It’s News to Us!
Sofia the First, Disney’s new animated princess is a Latina, hooray! Wait, she’s not a Latina? Well, then who is Disney’s Latina princess? Princess Malinche, you say? Orale!
Another ñewsweek at POCHO meant princesses, the Gap’s taste in t-shirts, Mitt’s taste in short shorts, Fidel Castro is still not dead, Donald Trump is still a jerk and more.
The links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Meet Princess Malinche, beat the Gap, Fidel’s not dead
Fidel Castro is still alive, you imperialist running dogs, and we’ve got photos to prove it. That was the message from Cuba’s official Communist Party newspaper Granma this week as rumors swirled that the ailing dictator had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated. Granma published this photo of Fidel on his prison island reading his own Mainstream Media.
But wait, there’s more! Here’s a selection of photos published by Cuban entertainment weekly Che Paso:
Mas…Cuba releases photos to show Comrade Fidel is not dead yet
Mitt is the MC with the moneh, byotch! (NSFW at all.)
Why worry about sending bogus mailers and erecting hateful billboards to suppress poor, minority, elderly and student voters? The Republican National Committee’s VoteRite app makes it easy! iPhone and Android compatible. (NSFW language.)
We have a question for Donald Trump:
Where is your 1968 college graduation photo? It’s not in your college yearbook, the University of Pennsylvania Record.
You’ve written that you were “very glad to get finished.” Too busy for a senior photo?
The Record also notes the Celebrity Apprentice performer comes from someplace called “Jamaica” in New York State, which doesn’t sound very American.
Come clean, Donald: Did you really graduate like you claim? And if you did, where is your photo? How about a diploma?
Otherwise, you’re fired!
“At his worst, Mr. Romney sounded like a beauty pageant contestant groping for an answer to the final question…” –Editorial, The New York Times.
NIGHT EDITOR! REPLACE THIS TEXT, REWRITE THE HEADLINE AND SWAP IN NEW IMAGES BEFORE WE GO LIVE.
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney met for their final debate here tonight and blah blah bah.
The two clashed over foreign policy with Romney accusing the president of herp, derp and zoool, and Obama countering that Romney really la la la I can’t hear you.
Staged in the retiree-heavy community of Rat Mouth, where eternally-flashing left-turn signals are the law of the land and the population lives on Early Bird Specials, the debate was declared a draw by people who weren’t paying attention and a total oratorical victory for Obama by everyone else.
Boca Raton and nearby communities of Delray and Boynton Beach are fetid humid swampland still unredeemed from the biting, itching and crawling creatures that call this their natural home. The area was only chosen as the debate venue because Jerry Seinfeld’s parents live nearby and wanted to come. PAGE BREAK HERE.
Mas…Attn Night Editor: Replace debate images, rewrite hed, update story
(PNS reporting from BURBANK) Now that an embarrassed Disney has explained that the animated character Princess Sofia the First is NOT a Latina princess, the studio was quick to announce that a real Latina princess is in the works, this time for a feature-length film.
Princess Malinche will be the heroine of Disney’s next animated film, due for release in the summer of 2014, according to a statement issued today.
The tentative cast already includes Catherine Zeta Jones as the voice of Malinche, Justin Bieber as Cortés and Paul Rodriguez as Fray Xicken.
The story of Malinche follows her idyllic upbringing in the then-Aztec empire in what is now Mexico during the early 1500s to her whirlwind romance with Spaniard Hernán Cortés, and finally to the epic drowning of her own children in the river.
Mas…Sofia not Latina? Disney preps real Latina princess: Meet Malinche
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) After the public outcry sparked by its “Manifest Destiny” t-shirt, the Gap is now cancelling its entire line of t-shirts in what was to be their signature “Final Solution” collection.
“Guess people aren’t as wild about genocide as we had hoped,” a Gap insider told PNS, “which is a damn shame.We had some great designs planned which we felt would appeal to the coveted ‘racist hipster douche’ demographic currently locked up by Urban Outfitters.”
The news came as a shock to loyal customers.
Mas…The Gap cancels entire ‘Final Solution’ line of t-shirts
These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO.
Award-winning Pocho Rican actress Rosie Perez released a video that explained how she is totally in agreement with Gov. Mitt Romney about how it SO helpful being Latino; Mexican-American Paul Rodriguez spoke up for the Rominator in a Spanish audio message we translated for you; and New Mexico was the setting for a sad story of the last unmodified 1964 Chevrolet Impala.
Mira los links:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Rosie tells Romney, Rodriguez backs Romney, RIP Impala
Mexican-born (just like his BFF’s dad!) actor and comedian Paul Rodriguez wants Latinos to vote for Gov. Mitt Romney in November and recorded 60 seconds of audio (below) to explain why. No habla Espanish? No problemo! We made this video with English titles so you can follow along.
Background footage via the Occupy Wall Street Archive.
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) Restrictions that kept Cubans from fleeing the island for half a century will be lifted, according to the Communist Party Central Committee’s official newspaper, Granma.
And in a candid interview, America’s favorite Latino rebel Fidel Castro was asked how he felt America would respond to the new policy and expected exodus. He replied simply: “Fuck ‘em.”
“As part of the work under way to update the current migratory policy and adjust it to the conditions of the present and the foreseeable future, the Cuban government, in exercise of its sovereignty, has decided to again flood Miami with even more of our people because fuck America. How you like me now, bitches?” Castro told PNS.
