El Now
It’s News to Us!
Breaking: Obama plans ‘I Have A Drone’ speech
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) White House sources have confirmed that Pres. Barack Obama will deliver an “I Have A Drone” speech Wednesday to commemorate the the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historic “I Have A Dream” speech at the 1963 March on Washington.
The news has already sent shock waves through both the African-American and civil rights communities.
They are incensed that Obama, the first black president, has presided over the gutting of the Voter Rights Act, massive domestic surveillance, the use of drones on U.S. soil, record deportations, widespread human trafficking, the attack on women’s rights, the acquittal of vigilante killer George Zimmerman and an upcoming tsunami of voter disenfranchisement laws.
The President was also blasted by outspoken national civil rights leader Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who called him a “Tom Turkey of avuncular proportions” due to his administration’s poor civil rights record.
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s long kiss goodbye (toon)
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has resigned after a long and protracted scandal in which more than a dozen women accused him of sexual harrassment. But in this cartoon, Filner is having a final sentimental moment.
[Sponsored] CIA’s new drone flights were designed with you in mind!
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For a small fee, you’ll get exclusive benefits and special treatment:
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Mas…[Sponsored] CIA’s new drone flights were designed with you in mind!
Dreams Without Borders: I am going to grad school in London
On August 5 I launched a fundraising effort which I named Dreams Without Borders.
It is about a dream that had been buried along with many other aspirations for some time. After graduating from college when residing in the U.S., I knew I wanted to earn a graduate degree.
I had not figured out exactly what I would pursue but I was sure it had to be aligned with my life purpose; a work in progress that was halted the day I returned to Mexico.
Nancy Landa was brought to the U.S. without papers when she was a child and grew up in Southern California. She graduated with honors from Cal State Northridge where she also served as student body president. And then she was deported. She introduced herself in this POCHO story.
Some of us experience life-altering moments, those in which we see our dreams fall into pieces right in front of us. In my case, a border became the physical and emotional barrier to a future I had once envisioned.
Some of my friends encouraged me to look for options to continue my education in Mexico. Given that it was my country of nationally, it was assumed I would be able to pursue opportunities I was not easily afforded as an undocumented immigrant in the United States. Right?
Mas…Dreams Without Borders: I am going to grad school in London
The GOP’s Sen. Ted Cruz reveals he is a ‘proud Kenyadian’
(PNS reporting from DALLAS) Like Barack Obama before him, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) is fighting doubts he is really a “natural born citizen” of the United States, a question he must settle before he runs for president.
“I am a proud Kenyadian,” the beaming senator told reporters here this morning as he displayed a copy of his birth certificate. The official record shows his mother was born in Delaware, his father is from Cuba, and Cruz was born in Kenyada.
Mas…The GOP’s Sen. Ted Cruz reveals he is a ‘proud Kenyadian’
What is it? Brazil cyclists capture shiny UFO on video
An unidentified flying object has been photographed over the Serra do Gado Bravo in Brazil by two cyclists, according to England’s Alien Disclosure Group:
Witnesses Raimundo Swimming and Igor Geovani managed to take some photos of the mystery object before it shot away at high speed.
According to Swimming and Geovani, the shiny oval-shaped UFO hovered for some 15 minutes.
Breaking: Silverlake hipster DOA after DIY project goes wrong
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Jimmy “Doc” Juanes was found dead on Hyperion Boulevard near Fountain Avenue here late Sunday night in what the LAPD called a freak DIY project gone wrong.
The 28-year-old USC masters student in French literature was known around his Silverlake neighborhood for his inventive do-it-yourself projects that pushed the envelope for what is considered “standard” in the DIY/Maker community, and police here said that led to his demise.
Mas…Breaking: Silverlake hipster DOA after DIY project goes wrong
Nevada Latino GOP outreach not working per plan (NSFW video)
(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) The Republican Party in Nevada is trying to woo Latinos, but the outreach effort isn’t working according to plan.
The PNS undercover camera posse was in a parking lot on the Vegas Strip Saturday night when a GOP campaign worker was unable to get a Latino voter named Miguel to sign an “Impeach Obama” petition despite a concerted effort. (NSFW adult language.)
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
Breaking: Aeromexico Airlines is changing its name
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY, D.F.) Mexico’s largest and longest-flying airline announced today that it is undergoing a complete corporate makeover.
Aeromexico Chief of Communications Rigoberto Saenz Bolillo explained in this statement:
We are going through a rebranding, and we are shedding our old name Aeromexico, and our logo, which evokes an Aztec Eagle warrior flying through the air. A flying Indio was frightening to the new type of upscale passenger we are going after, and that is why Aeromexico will now be known as GueroMexico.
Bolillo added:
Breaking: TX boy, 9, slays Mexican boogeyman El Cucuy, 521
(PNS reporting from SEGUIN, TX) A nine-year-old boy killed El Cucuy Tuesday night.
El Cucuy, AKA the Mexican Boogeyman, was pronounced dead at 10:30 PM at the Balli family residence here. The legendary monster was said to be 521, with a birth date pegged in 1492.
