MARIA PURISIMA

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

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(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.

Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.

“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning.

Mas…City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)

No peas, no chance! This Christmas we’re serving KaleMole (photo)

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At Stew Leonard’s, guacamole is its own ingredient — just add kale!

This the beginning of the end of the American middle class.

Chunky Guacamole

Stew’s Chunky Guacamole is prepared fresh daily by our culinary team with whole avocados, tomatoes, red onions, jalapeno peppers, a dash of salt, and a splash of freshly squeezed lime juice…. Plus, new for 2015, is Stew’s Kalemole, which is the addition of shredded kale to our traditional Chunky Guacamole!

Wine Pairing: Alto Vuelo Sauvignon Blanc — The citrusy, grapefruit component of this wine will pair nicely with the tangy, creaminess of the Guacamole and or the Kale Guacamole

PREVIOUSLY ON EXOTIC GUACAMOLE:

Mas…No peas, no chance! This Christmas we’re serving KaleMole (photo)

Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

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shirtmodel(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the history of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about, yo!” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported.

Mas…Area man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is all about, yo!

Area Man’s Dilemma: ‘Work on beach body or just wear a t-shirt?’

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mexicanswim(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) Julio Reyes wanted a beach body shape this Summer, but after weighing changing his diet, swapping soda for water and committing to a strenuous of weights and cardio, he reconsidered.

“I think I’m just going to wear my t-shirt with my swim trunks this year,” he told PNS. “That way, if my workout regimen doesn’t kick in ‘til later no one will notice.”

Mas…Area Man’s Dilemma: ‘Work on beach body or just wear a t-shirt?’

Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

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sadgirl(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) After careful consideration, local woman Estela Zamora, 28, is aiming to be less ambitious in 2015.

“Turns out the ‘American Dream’ doesn’t mean to aim for the stars, but rather, right under the stars, where it’s safe and there’s more company,” Zamora told PNS Sunday.

“I’m just tired of getting flack for aiming too damn high!”

Mas…Area woman looks forward to mediocre, less-ambitious 2015

Let me tell you all the reasons I really, really hate Christmas

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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!

Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.

You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!

Mas…Let me tell you all the reasons I really, really hate Christmas

Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Sandra Ceballos made a shocking discovery Friday night when she was out with her girlfriends.

The standards she’d been using to find a good husband were, as her friend Jenny put it, “appallingly low.”

Ceballos, whose family is from Mexico, was raised to believe that if a man is not too much of a drunk, works hard, and doesn’t beat you, he’s “good husband material.”

Mas…Woman needs stricter hubby test than ‘not a drunk, won’t beat me’

Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

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hongkongdemo(PNS reporting from FRESNO) The 16 Cal State Fresno MEChA students who flew to Hong Kong to join the student protest — but were quickly kicked out of the demonstration — returned home late Sunday night.

The students were ejected from Occupy Central after Hong Kong student organizers discovered that the Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de Aztlán backed the Chinese Communist government. As the only Reds participating in the protests, their calls for “revolution” differed significantly from the protestors’ demands.

Mas…Local MEChA group ejected from Hong Kong returns to U.S.

Official spokesman for U.S. Hispanics quits: ‘It’s a bullshit job!’

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spokesman(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Gerardo Lamas, the official spokesman for all Hispanics in the United States, resigned Wednesday night.

“This is a bullshit job and I’ll never be able to please anybody,” he told PNS in a late-night phone call. “I mean, I’ve been at this for a while, and let me tell you, it hasn’t gotten any easier. Que effin’ lastima, right? I’m throwing up my hands!”

“The truth is it’s ridiculous to expect one person to be able to speak for millions from diverse backgrounds, geopolitical situations, economic castes and region-specific cultures,” he said. “Rachel Maddow calls, Fox News calls, Esteban Colberto calls, and even your guy Al Madrigal from The Daily Show calls. Thank God for Caller ID!”

Mas…Official spokesman for U.S. Hispanics quits: ‘It’s a bullshit job!’

Local Chicano decides to start calling himself ‘Hispanic’

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hispanicguy(PNS reporting from IRVINE, CA) Roland Vega, 33, formerly known as “Rolando,” has come to an important moment in his life: He’s transitioned from a “Chicano” to a “Hispanic.”

The decision to change the way he self-identifies came as somewhat of a shock to his family and his homeboys, but not necessarily to Vega’s former Hispanic fraternity brothers.

He made the announcement on Facebook Sunday night.

“You know, Roli — er, I mean, Roland — was always the most radical Chicano in the fraternity, but c’mon man, he was studying accounting. I kinda always knew he was going to end up a Hispanic,” said Ed Taboada, Vega’s college roommate.

Mas…Local Chicano decides to start calling himself ‘Hispanic’

Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

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joemillerracistmailer (PNS reporting from ANCHORAGE, AK) Some they call him Joe, some they call him Doh! but one group of Alaska voters is 100% behind Joe Miller, the Tea Party-affiliated candidate who is seeking a United States Senate nomination.

“His campaign mailer (click on photo to enlarge) convinced us that Miller will do a great job keeping the thriving Latino community of Alaska in check,” read a press release issued Thursday by Cecilia Jones, the president of National Organization for Minorities, Advertisements, Media Exposure and Symbolism. “And that especially goes for your drug-dealing border-crossing tat-wearing illegal alien Democrat voters!”

Mas…Alaskans praise candidate who will save us from illegals with tats

Happy Mexican Dancing Horse Day! (videos)

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Post by Pal Feis Tucson.

 

OK, we made up Mexican Dancing Horse Day, but we think there should be holiday like that, with Banda music and all the oats you can eat! Above is a brand-new dancing horse video, and here’s a classic dancing horse FAIL video:

Mas…Happy Mexican Dancing Horse Day! (videos)

Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

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broncof(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported.

Mas…Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies

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thumbSelfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page.

8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face.

7. The “I’m in the bathroom but I swear I didn’t just take a shit” selfie featuring a peace sign, your face, the bathroom mirror and the toilet you just used in the background.

6. The “Look I have friends, I swear” selfie with a group of people you never talk about or reference, but refer to as “besties,” “bros,” or “homies” every few months in the selfies you take together.

Mas…Pocho Ocho most annoying selfies

Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

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Bill-Clinton almadrigal400 Kanye-West

(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams.

“You know, I think it was Fate — with a capital ‘F.’ It was 3:42 PM on a Thursday and I was feeling frustrated at my account manager job at an international insurance company. I felt a spiritual lightness I had never experienced before,” the Arlington Heights man told PNS.

“It was amazing, like all my ennui and weltschmerz was gone!”

Mas…Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

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juanfrijoles(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.”

“Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,”  lead researcher Dr. Germán Gutiérrez told a press conference here Tuesday. “They supply magical sounds, as well as protein and lots of fiber.”

Mas…New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

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