It’s News to Us!
Happy Presidents Day from Mija Weekly! This week: the State of the Union is doomed! Also, I say adios to el Popa and hello to some ruby red slippers. Last, don’t forget it’s Lent (avoid pork chops and cruise ships.)
Mas…Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘Mija Weekly’ breaks the ñews 02.18.13 (video)
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner’s wallet was found at the Russian meteor crash site, according to an LAPD statement issued here today.
Although the Los Angeles Police Department does not have an explanation for how the charred wallet ended up on the meteor, observers note the theory supports the “Magic Wallet” theory the LAPD is using to explain how Dorner’s wallet and ID were simultaneously found on a boat in San Diego, at the San Ysidro border and intact in the ashes of the burned out cabin at Big Bear.
Mas…LAPD finds Christopher Dorner wallet at Russian meteor crash site
(PNS reporting from MEXICO) This just in: The Yucatán Peninsula is sending thoughts and prayers to the people of the Ural Mountains of Russia impacted by today’s meteorite. “Sixty-six million years ago, one of those pinche asteroids hit me and killed my dinosaurs,” Yucatan told reporters at a hastily-called press conference. “I am still upset about it.” The Yucatán Peninsula is planning a concert with Juanes and Pitbull to raise funds for the Russian people.
The UFO/OVNI sightings of bright lights flying into Mexico City’s Popocateptl volcano — the ones authorities said were optical illusions last time around — have shown up on TV news again.
And peep this video of what appears to be the Mothership flying over Santa Clarita, northwest of Los Angeles:
Mas…UFO/OVNI sightings over Popocatepetl, Santa Clarita CA (videos)
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) sure drank a lot of Poland Spring® water during his Republican State of the Union rebuttal speech Tuesday night.
Here are the pocho ocho reasons the GOP’s Great Brown Hope was so thirsty:
8. He’s a pinche mojado
7. Global warming
6. He finds this bullshit hard to swallow himself
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons GOP Sen. Marco Rubio drank so much water
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) With gun nut Ted Nugent (a tragic victim of Cat Scratch Fever) in the House, and rogue cop Christopher Dorner‘s fate still unclear, President Obama took no chances when he delivered the State of the Union Address here Tuesday night, replacing the customary American flag pin on his lapel with a custom button.
Click on the photo to enlarge ☛
Mas…With Ted Nugent in the House, Obama takes no chances (photo)
Hola Gueyes! This is my Live Tweet/State of the Union response chingadera. Will someone please get me a water, that bottle I’m looking at is right out of reach. CHINGAO!
MEXIPHONE CHECK, JUAN TU, JUAN TU
HIJOLE EL TWITTER IS ESLOW, IT’S MORE CLOGGED THAN THE TOILET AT EL TORITO
HEY OBAMA, STOP TOUCHING THE CROWD, YOU ARE NOT LL COOL J
THE ESTATE OF THE UNION ESTA CHINGADA
IT IS OUR YENERATION’S TASK TO IGNITE DORNER’S CABIN
FREE ENTERPRISE ISN’T FOR FREELOADERS
Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney: The Estate of the Union esta chingada
(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.
Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”
“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.
Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child
(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope.
The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, will feature clergy from around the world competing for the coveted next Pope slot.
Fox Director of Religious Programming Norm Inepatri says “Pope” will keep many of the same sets and challenges as the “Pimp” show including biggest ring, flashiest hat, sweetest ride and smoothest money collection approach.
While law enforcement officers throughout Southern California search for fugitive ex-cop Christopher Jordan Dorner, POCHO has unearthed eight key factors which tie Dorner’s story to the controversial “Magical Negro” character popularized in Hollywood movies.
8. He is similar in build to the guy from The Green Mile.
7. He deals out creepy retribution to crooked cops.
6. He fulfills the requirement of morally edifying an Anglo character, in this case by sending Anderson Cooper an explanatory letter about LAPD corruption.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons rogue ex-cop Dorner may be a Hollywood trope
It’s Valentine’s Day on Mija Weekly! Fall in love with drones, skimpy outfits, and learn the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. Try not to go into a diabetic coma.
