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Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

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AJUA! You didn’t think I could do it. You doubted me. You said, “Oh no, Mexican Mitt, you cannot be the Republican nominee! They hate you so! They would never EVER let such a VIRILE, MACHO HOMBRE become the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE!” By virile and macho hombre, you must mean that a Mormon could never win the GOP nomination.

But you were WRONG. Last night, I finally got the required 1,144 delegates for the Republican nomination by winning Texas, the lone state to vote this week. Like I always said, “ALL MY VIEJAS LIVE IN TEJAS!” And I received a full 90% of my viejas’ votes. (I’ll have a word with you later, Margarita.)

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: ¡I AM THE LAST JUAN STANDING!

Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union

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(PNS reporting from TEJAS) The votes have finally been counted and it looks like Democrats in Texas voted overwhelmingly yesterday to secede from the United States of America

“Texas Democrats are tired of Gov. Rick Perry’s partisan politics and of a Republican legislature that seems hell-bent on destroying the rights of hardworking Texans,” said state Democratic spokeswoman Rebecca Acuña.

The vote to secede was a desperate move for the Dems, who fought a hard fight against Republican redistricting that is still tied up in Federal courts. Hidden at the end of the state constitution — after the part where Rick Perry famously said the state could secede from the union — was a footnote that allows for areas of the state to secede as well.

Mas…Desperate Texas Democrats vote to secede from union

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) proposes new DREAMY Act

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(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDA) In an attempt to capitalize on the political gains made by Pres. Barack Obama’s support for gay marriage, Florida GOP senator and possible presidential candidate Marco Rubio has revamped his unpopular DREAM Act alternative.

The original federal DREAM Act allowed undocumented youth brought here as minors a path to citizenship if they served in the military or attended college. Rubio’s DREAM Act “lite” version offered these youth only a non-immigrant visa and permanent status as second-class citizens.

Now, hoping to suck off gay votes from Obama, Rubio has introduced the DREAMY Act.

Mas…Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FLA) proposes new DREAMY Act

Speaking Spanish gets you a free pizza – and Pocho Ocho other things

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The Pizza Patron chain has ignited a nationwide controversy with its offer of free pepperoni pies on June 5 if you order en Español.

What else you can get for speaking Spanish?

8. In Arizona, you get pulled over, disrespected and hassled.

7. In Miami, you get nothing, stupid. That’s how you’re supposed to talk.

6. In New York, you get to speak a secret language that everyone else understands.

Mas…Speaking Spanish gets you a free pizza – and Pocho Ocho other things

Grad flash mob perfect setting for surprise marriage proposal (video)

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Rocio Almaraz was graduating with honors and organized a flash mob to dance after the ceremonies. Her long-time boyfriend Alex Carrillo thought the flash mob was the perfect setting to surprise Almaraz with a proposal of marriage.

California State University at Fullerton tells the story:

Rocio Almaraz, who is graduating magna cum laude from Cal State Fullerton with a bachelor of science degree in human services, organized a flash mob dance as a surprise for attendees at her CSUF commencement exercise Sunday in Titan Stadium.

For those in the stands, they held up a sign, reading: “Thank you Parents and Friends.”

While dancing alongside her classmates, Almaraz got an even bigger surprise — from her boyfriend, Alex Carrillo of South Gate, who had arranged for the flash mob members to keep on dancing when the song playing over the loudspeaker switched to Bruno Mars’ “Marry Me.”

Mas…Grad flash mob perfect setting for surprise marriage proposal (video)

Gustavo Arellano: This one goes out to all the community college grads

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Author, editor and POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano delivered this commencement speech yesterday to the graduates of Long Beach Community College:

Gustavo Arellano

Gracias for having me here, Vikings. I come from that evil land over yonder on the other side of the 405 — Orange County. Por favor don’t hold it against me, as I come to ustedes in peace and with a message about our shared background as products of California’s magnificent community college system.

I graduated in 1999 from Orange Coast College in Costa Mesa, just down the 405. My experience there was similar in many respects to yours. I had a full course load, took intersession, took as many summer school courses as possible, and did all of this while working full time, no financial aid, and helping to support my family. The classes were crowded, the parking horrific, the professors ranging from Einsteins to idiots.

Mas…Gustavo Arellano: This one goes out to all the community college grads

American Census Shocker Part II: Interview with a minority baby

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Non-white births now make up a majority of all births in the United States and racist anti-immigrants are pooping mad. The most elder of them, Phyllis Schlafly, an ancient anti-feminist relic, has actually come out of her dusty display case and made a pronouncement through her right-wing conservative group, The Eagle Forum, decrying the surge of unpatriotic minority babies. From their website:

It is not a good thing. The immigrants do not share American values, so it is a good bet that they will not be voting Republican when they start voting in large numbers.

