MARIA PURISIMA

Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

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(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.

Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.

The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”

Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

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(PNS reporting from PASADENA) Bob Lowe recently discovered that — for some reason — he is disliked by all his coworkers.

He explained the confusing situation to PNS Wednesday afternoon as he poured himself the last cup of coffee, left the empty pot on the heating element, and walked away without making more.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” he said. “I mean, maybe I take peoples’ lunches sometimes, big deal, you know? What did you think was gonna happen if you left food in the fridge?”

Lowe’s officemates on the eleventh floor have complained to company Vice President of Human Resources Mike Cervantes numerous times about Lowe’s inability to keep deadlines, hapless attempts to get others to do his work, refusal to learn new things, terrible personal hygiene and general rudeness in the 10 months since he was hired, but to no avail.

Mas…Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

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(PNS reporting from WAUKEGAN, IL) Erlinda Morales has wanted an MBA degree for years, but it wasn’t until a Facebook ad for the University of Phoenix popped into her newsfeed that her dream began to come true.

“All I had to do was click on the ad, fill out a form, and all of a sudden I’m in graduate school getting my Masters in Business Administration! This is the happiest day of my life!” she posted on a Facebook Status Update Sunday afternoon.

“They’re such a big deal, they have ads everywhere — not just any school would be able to advertise like that,” she bragged.

Mas…Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

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(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) Mary Hernandez has a problem: she’s addicted to Takis. The 17-year-old Californian cannot get enough of the spicy imported Mexican corn chips.

“She eats Takis all the time instead of real food,” lamented her mother Laura, while stirring a pot of beans. “She needs real food; look — she’s getting too skinny!”

Hernandez, a senior at San Bernardino High School, said her Takiphilia began when a friend offered her “just a little taste” behind the gym after school. She snuck a bite and has been madly munching away since.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye

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(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Internet security companies here are warning PC users a new threat could be hitting their email inboxes this week: Mal-Ojo-Ware.

The malicious software penetrates a users’ PC via an inviting email from an attractive young woman or man and then takes control of the computer and sticks the user with mal ojo.

Mas…Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye

Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’

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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES)  Outgoing Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has a proposal for incoming mayor Eric Garcetti: Be my wingman.

Villariagosa has been contemplating life after being LA’s mayor — and it’s not looking good. Reviewing his taste for power and dating attractive women who would be out of his shorty league if he weren’t powerful, Villariagosa told PNS he’s worried.

Mas…Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’

Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama gave up his efforts to pass comprehensive immigration reform this week, informing Republican leaders that he didn’t care about reform anymore.

“Fuck it!” Obama reportedly told Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a conference call Tuesday.

“I don’t care about reform anymore, are you happy? Don’t pass it, see if I fuckin’ care!”

Washington insiders say that the president’s sudden change of heart on immigration has less to do with his actual desire to see reform pass and more to do with tactical consderations. Every time the president wants to pass legislation, Republicans balk — so if he doesn’t want to pass immigration reform, the thinking goes, conservatives will play along.

Mas…Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes

Stone Oak woman claims family spat was due to ‘pura envidia’

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) The recent loud family dispute at her home here was due to “pura envidia” on the part of her husband’s people, according to Adelia Lázaro.

“They are just envidiosos because we have worked hard to have this mock-Tudor home in Stone Oak closer to the north side than them,” the San Antonio native and mother of three told PNS.

“They just want what we have and can’t be happy for us!”

Mas…Stone Oak woman claims family spat was due to ‘pura envidia’

Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

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(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) Reese Witherspoon trotted out her East L.A. roots over the weekend after her husband was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

“Who do you think you are?” Reese demanded during the traffic stop. “You can’t treat my man like that! Do you know who I am? If you don’t know now, you will soon, cabrón! Ain’t nobody mess with my man but me!”

Witnesses said Witherspoon’s head bobbed back and she waved her arms erratically.

From the police report:

Mas…Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

CDC health warning: Small pipi syndrome hits middle-aged men

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Centers for Disease Control is warning of an emerging epidemic hitting middle-aged men who have just begun to go bald and gain weight.

