El Now

It’s News to Us!

It’s Cesar Chavez’s birthday, and Google threw a Doodle party

by

Late Saturday night, as I searched for some historical images for a new history book I’m illustrating, I saw that Google had finally honored farm labor icon Cesar Chavez with their “Google Doodle.”

My first thought (and tweet) was, “Brace yourselves for anti-Mexican, anti-immigrant, anti-Cesar Chavez racist hate from internet Christians on their Holy Day.”  Faster than you could pull up a thousand images of the Mexican-American hero on Google Images, the harsh comments started rolling in.

As I called it, a few hateful internet Christians declared jihad on Google because it’s not a Jesus Christ Doodle or their main religious figure, the Easter Bunny (historical image below). 

Mas…It’s Cesar Chavez’s birthday, and Google threw a Doodle party

Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK) [audio]

by

Meet Congressman Don Young, a Republican from Alaska, who just called agricultural laborers who once worked on his father’s ranch “wetbacks.”

In a radio interview Thursday with KRDB this fine American legislator was full of the kind of wisdom that has inspired the deep thoughts of his homegirl, Sarah Palin, and assorted white power NRA-voting posses, militias and tea parties across the U.S. of A.

A three-second clip is at the bottom of this story. Play it here or download it and make it into a ring tone, or an auto-tuned viral meme! Thanks to KRDB for the audio. Oh, and here are the phone numbers for all the Congressman’s offices.

Mas…Hey, wetbacks! Meet Rep. Don Young (R-AK)

Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

by

(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Pedro Quezada, the Garden State bodega owner who won Saturday’s $338 million Powerball jackpot, says his old life of selling Flamin’Hot Cheetos and malt liquor is all behind him now and he now plans a future helping those in need.

The Dominican immigrant, who purchased the lottery ticket at Eagle Liquor in Passaic, didn’t know the store had sold the lucky ducat or that he was the big winner when he went to check, he told PNS in an interview Thursday.

“When they looked, the clerk at the counter told me congratulations,” Quezada said. “Then he said we were cousins, even though he is a Hindu gentleman.” 

Mas…Powerball lottery winner Pedro Quezada plans to help the needy

I’m not that all that into marriage, but I support marriage equality

by

I was at a party the other night when a group of women asked me how long I’ve been with my boyfriend. Oh boy.

I told them six years and braced myself for the onslaught of “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED! HE NEEDS TO GIVE YOU A RING! BLABLABLABLA” and so on and so forth.

As a woman who consciously chooses not to get married, I’m constantly dealing with this sort of thing. People just don’t understand why.

Is my boyfriend a commitment-phobe? Are we swingers? Are we not serious? Never are we thought of as a happy stable couple content to just enjoy each other’s company.

No, something must be wrong with us.

Mas…I’m not that all that into marriage, but I support marriage equality

PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

by

(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) The media may question the newly-elected pontiff’s ethnicity, but Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio firmly believes that Pope Francis is Latino.

“His real name is Jorge and he speaks Spanish. I’m damn sure he is a Latino; he’s probably a Mexican, ” Arpaio told the monthly breakfast meeting of the Sons of the Arizona Indian Wars Wednesday.

Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Sheriff Joe ‘damn sure’ Pope Francis is Latino

GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

by

(PNS reporting from NEW YERSEY) Literally hours after Dominican immigrant Pedro Quezada won the $338 million New Jersey Powerball jackpot Saturday, the Republican Party announced that the years 2013-2023 will be known as the Decade of the Dominican.

The news was met with universal cynicism, and is seen as the latest in a series of floundering attempts by the party to attract new minority members to its ranks.

“We are really thrilled for Mr. Quezada, as this is the first time in years a Dominican in New Jersey has raised his hands over his head without being surrounded by police,” said African-American GOP spokesman Sam Beau.

“Plus, the fact that he is named ‘Pedro’ makes it easier for us to remember his name.”

Mas…GOP marks ‘Decade of the Dominican’ after immigrant’s Powerball win

Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

by

(PNS reporting from ALLENTOWN) If you’re a fan of the baseball minor league IronPigs in Pennsylvania’s Lehigh Valley, urine luck next time you catch a home game at Coca-Cola Park in Allentown.

The urinals in the men’s rooms at the stadium now feature pee-powered video game consoles where writing your name as a high scorer is just a zip away.

WPVI Channel 6 Action News in nearby Philadelphia explains:

The screen above the urinal goes into game mode when the user approaches. The games, including alpine skiing, monitor the user’s aim to test their agility and knowledge.

Users will receive their score upon completion, which officials say is an average of over 55 seconds.

Users with high scores will be happy to know that they will be displayed in real-time across various videoboard displays within Coca-Cola Park.

Mas…Pee-powered urinal game consoles make splash at Coca-Cola Park

Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

by


In a much-criticized move, Mexico has finished construction of the border wall to keep out assholes from the United Estates.