They go on to accuse non-white immigrants and their offspring of having:

…high rates of illiteracy, illegitimacy, and gang crime, and they will vote Democrat when the Democrats promise them more food stamps.

To find out if the threat entering this country from non-white birth canals is indeed dangerous, I interviewed a minority baby myself:

Mas…American Census Shocker Part II: Interview with a minority baby

Romney’s new Spanish TV ad now available with English subtitles

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(PNS reporting from GUACHINGON) As the Mitt Romney works to grow support before the GOP convention, his campaign has reached out to Spanish-espeaking voters with a new ad, Dia Uno. POCHO translated the commercial for voters who don’t habla Español.

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies

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News photog Trey Buchet captured the space dragon's first bite
(PNS reporting from MALIBU) Pot-banging hippies gathered on Southern California beaches yesterday and chased away the space dragon that was swallowing our Sun.

“We totally knew this humongous dragon was comin’ brah, so we set up a Facebook page and got everyone down here with their bongos and pots and pans. Our sonic countermeasures commenced mere seconds after the sun-gobbling began,” a pot-banger named Donald Dank told PNS.

National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) officials confirmed the monster space dragon’s departure.

Mas…Giant Sun-eating space dragon chased away by pot-banging hippies

Ñewsweek: Epic movie, cafe con chile, chi-chis, tats, soy and Vagistan

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“Reality, shmeality,” says Hollywood as it plans an epic film on Mexican-American history without any, you know, Chicanos:  JLo stars as the Virgen de Guadalupe, Lou Diamond Phillips is Che Guevara and Elton John is cast as Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.

And there’s trouble in Brand Land as Starbucks plans to test-market chile- and nopal-flavored drinks in East Los and agrichem conglomerate Monsanto‘s proposed soy chicharrones meet pushback from pro-pork protestors.

More minority babies where born in the U.S. last year than white babies and the invasion of little pishers from Vagistan has the usual suspects all riled up. Speaking of babies, columnist Maria Purisma‘s sad sex life sent her to Victoria’s Secret, and homeboy Chuy of the Hey Vato! crew wondered if new tats would make his new girlfriend more forthcoming.

The week’s big ñews links from POCHO  are just a click away:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Epic movie, cafe con chile, chi-chis, tats, soy and Vagistan

American Census Shocker! Minority babies invading U.S. from Vagistan

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Census figures indicate that minorities make up over half the births of babies in the United States for the first time since the Pilgrims reluctantly started having sex.

These new minority babies will be able to outvote white babies in local and national baby elections, and this has white baby proponents terrified.

White mothers all over the U.S. have been reporting the births of unexplainable brown babies.

“It’s like there a brown horde erupting from inside us,” reported one hysterical white mother, Mrs. while being eyed by her suspicious white husband. Their nearby sexy gardener Julio Ramirez had no comment.

Mas…American Census Shocker! Minority babies invading U.S. from Vagistan

Local pochos punk Internet with prom photo gallery prank

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Redondo photo from 2011 appeared on TropicalGazette.com. This Florida site says the photo is from 1982.

A couple of Redondo Beach Union High School pochos punked online photo galleries across America by submitting the same prom picture over and over for inclusion in local listings. 2011 prom photos of Albert Morales and Gabriela Peraza appeared on sites in Florida, New Jersey, Atlanta, and Minnesota among others.

“We just wanted to have the prom pictures to be published and as seen by many people as possible. … Just trying to have fun by remembering good prom memories,” Morales told NJ.com, which unravelled the hoax last week.

Check out these screenshots of newspaper photo galleries displaying images of the happy couple:

Mas…Local pochos punk Internet with prom photo gallery prank

Protestors target Monsanto’s plans for soy ‘chicharrones’ (updated)

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(PNS reporting from MISSOURI) Busloads of pro-pig activists from Texas converged on Monsanto’s St. Louis headquarters here today to protest the chemical/agricultural mega-corporation’s plans to produce extruded soy flaps meant to replace natural chicharrones.

Bearing signs that read “NO PORK NO PEACE,” “WE WANT LARD FOR OUR MONEY” and “SAY NO TO SOY CHICHARRONES,” the so-called Occupy Monsanto movement plans to shut down traffic around the corporate campus until they get a response from Monsanto. [UPDATE: MONSANTO STATEMENT BELOW.]

The group was confronted by counter demonstrators from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) who carried signs proclaiming “PIGS ARE PEOPLE TOO.” Some scantily-clad female PETA protestors threatened a sex strike to protest actual pig parts consumption. “WANT BOINK? NO OINK!” read one sign.