Mas…Ñewsweek: Elise Roedenbeck’s ‘Mija Weekly’ 02.11.13 (video)
Oh sure old age, weakness, lack of energy, blah blah blah. From our homeboy inside the Vatican, the Jesuit formerly known as Lil Stanky, here are the Infallible VIII reasons Pope Benedict XVI really resigned:
VIII Not down with the red Gucci slippers
VII Wants to spend more time with the kids
VI Time to start his jihad against the LAPD
(PNS reporting from London) This just in: Controversial Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from the papacy making him the first pope to abdicate in over 600 years. His resignation coincidentally coincides with the first real investigation of Vatican child sex abuse in over 600 years. Benedict, the pope formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, will retire to his native Bavaria and is looking forward to taking long vacations with German friends to Thailand, the Philippines and Malaysia.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican
Here’s a video about the album Imaginaries by East Los Angeles band Quetzal, which won a Grammy in the “Latin rock, urban or alternative album” category Sunday night.
And here’s an actual Quetzal music video called This Is My Home about East Los:
Hey, all you Hispanics! We’re sorry — it was a big mistake. Ha ha ha, a joke gone bad. No, a mistake. You know those Illegal Immigrant Hunting Permit stickers we were selling in our Colorado gas stations with convenience stores managed by that national convenience store conglomerate that ordered the shiny multi-colored bumper stickers from a Kansas “novelty” manufacturer?
Mas…‘Illegal Immigrant Hunting Permits’ were a mistake, so sorry (video)
The Republican Party has jumped on the immigration reform bandwagon with their own “Path to Citizenship” proposals. Here are the GOP’s pocho ocho ways undocumented residents can get legal:
8. Mow Mitt Romney’s lawn
7. Pose for publicity photo with AZ Gov. Jan Brewja
6. Pretend you’re “Hispanic” for the CIA
Mas…Mexclusive: Pocho Ocho steps on the GOP’s ‘Path to Citizenship’
In a video uploaded Tuesday, and since widely-republished, a Native American pushing a baby in a stroller educates a crowd of Tucson, AZ anti-immigration demonstrators about who is really American and who is an alien invader. (NSFW language.)
The Ronald Reagan Library celebrated the 40th president’s 102nd birthday today by releasing this never-before-seen archival footage of Reagan in action during the height of the 1986 Iran-Contra Scandal.
Revered by neo-cons, ex-cons and decepticons as a doting old Weeble, Reagan is considered by many as the ultimate con. The Gipper’s birthday is celebrated in the United States, the Middle East and Central America as a National Day of Lying.
Mas…Reagan Library releases rare video to mark Gipper’s 102nd birthday
Que lastima!
Someone estole Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s identity and used his name to purchase groceries in Chicago. The Maricopa, AZ sheriff, unlike the pochodores here in the POCHO ñewsroom, was not amused.
We have a lot of things we’d like to purchase with Sheriff Joe’s moneh, and here are the top eight:
8. Taco USA by POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano
7. ¡Ban This! by POCHO Florida Burro Jefe Santino J. Rivera
6. 2013 Good Luck Cartoon Calendar by POCHO Jefe Lalo Alcaraz
Mas…Pocho Ocho things to charge on your new Sheriff Joe MasterCard
North Korea’s Glorious Space Program, launched by Eternally Alive Fearless Leader Kim Jong-Il, has crushed the American Capitalist Running Dogs, destroyed flag-shrouded New York City, all while you sleep, accompanied by the luscious sounds of the Marxist Muzak Orchestra playing We Are the World — and we’ve got video!
Mas…North Korean space shuttle attacks U.S., Manhattan on fire (video)
(PNS reporting from FLUSHING, N.Y.) This just in: Long Island dry cleaner Beau Riqua was an unhappy man this morning when he prevented nurses from administering an enema prescribed by his doctor. Riqua, who was visiting internist Dr. Lee Cuado with concerns about bloating, was upset that Cuado, a longtime friend, recommended this delicate procedure.