American officials were mum after their own calls for more enforcement on this side of the border, but some politicians are mad enough to consider canceling their own Mexican spring break vacations.

Mas…Mexico builds border wall to keep out assholes from the U.S.A. (video)

Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

by

Farmworkers showing up at Honduras Congressman Valentin Suárez’ farm near Comayagua last week “found dozens of dead sheep with injuries to their necks. Others had bled to death. Nearly 42 animals were lifeless and another 10 injured,” according to the Inexplicata blog, translating a report from Honduras’ La Prensa:

The cost of each animal is between 1000 and 1,500 lempiras [$50-75]…. Suarez said that the farm’s staff will keep a nocturnal watch in the hopes of finding any clue that may clarify the situation.

Mas…Did chupacabras kill 42 sheep on Honduras congressman’s farm?

Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

by

I remember being 16. I was stupid…but not that stupid.

I keep thinking about the Steubenville rape case and I can’t get the phrase “What the fuck is wrong with you people?” out of my head.

People aren’t sure who to blame, whether it’s a larger problem that encompasses the parents, the football culture, the entire town. You can chalk it up and say, “Oh they’re just young teens being stupid,” but the truth is, by the time you are 17 you are grown-ass-up enough to know right from wrong.

Mas…Steubenville: I was 16, drunk and stupid too, but not morally bankrupt

Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

by

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Master flip-flopper Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) now supports allowing undocumented immigrants to remain in the United States, receive legal status and eventually apply to become citizens, just so long as he can call them “chili-choking pepper bellies” and they provide lawn service to his friends and family.

But Paul said he would rather not use the term “pathway to citizenship” because it makes him feel “soft” and he feels he should be “hard.” On immigration.

“I think we’re trapped. I mean, I hate these goddamn people. They disgust me and make me my and my dad’s skin crawl. And believe me, it takes a lot to make that bastard’s skin crawl. I’d like nothing more them to send them to the frickin’ moon but the immigration debate has been trapped and it’s been polarized by two terms: ‘path to citizenship’ and ‘amnesty,'” Rand told reporters on a conference call Tuesday.

Mas…Rand Paul: Don’t call my plan ‘Pathway to Citizenship’

History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

by

(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) The creators of the miniseries The Bible and the History Channel are denying reports that the character Satan intentionally resembles President Barack Obama.

Producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey dismissed what they called “ridiculous” reports that their mini-series cast the ultimate villain with an actor looked like the President.

“This is utter nonsense. The actor who played Satan, Mehdi Ouzaani, is a highly acclaimed Moroccan actor,” they said in a statement released today.

“He has previously played parts in several Biblical epics– including dark-skinned Kenyan socialist Marxist dictators, and other Satanic characters long before Barack Obama was elected as our treasonous, drone-launching Black Panther President.”

Mas…History Channel asserts that Obama Satan portrayal is ‘unbiased’

GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

by

(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Reeling from back-to-back presidential losses and struggling to cope with the country’s changing racial and ethnic makeup, the Republican National Committee plans to spend $10 million this year to send hundreds of party workers in white sheets into Hispanic communities to promote its brand.

With Operation Wetback 2016, the committee hopes putting a fresh face on the same old racism will help them net more Hispanic voters.

“Hispanics are so lazy and slow-witted that they won’t be able to do the deep investigation required to see that our effort is a complete and utter sham,” GOP committee head Reince Priebus declared on Meet the Press. “We won’t change any of our hateful and xenophobic policies, but we will definitely alter our marketing pitches to this unambitious, burrito-brained demographic.”

Mas…GOP to spend $10 million further alienating minorities

Father Guido Sarducci: Afraid of poison, Pope Francis cooks own food

by

Vatican Correspondent for the Vatican Enquirer Father Guido Sarducci called in on Special Assignment Friday afternoon to the Pocho Hour of Power radio show on KPFK.

Father Sarducci, who we all first met on Saturday Night Live, gave a behind-the-velvet-robe look into the recent Papal Conclave in Rome. Hear him dish on the plans for The Pope Emeritus and hear what Pope name Father Sarducci himself would have taken, if called to higher service.

Holy smoke signal, this is funny!

PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope ‘Don’ Francisco I swaps Latino for Latin

by

BREAKING ÑEWS: (PNS reporting from THE VATICAN) With the selection of Argentine Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio as Pope “Call Me Don” Francisco I, winds of change are blowing from the Western and Southern Hemispheres to refresh the stale air of Rome.

The first big change, PNS has learned, is the gradual replacement of Latin in church communications and prayers with the more widely-spoken and understood Latino language.

Other expected changes:

Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

by

The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting  other aspects of American government.

Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:

8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays

7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000

6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week

Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

by

The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope.  In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.

Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”

But that’s not all!  Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:

8. Green smoke:  Habemus frogam

7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous

6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?

Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

+ Load More Posts