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Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

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(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) Reese Witherspoon trotted out her East L.A. roots over the weekend after her husband was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.

“Who do you think you are?” Reese demanded during the traffic stop. “You can’t treat my man like that! Do you know who I am? If you don’t know now, you will soon, cabrón! Ain’t nobody mess with my man but me!”

Witnesses said Witherspoon’s head bobbed back and she waved her arms erratically.

From the police report:

Mas…Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops

Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

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It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):

If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.

“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

CDC health warning: Small pipi syndrome hits middle-aged men

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Centers for Disease Control is warning of an emerging epidemic hitting middle-aged men who have just begun to go bald and gain weight.

Medical experts are terming the new outbreak “small pipi syndrome” and the list of symptoms is alarming:

Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

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Jar of Herdez Salsa Casera(PNS reporting from OXNARD, CA) Sam Fuentes is certain he and his kids would be dead today if God hadn’t intervened.

“The Lord Almighty — with a strong hand and an outstretched arm — saved us from the Grim Reaper, that’s for sure!” the Del Norte businessman and father of two told PNS. “That salsa coulda killed us, but it didn’t.”

Fuentes called the POCHO ñewsroom tipline (408-POCHO-28) to share his story.

The brush with death by salsa, his voicemail said, began Sunday morning after church when he began preparing pot roast for his children Selena, 9, and Chente, 11, who were “his” over the weekend per terms of the custody agreement with his ex-wife Evangelina.

“I got the recipe right off the Internets from the Herdez gente. I trust Herdez Salsa Casera. I have toda confianza, just like the label says. It’s Mexico’s favorite and my mom always swore by it,” Fuentes said:

Mas…Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning

Angry Tejanos demand British Museum return Freddy Fender’s wig

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) Tejanos want singer Freddy Fender’s wig back.

The Música Committee of the Narciso Martinez Cultural Arts Center in San Benito last week demanded the British Museum effect “the immediate return of this important Tejano cultural item.”

The salt-and-pepper Afro-style toupee, called “Freddy’s Fro,” disappeared from the singer’s home shortly after his death in 2006 and reappeared this winter in the Museum’s “Ethnic Minorities in the United States” exhibit on a mannequin of the singer, best known for his 1970s’ hit Wasted Days and Wasted Nights.

Mas…Angry Tejanos demand British Museum return Freddy Fender’s wig

Breaking: Jan Brewer signs bill banning Chechen Studies

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(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Gov. Jan Brewer has signed into law a bill banning the state’s schools from teaching Chechen Studies classes, defined as history, anthropology and literature courses designed to teach the stories, histories, struggles and triumphs of the Chechen people through their own unique perspectives.

The bill (HB2013) passed by the Legislature states that schools will lose state funding if they offer any courses that “promote the overthrow of the U.S. government, promote resentment of a particular race or class of people, are designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group, advocate ethnic solidarity or just plain educate the students.”

Mas…Breaking: Jan Brewer signs bill banning Chechen Studies

Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling

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cacaprotest

(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO, CA) With defiant shouts of “Don’t Cauc me, bro!” and “Chechnya? I just metchnya!” dozens of Caucasian-Americans filled the corners of city parks and the edges of town squares across the Nation Sunday to protest what they call “illegal racial profiling” against Caucasians.

The identification of two Caucasian-American suspects in the Boston Marathon bombings has resulted in both nasty words and police harassment, they claim.

Mas…Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling

CNN identifies three Mexican mujeres wanted for Boston bombings

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(PNS reporting from BOSTON) CNN has identified the three Mexican women suspected of the Marathon bombing, sources say:

Three obese Mexican women…are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack.

“My top-level sources have confirmed that the individuals depicted in these photos planned, coordinated, and put into effect this week’s deadly bombing,” said CNN reporter John King, speaking of the trio of overweight Hispanic women, two of whom reportedly died in the late 1990s and one of whom has never actually visited the United States.

Mas…CNN identifies three Mexican mujeres wanted for Boston bombings

Scanning for Mexicans? How about puro pocho ringtones! (audio)

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Our amigos at Latino Rebels tipped us off to a brewing controversy about a South Park audio clip being used as a ringtone. On South Park they were “scanning for Mexicans.”

