Pocho Ñews Service
Tico man fed up with being called ‘Chino’ by everyone
Most friends don’t even know his real name, which is Ken
(PNS reporting from BELÉN, COSTA RICA) A local Costa Rican man born to Taiwanese immigrants is threatening to pack up and move to Taiwan though he’s never actually been there before.
Ken Chu, 28, who was born in Belén to Taiwanese immigrants, says his reasons for wanting to leave are simple.
“I’ve been known as Chino my entire life,” Chu said in a press conference at the Taiwan donated Puente de la Amistad in Guanacaste. “My friends, everyone I work with, my teachers at school, even Guachimen. Everyone calls me Chino. I’m not Chinese! I’m Tico!”
Americans stick with traditional ignorance for Cinco de Mayo
(PNS reporting from the EEUU) Tex-Mex restaurants across the country are banding together this week to ensure the flawed traditions of margaritas, sombreros, maracas, bastardized Mexican food and overall cultural cluelessness are again propagated upon masses of uninformed Americans this Cinco De Mayo.
Mas…Americans stick with traditional ignorance for Cinco de Mayo
Latinos take week off to celebrate Catholicism’s cultural rape
(PNS reporting from LATIN AMERICA) Millions of Latin Americans are on vacation this week to celebrate Semana Santa, a festival to commemorate the desecration of the region’s native cultures and the Spaniards’ forceful imposition of Catholicism through celestial acts such as rape, pillage and genocide.
Holy Week, where children are off school and adults binge drink, gives Latin Americans time to reflect upon Jesus Christ’s selfless sacrifice for humanity, despite the fact that 500 years earlier no one on this side of the world had heard of him and worshiped far cooler Gods of the sun, rain and maize. Catholic cathedrals across the region are certain to be packed with Aztec, Mayan and Inca descendants, all to give thanks and praise to a merciful God coerced into their societies by armed, greed-fueled colonialists spreading the heavenly message of El Espíritu Santo.
Mas…Latinos take week off to celebrate Catholicism’s cultural rape
Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’
Gringo instructor adamant class loves him
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.
The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.
“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?”
Mas…Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’
Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.
The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.
Mas…Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity
McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza
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Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs
(PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s Tikal and Peru’s Machu Picchu, according to a spokesperson.
Mas…McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza
Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com
(PNS reporting from MENLO PARK, SILICON VALLEY) In a push to make the world’s most popular social media network region-friendly, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that the Latin American URL for the company’s website will be changed to ElFahhhhhce.com, a decision celebrated by the 400 million users south of the U.S. border.
Mas…Facebook to change Latin American URL to ElFahhhhhce.com
Cold war chills Rio Grande Valley town as raspa rebellion heats up
(PNS reporting from EDINBURG, TX) Eddie’s Raspas, the sunny yellow shack out on Sprague, used to be the place to be on a scorching Valley afternoon.
“People would come from all around and say, ‘Eddie, which of your five delicious flavors shall I have today?’” Eddie Cardenas recalled fondly. “It was great.”
Until six weeks ago, that is, when an electric-blue trailer moved in across the street.
Cardenas said that newcomer Chuy’s Famous Raspas is stealing his business, and shaming the shaved ice industry as a whole.
“It’s trashy,” he said, speaking over the pop music coming from the nearby trailer. “You give people so many flavor options, they feel paralyzed! Now I’m hearing whispers about burritos and Frito pies? It’s war, I’m telling you.
Mas…Cold war chills Rio Grande Valley town as raspa rebellion heats up
Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest
(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan.
“It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one hand, illegal drugs are now utterly and completely vanquished from our streets. On the other, (Hidalgo County) Commissioners Court has already cut our budget for next year by 90 percent.”
Treviño, who was reached while fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, responded to Guzmán’s capture like many of his counterparts at all levels of law enforcement nationwide: by quietly folding his office’s entire narcotics unit and slashing the rest of the criminal investigations division from a staff of hundreds down to five full-time deputies.
Mas…Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest
U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to change that appeal thing some lower courts were dealing with earlier (you know, back and forth and shit?) no matter que chingados the people think.
POCHO will share more details as the situation develops here in Our Nation’s Capital.
Mas…U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless
Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month
Hispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which starts in 10 days.
But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta.
¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month:
8. Reset your calendar so months begin on 15th
7. Purchase and enjoy all 57 bean varieties from Hispanic comida conglomerate Goya
6. Grow a luxurious mustache — you too, mujeres!
Breaking: New stamp honors Hispanic Heritage Month
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The U.S. Postal Service has released a new stamp to mark Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which begins September 15.
The El Borracho stamp kicks off the Hispanic Male series, the brainchild of Joe Sendembach, who left the Border Patrol to join the USPS as an artist and rose to Director of Creative Services.
“It honors the way us veterans of the MIGRA-Industrial Complex feel about the Hispanic male,” according to Sendembach.
“We plan other cultural stamps along these lines, including a Drug Mule series,” Sendembach wrote in a press release distributed this morning.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Unfunny ‘Latino’ sitcom debuts Sunday, people will watch anyhow
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Newcomer John Gomez stars as The John Gomez Show premieres Sunday night, the latest sitcom starring a Latino that is destined to join the long line of Latino TV shows that suck.
John and his sweet, sexy wife Lisa are a happily-married couple with two children. Daughter Rosie is just turning the corner to teenager, and son Sam is a precocious — oh, forget about the plot line, it promises to simply suck big time.
