MARIA PURISIMA

Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

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brooklyn(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night.

“He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So lame!” Martinez, 25, lamented to PNS.

“Why do guys always have to lie about how big their pipis are?!”

Loya, 28, an architect, was quiet after leaving Martinez’s rent-controlled apartment, shivering, pacing on the sidewalk, looking up at her window, hoping she would give him a chance to explain.

Mas…Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.

“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”

Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”

“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”

Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’

I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

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I’m so sick of Christmas and December isn’t even a week old!

Every year it’s the same crap over and over again. I mean, I wasn’t even finished pretending not to eat Halloween candy before people started playing that Christmas music — don’t even get me started on the music! It’s like, let’s take a has-been artist and have them pump out some horrible tripe and force everyone to remember why they became irrelevant in the first place, all the while pretending like we’re enjoying the tunes.

You know, all those songs were written during a time when my grandparents weren’t even allowed to go into certain restaurants. “No Mexicans, No Dogs” is what the door signs used to say. “White Christmas” indeed!

Mas…I really, really hate Christmas – let me tell you why

Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends

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rickperryglasses(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Gov. Rick Perry is disappointed his new hipster glasses haven’t helped him in the polls.

“Why don’t people like me? I’m more than just the guy who came after Bush, I’m cool, see?” he told reporters at a press conference at the Capitol Wednesday as he pointed to his stylin’ horn rim frames from Warby Parker.

According to insiders, Perry thought the hipster glasses would not only make him more likeable but would also make people think he’s smarter, too.

“I watch Dr. Who,” said Perry. “I’m been hanging at Waterloo Records trying to make friends with guys with beards. I’m growing some fierce sideburns.”

Mas…Rick Perry is sad new hipster glasses don’t help him make friends

A fashion trend from the 1990s — chanclas with socks — is back

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socks-and-thongs(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Some fashion trends from the 1990s have been back in vogue for a while — everything from flannel to baby doll dresses and chokers — but one fashion trend has insiders abuzz this Fall: Chanclas with socks, newly re-branded as Chocks.

Rebuffed by mainstream fashion in the 1990s, the once-criticized trend is finding its home in a world where Miley Cyrus’ trashy fashion thrives.

“Chocks are a spin on a traditional Chicano way of dressing,” said Marisol Mejia, a chola-turned-designer here who is making waves in the fashion world. “What you have to realize is that it’s all in how you wear it, not just what.”

Mas…A fashion trend from the 1990s — chanclas with socks — is back

Breaking: Hillary Clinton taps Julián Castro for VP spot

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clintoncastro(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Hillary Clinton formally announced her candidacy for President Sunday night, and PNS has learned San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro will be her running mate.

“Latinos are the ‘in’ thing — and Hillary knows that — she’s never been one to ignore what’s in vogue,” a source close to the campaign told PNS.

“Plus, all those Latino votes!”

Mas…Breaking: Hillary Clinton taps Julián Castro for VP spot

New JLo Barbie Doll has no ass — Mattel blames high cost of plastic

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barbiebutt(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) The new Jennifer Lopez Barbie Doll has a suspicious lack of derriere, hurting Mattel’s effort to pander to cater to the young Latina market.

The outcry, mostly online, prompted Mattel to a hold real live press conference here Thursday to try and do some damage control.

“The steep increase in the cost of plastic is beyond the control of Mattel, or our manufacturers,” spokeswoman Elena Guajardo told reporters in a Trump Towers conference room, while an assistant Tweeted her remarks to the Internets.

“Due to global shortages of plastic and plastic precursors, Mattel was forced to reduce the amount used to manufacture the new JLo Barbie.”

The JLo Barbie was expected to help Mattel in the Latina market.

Previously, Mattel tried shaming young Latinas by presenting them with unrealistic blonde Barbies that promoted internalized oppression, but that approach was a sales flop.

Mas…New JLo Barbie Doll has no ass — Mattel blames high cost of plastic

Oxford: Big butt women are smarter, healthier *UPDATED w/ VIDEO

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* An interview with the University of Oxford butt fat researcher [Updated 7:45 PM PDT Nov. 2, 2013.]

vander(PNS reporting from ENGLAND) Scientists at the University of Oxford have uncovered evidence that women with big butts are not only the most intelligent, but also the most resistant to chronic illnesses.

The study examined the fat accumulated in different parts of a woman’s body, and found that women with a phat ass were less likely to get diabetes, since they are more likely to produce hormones to metabolize sugar.

What’s more, women with big booties tended to have lower levels of cholesterol and fewer heart problems, according to the study.

We translated the Fafhoo Noticas report:

Women with a big butt, wide hips and a narrow waist can live longer, and even be more intelligent, since the Omega 3 fats stored in their butts support brain development.

