why we pulled you over?”
Austria charged the plane matched the description of another plane that was suspected of smuggling fugitive U.S. intelligence leaker Edward Snowden out of Russia, and that its tail light was out, according to Choquehuanca.
Mas…Breaking: Bolivia says U.S. ‘racially-profiled’ Morales’ jet
(PNS reporting from NEW ORLEANS) The “Honorable” Judge Edith Jones further angered civil rights and animal rights activists today when she issued a statement claiming killer whales were more violent than other sea life because they are black.
Jones, who was blasted for her earlier assertion that blacks and Latinos are more violent than Caucasians, ignored a court-ordered injunction to stop embarrassing herself and loudly voiced her controversial opinion about the beloved aquatic mammals at a bar association “power breakfast” in the French Quarter this morning.
Her comment was spurred by the new documentary Blackfish, which deals with a tragic killer whale-related fatality at Sea World.
Mas…Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black
Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style. Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day Tom Sawyer. Chances are, he was blasting Rush’s Tom Sawyer during his epic ride, which lasted half a block, just long enough to suck down that beer.
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) A new web series on Hulu is poised to blow the lid off the unprecedented rise of sexy Latinos currently overrunning East Los Angeles. The series, East Los High, is a riveting expose of the rapid “sexrification” of the historically low-and-slow Chicano community.
“The kids at East Los High are hot, they’re ripped, and they can dance,” said Garfield High School alum Alberto “Sleepy” Gonzalez. “When I drop my kid off at school, it looks like he’s stepping into another country, like Puerto Rico.”
Mas…New ‘East Los High’ web series exposes sexrification of East L.A. (video)
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Mexican porn star Alejandro Montejainas was honored at a gala reception in Mexico City’s Zona Rosa last week.
Montejainas, who first gained public notoriety in his landmark 1967 film Chilito Lindo, has starred in more than 70 productions in a career that spans nearly four decades.
Perhaps best known for his political porn film El Sex-enio, Montejainas was a staunch advocate of sexual liberation in Mexico. In 1977 he founded a production studio, Buscochurro, which helped transform the Mexican sexual landscape with such films as Espaldas Mojadas, Buki Nights, Señor Treviño, Dong Juan, Santo vs. Blue Bolas, Shower of Gold and the 10-part series Ynez Sin Barreras.
Joining Montejainas at the head table were fellow industry heavyweights Rudy Alegre, Johnny Listo and Amber Tamalera. One of the highlights of the evening was the arrival of a telegram from former Mexican Pres. Carlos Salinas de Gortari which referred to Montejainas as “a friend to the Mexican home video industry.” The telegram was later read aloud to the audience.
(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.
The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.
“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.
“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”
Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win
(PNS reporting from LONDON) Queen Elizabeth II of England — depite being briefly hospitalized with a stomach infection — has endorsed the stampede of European carnivores who say horsemeat in your beefburger is no big deal.
Joining the German cabinet minister who advocated giving horsemeat-tainted products to poor people and the Huffington Post’s LatinoVoices, which published a Cuban horsemeat recipe, the 86-year-old Queen put her stamp of approval on the new “austerity” regime:
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sick Queen Elizabeth says horsemeat is fine
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) President Barack Obama today issued a “Sequestration Proclamation,” which authorizes the freeing of an additional 300 undocumented immigrants from detention centers around the country in advance of looming budget cuts.
While Republicans claimed the freeing of these so-called “Pedroes” would lead to the total collapse of the U.S. economy, the only immediate impact has been the creation of 900 new jobs.
Obama is being hailed as “The Great Sequestrator” by Latinos around the country, and Obama-themed corridos are already staples on Mexican radio.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sequestration Proclamation frees the ‘Pedroes’
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner’s wallet was found at the Russian meteor crash site, according to an LAPD statement issued here today.
Although the Los Angeles Police Department does not have an explanation for how the charred wallet ended up on the meteor, observers note the theory supports the “Magic Wallet” theory the LAPD is using to explain how Dorner’s wallet and ID were simultaneously found on a boat in San Diego, at the San Ysidro border and intact in the ashes of the burned out cabin at Big Bear.
Mas…LAPD finds Christopher Dorner wallet at Russian meteor crash site
(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope.
The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, will feature clergy from around the world competing for the coveted next Pope slot.
Fox Director of Religious Programming Norm Inepatri says “Pope” will keep many of the same sets and challenges as the “Pimp” show including biggest ring, flashiest hat, sweetest ride and smoothest money collection approach.
While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies.
8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile.
7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops.