“It’s a formula for failure,” declared Hispanic TV audiences everywhere.
“I will watch it no matter how bad it is. Juan Gomez is one of our own, even though he is the unfunniest Latino on the planet,” said Latina inactivist Vera Tellez.
Mas…Unfunny ‘Latino’ sitcom debuts Sunday, people will watch anyhow
PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican
(PNS reporting from London) This just in: Controversial Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from the papacy making him the first pope to abdicate in over 600 years. His resignation coincidentally coincides with the first real investigation of Vatican child sex abuse in over 600 years. Benedict, the pope formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, will retire to his native Bavaria and is looking forward to taking long vacations with German friends to Thailand, the Philippines and Malaysia.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican
Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript
We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!
(APPLAUSE)
Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.
And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.
(APPLAUSE)
Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).
(APPLAUSE)
Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.
Mas…Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript
PNS*Hot*Flash: Harvard MEChist@s pluck ban because Calderón
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) This just in: Women of Harvard University’s MEChA collective have vowed they will not pluck their eyebrows until school officials revoke the fellowship of former Mexican President Felipe Calderón at the John F. Kennedy School of Government.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked
A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you.
MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12
------------
ENTER ON WHITE HORSE
(because Rafalca will trip)
(NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste)
(REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, don't block the expensive background set)
AJUUUUUUA!
HELLO, TAMPAX!
No one has ever asked me for my birth certificate, because that's not what you ask rich white dudes.
Big shout out to Stripper Sarah Palin, see you at the afterparty tonight.
Thank you to all the espeakers, especially my vieja Annn Romney. She really loves you women. And she loves to Unzip The Mitt!
POLLO RYAN. Pinche Eddie Munster rules! The viejitas fear him, but he promises eternal life, just let him bite your Medicare.
CHRIS CRISPY IS THE ONLY HOMBRE I KNOW WHO DEEP FRIES HIS NAILS BEFORE HE CHEWS ON THEM.
Mas...Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked
BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) BREAKING ÑEWS: Mitt Romney’s campaign “will neither confirm nor deny” that the GOP presidential candidate has chosen a running mate. The candidate’s vice presidential “short list” has long included Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Tim Pawlenty, but now campaign insiders are suggesting the search is over and Romney has chosen country music legend Randy Travis.
Once deemed George Bush Sr.’s favorite country music star, Travis has been actively campaigning for the slot for over a week, especially in Texas.
Mas…BREAKING: Romney VP search reaches deep in the heart of Texas
Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males
(PNS reporting from OAK CREEK, WI) Following the second mass shooting by a white male in just a few weeks, Federal authorities will soon start building and outfitting concentration camps for young, white men racially profiled as potential domestic terrorists.
The last time concentration camps were mandated in the U.S. was during World War II when thousands of Japanese-Americans lost their homes, jobs, possessions to ensure the safety of the nation.
“It’s the same principle,” FBI Special Agent Phillip Coulson told a press conference here yesterday “The truth is, no one is safe anymore when young, white men have ample access to firearms, free reign to be hateful online and white privilege that allows them to fly under the radar of our racial profiling system.”
Mas…Uncle Sam setting up concentration camps for white males
Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union
(PNS reporting from TEJAS) The votes have finally been counted and it looks like Democrats in Texas voted overwhelmingly yesterday to secede from the United States of America
“Texas Democrats are tired of Gov. Rick Perry’s partisan politics and of a Republican legislature that seems hell-bent on destroying the rights of hardworking Texans,” said state Democratic spokeswoman Rebecca Acuña.
The vote to secede was a desperate move for the Dems, who fought a hard fight against Republican redistricting that is still tied up in Federal courts. Hidden at the end of the state constitution — after the part where Rick Perry famously said the state could secede from the union — was a footnote that allows for areas of the state to secede as well.
Romney’s new Spanish TV ad now available with English subtitles
(PNS reporting from GUACHINGON) As the Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-espeaking voters with a new ad, Dia Uno. POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español.
Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court. Don’t ask us, we just work here.
Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Following the warm reception to the upcoming César Chávez biopic, producers in Hollywood have mounted an international effort to produce the “most extensive Chicano film in history.”
The production not only features an all-star cast from the United States and Latin America but also includes both factual and fictitious events in Chicano history.
“The idea is to jam pack as much history, culture and entertainment into two hours of film so that young Chicanos don’t have to read any books to learn about who they are,” said the project’s director, Pedro Almodóvar.
“In fact, if possible we are going to try to make the two hours into an hour-and-a-half, because our target audience has no attention span.”
Mas…Hollywood Spaniards, Puerto Ricans plan ‘ultimate’ Chicano film
Bolivia puts Mother Earth over God, dooms country to Hell
(PNS reporting from BOLIVIA) Undoubtedly weakened by defending herself from deranged Islamo-fascists seeking to nestle in her naïve, hot-blooded bosom, Latin America has fallen victim to an even more dangerous attacker: The Green Dragon of Environmentalism.
Bolivia is slated pass unprecedented legislation that would grant the planet the same rights as human beings. The environment will be given special protections from industry and related development under the recently-proposed Law of Mother Earth. Socialist cocaine-growing President Evo Morales, the first openly-heathen president in Latin America, believes this legislation will help protect unwed whore Mother Earth from the fairy tale of climate change.
Mas…Bolivia puts Mother Earth over God, dooms country to Hell