Medical experts are terming the new outbreak “small pipi syndrome” and the list of symptoms is alarming:

Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

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It’s tough for hermanas out there trying to find love — especially with the anonymity of the online dating world. What makes it even harder for Latinas online is how easy it can be for dudes to be jerks, specifically, racist jerks.

Here’s our list of the top eight racist things said to Latinas in online dating sites:

8. I’ll be your anchor baby.

7. Chupa mi cabra.

6. Our future children won’t speak Spanish, like real Americans.

Mas…Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

Latina discovers talent for poetry by saying random words slowly

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(PNS reporting from SAN FRANCISCO)  Marce “More-Say” Figueroa discovered her talent for poetry this time last year when her roommate told her she was talking in her sleep.

After that conversation, Figueroa started writing down the random words that popped into her head when she woke up. Soon, she realized what she was really writing was poetry — and April is National Poetry Month!

“Angie my roommate was all, like, ‘Wow Marce, that’s great,’” she told PNS. “She was so inspired that I started writing more poems, and after a reading in the City College of San Francisco cafeteria, I changed my name to More-Say, instead of Marce, because it’s like poetry, you know?”

Mas…Latina discovers talent for poetry by saying random words slowly

Pocho Ocho signs that you are a renter

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Here at POCHO headquarters, not all of us own our own homes. As a matter of fact, some of us are the victims of less-than-concerned landlords. Oh, the joys of renting!

Here are the Pocho ocho signs that you’re renting:

8. Your towel rack is broken for weeks at a time and you have to hang your towel on the front stoop, which “brings down property values” but doesn’t lower your rent.

7. You can hear cats having sex on every side of your apartment complex in the middle of the night.

6. Toilets, showers and sinks occasionally overflow with water that smells funny.

Mas…Pocho Ocho signs that you are a renter

PNS*Hot*Flash: Chicana frets – winged eyebrows or eyeliner?

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES) Veronica Gonzalez has a conundrum: Should she go rockabilly and do winged eyeliner or go chola and do winged eyebrows?

“It’s, like, hard, you know? I’m just trying to keep up with my heritage,” Gonzalez told PNS Wednesday.

Gonzalez said that if she went rockabilly it would not only look cute with her new cats-eye glasses, but she would be able to dress more girly. If she went with the chola eyebrows, then she would have to wear more khaki and that’s just not her color.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Chicana frets – winged eyebrows or eyeliner?

Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

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In a much-criticized move, Mexico has finished construction of the border wall to keep out assholes from the United Estates.

American officials were mum after their own calls for more enforcement on this side of the border, but some politicians are mad enough to consider canceling their own Mexican spring break vacations.

Mas…Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Scores of immigrants released due to sequester-forced budget cuts are headed to the nation’s capital to fill gaps in the labor pool, PNS has learned.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) began releasing low priority immigrants from detention centers in New Jersey, Louisiana, California, Texas and Florida earlier this week.

After the immigrants were released, PNS got reports that congressional staffers were driving past detention centers trying to pick up the immigrants for jobs in Washington.

“Immigrants are, once again, doing the job that no one else can do: balancing the budget,” said Manuel Padilla, who was released from a detention center in New Jersey Monday. “About 40 of us came from Jersey, in the back of three pickups!”

Mas…Sequester-released immigrants head to D.C. to fix the budget

Pocho Ocho Latinos who confuse white peeps (we all look the same!)

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People are often confused by different Latinos — it’s hard to tell us apart if we all look the same, right?

Here’s a quick roundup of the top eight folks who get mistaken for each other. Let us know if we missed any in the comments!

8. Pocho superstars Gustavo Arellano and Lalo Alcaraz

7. Pitbull the dog and Pitbull the singer

6. Airplane buddies Edward James Olmos and Jan Brewer

Mas…Pocho Ocho Latinos who confuse white peeps (we all look the same!)

Grad student realizes lesbian tendencies don’t make her Frida Kahlo

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS ANGELES)  María de Luz Guzmán Villa had a disturbing realization this week: being a lesbian in grad school does not make her more like the Mexican icon Frida Kahlo.