Mas…Protestors target Monsanto’s plans for soy ‘chicharrones’ (updated)

Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon

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Barack Hussein Obama’s biggest donors and best crony capitalist friends at JP Morgan Chase recently lost over two billion dollars in risky trades.

Instead of wailing about this so-called “Wall Street reform” nonsense, I have decided to open my own bank and mega Wall Street trading firm: JP Mormon.

At JP Mormon, we promise to keep your money away from the risky trades of Wall Street and in safe, secure island strongholds.

We will also store your hard-earned trust fund payments in secret European locations, places where Michele Bachman once held dual citizenship.

Mas…Mitt Romney: I’m proud to announce my new bank, JP Mormon

Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’

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The Sheik dissed Canseco on Twitter
The Sheik plans to "humble" Canseco

(PNS reporting from DIXIE) Though the competition was stiffer than Ronald Reagan’s corpse, retired MLB douchebag and Twitter hack Jose Canseco has been declared the Worst Mexican of All Time by ex-professional wrestler The Iron Sheik.

Canseco has the “raisin balls” and is an embarrassment to all of Mexico, The Sheik told PNS.

The contest was too close to call by many Mexperts but after the votes were tallied, Canseco won the prestigious title hands down, beating out Geraldo Rivera, Tito Santana, Raffi Torres, Mel Gibson, O.J. Simpson and Mario Lopez.

When notified he did not win, Geraldo responded by weeping on Fox and Friends, remarking that he felt “manually raped” by the results.

Mas…Twitter War! Iron Sheik says Jose Canseco ‘Worst Mexican of All Time’

Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

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(PNS reporting from BOYLE HEIGHTS) Starbucks Coffee starts test-marketing their new nopal, chile and mole-flavored coffee drinks exclusively in this East Los Angeles enclave today.

Staying true to their gentrified roots, Starbucks based the new varieties on past-the-expiration-date flavors from more upscale stores  — adding chemical food coloring for “eye appeal.”

Mas…Starbucks test-markets nopal, chile-flavored drinks in East Los Angeles

Ñewsweek: Chanclas, foreskins, gay political football, meaning of life

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“If the chancla flies, your mom is wise,” noted defense attorney Juan E. Cocran told the court, and we’ve got video to prove it.

The epic flying chanclas video topped the list of big estories on POCHO this week, but only just squeezed out the Mexclusive guest editorial by GOP nominee wannabe Mexican Mitt Romney, the latest chapter in the existential quest of Chuy and Smiley in Hey Vato! and very intimate advice from Dear Abuelita.

Here are the links:

Mas…Ñewsweek: Chanclas, foreskins, gay political football, meaning of life

Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’

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Gardener Berto Lopez trims a hedge in Beverly Hills

(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Inspired by Mitt Romney’s apology for assaulting a long-haired commie prep school classmate, one of the undocumented gardeners Romney hired and then fired in 1996 has issued his own apology.

Berto Lopez, now working as a freelance arborist in Beverly Hills, regrets he once peed on the then-governor’s prized petunias.

“I did some rude things when I was younger,” he told PNS Thursday, “and if I hurt any of those plants, well then I am truly sorry.”

But Lopez denied the peeing and the firing were related. “I peed on the plants because Romney was a pendejo —  how you say — douchebag:”

Mas…Fired undocumented gardener sorry he ‘peed on Romney’s petunias’

Mexican Mitt Romney: Obama is spiking the gay football

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AJUA!! I am Mexican Mitt Romney, and I am here to clear the record on the GAY MARRIAGE.

Contrary to reports by ABC News and Perez Hilton about Barack Obama being the first president to approve of same-sex marriage, I invented it, and now Barack Obama is hogging all the credit! If you ask me, Obama is spiking the gay football! That is wrong! Everyone knows gays play tennis and hacky sack.

Now the gays are all running around and shrieking like the end of an episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race just because the PINCHE North Carolina DOUBLE NEGATIVE GAY MARRIAGE Proposition that won this week. HIJOLE! Such drama queens!

In North Carolina it just means that Jethro cannot marry Jethro, but he can marry HIS COUSIN ELLIE MAE! Ajua! That’s what I call FREEDOM!

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: Obama is spiking the gay football

Blonde Mexican dissident seeks asylum in Chinese restaurant

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Rubio "doesn't look Mexican" neighbors say
(PNS reporting from GUADALAJARA) Blonde Mexican dissident Pablo Rubio holed up in a Chinese restaurant here after eluding taunting neighbors who say he can’t be Mexican since he is fair-haired and light-skinned.

Rubio was spirited away from his home in a car trunk at noon yesterday by friends who convinced suspicious local gang members the getaway vehicle was sagging the trunk was filled with drogas, one source told PNS.