Mas…Miami braces for mass influx as Cuba lifts travel restrictions
Lalo Alcaraz AKA Daniel D. Portado invented Self Deportation as a joke in 1994, and now it’s part of Gov. Mitt Romney’s platform. Nancy Lopez interviewed the Jefe-in-Chief for Radioambulante.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Pres. Barack Obama, stung by criticism of his lackluster performance in the first debate, is hard at work prepping for tonight’s encounter with Gov. Mitt Romney. Sources tell PNS that First Lady Michelle Obama is helping out with flashcards of “zingers” and furnished this exclusive photo.
Dear Employees of Pochismo, Inc.:
As most of you know, the company continues to grow in spite of the half-assed crap job you do. However, I can’t really expect you to be good at anything, considering my huevon ex-husband, MR. POCHO, is your boss. A piñata has better leadership skills than him. That is why I am taking the initiative to educate you about the upcoming election.
Currently, your lack of talent poses no threat to your job status. What does pose a threat is another four years of the Obamanation Administration.
Having been awarded a substantial portion of POCHO stock as part of our divorce settlement, I have a great interest in your financial well-being. MR. POCHO and I started this company almost 11 months ago and even though I am heiress to the Jupína soda fortune, I have put my duties of exotic travel and party-time debauchery on hold in order to focus on POCHO’s growth.
Mas…Letter from Ex-MRS. POCHO: ‘All employees must vote for Romney’
Dear Governor Romney: You were so totally right about how much easier it would be if you were a Latino. Even luckier, a Latina with a vagina!
(PNS reporting from OAKLAND) “Are you planning on voting Tuesday, brah?” Dale Mendoza scrunched his eyes shut behind his dark sunglasses as he concentrated on his phone call with a potential voter in Arkansas.
“This election is critical, OK, and we totally need your vote.” Mendoza (photo, left) was the team leader of two dozen phone bank volunteers in a basement office in this Northern California city, possible the country’s most pot-friendly municipality.
The smoke-filled room is a California outpost of Toke the Vote, a coalition of pro-marijuana political activists backed by the Zig-Zag cigarette papers company and ConAgra’s Screaming Yellow Zonkers snack products.
Mas…Toke the Vote urges big turnout for Tuesday Presidential election
8. After generations of risking having your heart cut out when you climb a pyramid, Latinos have inherited a genetic fear of heights.
7. Jumping high and fast? Latinos ride low and slow.
6. That’s Mexican jumping BEANS not Mexican jumping balloons.
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos don’t jump from balloons over New Mexico
There he goes again, that esneaky Barack Obama appealing to voters in a foreign language! For real Americans (who only speak English), we’ve translated his latest commercial so you can understand exactly where this vato is coming from. Sorry, we said “vato.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as both Cesar y Hugo Chavez made the headlines. The official National Monument to civil rights hero Cesar Chavez was dedicated in Kern County by El Presidente (POCHO Jefe-in-Chief Lalo Alcaraz was there with his family and a camera) and Iran-loving commie dictator Hugo Chavez got reelected and then endorsed Obama.
And in San Francisco’s Mission District, one angry Chicana was not at all happy with her vida loca and wrote all about it. These are the stories that broke the ñews this week on POCHO:
Mas…Ñewsweek: Obama speaks Spanish, Cesar y Hugo Chavez, angry Chicana
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Thanks to Sariel for the toon(s)! You too can submit artwork, cartoons, photos, videos, stories, whatever using POCHO’s handy SUBMIT form. Do it!
Pres. Barack Obama’s reelection campaign continues to reach out to Latino voters with commercials en Espanol and he actually speaks Spanish himself in this new spot. We’ve got English captions/subtitles for people who don’t.
President Barack Obama and I met up yesterday in Keene, a pueblito of a town in Kern County, CA. Obama was there to dedicate a monument to César Chávez and I was there to witness. See — that’s me with the President in the background!
After a groggy three-hour drive started at the crack of dawn, I stood in what seemed like a mile-long line along with several thousands of other UFW supporters and Obama backers in the dusty, windy Tehachapi morning.
We came to witness the President’s dedication of the 398th Federal National Monument, known as La Paz, and now the Cesar Chavez National Monument in Keene, built on the site of an old tuberculosis hospital in the Tehachapi Mountains. UFW co-founder and labor icon Chavez is buried on the grounds of his longtime HQ. It is idyllic, and a little dusty.
Dancers danced. Mariachis played. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis spoke, also Interior Secretary Ken Salazar and Paul Chavez, son of Cesar. I took my family to make sure our three kids got to witness history and see the first African-American president in the flesh. Also historical!
Mas…Obama dedicates César Chávez monument and we were there (photos)
(PNS reporting from CARACAS) Hugo Chavez — re-elected to a third six-year term as president of Venezuela — has again called on Americans to re-elect Pres. Barack Obama.
In a four-hour televised speech to his nation late Sunday, Chavez called Obama the best hope for Socialism in the Western Hemisphere. The left-wing strong man had previously endorsed the President in September.
“El Obama deserves your support, gringos,” he said in a rare foray into English. “He may not admit to being a Marxist-Leninist but inside he is as red as your Danny Glover and Oliver Estone. “
Mas…Victorious Hugo Chavez to Americans: ‘Back my socialist amigo Obama’
This short educational video from Mal★Mart (a Bain Capital subsidiary) explains how the retail chain is a good neighbor, supporting local communities and creating jobs all across America — with a smile. The case study features Latina entrepreneur Maria Muñoz of Maria’s Flan.
