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Ñewsweek: Japanese cholas, @MexicanMitt sings, DNC delirium

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Is brown the new black?

That’s the question POCHO asked in a massively-popular photo essay that featured Japanese women who dress like cholas. They make ‘gang’ signs, they pose and they mad-dog the camera. Is this a good thing?

Political coverage broke most of the ñews this week as just-released-from-Twitterham-jail @MexicanMitt Romney debuted a music video and had lots to say about the Democratic Convention in Dixie, especially that Bill Clinton guey.

Here are POCHO’s big estories:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Japanese cholas, @MexicanMitt sings, DNC delirium

@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

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COMO CHINGA ESE OBAMA.

If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA!

There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s-his-face.

Even Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook-Off-winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.

As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:

Mas…@MexicanMitt on the DNC: THAT CONVENTION ESUCKED!

What did Obama tell the DNC? We did the word salad arithmetic!

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POCHO was so inspired by Bill Clinton’s espeech, with all the math and stuff, that we decided to arithmetically analyze President Obama’s address to the Democratic National Convention.

What does it all mean? Dunno. Math is hard. What do you think?

Some top phrases containing 8 words (without punctuation marks) Occurencies
harder but it leads to a better place 2
and now you have a choice we can 2
share and everyone plays by the same rules 2
does their fair share and everyone plays by 2
fair share and everyone plays by the same 2
and everyone does their fair share and everyone 2
their fair share and everyone plays by the 2
fair shot and everyone does their fair share 2
everyone gets a fair shot and everyone does 2
shot and everyone does their fair share and 2
gets a fair shot and everyone does their 2
a fair shot and everyone does their fair 2
everyone does their fair share and everyone plays 2

Mas…What did Obama tell the DNC? We did the word salad arithmetic!

Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

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Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.

As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:

8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.

7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!

6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.

Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

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Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech.

Ex-Presidente BILL CLINTON spoke to the Democratic National Convention last night before heading out to a night of debauchery and cheeseburgers in Charlotte.

Sure, you might say he delivered a good defense of Barack Obama’s awful Presidency.  But he filled the whole long rant with PINCHE BORING FACTS and even ARITHMETIC!

If you watch Fox News or listen to my man Rush, you know that  facts will not get in my GUEY. You know that OBAMA IS THE MOST DIVISIVE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME BECAUSE HE HAS DIVIDED THE RACISTS FROM THE NON-RACISTS.

Mas…@MexicanMitt on Bill Clinton: Well, that wasn’t a very good espeech

@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches

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I was recovering from the Clint Eastwood Chair Incident, pretending to listen to some storm victims in who-knows-what-FOCKED-UP backwards-ass SOUTHERN STATE, and I was forced by my campaign adviser to watch the Democratic National Convention.

TV COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION IS HILARIOUS, the camerapeoples have to constantly pan around to find THE ONE STRAIGHT WHITE MALE.

Then I was forced to watch the espeech given by JULIAN CASTRO. Yes, the espeech gave ME A PAIN IN THE BIDEN.

First of all, how did a 12-year-old version of Jimmy Smits become the mayor of a major American City? Oh it’s San Antonio? Never mind.

Mas…@MexicanMitt Romney responds to Democratic Convention espeeches

Pocho Ocho bits dropped from the Democrat’s convention schedule

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As fact checkers continue ripping apart the speeches from last week’s GOP liarpalooza, wary Democratic National Convention officials have dropped some scenes from their own star-studded Great Moments in White House History Pageant.

Here are the Pocho Ocho historical recreations you won’t see at the Democrat’s convention:

8.  Franklin D. Roosevelt (Bill Murray) is all about West Wing wheelchair wheelies as he sends Japanese-American citizens into “internment” camps

7. Harry Truman (Lewis Black) tries on funny hats and growls as he orders the nuking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

6. John F. Kennedy (Dr. House) humps Mafia hookers, gets high on pain killers and decides it’s a good idea to send “military advisors” to help the corrupt military dictatorship in an obscure former French colony in Southeast Asia

Mas…Pocho Ocho bits dropped from the Democrat’s convention schedule

Ñewsweek: Did the GOP send @MexicanMitt to Twitterham Jail?

