The view is from Mulholland Drive, the fabled road that follows the crest of the Santa Monica Mountains, looking north into the San Fernando Valley toward Pacoima, hometown of Ritchie Valens. But wait, what’s that, up in the air…
El Now
It’s News to Us!
Feds arrest ‘burrito-bomber’ who says CIA tapped his brain
(ALBUQUERQUE, NM) The Feds have arrested a man who allegedly threatened to detonate a bomb-filled burrito (artist’s conception, right) in the FBI office here, a man who has claimed that he was personally the subject of government spying.
His shocking accusation?
Uncle Sam AKA Tio Sam implanted brain-tapping equipment in his cabeza.
Brian DeMarco, 50, a resident of the Super 8 Motel off of Coors Boulevard, revealed to authorities that the government “placed a tracking device inside his head” in addition to “beaming photons.”
If confirmed, his allegation would dovetail perfectly with a POCHO Mexclusive story about how the National Security Agency (NSA) has outsourced surveillance of Americans in border states to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA.)
Mas…Feds arrest ‘burrito-bomber’ who says CIA tapped his brain
Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms
(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) Summer has begun baking the country, and that means just one thing on Wall Street: A steep rise in the value of paleta stocks.
“We all look forward to a seasonal bump in the iced treats sector. This year, Navidad came early,” said Alexander Wiseman, a desserts and novelty/snack food analyst for investment bank Barney, Smith & Locke.
“The paletas de coco seem to be particularly big sellers thus far, but more conservative investors are sticking with the time-tested favorites, such as fresa and limón. Ah, nothing really cools you down like a lime paleta,” he told PNS.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms
Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Some Texans are ashamed of last night’s racist online reaction to 10-year-old mariachi singer Sebastien de la Cruz’s performance of The Star Spangled Banner at the NBA finals here.
“We can do better!” shouted one local activist at a hastily-called demonstration outside AT&T Center today.
“How can we expect more people to join our racist krusade if we persist in really sloppy spelling, inconsistent capitalization, confused subject-verb agreement and endless repetition of stale cliches?” said Stanley Merdkopf, president of the local chapter of Organized Racist Crackers for America (ORCA.)
Mas…Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’
Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale
(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) Guitar hero and chart-topping band leader Carlos Santana has put his 7,240-square-foot, four-bedroom, six-bath home up for sale as part a 12-step program to “mend…[his]..evil ways” and simplify his life, PNS has learned.
“When I come home, Baby, my house is dark and my pots are cold,” he told area Realtor® Babette “Call Me Baby” DiFranco when he gave her the Skybird Court listing. The home is offered at $3,499,900.
The amazing state-of-the-art luxury home with million-dollar Strip, golf, city and mountain views is located on an oversized lot in Redhawk at The Ridges and allows one to relax in the spacious master retreat with a fireplace and large balcony with stunning views. And that’s where the guitarist’s problems began, according to DiFranco.
“House put a spell on me, Baby, turnin’ my heart into stone,” Santana told the real estate agent. “It’s like I need you so bad, but I can’t leave you alone.”
Mas…Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale
Al Madrigal exposes evil whistleblowing humane criminals (video)
The Daily Show’s Al Madrigal exposes the evil whistleblowing videographers who video animal abuse, blow their little whistles and thereby help the terrorists win. Because who the hell cares how chickens are killed, and pigs stunned and cows bled? [Disclosure: Madrigal also tells tax authorities he is POCHO’s Migrant Editor.]
Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’
(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) A local teen has decided to discard her slave name “María de la Paz Rodriguez Ramírez” and rename herself “Jennifer Lopez” after her Latina idol.
“I’m tired of being kept down by the man. My slave name ‘María de la Paz’ is clearly a name with Spanish roots and my family is originally from Mexico City, the former capital of the Aztec empire,” the 16-year-old Lamar High School junior said.
“I will no longer be kept down by my conquerers’ attempts to stifle my culture.”
Mas…Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’
Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) SpongeBob SquarePants is an undocumented immigrant whose family drifted into Bikini Bottom, Hawaii, from Mexico when he was child, the Nickelodeon star revealed this morning.
SquarePants (real name: Bob Esponja) made the announcement at packed press conference called by Animal Actors for Reform and Fairness (AARF), a pro-immigration reform group.
The reality TV actor plans to apply for President Obama’s Deferred Action program so he can work and drive legally.
“Sure — I’m absorbent. And porous. And as yellow as can be,” he said, his voice cracking, “but that doesn’t mean I should live in a piña under the sea.”
Mas…Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant
Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes
It’s not just the National Security Agency (NSA) doing the esnooping and espying.
Great Britain’s MI5 and MI6 are American partners in Europe. Israel’s Mossad and Shin Bet have the Mideast portfolio.
And in Latino communities in the United Estates, invading your privacy has been outsourced to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA).