6. He fulfills the requirement of morally edifying an Anglo character, in this case by sending Anderson Cooper an explanatory letter about LAPD corruption.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope
The Ronald Reagan Library celebrated the 40th president’s 102nd birthday today by releasing this never-before-seen archival footage of Reagan in action during the height of the 1986 Iran-Contra Scandal.
Revered by neo-cons, ex-cons and decepticons as a doting old Weeble, Reagan is considered by many as the ultimate con. The Gipper’s birthday is celebrated in the United States, the Middle East and Central America as a National Day of Lying.
Mas…Reagan Library releases rare video to mark Gipper’s 102nd birthday
(PNS reporting from FRESNO) Latino farmworkers say Dodge’s American Farmer Super Bowl commercial is a bunch of manure, according to Claude Rhodappel, spokesman for the Minority Organization for Farmworkers and Obreros (MOFO).
The commercial, directed by filmmaker Ken Burns, used crisp documentary-style photography to celebrate America’s farmers while espousing the values of Dodge’s Ram Truck.
MOFO is objecting to the fact that almost all of the farmers depicted in the ad were white, with the exception of one African-American man, who was included as the “Magical Negro” featured in so many Hollywood productions.
Mas…Ken Burns Super Bowl commercial angers minority farmworkers
(PNS reporting from FLUSHING, N.Y.) This just in: Long Island dry cleaner Beau Riqua was an unhappy man this morning when he prevented nurses from administering an enema prescribed by his doctor. Riqua, who was visiting internist Dr. Lee Cuado with concerns about bloating, was upset that Cuado, a longtime friend, recommended this delicate procedure.
“That charlatan is just getting revenge because he lost $500 to me on a Super Bowl bet,” says Riqua, “so now he’s on my list. Go Ravens!”
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) This just in: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has introduced a bill to shorten February to 26 days. Cantor says February is getting too “uppity” and two of its days should be given to April, which he claims is being discriminated against as “the cruellest month,” because it features the observance of “Confederate History Month” and “Patriots Day.” The bill also aims to cancel leap years, just to be a dick.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days
(PNS reporting from COMPTON) Minority gun owners tired of the “racist white agenda” of the National Rifle Association have launched the National Gun Association (NGA) to lobby for the rights of Latino and African-American gun owners.
NGA, straight out of the Los Angeles suburb of Compton, believes the NRA’s defense of mass shootings, which are mostly perpetrated by white male Christians, harms the real agenda of supporting gun ownership for personal and business self defense.
NGA president Cole Fotyfife, just back from President Bronco Bama’s inauguration (photo), said the campaign will focus on the message “Guns don’t kill people, crazy white people kill people.”
Mas…Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) With the “fiscal cliff” crisis over, congressional Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is joining the Obama Administration’s push for a Fiscal Clit stimulus.
“President Obama has been working every angle to deliver a really generous package that will provide the kind of stimulus America needs,” Pelosi told reporters after Tuesday night’s historic House vote. “The Fiscal Clit will provide a release for tense Americans everywhere, especially for women. This has been a long and hard process, and we’re glad to see it will have a happy ending.”
Republicans were quick to renounce Pelosi’s assertions.
“There is no such thing as a Fiscal Clit,” said GOP pundit Dick Chiquito on Fox News. “No one I spoke to in the Republican Party has ever encountered a Fiscal Clit, and we’ve checked binders full of women over the last 40 years.”
Former California Gübernator and bodybuilding icon Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new autobiography Total Retard paints a scandalous picture of a life dominated by men, sweat, steroids, cigars and the desperate need to womanize and destroy the California economy.
Reading like a review of an action film in which the main character blows up everything in his path, the biography provides a rare glimpse of how a man who spent the first 30 years of his life in bikini briefs and body oil could become governor of the most powerful state in the Union.
“It is important to know which muscle to flex, when to flex it and who to flex it to,” writes the action movie star.
Schwarzeneggar spends a fair amount of time writing about hard lessons he learned from other fame-hungry bodybuilders and how that was the best preparation for success in Hollywood and politics.
He also talks about the opportunities he had as an immigrant to America.
“America is the land of opportunity for immigrants.” writes Schwarzeneggar,” but it helps if you are a rich, white man from Austria.”
Mas…Schwarzeneggar ‘Total Retard’ bio takes hard look and bares all
As NASA’s rover Curiosity blazes new trails on Mars, POCHO recognizes the space agency’s racial advances since the early days, ’57 or ’58. It was a different time. (NSFW language.)
And it was a different time in the 1970s when poet Gil Scott-Heron recorded his rap/poem Whitey On the Moon as well. Or not so much:
Mas…Rover on Mars, Negroes in space and ‘Whitey on the Moon’ (videos)