It was a more or less typical evening for the Balli family, according to a Guadalupe County Sheriff’s detective familiar with the case. There was no hint of the trouble to come, he said, “when boy’s parents threatened the perpetrator with El Cucuy if he didn’t brush his teeth before he went to bed.”
The youth, who turned nine July 13, refused, the officer said, so his parents summoned El Cucuy to the modest ranch-style home.
El Cucuy (file photo, above) manifested in the kid’s room around 9:40 PM, according to the investigator, and was killed during a brief firefight by “some type of particle-beam weapon” created by the boy.
The room was “a mess with comic books and plasma everywhere,” he said, and El Cucuy’s remains “looked and smelled like burnt frijoles.”
Mas…Breaking: TX boy, 9, slays Mexican boogeyman El Cucuy, 521
Mexican scientist reveals underground high speed travel system
(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Not to be outdone by Space X founder Elon Musk’s proposed high speed “Hyperloop” rail system, a Mexican engineer has plans to commercialize his country’s high speed travel infrastructure, a proprietary closed system that has been in operation for years.
Researchers and engineers in this high tech city in Mexico’s Silicon Barrio are not impressed with Musk’s Hyperloop, a system of people-sized pods that move through a network of air-free tubes built over or under the ground at speeds of up to 800 MPH.
“We have had almost the same method of transportation a very long time, so I do not understand what the big deal is,” Universidad de Guanajuato Prof. Carlos Sagañez told PNS Tuesday.
Mas…Mexican scientist reveals underground high speed travel system
‘Tears of God’ or dripping bug poop? Fresno tree has believers (video)
It’s across the street from St. John’s Cathedral in Fresno, CA. Maria Ybarra thinks it manifests a Godly miracle, dripping Holy Water from Heaven. A local tree expert says it’s aphid poop. The Archdiocese has no comment.
Pocho Ocho other smartphone alerts besides Amber Alerts
The Golden State’s smartphone users were startled late Monday night and early Tuesday morning as their phones buzzed, beeped and/or flashed an Amber Alert, the very first issued by the California Highway Patrol.
The Los Angeles Times reports:
It’s all thanks to the Wireless Emergency Alert program, a cellphone version of the Emergency Alert System that gives you the high-pitched test tone on your television.
Cellphone owners receive messages automatically, based on their proximity to the emergency, not based on their phone number.
And while accused kidnapper James Lee DiMaggio and kidnap victims Hannah Anderson, 16, and Ethan Anderson, 8, are still missing, cellphone owners have found that their iPhones, Androids and BlackBerries have the potential to issue alerts for all sorts of things.
Here are the Pocho Ocho potential alerts you probably weren’t aware of:
8. The Meta Amber Alert: Another Amber Alert is coming soon, so don’t freak the hell out
7. Like A Good Neighbor Alert: George Zimmerman just joined your Neighborhood Watch
6. Stinking Badges Alert: Sheriff Joe Arpaio is rounding up a posse
UFW vs UO: Corporate hipsters discover cool Chicano logo *UPDATED
In an incredibly outrageous and facepalming culture vulture move, the overpriced and underimaginative mall rat chain Urban Outfitters has done it again.
UO has willfully and bald-facedly swiped the iconic and pride-inducing United Farm Workers Union eagle logo and transformed it into crap denim shirt fodder for their slave-made clothing.
Wonderfully hipstery and ironic, que no, that clothing factory wage slaves in the Third World make a shirt with a logo that represents the struggle to improve migrant farmworkers’ lives in the U.S. so they are not slaving away in Third World working conditions.
Mas…UFW vs UO: Corporate hipsters discover cool Chicano logo *UPDATED
GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) As the Republican-controlled House of Representatives left town for a five-week paid vacation, GOP leaders warned members returning to their home districts to be on high alert because of unspecified “threats of liberalism.”
“These liberals are out there with their ‘logic and facts and science,’ and all our malarkey will Ben Ghazi in our faces if we’re not careful,” Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) cautioned in a memo to his partisans Friday.
“Members are urged to stay close to their vacation retreats in gate-guarded communities, hunting lodges, country clubs and private marinas,” Boehner wrote, “and avoid potentially hazardous areas that may harbor liberals and their sympathizers. College campuses, where Republicans can easily get bamboozled by Improvised Intellectual Debates (IIDs), are particularly dangerous.”
Mas…GOP alerts Congressmen on vacay to ‘looming threat of liberalism’
As the Duck Farts: El Pato demands POCHO retract ‘sketchy salsa’ story
An attorney who claims to represent Walker Foods, U.S. distributors of El Pato (The Duck) salsa, demanded Thursday that POCHO “retract and correct” parts of our story Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead, even though he acknowledges it is satire.
Downtown Los Angeles lawyer Robert M. Newell, Jr. also wants POCHO to “remove the contrived picture showing what purports to be a bottle of El Pato Salsa Picante bearing a skull and crossbones,” adding that the “story is puro pedo!” (The letter is below.)
Mas…As the Duck Farts: El Pato demands POCHO retract ‘sketchy salsa’ story
Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)
(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Now we know why child killer George Zimmerman was speeding through Texas with a gun in his vehicle — he was on his way to a new gig in Maricopa County, AZ.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio broke the news in a Tweet late Wednesday night: The sheriff has a new school patrol posse, and it includes Zimmerman, a failed cop wannabe.
