MARIA PURISIMA 
Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong. Since Dia de La Raza/Columbus Day is Monday, we can’t forget the Pocho Ocho top boners he pulled:
8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him.
7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl.
6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.
GOP Presidential nominee Gov. Mitt Romney will be in the hot seat on Univisión at 7PM PDT tonight. Anchors Jorge Ramos and María Elena Salinas will ask him questions in Spanish, and Latino wannabe Romney will respond in English.
It’s an ideal time to bust out your Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila for a drinking game! Every time Mitt Romney does something from Column A, take a drink according to the rules in Column B:
Mas…The Mitt Romney is on Univisión’s hot seat drinking game
8. El guau guau – Also known as a dog. Ferocious creatures.
7. The old country – If you don’t behave I’m going to send you to México next summer, is that what you want??? That’s what I thought!
6. La policia – Look, if you don’t behave I’m going to call the police over and they are going to take you away.
Mas…Pocho Ocho scary things Latinos threaten their kids with
Anyone who has read the Dear Abuelita columns, or dated, knows that it can be a rough world out there. Here we are, beautiful, educated Chicanas, and we can’t seem to bag husbands in time to put a bun in the oven.
What’s a Chicana to do? We came up with a few ways that modern Chicanas can bag a man in no time:
8. Make friends with his mom. That way, she can just order him to go out with you.
7. Get in a fight with his ex. While this may not result in a relationship, it will certainly get his attention, and shit, who doesn’t love to watch girls fight?
6. Flirt with his best friend. Machismo at its finest would not permit a man to see a woman he liked with another vato.
Mas…Top Tips: Pocho Ocho ways modern Chicanas can get their man
[Editor’s Note: With all the attention Salma Hayek’s been getting about pride in her Mexican heritage or lack thereof, POCHO wants to put things in perspective. This story first appeared on June 4.]
(PNS reporting from GENEVA) The U.N.’s Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has added Salma Hayek’s breasts to the official list of the world’s greatest cultural assets.
Joining the Pyramids in Egypt, the Eiffel Tower in France, the Taj Mahal in India and the Great Wall of China, the Mexican-American actresses’ ample bosom is now acclaimed as one of the great “Cultural Wonders of the World.”
Mas…Perspective: UN adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list
8. Don’t wear your sombrero to the office — unless it’s casual sombrero Friday.
7. If you are going to speak in Spanish at the office, talk shit about your non-Spanish speaking co-workers.
6. Respond with “Yes, I am an immigrant” when your co-workers ask you where you are from. You don’t want to be rude and tell them you were actually born in Chicago, now do you?
Mas…Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Lady Gaga — on tour to promote a new album — is showing off new red hot wardrobe performance pyrotechnics designed to appeal to Latinos.
The chanteuse commissioned a special exploding salsa bra (see artist’s rendering) and will personally dispense salsa into the tacos of Latinos across the country. Part of her tour will include special mini shows at taco stands across America.
As a followup to her hit song Alejandro, beloved by Latinos because of the title, Gaga’s new single is Tapa Tetas, a play on the name of the popular salsa, Tapatio. The song deals with a spicy Latina who is trying to find her place in the world.
Mas…Lady Gaga’s Latino outreach money shot: New bra spurts salsa
It’s rough being a Chicano, one little misstep and you can crap all over the sanctity of your Chicanismo. Here’s a list of the top eight Chicano sins you want to avoid, just in case you have trouble keeping track.
8. Changing your name to an Aztec name: If you’re Rosa, don’t pretend like you’re really Xochitl just because you joined MEChA. And that goes for you, too, Nezahualcoyotl, I mean Erick.
7. Confusing Emiliano Zapata with Pancho Villa: Yes, they both had mustaches, but not all Mexicans look the same. One of them was a revolutionary or something, right?
6. Talking shit about RATM: Every Chicano loves Rage Against The Machine, without question, everyone knows this. How dare you?!
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce and the U.S. Labor Department are launching a campaign to promote Hispanic workers.
The Mexicans Work Better campaign encourages American business owners to hire Latino workers for whatever jobs are open and at whatever salary.
“Since the Spanish arrival in the Americas, Latinos have been great workers. We want to encourage U.S. business owners to continue to hire them, at whatever cost,” Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Adrian García told a Monday morning press conference in the Watergate Hotel.
“By hiring Latino workers, business owners get people with a good work ethic, and Latinos get the chance to buy themselves a pack of tortillas — maybe even two. It’s a fair trade.”
