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RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

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Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.

Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.

Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!

Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

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In an effort to capture the growing Latino audience, Grammy-winning producer Emilio Estefan (better known for marrying Gloria Estafan), will be producing a Latino-themed TV drama. Estafan hopes to create a show that will attract a Latino audience without “demeaning roles.”

Good luck Emilio! There’s no better example of Latino pride than El Chavo del Ocho!

Here are our suggested top eight Latino-themed tv dramas:

8. Dos Mujeres, Un Doctor Who – A handsome Time Lord battles evil MIGRA robots while forced to choose between two sexy companions.
7. Frijole & Isles – (pero que? son patas?)
6. Mariachi Medium – A man has visions of violent crimes while playing the tuba in shiny pants.

Mas…Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

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(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer unwraps her roots in Guanajuato, MX (photo)

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) In a bid to rehabilitate her image with Latinos, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer visits her old friends in Guanajuato, Mexico.

RELATED:

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Ñewsweek: Arizona racism? Thankfully, we have Jesus El Luchador

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Arizona hate made POCHO headlines again this week; the Pocho Ocho crew came up with Pro Tips for white-collar Latinos plus eight caveats for goofy gabachos; and while AZ Gov. Jan Brewja haunted POCHO, Jesus Christos El Luchador (who drinks Corona with a lime, btw) made a miraculous appearance.

These big stories broke the ñews on POCHO this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Arizona racism? Thankfully, we have Jesus El Luchador

Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

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CBP_Border_Patrol_agent_reads_the_Miranda_rights(PNS reporting from EL PASO) The smell of grilled cebollas greeted visitors to a carne asada party in the back yard of the Lopez home in El Paso’s lower valley Saturday evening, as the family celebrated the graduation of the Lopez family’s prodigal son as a “Pinche Migra.”

José “Johnny” Marrufo completed the 58-day course at the United States Customs and Border Protection’s Border Patrol Academy located in Artesia, NM in July.

He graduated as a Border Patrol Agent and is now ready to detain his Mexican brethren.

“I feel happy that I will protect our border from terrorists and criminal aliens, some of whom are my relatives”  the former Riverside High School third baseman told PNS.

Mas…Son of immigrants takes the oath to become a ‘Pinche Migra’

SNL’s Amy Poehler champions the rights of domestic workers (video)

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Funny former Saturday Night Live comedian Amy Poehler is down for Domestic Workers, and comes clean on something not many in the U.S. will admit:

She could not be the busy actress and mom that she is without her hard-working domestic help.

Poehler’s Public Service Announcement (PSA) is a call to action to petition to California Gov. Jerry Brown get him to sign the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights. Our moms and tias and abuelas have worked hard for years and deserve humane and equitable treatment afforded to others.

You can support the California Domestic Worker Bill of Rights by calling your state senator and Gov. Brown (916-445-2841) today. To learn mas, please visit www.domesticworkers.org.

Mas…SNL’s Amy Poehler champions the rights of domestic workers (video)

The City of Anaheim is a theme park where the theme is racism

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In the land of make believe, the home of the Magic Kingdom, right where Disneyland sits, there is another theme park that has been around for decades.

This park is not called California Adventure, and its newest attraction is not “Cars.”

The amusement park is called simply “Anaheim.” Here, in various themed areas, you can have a magical time!

In Barriotown you can corral cast members, (AKA Mexicans) and watch them squirm in their low-income housing and run about their underserved public facilities. The best part is the Mexicans have no say in this! And the park management has no plans to do anything drastic to revamp or update this themed area by changing to City Council districts where the Mexicans may get to complain.

Mas…The City of Anaheim is a theme park where the theme is racism

Tampa’s gay hookers ready for Republican Convention (NSFW video)

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There’s going to be hot time in Tampa Bay next week when the GOP National Convention rolls into town. Republicans, who like to be seen as “job creators,” are expected to stimulate a long and thick boost in business for area gay prostitutes, and the hookers are looking forward to handling the hanging chads of closeted delegates. (Totally NSFW language.)