Mas…Oxford: Big butt women are smarter, healthier *UPDATED w/ VIDEO

Birthers question Sen. Wendy Davis of Texas: ‘Is she really white?’

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wenddavissneakers(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Local “birthers” have temporarily put aside their doubts about Pres. Barack Obama’s citizenship to a focus on a question closer to home:

Is Texas State Senator Wendy Davis – a Democratic candidate for governor – a secret Latina?

They assert that Davis is the Anglo version of Juana; that Davis was born into a Mexican family in Oklahoma, and after successfully using her heritage and gender to get into Harvard Law School, she descended on the Lone Star State to reclaim Texas for Aztlán.

Davis gained national attention in June with a filibuster against a Republican bill to severely restrict abortions (while wearing sneakers.) She officially announced her candidacy on October 3.

“There’s no way a real Texan, would be on the side of Latinos in this state — haven’t you been paying attention?” asked Mary Jones, founder of the North Texas Tea Party Patriots, who is also an Obama birther.

“The truth is that we don’t know the truth. She could be a secret Aztlanist who’s been ‘passing’ all this time, we just don’t know, all we’re doing is asking the question.”

Mas…Birthers question Sen. Wendy Davis of Texas: ‘Is she really white?’

JLo wins Espiritu Award for playing Mexicans

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Jennifer Lopez(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Actress Jennifer Lopez was honored at the Espiritu Awards last night, netting the coveted Best Non-Mexican Actress Who Plays A Mexican In Every Role Award.

“I’m just so grateful to all of you who see in me what every casting agent in Hollywood sees: a Mexican. Which is actually better than being a real Mexican, because then I can actually get work,” she told a gleeful crowd as she accepted her award.

“If it weren’t for Mexicans, I would not have the career I do today, thank you, thank you!”

Mas…JLo wins Espiritu Award for playing Mexicans

Breaking: Scientists ID ’empty the trash’ gene in male DNA

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trashguy(PNS reporting from BOSTON) Geneticists at Boston University have discovered the gene in men that gives them the strength, stamina and expertise to take out the trash.

According to an article published Monday in the journal Science, the gene is located near other genetic material that corresponds to mens’ inherent superior ability to mow the lawn and open tight jar lids.

Mas…Breaking: Scientists ID ’empty the trash’ gene in male DNA

Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

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culoquotient(PNS reporting from STOCKHOLM)  A Latina math professor was awarded the Nobel Prize in Mathematics Wednesday for her discovery of the mathematical relationship between dress dimensions and the bulbousness of the culo.

“It’s such a surprise! I was just trying to figure out how to shop for clothes that would fit me without making me look like a puta,” said Cal State L.A. Professor Rosie Carrasco, speaking to PNS from the kitchen of her mom’s house in East L.A.

Carrasco’s discovery — the Culo Quotient —  is a rigorous mathematical formula that uses the ratio of the length of a back of a a dress (typically shorter) and the length of the longer front of a dress to derive an accurate measurement of the size of the dress-wearer’s culo.

Her discovery was initially released on the Internet, before a movement sprung up to nominate her for the Nobel Prize.

She is the first Latina to win the prestigious award.

Mas…Breaking: Latina wins Nobel for discovery of Culo Quotient

Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

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tobacco-road-miami(PNS reporting from MIAMI) Frequent catcaller Ruben Torres was stunned Monday evening when a woman he was ogling and taunting at an area dive bar flipped him the bird and berated him in front of his friends.

“I can’t believe she did that to me, man!” he said tearfully in an exclusive PNS interview. “Why would she be so mean?”

Clarissa Cortés told PNS she was “just not having it,” after a 10-hour day balancing the books at Ponce de Leon Wholesale Rejuvenation Supplies and then fighting the traffic on the Palmetto Expressway. She just wanted to leave Tobacco Road on South Miami Avenue and go home to Brickell. Torres’ catcall was the last straw, she said.

“Oh hell no, not after the day I had,” Cortés said. “So I turned around, flipped him the bird and told him that he was an hijo de puta!”

Mas…Breaking: Area man stunned by woman’s verbal assault

Lonely local woman overshares at morning meeting

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businessmeeting(PNS reporting from HOUSTON)  Rachel Zamarripa needs a friend.

Her co-workers at Johnson-Sonora Marketing in the Skyline District know as much because of her stories about lonely weekends doing the laundry and eating Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia out of the container. Or cleaning the kitty litter.

But the Tuesday after Labor Day, Zamarripa (photo, right) crossed the line at the morning sales meeting — when everyone else was hung over and miserable — to talk about her weekend.