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Could it be? Was Presidential future loser Mitt Romney’s campaign so upset with POCHO contributor MexicanMitt Romney‘s Twitter feed that they made the social networking company lock @MexicanMitt in Twitterham Jail just before their candidate’s speech to the GOP convention Thursday?

Although @MexicanMitt’s simultaneous Twitter espeech to the RNC was smuggled out of Twitterham Jail and re-Tweeted by @PochoDotCom, thousands of MM’s “followers” were baffled by the disappearance of the popular account.

Tech journalists are questioning if the censorship was provoked by Romney’s people — who appear to be the only parties who can lodge a complaint with Twitter — and the “coincidental” $120,000 ad purchase on Twitter by the GOP.

We have MexicanMitt’s draft speech to the RNC, the story on the Twitter censorship and @MexicanMitt’s Letter from a Twitterham Jail here — all part of a really big ñewsweek on POCHO:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Did the GOP send @MexicanMitt to Twitterham Jail?

MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled

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Mexican Mitt Romney wrote this estatement when he was incarcerated in the Twitterham City Jail.

LETTER FROM A TWITTERHAM JAIL

31 August 2012

My Dear Fellow Twitter Fans:

While confined here in the Twitterham City Jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely."

Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas.

If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work.

But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

Twitter suspended my account for violating the terms outlined in its Parody Account guidelines.

Apparently, someone was misled by my account, which portrays Mitt Romney as a cartoonish Mexican ranchero. This indicates that this person was an estupido idiota pendejo, meaning he is a Republican voter.

I call them my base. Ajua.

Mas...MexicanMitt’s ‘Letter from a Twitterham Jail:’ I have been paroled

Did Romney’s (underpaid?) housekeeper show up in RNC video?

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Who is that woman washing dishes or doing laundry in the Romney family home?

Colorlines writes:

Before Mitt Romney was introduced at the Republican National Convention on a Thursday night viewers saw a 10-minute video created to humanize Romney. The video featured the Romney family inside their home several times but in one of the scenes a women who appears to be working for the family in the background was simply ignored.

Is she one of the four housekeepers the reports have alleged Romney is underpaying? It could be, but more importantly some say the video made her invisible.

“As I’m watching Romney’s RNC video spotlighting his family, I find it interesting there is no mention of the woman in the red shirt in the background, who is obviously there helping,” said artist Ramiro Gomez, who’s art looks to start conversations about the labor force that takes care of families and homes.

Colorlines has the whole story and the video.

RELATED: Ramiro Gomez’s latest creation, Antonio, sells Maps to the Stars Homes

Video screen capture courtesy Colorlines via Ramiro Gomez.

I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America!

All my life, I’ve been told I could never be president — not because I’m a woman (PMS = Global Thermonuclear War) or a high-functioning alcoholic (um, hi, Grant, Taft, FDR, JFK, George Dubya…) but because I was not born in the United States.

However, the birther movement has changed all that. If Barack Hussein Obama was able to overcome the bureaucratic spaghetti goop monster that is immigration and fake his citizenship, so can I.

Mas…I’m running for President because I believe in America and I’m white

Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

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[Editor’s Note: After a sleepless, tormented night in Twitter jail, MexicanMitt awoke to find his account un-suspended and his list of followers and followees restored. He has thanked all his supporters and promises an update for you people as soon as possible. He’s running for office for Pete’s sake!]

Has the wildly popular and hilarious Twitter parody account @MexicanMitt self-deported? That’s what many of his fans and followers are asking on Twitter tonight.

Complicating the anger and disbelief at the scuttling of the Mexican Mitt Romney account is the timing: The night of actual Mitt Romney’s big RNC speech, an event at which @MexicanMitt was prepared to “live tweet.”

Mexican Mitt has been named as the Number One funniest parody political account on Twitter by Politico, and has been lauded by several sites and countless Twitter users and journalists, and even mentioned by Rachel Maddow on MSNBC and the L.A. Times.

Mitt Romney’s Mexican alter ego no doubt has pissed off somebody very important, or has been the victim of a coordinated reverse-spam complaint attack from humorless right wingers. Or worse.

Besides pointing out the convenient timing on the eve of the RNC speech, there’s the appearance of a new, promoted  Mitt Romney campaign Twitter topic. Hmm.

Twitter has yet to respond to numerous press inquiries, including from our friends at LatinoRebels and at NBC Latino.

Mas…Who killed @MexicanMitt Romney’s Twitter account? And why?