Mas…Mexican-American Chamber of Commerce: ‘Mexicans work better’
Those eyebrows, that hair, those monkeys. Happy birthday Frida Kahlo! We celebrate your awesome influence on our pocho lives by listing the top eight ways you’ve influenced us.
8. Made us think we, too, could be an artist. After all, she painted her own reality, right?
7. Inspired us to stop plucking your eyebrows. Or maybe you just didn’t feel like a chola anymore.
6. Helped us fall in love. If Frida could love a crazy fat man like Diego Rivera, surely the love of your life — and his panza — are worth the ride, too!
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways birthday girl Frida Kahlo has influenced our lives
School’s out, summer’s in. Where you going for vacation? Huh? We asked you a question!
OK then. Be that way. Two can play that game. Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho worst possible vacation destinations:
8. Community service. Were you volunteered? Court-ordered? Did your mom rope you into it? Whether it’s babysitting bratty kids at church or painting over graffiti-ed walls that will be covered in new graffiti by the next morning, there’s nothing quite like serving your community.
7. The public pool. Why such a drag? Probably because it’s about 60% chlorine and 40% other peoples’ urine. Swim away!
6. Your family’s rancho in the old country. No running water, no AC, no TP, you may not speak the language, no TV, no Internet, your relatives laugh at you behind your back — or to your face — and you have no escape until your parents come back for you.
5. Sleeping under a cactus with your tío. What? Do Mexicans not do that anymore?
(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Social networking giant Facebook rolled out a new feature to its nearly one billion users today: Enhanced Liking, which CEO Mark Zuckerberg says gives users the option to waste even more time on the site.
The current Like version allows users to give a thumb’s up on their friends’ status updates, photos, and just about anything else they do on the Web. Enhanced Liking means a user can Like a Like, and so on, in endless iterations.
Zuckerberg said the concept of Enhanced Liking came to him years ago when he was got lost driving to see his friend and mentor Steve Jobs at Apple headquarters. “The address, dude, the address,” he said.
Zuckerberg finally made it to Apple, located at 1 Infinite Loop in Cupertino.
Mas…Facebook rolls out new ‘Enhanced Liking’ feature to all users
Not all pochos love hot chile, but the ones that do understand that there is more than one way to respond to that too-hot picante sauce in your mouth. Here’s a list of our Top Eight:
8. Denial – It’s not that hot. Maybe you are trying to impress your old country relatives, or a date, or anyone. But you know better. It’s hot and it stings.
7. Exaggerated mouth breathing – No one has ever confirmed that breathing heavily in and out of your mouth, as though you were doing lamaze, makes the chile any less hot, but you try it anyway.
6. Drinking water – Predictable. This doesn’t help of course. Drink milk* which does.
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Doctors here have discovered an all-natural, fast-acting antidote to unwanted, persistent erections caused by Viagra.
The “erectile dysfunction” drug when taken in excess (and sometimes when taken normally) can cause serious cardiovascular and nerve damage, just like the familiar warnings say.
“We sort of made the discovery by accident when one of our study participants shared his home remedy for overcoming the powerful effects of Viagra,” Dr. Phillip Werner of the University of Texas Health Science Center told a press conference Monday:
The truth is that, often, as physicians we all too often turn to drugs to counteract other drugs when the answer is staring us in the face — literally.
Mas…Doctors discover natural, instant antidote for unwanted erections
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) All people have six degrees of separation? Hells, nah! A new study by an area mathematician begs to differ.
“The truth is that, for Chicanos, there is only a single degree of separation,” says UCLA Ph.D. mathematics candidate Beto Pérez, of Painter Avenue in Whittier. “I’ve done a global calculation based on a plethora of factors and concluded that journalist Frigyes Karinthy’s theory of the general population does not apply to Chicanos.”
Pérez published his findings in article and photo essay titled, “Inlakesh: Chicano Identity One-On-One,” in the June issue of National Geographic.
“First of all, most Chicanos have too many primos,” he told PNS, “and therefore there are never too many people you won’t know. When you add in homies and rucas, plus tíos and tías, plus people you start calling “compadres” five minutes after you meet them, you never even get to the point where more than three degrees of separation are required,” Pérez said.
Mas…Mathematician: Chicanos have only one degree of separation
(PNS reporting from GENEVA) The U.N.’s Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has added Salma Hayek’s breasts to the official list of the world’s greatest cultural assets.
Joining the Pyramids in Egypt, the Eiffel Tower in France, the Taj Mahal in India and the Great Wall of China, the Mexican-American actresses’ ample bosom is now acclaimed as one of the great “Cultural Wonders of the World.”
According to UNESCO, Hayek’s bodacious tatas give untold numbers of young (and old) men around the world a “sense of identity and continuity” that promotes “respect for cultural diversity and human creativity.”