Jan Brewja: Save time, hassle with the Self-Deportation Station (video)

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All real Arizonans know it’s a pain in the AZ to racially-profile, harass, arrest and then deport people who look different from you! That’s why Gov. Jan Brewer is pleased to announce her automagic, high-tech, made-in-America, job-creating final solution for all those damn Mexicans.

Inspired by pioneering self-deportationist Daniel D. Portado, Brewja is introducing nifty new Self-Deportation Stations that make racism look quick, easy and clean.

  • Craving more news from The Hate State of Arizona? Click here!

Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

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Hoping to capitalize on the enormous groundswell of support they’ve generated with their new definitions of life, marriage and assault weapons, the GOP braintrust is planning to premiere a Republican Dictionary at next week’s convention in Tampa, FLA.

We got a brief peek at a draft (the “rape” definition was leaked Monday); check out the Pocho Ocho best definitions:

8. Rape: When a man loves a woman
7. Voting: What white people get to do
6. Minorities: Three-fifths of a person

Mas…Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

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(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Rep. (and Senatorial hopeful) Todd Akin (R-MO) intends to write and publish a children’s book that explains to kids how babies are made, according to his staff.

The colorful How Non-Forcible Rape Babies Are Made explains Akin’s understanding of how the human reproductive system works in clear, simple language and bright illustrations especially written for Tea Party Republican voters who approve of his recent comments on rape and pregnancy.

The touchy subject is elucidated in loving and religious detail:

When a rapist loves a mommy, Jesus reaches down from heaven and touches the mommy’s tummy and the miracle of life is created. The end.

Mas…GOP’s Akin to release childrens’ book on babies

Campus life changes as Latino enrollment hits new levels

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Latinos are now the largest minority group at four-year colleges in the U.S., according to analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data by the Pew Hispanic Center, and that means big changes on campuses across the country.

While Latinos have long dominated various educational institutions, especially cosmetology schools and East L.A. College, the influx of brown students has already had an affect on traditional university life.

Some colleges have considered updating the cap and gown, replacing them with sombreros and serapes from Mexico, and the Ivy League has floated a new name, “The Cilantro League,” for use if the Ancient Eight ever starts admitting more than 260 Latinos a year.

Mas…Campus life changes as Latino enrollment hits new levels

Ñewsweek: Driving while fluffy, yo quiero taxes, Pro Tips for Latinos

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The Hate State of Arizona retained its leading position as the most anti-Latino state in the country as the witchy bitchy governor, Jan Brewer, decided that DREAMERS who apply for Deferred Action should be denied state service like drivers’ licenses.

Also in Arizona, husky humorist Gabriel Iglesias’ tour bus got pulled over for a papers check.  In Texas, a humble farmworker released his income tax returns and asked GOP nominee wannabe Mitt Romney to do the same and POCHO offered Pro Tips for Latinos working in The Office.

These were the stories that broke the ñews this week:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Driving while fluffy, yo quiero taxes, Pro Tips for Latinos

Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Older undocumented immigrants have been trying to pass as youngsters so they can qualify for the Obama Administration’s new Deferred Action program, PNS has learned.

On Thursday, several elderly immigrants were hustled out in the Denver, CO immigration office trying to fake the required cutoff age of 30.

ICE reported that they found one viejito, known only as “Chavo,” hiding inside a barrel and dressed in in a striped shirt, red suspenders, brown khaki shorts and a propeller hat. ICE told PNS that the man was malnourished and kept asking for ham sandwiches.

Mas…Uncle Sam on lookout for oldsters trying to pass as DREAMers

Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

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Now that we know that GOP VP pick Paul “Unclear on the Details” Ryan loves anti-establishment (and anti-Ryan) L.A. pocho punk band Rage Against the Machine, we thought we’d check out what else is on his playlist.

Here are the Pocho Ocho most-played bands on the pendejo’s iPod:

8. Johnny Rebel
7. The Michelle Bachmann Corndog Quartet
6. Das Racist

Mas…Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

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Tom Morello is a meanie who makes Paul Ryan cry.

The powerful guitarist of Rage Against the Machine has blasted a thunderous riff on Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan.