“That charlatan is just getting revenge because he lost $500 to me on a Super Bowl bet,” says Riqua, “so now he’s on my list. Go Ravens!”
Caption this photo in the comments section below. Reportedly it was posted to Twitter by AZ Cardinals’ wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald.
This week on Mija Weekly I discuss immigration and la ganga de ocho, Obama’s love of skeet, and I celebrate Black History Month Peruvian style — all while battling the flu!
Don’t forget to leave me your comments below; I promise I’m not contagious.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) This just in: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has introduced a bill to shorten February to 26 days. Cantor says February is getting too “uppity” and two of its days should be given to April, which he claims is being discriminated against as “the cruellest month,” because it features the observance of “Confederate History Month” and “Patriots Day.” The bill also aims to cancel leap years, just to be a dick.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days
I wrote a uke song called “White Men Are Good” and sang it at a comedy club about 4 years ago. I could feel the audience tense up. Why? Why is there a Black History Month but not a White History Month? Now, that the white race is becoming a minority in America, perhaps we need to make…say, January, White History Month.
The New York Times says, “White births are no longer a majority in the United States.”
I’m just really tired of the white male, and especially the white conservative, Christian male being attacked in cartoons, movies, TV shows, politics, Affirmative Action, etc. It’s like in order to fix the “discrimination” problem, culture flipped the racism from “against blacks” to “against whites”. Why do we have to be “against” anyone? Aren’t we all equal?
Mas…Victoria Jackson: What we need is a ‘White History Month’
Will a Republican shift on immigration help them with Hispanic voters? The Daily Show’s Senior Latino Correspondent Al Madrigal is in Jon Stewart’s His Panic Room as they explore the GOP’s Nuevo Deal. Jessica Williams sneaks in to assist. DISCLOSURE: Madrigal is also POCHO’s Migrant Editor.
GOP leaders are undergoing sensitivity training as they re-evaluate immigration reform. Too often, insiders say, Republicans’ choice of words has hidden their true love for Latinos.
“Tone and rhetoric will be key,” is the message from Jennifer Korn, executive director of the Hispanic Leadership Network. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA), who chairs the GOP’s Vendido Caucus, champions “a kinder, gentler racism.”
Top Republicans will receive a list of phrases that should never, ever be used when discussing immigration reform. Here are the pocho ocho things NEVER to say:
8. Git’ back in your beaner-mobile!
7. Speak inglish you ‘ignant brownie.
6. We ain’t need no anchor babies.
Mas…From the ‘new’ GOP: Pocho Ocho things we shouldn’t say to Latinos
We know some of you are morons or racists or both. Different strokes, meng, different strokes. It’s cool. Here’s a transcript of the speech on immigration that Bronco Bama just delivered in Las Vegas, translated into easy-to-understand Moron. Just for you!
(APPLAUSE)
Dank you. It is good t’ be back in Las Begas.
And it is good t’ be among so many good friends. Let – let me start off by dankigg ebehybody at Del Sol High School f’ hostigg us.
(APPLAUSE)
Go Dragons. Let me especial dank your outstandigg principal, Lisa Primos (ph).
(APPLAUSE)
Dehe are all kinds of notaggle guests hehe, uh uh uh, but I dgust want t’ minion a few. Firss of all, our outstandigg secret of de Departmin of Homeland Security, Dganet Napolitano, is hehe.
Mas…Heya morons! Click HERE for Obama immigration speech transcript
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) It took a lot of burning sage, cedar, sweetgrass and tobacco, but Tymangoua, the first Native American murdered by a gun in what is now the United States, delivered a message from the spirit world to Washington:
Getting shot and killed sucks!
Indigenous Peoples Against Gun Violence (IPAG) introduced Tymangoua to a press conference here Monday.
IPAG president Lauren Ko’n-Za explained:
Gun violence is not a recent phenomenon. It has existed for hundreds of years and indigenous people like Taymangoua were the first victims. Tymangoua was murdered on Sept. 14, 1513, by Spanish sailors looking to enslave him on the shores of Biscayne Bay in what is now Miami.