Paranoid yet? Here are the Pocho Ways to tell if the Mexican Security Agency (MSA) is espying on you:
8. Neighborhood burros watch you suspiciously after you wake up from your cactus-shaded siesta.
7. Whenever you post that you ROFLMAO when you really only LOL, you get an anonymous text that says “En boca cerrada, no entran moscas.”
6. When Chivas fans do the “Mexican wave” on TV, they hold up big cards that spell out your email password.
Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes
Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods
(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”
Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:
We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.
Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way
Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods
Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche
(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.
Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.
The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”
Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche
Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black
(PNS reporting from NEW ORLEANS) The “Honorable” Judge Edith Jones further angered civil rights and animal rights activists today when she issued a statement claiming killer whales were more violent than other sea life because they are black.
Jones, who was blasted for her earlier assertion that blacks and Latinos are more violent than Caucasians, ignored a court-ordered injunction to stop embarrassing herself and loudly voiced her controversial opinion about the beloved aquatic mammals at a bar association “power breakfast” in the French Quarter this morning.
Her comment was spurred by the new documentary Blackfish, which deals with a tragic killer whale-related fatality at Sea World.
Mas…Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black
Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent
The Honorable Judge Edith Jones, who sits on the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, is a true American patriot who refuses to bow down to the idols of political correctness.
At a February lecture at the Law School of the University of Pennsylvania, Jones “asserted as fact the proposition that blacks and Hispanics are more likely to commit violent crimes,” according so-called “ethics complaints” filed by some extreme left-wing crime-coddling special interest elite pressure groups.
Complain all you want, you Muslim Brotherhood Kenyan socialist libtards! Consider these Pocho Ocho things that prove Latinos and blacks are more violent:
8. Juan Ga
7. Ru Paul
6. Love Train
Mas…Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent
Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters
It’s no secret: The Grand Old Party needs some new blood.
If the Republican Party, formerly the “Party of Lincoln,” is to succeed nationally, it needs more women, “minorities,” and younger voters. Old angry reactionary white people is not a growing constituency.
Here are Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can bring more young voters aboard:
8. Refer to them as “whippersnappers”
7. Say “dang-fangled” as much as possible
6. Promise 72 virgins to new party members
Taco Bell introduces new Artisanal Soft-Shell Tacos (photo)
Taco Bell’s latest offering — Artisanal Soft-Shell Tacos — became available in several test markets across America today. The proprietary softening process uses only natural organic softeners (shown here being applied by a Taco Bell artisan chef) to turn crispy Cool Ranch Doritos taco shells into something foldable, stuffable and, ultimately, eatable. Try some today!
Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)
That Popocatepetl OVNI/UFO that wasn’t really there last time is back again, captured over the weekend by the 24/7 PopoCam. This time, the “optical illusion” — or whatever they end up calling it — heads from outer espace PAST the smoldering crater and then hangs a U-TURN before diving into the volcano.
PREVIOUSLY ON EL POPO UFO/OVNI WATCH:
Mas…Are UFO/OVNIs flying into the Popocatepetl volcano AGAIN? (video)
Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado
(PNS reporting from CANADIA) David Pérez became the first NAFTA mojado when he crossed illegally into Canadia Saturday.
The undocumented worker from Jalpa, Zacatecas first crossed the Rio Grande into the United States near San Elizario, TX, 10 years ago seeking employment in El Norte.
After working in El Paso for a year doing construction, he continued north, staying with relatives in Denver, Chicago, and Minnesota.
“I kept searching for El Norte and there was always more Norte to explore,” Pérez told PNS.
Mas…Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado
Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) A rainy day failed to damper the spirits of people marching against Genetically Modified Organisms in downtown Austin Thursday.
With signs proclaiming JUST SAY NO TO GMO, the crowd rallied on the steps of the Capitol to protest the “seeds of destruction” they say GMO foods present to society.
Not all the people at the rally supported that viewpoint, however.
“Frijoles should be GMO, so Mexicans can grow,” said Richard Salazar, a software engineer who stands 5’6″ tall and is the president of the local chapter of Itty Bitty Mexicans or IBMs.
Mas…Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles
Pocho of the Week: San Antonio Floater Albert Rios
Crack open a cold Bud Lite for San Antonio’s Albert Rios, our Pocho of the Week, to celebrate his positive attitude and preparedness to ride out this past weekend’s major flooding in style. Rios, who was ready with raft, beer and river shoes when the waters hit, launched into the suburban river like a modern-day Tom Sawyer. Chances are, he was blasting Rush’s Tom Sawyer during his epic ride, which lasted half a block, just long enough to suck down that beer.
Lion meat tacos in Tampa, FL only $35 each! (video)
If you’re hungry in Tampa, FL — and we mean really hungry, king of the jungle hungry — stop by Taco Fusion for lion meat tacos. And camel. And ostrich…
Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand
(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) Area handyman Alfredo Serricchio (photo) plans to sue Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) for the “egregious medical malpractice” that resulted in the amputation of his right hand, his lawyer announced Tuesday.