Committee Chair Dr. André Moreau noted that Hayek’s contributions to Hollywood films of the 1990s in which you can almost see her breasts and charity work that requires her to dress up her choice chi-chis in expensive gowns have both been pivotal to the American male psyche.
Mas…UNESCO adds Salma Hayek’s breasts to world heritage list
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) In what is being heralded as a major step towards recognition of the role of Latinos in our Nation’s history, the Smithsonian this week premiered its latest exhibit: the iconic Nike Cortez athletic shoe.
The shoe, a fixture of Latino culture since the 1980s, becomes a permanent part of the Smithsonian’s collection and may pave the way for inclusion of other Latino footwear in the future, such as exemplars from Stacy Adams, chanclas y pantuflas.
The Cortez will go on display near other American footwear, including Dorothy’s ruby red slippers from The Wizard of Oz, the first pair of Chuck Taylors, the shoe that almost hit George W. Bush in the face in Iraq and others.
Mas…Smithsonian adds iconic Nike Cortez to permanent shoe exhibition
Abuela knows best, amirite?
She recommends these old-fashioned remedios for whatever ails you:
8. Chile
Does it matter that you don’t eat chile? Or that this special hot sauce will burn a hole in your ulcer? No, eat it, you’ll see how much better you feel.
7. Nopal or linaza (cactus or flax seed)
If there’s something wrong with you, let’s flush it out. Sure, you will be spending the next week in the bathroom, but by the time you come out, whatever was ailing you will be long gone.
6. Rubbing an egg all over you while saying a prayer. (Una limpia con huevo)
Did your abuelita learn this ritual in church? Hell no, but for whatever reason, when she’s rubbing a cold egg all over you saying a Catholic prayer, it somehow makes you feel better. By the time that egg sucks up whatever evil eye someone gave you, the idea that this ritual is strange and old world will have slipped your mind.
Mas…Pocho Ocho Top Old-School Abuelita-Style Remedios (cures)
Supposebly, I was supposed to sex it up for my boyfriend Manuelito. He said the romance was gone and we needed to spice it up. So I did what any girl would do — I went to Victoria’s Secret.
I spent a long time in that store, too. I looked at everything they had — from those bras with the gel to make you look like you have more cleavage to the ones that scrunch your chi-chis together to make you look muy sexy and even considered those itty bitty tangas that would inevitably get lost somewhere in your pompis.
After all that looking around, I wondered: how do these tiny women manage to be so chichonas anyway?
I finally settled on something and went home to make it a special night. I lit sexy cinnamon candles, the kind that smell like churros, put on my new brassiere and waited for Manuelito to come over. Once he got there I was so excited! But, as it turn out, we were both in for a shock.
Mas…Mujeres: Wearing Victoria’s Secret doesn’t make you a model
8. Gordo/a – This word (it means “overweight”) seems like an insult, but it’s just another way to say, “Hey you!” You don’t have to be fat to get this nickname.
7. Flaco/a – And you don’t actually have to be skinny to get this nickname. Of course, you could be relatively skinny compared to everyone else in the room, but it’s just a way to speed things along.
6. Viejo/a – This word (“old”) could be used to refer to one’s significant other, parent, or friend. Whether or not one is actually old depends on those involved in the conversation.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ironic nicknames that aren’t as insulting as they seem
If you’re a Latina, then you know the dirty little secret: body hair everywhere. Maybe you didn’t grow up with hairy arms or legs, but once you approached 30 or had children, the secret caught up with you.
Hair on your arms, hair on your legs, hairy eyebrows, chin hair, toe and foot hair, moustaches, sideburns, hair on your breasts, even a female version of the treasure trail! Aye!
I’ve seen the culture around Latina body hair traverse everything from shame to denial to indifference to pride (I’m looking at you Frida Kahlo.)
But for the rest of us not so lucky to look good in a moustache, this hair must be dealt with. Here are the top eight ways this can go down:
(PNS reporting from ALTA CALIFORNIA) Ethnic anthropologists recently discovered the last living Chicana who has never seen the coming-of-age movie Blood In Blood Out.
The woman, not named in the report, was spotted and identified last summer in the Los Angeles suburb of Cudahy, according to a study published in the prestigious journal Science.
The subject, 32, had no explanation for not seeing the film that is “required viewing” for a true Chicano or Chicana, according to the paper, although scientists have been analyzing her brain for abnormalities in her “cholo receptors:”
Mas…Scientists ID Chicana who hasn’t seen ‘Blood In Blood Out’ (video)