“Pablo went to the Che Xuan Panda restaurant because to them he looks Mexican,” she said. “We all look Mexican to them. Also the 75 pesos lunch special with soup and egg roll rocks.”

Pocho Ñews Service PNS is a wholly-fictitious subsidiary of Pochismo, Inc., a California corporation, who is a person according to the Supreme Court.  Don’t ask us, we just work here.

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Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

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Only 15% will get a piece of Mayan Pie
Only 1 in 7 people has faced up to the fact that the world will end soon and maybe in December, according to a new poll released by Reuters.

“Whether they think it will come to an end through the hands of God, or a natural disaster or a political event, whatever the reason, one in seven thinks the end of the world is coming,” said Keren Gottfried, research manager at Ipsos Global Public Affairs which conducted the poll for Reuters.

“Perhaps it is because of the media attention coming from one interpretation of the Mayan prophecy that states the world ‘ends’ in our calendar year 2012,” Gottfried said.

Confused by the controversy? We need some disinformation and we need it now, and that’s why we turned to the Disinformation Company for this video.

Mas…Only 1 in 7 believe in impending Mayan Apocalypse Doomsday 2012

PochoCast #4: Alcaraz/Madrigal ‘Cinco de Mayo fever jumps the shark’

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Listen to Los Dos Amigos -- they know a guy

POCHO’s Lalo Alcaraz, Jefe-in-Chief, and Al Madrigal, Migrant Editor, Skype truth to power in PochoCast Number Four.

The long-distance interlocutors are all about Cinco de Mayo fever, Mexican Mitt Romney, Gustavo Arellano,  Taco John’s,  SB1070, Obama, the Dream Act, Los Lobos, Latino USA, Taco USA, La Cucaracha, Ann Romney, Twitter, hate mail, the Politico blog, FU money, MEChA, the Walmart Mexico bribery scandal, and this guy Al knows.

Although the podcast is recommended listening for your morning commute, do not listen while shaving, frying bacon (naked or not) or inserting contact lenses due to danger of cuts, burns and/or pokes in the eye.  No warranty expressed or implied. Your mileage may vary. We don’t speak your crazy moon language.

Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

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Puebla cave paintings point to France

It’s so last century, the new generation of Chicano students say, and the hard-to-pronounce-and-explain name for venerable activist organization M.E.Ch.A has to change! POCHO covered the explosive debate and published your reader comments in this week’s biggest story.

And history came alive as anthropologists discovered a previously-lost tribe of Frenchman living in caves near the city of Puebla, MX. Are they a remnant of the troops sent by Napoleon III in 1862?

Keep on reading  — we’ve got the latest ñews on Cinco de Mayo, the Hey Vato! homies discuss the Raider’s Nation, Romney’s campaigning parrot and more:

Mas…Ñewsweek: MEChA makeover, French tribe in Puebla, MX, Hey Vato!

Cartel street battle in Puebla, MX ends in rout of French gang invaders

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Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla
Authorities said 462 French gangsters died and 300 were injured
(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MEXICO) Federales are cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Cartel street battle in Puebla, MX ends in rout of French gang invaders

MEChA changes name to one members can pronounce

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) The board of the historic student organization MEChA voted Wednesday to change the group’s name to something easier for its members to pronounce.

MEChA was born during the Chicano Civil Rights Movement, and its name — Movimiento Estudiantil Chicano de Aztlán — was an artifact of its 1960s’ genesis. But Xicano activism waned in the ensuing decades; every year since 1968, for example, the number of baby girls named Xochitl has declined.

Members are no longer interested in getting back to their Nahuatl roots and Los Angeles local chapter male co-chair David Hernandez told PNS that there’s no need. “I mean, I already am from Aztlán, Whittier, you know? And we don’t speak Spanish here,” he said.

Mas…MEChA changes name to one members can pronounce

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

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As reported by the Miami Herald, there are about 8,000 reasons why Mitt Romney might not pick Florida’s Teabbagged Sen. Marco Rubio for as his running mate. Here are the top eight:

8. Sin Papeles. He’s illegal! It’s debatable who has the wetter back since Romney is from Mexico but Rubio is just as undocumented and some would argue more “deportable.” Rubio fled Cuba not because of the Revolución but because no one there could stand him. The guy’s an asshole.

More reasons and startling photographic evidence below.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney won’t choose Marco Rubio for VP

Adios, Gordo Gingrich! You’ll never get your sangwich :(

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Former Freaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s campaign for the Republican presidential nomination is over. POCHO laments the loss of this serial adulterer and nominee wannabe, as his ignorant, racist douchebaggery provided us with lots of ñews, including this Spanish-language campaign commercial with realistic English subtitles.

And there’s more below:

Mas…Adios, Gordo Gingrich! You’ll never get your sangwich 🙁

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