Hey SB1070 loser Russell Pearce, karma’s a bitch…

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Our homies at NBC Latino are reporting that Aryanzona SB1070 creator and sloppy sack of sadness Russell Pearce has lost what is hopefully his final political campaign. We at POCHO are celebrating and gloating that this racist pendejo has been taken out by a fellow Republican.

Hopefully he can join bag o’ drunken bones AZ Governor Jan Brewer at her rest home soon, and they can complain together about their Mexican adult care attendants.

See ya, don’t let Arizona hit you on the ass!

Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

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A version of Mexican Mitt Romney’s RNC speech for tonight in Tampa has been leaked, and we have it mexclusively for you.


MEXICAN MITT ROMNEY RNC ESPEECH 8/30/12
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ENTER ON WHITE HORSE
(because Rafalca will trip)

(NOTE: If anyone throws peanuts, Chris Christie will not let those go to waste)
(REMEMBER to adjust sombrero, don't block the expensive background set)

AJUUUUUUA!

HELLO, TAMPAX!

No one has ever asked me for my birth certificate, because that's not what you ask rich white dudes.

Big shout out to Stripper Sarah Palin, see you at the afterparty tonight.

Thank you to all the espeakers, especially my vieja Annn Romney. She really loves you women. And she loves to Unzip The Mitt!

POLLO RYAN. Pinche Eddie Munster rules! The viejitas fear him, but he promises eternal life, just let him bite your Medicare.

CHRIS CRISPY IS THE ONLY HOMBRE I KNOW WHO DEEP FRIES HIS NAILS BEFORE HE CHEWS ON THEM.

Mas...Mexclusive: Draft of Mexican Mitt Romney’s speech to RNC leaked

RNC’s Tampa: One of the top three U.S. cities for strip clubs (audio)

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Tampa,  writer Michael Connelly tells To the Point’s Warren Olney,  has more steak houses, churches and strip clubs per capita than any other city in America.  It’s also a Top Three Destination in the strippers’ circuit Golden Triangle of Los Angeles, Tampa and New York.

(KCRW H/T LAObserved.com)

RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

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Endless speeches, stupid roll calls and pointless posturing can make national political convention watching a boring exercise — that’s why you need to play games along with the pinche politicians.

Mira! The Republican National Convention Drinking Game, sponsored by Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila.

Keep your eyes on the screen, stay alert and react swiftly! Life is chort!

Mas…RNC Drinking Game: Turn lame to LOLs with Arpaio Viejo™ Tequila

Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

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In an effort to capture the growing Latino audience, Grammy-winning producer Emilio Estefan (better known for marrying Gloria Estafan), will be producing a Latino-themed TV drama. Estafan hopes to create a show that will attract a Latino audience without “demeaning roles.”

Good luck Emilio! There’s no better example of Latino pride than El Chavo del Ocho!

Here are our suggested top eight Latino-themed tv dramas:

8. Dos Mujeres, Un Doctor Who – A handsome Time Lord battles evil MIGRA robots while forced to choose between two sexy companions.
7. Frijole & Isles – (pero que? son patas?)
6. Mariachi Medium – A man has visions of violent crimes while playing the tuba in shiny pants.

Mas…Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

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(PNS reporting from VIRGINIA) Rev. Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club last night that Tropical Storm Isaac’s assault on the GOP National Convention in Florida is a warning to sinners.

“You goddam shit-for-brains idiots better pay some goddam attention or our Lord and Savior is gonna whip your sorry asses,” Robertson said. “Do you douchebags really think Our Father Who Art In Heaven will let you get away with this shit?”

“Jesus is cheesed the fuck off!” he told the estimated one million viewers of his Christian Broadcasting Network religious talk show. “Our glorious vengeful God is as angry as a hornet in a henhouse. He’s up in Heaven high, saying, ‘You little pussies, you don’t hate the homos enough! You let ’em get married ‘n’ shit? You are slacking off. I will now drown you. Enjoy the flood, mothafuckas!'”

“I’m talking to you, bitches!” he added.

Mas…Pat Robertson: Tropical storm is God’s warning to Godless God-mockers

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer unwraps her roots in Guanajuato, MX (photo)

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) In a bid to rehabilitate her image with Latinos, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer visits her old friends in Guanajuato, Mexico.

RELATED:

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
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