Like many others, Guzmán Villa first experimented with trying to be like Frida, especially her lesbian tendencies, after her first Intro to Chicano Studies course at Cal State L.A.

But instead of giving up her fascination upon graduation, she gave up her boyfriend César and applied to grad school.

Mas…Grad student realizes lesbian tendencies don’t make her Frida Kahlo

Chicana activist joins EZLN movement

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(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY)  A local activist is excited about throwing her support behind a movement in Southern Mexico she recently read about on Facebook: the EZLN.

Pilar Morales (photo) said she saw a post on her friend Daisy’s Facebook wall about a new band called Rage Against the Machine which talked about the movement.

When the Spanish Harlem resident Googled it, she said she felt like she’d finally found a cause she could really support.

“I totally get this. They are just, like, fighting for their rights and the government is oppressing them!” Morales told PNS. “It’s just not fair.”

Mas…Chicana activist joins EZLN movement

Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.

Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her  life has changed dramatically.

“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”

Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.

Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos

You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latinos who voted to reelect Barack Obama are set to receive one of the benefits he promised: Insurance against mal ojo (“ojo” insurance for short) starts on January 15.

Ojo, more commonly referred to as the “evil eye,” is treated by touching something that one is envious of or by having an abuelita rub an egg over the target of the envidia while saying a prayer.

“Access to health care is not an ‘entitlement,'” Obama told the crowd at an Olvera Street appearance in downtown Los Angles at a 2008 campaign rally. “It is a fundamental right. And as president I promise that every American, not just Latinos, will have the right to protect themselves against ojo.”

Mas…You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week

Local Latina activist tearfully faces reality: ‘I can’t save the world’

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García (photo, right) underwent a nervous breakdown at the Boyle Heights Community Development Council’s final 2012 meeting Wednesday night.

After several snotty tissues, García faced up to the vast distance between her dreams and reality.

“I can’t save the world! I can barely save myself!” she cried, wiping her tears on the sleeve of the Mexican peasant blouse she bought on her second trip to Chiapas in ’97.

“I’m, like, trying here. I just want to give back to my community, but it’s hard, you know? Not everyone is as dedicated to la causa as I am.”

Mas…Local Latina activist tearfully faces reality: ‘I can’t save the world’

Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

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(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE) Johnny Ramírez had a huge confession to make to his Pre-Columbian Latin American history class last week. The summer he spent in Barcelona really changed him, the San Jose State junior told his fellow students during section.

“I always felt this pressure to be true to my indígena Aztec roots, you know? Even though me — and well my parents and grandparents, too — were all born right here in California, I always wanted to honor my family’s real roots,” the well-known Latino campus activist said. (Ramirez, right, was photographed at an immigrants’ rights march last May Day.)

When he was in Barcelona, he said, he realized that he had Spanish blood, too, and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of — but proud. He has a cousin, Juanita, who has hazel eyes, so obviously his family has Spanish blood, too.

Mas…Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’

Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish

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(PNS reporting from IOWA CITY) Brian Peterson said he started out last Friday night like any other night — catching up on his favorite telenovela so he could improve his Spanish language skills.

But this episode of El Amor No Muere was different.

“After three months of pretending like they could be just friends, Gabriela and Domingo were finally going to get together! But instead of just kissing, they ended up, well, more compromised,” Peterson told PNS. “That’s when it happened.”

HVAC specialist Peterson had watched telenovelas purely for their educational value. He wanted to learn, in his words, “how people truly and actually live” in Mexico.

Señora Hall, his old Regina High Spanish teacher who studied Spanish in Spain, once told him many students swore by telenoevelas for their educational value, and he remembered her advice when he was trying to understand what some Spanish-speaking coworkers were trying to tell him.

“I understood tech words in Spanish like ‘hot’ and ‘cold’,” he told PNS, “but I wanted to learn the nuances of Español.  That’s why I started watch the shows on Spanish TV.”

Friday night, all of a sudden, without warning, Peterson noticed Gabriela Spanic’s ample cleavage and low-cut blouses for the first time.