Here’s a better picture of this new “sworn officer” (click to enlarge):
Mas…Sheriff Joe taps George Zimmerman for school posse (photos)
Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead
NBC reports that El Pato Salsa Picante has been withdrawn from the American market because tests found it was contaminated with lead. El Pato is just one of several Mexican salsa brands that contain the poisonous substance, according to scientists at the University of Nevada Las Vegas.
Of course, there’s no way lead is the only nasty in these little bottles. And sure enough — buried in footnotes at the bottom of the report — are the Pocho Ocho OTHER sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce:
8. The average Cholula bottle contains 10 micrograms per deciliter of the “Bacillus Botas Picudas”, an organic pathogen thought to be behind the craving for pointy boots.
7. Habaneros chiles may be the top ingredient in El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero, but lurking at the bottom of the list are 8.8 micrograms per deciliter of “Barba Habanera,” said to be a homeopathic solution of hair scraped from Comrade Fidel’s razor.
Mas…Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead
Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year
(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Lone Star State’s leading export — hateful white men — has reached new levels this year.
According to report released Friday by the Economic Institute of Texas, A Texas Export Snapshot, Texas consistently leads the nation in the export of hateful, misogynistic white men who also run state legislatures.
Texas exported 20% more TPCs (Texas Political Conservatives) in the first half of 2013 than than in the first two quarters of last year, with the trend continuing to accelerate. Over 11,000 TPCs have left Texas since January, they say.
Mas…Top Texas export, hateful white men, grows again this year
Woman is told ‘Cup O Noodles is not fideo,’ then gets dumped
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Paola Lopez’ dreams were shattered and her heart was broken Friday after she prepared sopa de fideo for her boyfriend, Sunny Vargas.
“I just thought it would be nice to make him a quick snack before we went out,” the 28-year-old woman tearfully recounted to PNS. “Then all of a sudden he got all mad and left me. He broke up with me in a text that night.”
The tragedy began Tuesday when Vargas, a sales representative for a Pico Rivera power tools importer and distributor, told Lopez that one of his favorite dishes (and thus a requirement to be considered “wife material”) was sopa de fideo, like his mom Victoria makes.
The shocking conclusion came Friday evening.
Mas…Woman is told ‘Cup O Noodles is not fideo,’ then gets dumped
Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar
Benjamin Medrano, 47, won Fresnillo’s July 7 election and will take office this September. His election — he is said to be the first openly-gay mayor in Mexico’s history — has led some observers to speculate that famously-macho Mexicans didn’t really know Medrano was gay, or didn’t believe him when he told them.
Hey, Zacatecas! Try these Pocho Ocho ways to calibrate your gaydar:
8. P.A.N. — not gay. P.R.I. — gay.
7. Maria del Barrio — not gay. Maria del Zona Rosa — gay.
6. Blue Demon — not gay. Santo Gay — gay.
Mas…Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar
Mexican paleontologists unearth 15-foot-long dinosaur tail (video)
It’s 72 million years old and really impressive, dug into the desert just across el otro lado from Texas. From the AP:
Mexican paleontologists say they have uncovered 50 vertebrae believed to be a full dinosaur tail in the northern desert of Coahuila state. The National Institute of Anthropology and History [INAH] says the tail is about 15 feet (5 meters) long and resembles that of a hadrosaur or crested duckbill dinosaur…. Paleontologist Felisa Aguilar says they uncovered roughly half of the dinosaur, which was 36 feet (12 meters) long and lived about 72 million years ago.
Mas…Mexican paleontologists unearth 15-foot-long dinosaur tail (video)
Breaking: Royal baby boy looks a bit familiar somehow (photo)
(PNS reporting from LONDON) Normally perky Buckingham Palace Her Majesty’s Parking Valet Reymundo Hernandez Terraza was uncharacteristically quiet today after the birth of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s new baby boy, although some friends of the royal servant noticed he sported a “secret smile.”
Some Palace observers have remarked on the newborn’s apparent slight suntan, attributing the child’s skin tone to Britain’s recent heat wave, when temperatures soared into the high 60s.
Mas…Breaking: Royal baby boy looks a bit familiar somehow (photo)
Scary Naked Geraldo photo slashes ‘Walking While Black’ crime
(PNS reporting from FLORIDA) Neighborhood Watch volunteers across the nation’s gated communities are posting Twitter photos of Naked Geraldo to frighten off dangerous junk food-toting hoodie-wearing kids.
Award-winning journalist Geraldo Rivera, who proclaimed in his initial Tweet that “Seventy is the new Sexty,” snapped the nude photo of himself in the bathroom in order to fight the rampant scourge of black teen crime.
In the wake of the child-killer George Zimmerman’s acquittal in the homicide of Trayvon Martin, the support for crushing “Black On Sidewalk” crime has been boosted by law abiding citizens everywhere, and the Naked Geraldo photo has been a big help.
Mas…Scary Naked Geraldo photo slashes ‘Walking While Black’ crime