We decided cellphones needed some puro pocho ringtones, so we made four ringtones — dare we call them POCHOTONES? — starring Cheech Marin, Edward J. Olmos, Alfonso Bedoya and George Lopez.

Download and share (.mp3 format):

Mas…Scanning for Mexicans? How about puro pocho ringtones! (audio)

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) warned Wednesday that “radical Islamists” are being “trained to act like Hispanic[s]” and cross the U.S.-Mexico border.

“We know Al Qaeda, which has changed its name to Al Pastor, has camps with the drug cartels over there on the other side of the Mexican border,” he warned on C-SPAN.

“Arabs are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanics instead of radical Islamists. They teach them to say ‘homeboy’ instead of ‘habibi,’ they show them how to watch ‘telenovelas’ instead of Bin Laden videos. It’s pure evil!”

Mas…Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat

Breaking: Immigration plan includes MIGRA clone army

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The “Gang of Eight” immigration reform plan revealed yesterday mandates a Border Patrol Agent Clone Army, according to details released by Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL.)

“Two hundred thousand clones are immediately available for deployment on the border” when the bill passes, a jubilant Rubio said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. “The minute Obama signs the bill, we’ll send in the clones!”

Mas…Breaking: Immigration plan includes MIGRA clone army

Immigration Reform 2013: Where exactly is the ‘reform’ part? (video)

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The long-anticipated “comprehensive immigration reform bill” is set to be introduced to the public by a bi-partisan group of legislators today.

What exactly is the “Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act of 2013?”

The compromise proposal won’t cover all the people here without legal status, for one thing, nor will it create a lasting change — reform — of the immigration system.

What it will do, though, is line the pockets of security contractors via $3 billion dollars for “border security.”

Mas…Immigration Reform 2013: Where exactly is the ‘reform’ part? (video)

Pocha Podcast #2: Sexism, feminism, football and IT (NSFW audio)

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Pochas Elise Roedenbeck and me, Sara Inés Calderón, have a grand old time talking about sexism and feminism. Isn’t it interesting that, even though the U.S. had a “feminist movement,” we have never elected a woman president, and the wage gap between men and women in Latin America is smaller than it is here?

And other sexist stuff: What about football, how sexist is that, ey? And IT? Being a woman in the U.S. may seem like fun and games, given that whole reproductive rights discussion, but there are some downsides.

Mas…Pocha Podcast #2: Sexism, feminism, football and IT (NSFW audio)

PNS*Hot*Flash: California Gov. Jerry Brown bans big burritos

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(PNS reporting from SACRAMENTO) Repeating his “small is beautiful” mantra from the 1970s, California Gov. Jerry Brown has taken steps to ban burritos that weigh more than one pound.

“We’re facing an obesity epidemic in the Golden State,” Brown told a press conference here this morning, “and I wouldn’t be the guy who shtupped Latina Linda Ronstadt back in the day if I didn’t travel to the beat of a different drum.”

Brown has issued an executive order directing inspectors from Cal/OSHA (the California Occupational Hazard and Safety Administration) to cite and penalize restaurants that serve massive San Francisco-style “Mission burritos.”

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: California Gov. Jerry Brown bans big burritos

Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

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Happy Tax Day, pochos! This week on MiJA I discuss the near conclusion of back-room negotiations on immigration “reform” and delve deep into the heart of the Internets to discover Barbies of the World. You think Mexican Barbie is bad — Peruvian Barbie comes with an anchor baby (and she’s not the worst of them!)

Mas…Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘MiJA Weekly’ Tax Day Espectacular 4.15.13 (video)

First Person: My moment with Marco Rubio and his big Cuban butt

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I remember the high school student version of Marco Rubio, with his neatly-pressed shirts always tucked in, his toothy smile and his bleached white socks. But most of all, I remember his butt.

The Cuban man butt holds a special place in my heart — it’s a thing of wonder and mystery. Why Cuban men have big butts I may never know. However, there are some gifts you just don’t question. You don’t look a gift butt in the mouth.

We only had one brief encounter, Marco and me. For months I had watched him from the other end of the cafeteria at South Miami Senior High School. He’d drink 7-Up and laugh with his friends about Michael Dukakis. I never had the nerve to say much of anything. Until that day.