“He’s just this hard-working, formerly right-handed immigrant who was fixing a rich doctor’s roof and the next thing you know he has only one hand, and it’s his left hand!” attorney John E. Brockman told PNS.
“He’s a handyman for Pete’s sake! You can’t be a handyman without a hand! That is indubitably egregious, irresponsible, unconscionable and irrefutable, and we think it’s worth six million dollars!”
Alfredo, a construction worker at Dr. Lisa Cuddy’s house, had complained on Sept. 27, 2005 that his asthma was acting up, and then fell off the roof onto the concrete. At PPTH he could not breathe, and Cuddy noticed two of the fingers on his right hand turned purple, according to Brockman. “His glove didn’t fit,” he said. “They had to admit.”
Mas…Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand
Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine
(PNS reporting from OKLAHOMA) Standing by a pile of debris that once was an elementary school, President Barack Obama on Sunday called the destruction caused last week’s tornado “fairly devastating” and vowed to seek additional funding to increase the catastrophic power of his weather control program.
Obama’s E-5 category tornado killed two dozen people, ripped a 17-mile-long corridor of destruction through the suburb of Oklahoma City, flattening entire blocks of homes, two schools and a hospital.
“This is nothing. Obviously we can do better,” the president said, standing on a block where lumber, bricks and concrete that used to be houses and businesses lined the side of the street. Items that survived the disaster – a blender, a pink baby carriage – stood in stark contrast to most of the wreckage.
Mas…Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine
Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman
(PNS reporting from WAUKEGAN, IL) Erlinda Morales has wanted an MBA degree for years, but it wasn’t until a Facebook ad for the University of Phoenix popped into her newsfeed that her dream began to come true.
“All I had to do was click on the ad, fill out a form, and all of a sudden I’m in graduate school getting my Masters in Business Administration! This is the happiest day of my life!” she posted on a Facebook Status Update Sunday afternoon.
“They’re such a big deal, they have ads everywhere — not just any school would be able to advertise like that,” she bragged.
Mas…Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman
Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things
The news broke out of Phoenix late Friday, but to tell you the truth, we weren’t surprised. Judge G. Murray Snow of the United States District Court for Arizona officially declared the policing policies of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio unconstitutionally “racist.”
The New York Times summed up the decision this way:
… the sheriff relied on racial profiling and illegal detentions to target Latinos, using their ethnicity as the main basis for suspecting they were in the country illegally. Many of the people targeted were American citizens or legal residents.
It took us a while to read the entire ruling but we went through the whole thing and came up with eight additional findings about “America’s toughest sheriff”:
Mas…Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things
Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Charlie Sheen today announced the launch of Carlos Estevez, a new line of Charlie Sheen created to appeal to Hispanic preferences and to specifically meet their needs based on the unique way Hispanics approach entertainment.
Charlie Sheen’s new product targets the burgeoning Hispanic market, now valued at a trillion dollars a year.
The Carlos Estevez line of Charlie Sheen is based on extensive consumer research and will be available soon in the new Robert Rodriguez Machete Kills film, and eventually in various TV commercials for personal injury attorney services and Budweiser Lime-A-Rita spots.
Mas…Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen
Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis
(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) Mary Hernandez has a problem: she’s addicted to Takis. The 17-year-old Californian cannot get enough of the spicy imported Mexican corn chips.
“She eats Takis all the time instead of real food,” lamented her mother Laura, while stirring a pot of beans. “She needs real food; look — she’s getting too skinny!”
Hernandez, a senior at San Bernardino High School, said her Takiphilia began when a friend offered her “just a little taste” behind the gym after school. She snuck a bite and has been madly munching away since.
Mas…Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis
Breaking: Mal-Ojo-Ware PC email virus spreads evil eye
(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Internet security companies here are warning PC users a new threat could be hitting their email inboxes this week: Mal-Ojo-Ware.
The malicious software penetrates a users’ PC via an inviting email from an attractive young woman or man and then takes control of the computer and sticks the user with mal ojo.
Immigrant-loving John McCain sings: ‘You’re Our Guest!’ (music video)
The Republican Senator from the Hate State of Arizona, John McCain, is one of the “Gang of Eight” senators behind the new immigration reform bill. Today his office released this love song to the “new voters” he wants to legalize.
Secada emerges from the ground after 17 years
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.
The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.
The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.
After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.
Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Outgoing Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has a proposal for incoming mayor Eric Garcetti: Be my wingman.
Villariagosa has been contemplating life after being LA’s mayor — and it’s not looking good. Reviewing his taste for power and dating attractive women who would be out of his shorty league if he weren’t powerful, Villariagosa told PNS he’s worried.
Mas…Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’