Ryan, in a typical blockheaded, know-nothing right wing move, has declared that the left wing, bomb-throwing, anti-establishment rock group (fronted by fellow pocho Zach de La Rocha) is his favorite band. Talk about not paying attention to details! (It must be hard to think when he works out with P90X to the powerful guitar rock rolas.)

Maybe this is why Ryan is painfully oblivious to the suffering going on in the U.S. when the uber wealthy continue to hoard all the money and leave the rest of us to scrape by.

Could be why he thinks giving tax cuts to the 1% and making the rest of us pay for it is a Christian act?

No wonder he does not flinch when people call him a “zombie-eyed Granny starver.” Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t care — maybe he has no pinche idea what is going on around him. Either way, it’s not exactly the kind of leadership the U.S. needs right now.

Mas…GOP VP pick Paul Ryan is the ‘machine’ that RATM rages against

Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

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(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Early this morning, area farmworker Celestino Sepúlveda made five years of his tax returns public.

Holding faded copies of his 1040EZ from tax years 2007 to 2011, Sepúlveda told reporters, “Quiero ser un ejemplo para Romney” (I want to be an example for Romney) by publicly revealing his Federal returns.

At a press conference  held at 3AM scheduled to accommodate his need to obtain agricultural day work from farm labor contractors, who start recruiting at 3:30, Sepúlveda explained.

“I have nothing to hide about the way I earn my money, because I earned it through honest work,” said the 37-year-old native of Jalpa, Zacatecas, standing with several other farmworkers on the corner of Paisano and Oregon Streets. (A family photo, above, shows him harvesting cucumbers.)

Fellow farmworker Pepe Martínez agreed. “Sí, una persona humilde como mi compadre lo hizo, ¿porqué no El Romney?”

Mas…Farmworker releases tax returns and asks ‘Where are Romney’s?’

AZ Gov. Jan Brewja OKs curbs on undocumented youth, apples, twigs

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer (photo, right) has signed an executive order directing state agencies to deny driver’s licenses and other public benefits to young undocumented immigrants who obtain work authorizations under the new Obama administration Deferred Action program.

She also signed executive orders dealing with undocumented children and other matters:

Young undocumented immigrants line up to apply for Deferred Action

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(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants brought to this country as children are applying today for a deportation reprieve under a new program established by the Obama administration.

DREAMers will receive a two­-year deferment of deportation proceedings. If approved by U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, those DREAMers can also apply for a work permit and later reapply for another deportation deferment.

Some of the details of the program are still being ironed out. Eliseo Medrano of Aurora, who was lined up (photo, left) at the Chicago FCIS Office said, “I didn’t know there was going to be a talent portion to the application today. I suppose I can sing “Volver” or something.”

Mas…Young undocumented immigrants line up to apply for Deferred Action

Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias caught Driving While Brown in Arizona

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Chicano comic Gabriel Iglesias found out first hand what it’s like to be caught Driving While Brown in Arizona.

Iglesias, who is currently on tour, was pulled over between Yuma and Phoenix in his giant tour bus (that bears his likeness and name), and his entire crew was subjected to a “papers please” search.

Iglesias said after the incident that he has “madd love” for Arizona but might paint his tour bus with Larry the Cable Guy next time around.

Click all the way through to see Gabriel’s own quote!

By way of the mas chingon Three Sonorans blog!

Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

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He’s artificially intelligent, muy guapo with dark hair and blue eyes, plus he speaks and understands Spanish and English. He also has a new, high-profile job with Tio Sam’s U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service interviewing people crossing into Los United Estates at Nogales, AZ (photo, above.)

What’s he missing aside from a body and an analog existence? This poor robovato needs a name; right now his bosses just refer to him as the AVATAR (Automated Virtual Agent for Truth Assessments in Real-Time.)

Here are the Pocho Ocho names we like best:

8. Mex Headroom
7. C3 Pito
6. Will Robinson

Mas…Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

Breaking Ñews: GOP VP pick Paul Ryan reveals his new budget plan

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(PNS reporting from KANSAS CITY) GOP Vice Presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., is introducing his budget plan to voters today and POCHO is on the scene as he begins his press conference (photo, above.)

  • Check back with POCHO for updates — we break the ñews 24/7.
POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
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