Mas…Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish

Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’

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(PNS reporting from LAREDO) Tia Chita will not be hosting the annual holiday season tamalada at her house this year, she revealed to her family last night. As a matter of fact, she told stunned participants at her niece’s baby shower, she never wants to make another tamal in her life.

“First of all, I’m sick of all the gossip!” she shouted, pacing around the room quicker and quicker the more excited she became.

“I know the tamaladas are where all the comadres are supposed to catch up on ‘family news’ and everything, but did you ever think that I really don’t care who’s sleeping with whom and who’s going to have a baby? Ya estoy vieja, I’ve been a million weddings already!”

Chita is sick of everyone coming over to eat her food and then leaving dirty napkins everywhere, staining her nice couches with tamal grease, she said. Sometimes the bathroom gets stopped up, and she has to have the neighbor come over with the plumber’s snake. “He’s not a smell-good plumber,” she grimaced.

Mas…Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’

Contagious Latinophilia hits U.S.; Boehner, Hannity, Arpaio infected

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Public health officials are concerned about contagious Latinophilia that has spread with breathtaking speed across America since Bronco Bama’s reelection last week.

Former anti-Latino pundits and politicians who for years went out of their way to make life miserable for Latinos are now succumbing to what scientists believe may be a viral condition.

“Almost immediately after the election — which may have been decided by the massive Latino vote — reports began flooding our offices,” Robert McLean, Director of Public Health Outbreaks at the Centers for Disease Control in Washington, D.C. said this morning at a press conference.

“All across the nation an increasing number of white men have expressed a new need to reach out to Latinos,” he said.

Mas…Contagious Latinophilia hits U.S.; Boehner, Hannity, Arpaio infected

Loser Mitt Romney has the sad: He’s unemployed and part of 47%

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(PNS reporting from BOSTON) Mitt Romney woke up a broken man Wednesday morning and experienced something unimaginable: He had become part of the 47%.

“I never thought this would happen to me; my whole life has been turned upside-down,” he told PNS.

A moping Romney emerged from his down-quilted bed and silk sheets at about 7AM and wandered down to breakfast where his staff had  prepared  farm-raised, hand-fed chicken eggs with organic arugula imported from South America and water imported from France. And then he made the call he had been dreading — a call to his chauffeur, Carlos Peres.

Dejected Romney then began one of the hardest car rides in the back of a custom-made limousine of his life: to the nearest office of Massachusetts’ Department of Unemployment Assistance.

Mas…Loser Mitt Romney has the sad: He’s unemployed and part of 47%

Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

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(PNS reporting from DENVER) Felix Garcia is out of the closet.  The Five Points resident called friends and family together yesterday to confess the secret he had kept hidden for so long:

I just didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t Mexican enough. I mean, corn is OK and everything, but oh my God, a good flour tortilla is unlike anything else!

Long considered the more “authentic” tortilla, corn tortillas have been the favorites of Mexicans from Southern Mexico for centuries, as well as Chicanos interested in joining MEChA.

Advertising executive Garcia (photo)  spent most of his life feigning a preference for corn over flour, hoping that no one would notice his secret stash hidden in the deli drawer of the fridge, under the cold cuts, cream cheese and lox.

Mas…Denver man’s shocking confession: ‘I prefer flour to corn tortillas’

Educated Bay Area Chicana wants to know ‘What about my needs?’

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(PNS reporting from SAN FRANCISCO) A Chicana with a Juris Doctor degree and a Master’s in Public Policy from the University of California at Berkeley recently reflected on her career as the director of a non-profit serving underprivileged youth in the Mission District. Why, she wondered, was she was working so hard to give back.

“Have I ever really lived? I always thought I wanted to give back to the community — it’s given me so much, everything actually — but I’ve never even been to the wine country!” said Paloma Ortiz, a native of the Mission.

Ortiz (photo, above, at her office) noted that although she studied Chicano/a studies and law, her real passion was French literature. Now that she’s in the prime of her life, the prospect of helping her community was increasingly less appealing.

Mas…Educated Bay Area Chicana wants to know ‘What about my needs?’

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