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Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

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Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla

(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

Taco Bell reveals secret 12% ingredients in 88% ‘beef’ tacos

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dogeingredientsIt’s not news that the “beef” in Taco Bell’s “beef” tacos was only 88% actual “beef.” POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano was all over that years ago. But wassup with the other 12%?

The mystery ended Tuesday as the fast-food chain came clean about the secret ingredients which the company says are all “completely safe and approved by the FDA.”

“They do have weird names,” Taco Bell wrote on its website, ”perfect for tongue twisters!…They’re common ingredients also found in food items at your grocery store.”

As a public service, we’re happy to present the complete list, as if any of you pochos go to Taco Bell at all:

Mas…Taco Bell reveals secret 12% ingredients in 88% ‘beef’ tacos

Stars to record ‘You Are An ^%$#’ for Donald Sterling [photos,video]

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Stars from television, music and sports are set to gather in the old A&M sound stages (now the Henson Studios) on La Brea Avenue here today to record a rebuke to Donald Sterling, racist owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Galvanized by community organizer Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who wears the mantle of slain civil rights pioneer Ricky Martin Luther King, the assembled stars will record The Donald Sterling Song — You Are An ^%$#.

“This ain’t no National Honky League,” Shabazz-Jones wrote in a scorching email scheduling the superstar session, “and we ain’t dancing to no Sweet Georgia Brown on Maggie’s Farm no more!”

Mas…Stars to record ‘You Are An ^%$#’ for Donald Sterling [photos,video]

Mexican Mestizo Miracle! Zebra + Donkey = Zonkey (video)

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Papa Ignacio is a pygmy albino donkey, Mama Rayas is your regular striped zebra. Ignacio used to sneak over from his farm to Rayas’ place at the zoo for some sexy time, and vice versa. Then nature took over and brought young zonkey Rayas to the zoo in Tamaulipas, MX. It’s a miracle because typically a chromosome mismatch keeps the two species from interbreeding. But that’s what they also said about La Malinche.

Texas GOP politician’s Tweet makes him ‘Pendejo of the Month’

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univisiondebate(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Texas State Senator Dan Patrick, a Republican Lieutenant Governor wannabe, was named Pendejo of the Month Wednesday by the American Pochismo Institute (API.) The award followed his Univision debate Tuesday with San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro (photo.)

API’s designation, which is usually not revealed until the end of the month, was awarded Wednesday to Patrick for actions “Above And Beyond the Call of Douchery” after Patrick sent this Tweet Tuesday evening about how much he loves “Hispanics:”

Mas…Texas GOP politician’s Tweet makes him ‘Pendejo of the Month’

Heidi Klum to Natives: ‘You’re offended? Boy, is my face red!’ (photos)

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redfaceklumWe don’t publish the deets of people who visit POCHO.COM or subscribe to our newsletter but we can assure you that Heidi Klum is neither a visitor nor a subscriber, although she’d be smart to remedy that personal failing ASAP. If she were a regular POCHO-naut, she’d never have consented to the red-face photo shoot for Germany’s Next Top Model.

Klum (photo, above) donned her red-face garb along with the other contestants, and published their photos on her Facebook page:

Mas…Heidi Klum to Natives: ‘You’re offended? Boy, is my face red!’ (photos)

Local PC user laments passing of Windows XP: ‘RIP, BSOD!’

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xptattoo(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) “It’s a sad day, ese,” said Ray “Code Boy” Santos, OG founder of area hacker clika MS2 (MS.DOS). “I saw the Windows XP Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) so often, he was mi hermano.”

“We used the XP version of Excel to tweak the hydraulics of Felipe’s ranfla. And I used to have weird dreams about the 3D pipes screensaver,” he told PNS Thursday. “All we had for music in those days was pinche Winamp, carnal, and we liked it!”

Mas…Local PC user laments passing of Windows XP: ‘RIP, BSOD!’

Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers

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notorillasU.S. Latinos went to the movies in 2013 way more often than other ethnic groups, according to the Motion Picture Association of America. Latinos are 17% of the population but account for 32% of moviegoers who went to more than one movie a month.

Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers:

8. Air conditioning

7. You can sneak in your own meal

6. Fewer crying kids than at a birthday party

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers

Mexican garbage men perfect low-impact trash collection (video)

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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Trash collectors in the high-technology “Silicon Barrio” here have perfected a new technique for picking up basura that is greener and faster than traditional methods.

As this demo video shows, drivers in León never stop and re-start their trucks — which would mean wasted fuel and extra airborne pollution. Instead, they rely on inertia to keep the trucks on the route and advanced ballistics to perfect the trajectories that move the soft trash containers into the truck’s cavernous interior with a minimum of effort.

Mas…Mexican garbage men perfect low-impact trash collection (video)

Pope: ‘Quakes are message from God: Let there be gay’

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popebylalocropped (PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) The recent earthquakes in Southern California are a message from God, according to Pope Francis. The Almighty, he told a visiting delegation of American Catholics Monday, will shake things up until they are more gay.

“Lord knows this mortal world needs some bright flashes of color that aren’t suicide bomb explosions in crowded markets,” the Pontiff said.”And maybe some marigold-print cafe curtains in that drab nook over there.”

Mas…Pope: ‘Quakes are message from God: Let there be gay’

Michoacán tornado home video: ‘¡No manches!’ (NSFW)

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A tornado hit the town of Tangancicuaro in the Mexican state of Michoacán on March 22, damaging over 250 homes. This unedited, single-take home video features great play-by-play voiceover while the camera documents flying chonies and other debris. And enjoy the narrator’s colorful vulgar interjections! [NSFW Spanish audio.]

Census Bureau considering new race/ethnicity questions

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2010censusraceproposednewcensusraceThe tricky choose-your-own race/ethnic questions in the 2010 United States Census didn’t work out as planned.

“As many as 6.2% of census respondents selected only “some other race” in the 2010 census (photo, top), the vast majority of whom were Hispanic,” the Pew Research Center reports.

The 2010 Census form asked two questions about race and ethnicity. First, people were asked whether they are of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin.

Then they were asked to choose one or more of 15 options that make up five race categories — white, black, American Indian/Alaska Native, Asian, or Native Hawaiian/Other Pacific Islander.

A separate question about Hispanic origin has been asked of all households since 1980, and the census form specifically instructs respondents that Hispanic origins are not races.

To address concerns about a rising share of “some other race” selections, a combined race and ethnicity question is under consideration for 2020 (photo, bottom), in which people would be offered all the race and Hispanic options in one place.

They could check a box to identify as white, black, Hispanic/Latino/Spanish origin, American Indian/Alaska Native, Asian, Native Hawaiian/Other Pacific Islander or some other race or origin.

Mas…Census Bureau considering new race/ethnicity questions

Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things

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tedcruzbydonkeyhoteyTea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel.

We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in an interview last October, but sometime since then, the original evidence mysteriously disappeared.

(Crack Malaysian detectives are investigating the disappearance.)

Of course, this Grand Old Pendejo official has many other skeletors in his closet — the Pocho Ocho Other Things Sen. Ted Cruz Hates Besides Avocados:

8. LIFE cereal.

7. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

6. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Mas…Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things

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