Mas…First Person: My moment with Marco Rubio and his big Cuban butt

PNS*Hot*Flash: Prep classmates call Kim Jong Un ‘a fun dude’

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(PNS reporting from SWITZERLAND) North Korean strongman Kim Jong Un is actually “a fun dude,” according to his classmates at the elite Swiss prep school Institut Le Rosey.

The five 1998 grads are planning to endorse Kim (yearbook photo, right) on his LinkedIn and Klout accounts before he starts a nuclear war next week.

They were all close friends at the international boarding school, said to be the world’s most expensive, which has traditionally educated the children of world leaders.

“Kim is totally awesome and hella bro,” classmate Chip Al-Assad told PNS in a Skype conference call Friday.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Prep classmates call Kim Jong Un ‘a fun dude’

Tia Lencha sues Mattel over ‘Mexican Barbie’: They estole me!

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(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) Tia Lencha, the homemaker and divorced mother of one who stars in the homespun internet hit “Tia Lencha’s Cocina,” is suing Mattel over its “Mexican Barbie” doll, seeking $750,000 in damages.

Tia Lencha’s federal lawsuit, filed in New York Monday, claims the toymaker is “engaging in the unauthorized use of (her) wardrobe, likeness, image and attributes” as a woman who wears Mexican folkloric dance outfits for no apparent reason.

Tia Lencha never gave Mattel permission to market the doll or use her endorsement to promote it, according to the filing.

The suit says that Tia Lencha has cornered the market on being unrealistically Mexican and that the doll “captures the essence of the stereotypically stereotypical Mexican lady as well as her sideways ponytail and flower adornment on her head.”

Mas…Tia Lencha sues Mattel over ‘Mexican Barbie’: They estole me!

Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

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(PNS reporting from OUTER ESPACE) Let that long-held breath out, folks. The Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer has picked up a lot of mysterious antimatter in low Earth orbit recently – but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a sign of falling Mexi-matter, AKA “Space Mexicans” falling to Earth, according to NASA.

In fact, even with the 400,000 pocho-particles picked up by the cosmic ray experiment – the largest number of such particles ever analyzed in outer espace — it’s unclear whether those pocho-particles result from decaying Mexicans left over from building the International Space Station, or simply from Mexicans shot into space from various border patrol agencies over the year.

The ambitious $1.6-billion Alpha Mexnetic Spectrometer is roughly 10 times more sensitive to Meximatter than its predecessors. The detector, which was ferried on the Space Shuttle Endeavour (also built by Mexicans) to the International Space Station in 2011, has picked up billions of pocho-particles since then.

Mas…Mexicans falling to Earth from space? Not to worry, scientists say

AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

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Associated Press (AP), the cooperative news service used by print, broadcast and online media, today dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from its stylebook:

‘Illegal immigrant’ no more
Posted on 04/02/2013 by Paul Colford
The AP Stylebook today is making some changes in how we describe people living in a country illegally.

Senior Vice President and Executive Editor Kathleen Carroll explains the thinking behind the decision:

The Stylebook no longer sanctions the term “illegal immigrant” or the use of “illegal” to describe a person. Instead, it tells users that “illegal” should describe only an action, such as living in or immigrating to a country illegally…. [Continued at AP]

But that’s not all! Here are the Pocho Ocho other designations dropped by AP:

8. Chancla-throwers

7. Elote-eaters

6. Paleta people

Mas…AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

PNS*Hot*Flash: Alumni magazine gives Encino man the sad

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(PNS reporting from ENCINO) San Fernando Valley homeowner Donald Murietta was depressed most of   Saturday afternoon after reading the latest issue of The Pennsylvania Gazette, the alumni magazine of the University of Pennsylvania.

Murietta, a 1998 Penn graduate, first turned to the obituary section when the glossy monthly arrived with the 2PM mail delivery, and that’s when his ball-breaking downer began.

News of the February 12 death (a tragic fish-pickling accident in Rochester, NY) of old girlfriend Leslie Sonnenshein (nee Baldwin), Class of 1999, set off a cascade of emotions that started at the top with their intense makeout session at that SAE party after the Princeton game and ended at the bottom with a very public breakup in the Van Pelt Library right before Christmas, which was totally his fault because he fucked that girl Candi.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Alumni magazine gives Encino man the sad

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