First she bored her co-workers explaining how she re-arranged the fridge and re-lined the kitchen cabinets — the proper way, just like her mom taught her. Then she described in detail how she went to her neighbor’s carne asada barbecue, got chorro from one of the salsas (she thought), and spent most of Labor Day on Monday between the toilet and a bottle of Gatorade.

Mas…Lonely local woman overshares at morning meeting

Arizona schools remove ‘illegal Spaniards’ from high school curriculum

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Cortes(PNS reporting from TUCSON) The Tucson Independent School District’s high school history classes will drop all references to Spanish conquistadores when discussing the history of North America before English pilgrims came to the U.S.

Instead, the district’s teachers will focus on more “American” historical figures, such as Englishman John Smith, School Board Chair Kyle Brown told a meeting of the group Tuesday evening.

“Arizona is part of America, and so we don’t want to give our kids any ideas about America being Spanish, or associated with illegal Spaniards,” Brown explained.

Mas…Arizona schools remove ‘illegal Spaniards’ from high school curriculum

Latinas largest donor group for male facial hair transplants

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beardedlady(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Facial hair transplants for men desiring sexy, just-rolled-out-of-bed beards have skyrocketed in recent years. And Los Angeles, home to many Latinos with indigenous — and thus hairless — roots, is the epicenter for the growing transplant procedure.

Fortunately for would-be burly bearded men here, there’s an ample supply of facial hair donors in the same city, according to plastic surgeon Dr. Amit Patel.

“What we’re seeing in Los Angeles is a group who wants facial hair, Latino men, and a group that has plenty of facial hair and doesn’t want it, Latinas,” he told PNS.

Mas…Latinas largest donor group for male facial hair transplants

Breaking: Silverlake hipster DOA after DIY project goes wrong

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accidentscene(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Jimmy “Doc” Juanes was found dead on Hyperion Boulevard near Fountain Avenue here late Sunday night in what the LAPD called a freak DIY project gone wrong.

The 28-year-old USC masters student in French literature was known around his Silverlake neighborhood for his inventive do-it-yourself projects that pushed the envelope for what is considered “standard” in the DIY/Maker community, and police here said that led to his demise.

Mas…Breaking: Silverlake hipster DOA after DIY project goes wrong

Nevada Latino GOP outreach not working per plan (NSFW video)

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(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The Republican Party in Nevada is trying to woo Latinos, but the outreach effort isn’t working according to plan.

The PNS undercover camera posse was in a parking lot on the Vegas Strip Saturday night when a GOP campaign worker was unable to get a Latino voter named Miguel to sign an “Impeach Obama” petition despite a concerted effort. (NSFW adult language.)

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year

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speakenglish(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Lone Star State’s leading export — hateful white men — has reached new levels this year.

According to report released Friday by the Economic Institute of Texas, A Texas Export Snapshot, Texas consistently leads the nation in the export of hateful, misogynistic white men who also run state legislatures.

Texas exported 20% more TPCs (Texas Political Conservatives) in the first half of 2013 than than in the first two quarters of last year, with the trend continuing to accelerate. Over 11,000 TPCs have left Texas since January, they say.

Mas…Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year

Woman is told ‘Cup O Noodles is not fideo,’ then gets dumped

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noodles(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Paola Lopez’ dreams were shattered and her heart was broken Friday after she prepared sopa de fideo for her boyfriend, Sunny Vargas.

“I just thought it would be nice to make him a quick snack before we went out,” the 28-year-old woman tearfully recounted to PNS. “Then all of a sudden he got all mad and left me. He broke up with me in a text that night.”

The tragedy began Tuesday when Vargas, a  sales representative for a Pico Rivera power tools importer and distributor, told Lopez that one of his favorite dishes (and thus a requirement to be considered “wife material”) was sopa de fideo, like his mom Victoria makes.

The shocking conclusion came Friday evening.

Mas…Woman is told ‘Cup O Noodles is not fideo,’ then gets dumped

Texas lawmakers focus on Latinos with poll tax, redistricting

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texaslegislature640(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Republican-controlled Texas legislature (photo) has wasted no time in exploiting last month’s Supreme Court ruling that gutted the Voting Rights Act:

The lawmakers have passed a draconian redistricting scheme and enacted new voter registration requirements that many liken to a poll tax.

SB17, nicknamed “The Liberty Forever Bill,” mandates a laundry list of voter registration requirements “to ensure that only Texans are allowed to vote.” It passed Saturday and awaits GOP Gov. Rick Perry’s signature.

Among the measure’s exacting requirements:

Mas…Texas lawmakers focus on Latinos with poll tax, redistricting

Breaking: Napolitano brings harsh border enforcement to UC

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napolitano600(PNS reporting from BERKELEY) Department of Homeland Security Secretary (and former Arizona Governor) Janet Napolitano has accepted an offer to head up the University of California system.

Napolitano promised to do the same for the UC system that she did for the border during her time at DHS:

“I kept out and quashed as many Mexicans as any DHS Secretary could during my tenure, and now that Latinos are overtaking whites in California, I promise to do the same at the UC system,” she said in a statement.

Mas…Breaking: Napolitano brings harsh border enforcement to UC

PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

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wholefoodshipster(PNS reporting from PORTLAND) Mario Rojas grew up in a tough Chicago barrio, but since he moved here for college he’s gotten soft, according his friends and family. His old street cred is gone, they worry, and he doesn’t resemble the Mario they used to know.

“He’s all into that hipster shit, organic and whatever, qué es eso? Organic ni nada, ponte a trabajar!” said Rojas’ father, Mario Sr., when contacted by PNS.

Eating a gluten-free alfalfa sprout and chevre cheese taco on an organic blue corn tortilla — and then getting tagged in an Instagram photo by his friend Maggie — didn’t helped Mario Jr.’s reputation either. Until the stylized photographic foul-up, Rojas kept his family in the dark by never sharing pictures of his newly-grown beard, clothes, or food preferences.

Mas…PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

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rickperryreelection(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.

Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.

“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the  former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.

Mas…Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Texas Senate is currently considering a bill that would outlaw “looking too Mexican in public.”

Senate Bill 32 was introduced by senators from East and North Texas who say the law will celebrate American and Texas culture.

“Texas has a proud and long history of being American, or Texan, and that should be celebrated,” said Fort Worth area Republican Sen. Alice Boswell.

“It’s not like Texas was never Mexico, so why should Mexicans here be allowed to celebrate that culture?”

Mas…Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

Flash: ‘Foxy Farmworkers’ set for Fall premiere on Fox

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Hoping to capitalize on the Devious Maids buzz, Fox will jump on the stereotypical Latino programming bandwagon with a new entry this fall called Foxy Farmworkers.

The show will follow a quirky group of “young, single and ready-to-mingle” Mexican farmworkers as they make their way from the impoverished US-Mexico border to fields in Washington, Oregon, Montana, Michigan.

Between backbreaking 14-16 hour days in the sun and working in the fields, the young men manage to get themselves into a world of trouble chasing after petite, white women in the towns they pass through, breaking hearts along the way.

Mas…Flash: ‘Foxy Farmworkers’ set for Fall premiere on Fox

Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms

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paletero640(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) Summer has begun baking the country, and that means just one thing on Wall Street: A steep rise in the value of paleta stocks.

“We all look forward to a seasonal bump in the iced treats sector.  This year, Navidad came early,” said Alexander Wiseman, a desserts and novelty/snack food analyst for investment bank Barney, Smith & Locke.

“The paletas de coco seem to be particularly big sellers thus far, but more conservative investors are sticking with the time-tested favorites, such as fresa and limón. Ah, nothing really cools you down like a lime paleta,” he told PNS.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms

Flash: Man is only a misogynist when at his mom’s house

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Mario Villarreal isn’t considered a misogynist by most of his friends — he even has female friends — but everything changes once he crosses the threshold of his mother’s home here.

“All of a sudden, he’s struck with a sudden case of mamitis, which in turn causes his machismo to come out,” said Monica García, who is Villarreal’s friend outside of the confines of his mom’s.

“He’s pretty down most of the time, he came out to Take Back the Night and the Chicana Women’s Forum we held last month,” the UCLA junior said. “But when I went home to his mom’s house he was all, like, telling her what to do while sitting on the couch when clearly she was tired. What a jerk!”

Mas…Flash: Man is only a misogynist when at his mom’s house

Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’

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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) A local teen has decided to discard her slave name “María de la Paz Rodriguez Ramírez” and rename herself “Jennifer Lopez” after her Latina idol.

“I’m tired of being kept down by the man. My slave name ‘María de la Paz’ is clearly a name with Spanish roots and my family is originally from Mexico City, the former capital of the Aztec empire,” the 16-year-old Lamar High School junior said.

“I will no longer be kept down by my conquerers’ attempts to stifle my culture.”

Mas…Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’

Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Marisa Rodriguez just wanted to look “fresh” for the summer.

What she didn’t want was the public humiliation from finding out the blue contact lenses she bought at the Mothers’ Day car show and swap meet at Traders’ Village didn’t actually make her look fresh, or more white.

“It happened at school when one of my classmates laughed at me when I asked him if he noticed something different about me,” the Harlandale High School junior tearfully told PNS.

“Justin is a bully, he just laughed at said I had a nopal on my forehead and that I looked lame with these blue contacts!”

Mas…Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.

A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.

“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.

“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.

Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

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