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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) With gun nut Ted Nugent (a tragic victim of Cat Scratch Fever) in the House, and rogue cop Christopher Dorner‘s fate still unclear, President Obama took no chances when he delivered the State of the Union Address here Tuesday night, replacing the customary American flag pin on his lapel with a custom button.
Click on the photo to enlarge ☛
Mas…With Ted Nugent in the House, Obama takes no chances (photo)
(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Arizona Republicans today proposed new legislation aimed at reducing the number of abortions performed in the state.
Although Arizona already has some of the country’s most extreme restrictions on abortion, State Rep. Kimberly Yee (R-Maricopa), sponsor of House Bill HB1069, says the Hate State still doesn’t fully protect “unborn children.”
“As Republicans, we understand that redefining a fetus as a person will not stop it from being killed. Only one thing stops unlawful killing, and that’s concealed carry. With this in mind, the new law mandates every unborn person in Arizona will be issued his or her own handgun,” she told the mostly-empty legislative chamber.
Mas…Arizona ‘pro-life’ bill promises a gun for every unborn child
(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) This just in: The Fox TV network has just announced a partnership with the Vatican to produce a new TV talent show called So You Think You Can Pope.
The hour-long program, which will air as a mid-season replacement for the ratings disaster So You Think You Can Pimp, will feature clergy from around the world competing for the coveted next Pope slot.
Fox Director of Religious Programming Norm Inepatri says “Pope” will keep many of the same sets and challenges as the “Pimp” show including biggest ring, flashiest hat, sweetest ride and smoothest money collection approach.
(PNS reporting from London) This just in: Controversial Pope Benedict XVI has resigned from the papacy making him the first pope to abdicate in over 600 years. His resignation coincidentally coincides with the first real investigation of Vatican child sex abuse in over 600 years. Benedict, the pope formerly known as Cardinal Ratzinger, will retire to his native Bavaria and is looking forward to taking long vacations with German friends to Thailand, the Philippines and Malaysia.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: Pope resigns, cites ‘boy shortage’ at Vatican
(PNS reporting from NEW JACK CITY) A local activist is excited about throwing her support behind a movement in Southern Mexico she recently read about on Facebook: the EZLN.
Pilar Morales (photo) said she saw a post on her friend Daisy’s Facebook wall about a new band called Rage Against the Machine which talked about the movement.
When the Spanish Harlem resident Googled it, she said she felt like she’d finally found a cause she could really support.
“I totally get this. They are just, like, fighting for their rights and the government is oppressing them!” Morales told PNS. “It’s just not fair.”
(PNS reporting from PDX) Area collector Reynaldo “Ronnie” Morales’ heart was broken Sunday night when a last-minute auction bid from an eBay “sniper” pushed the coveted September 1953 issue of Amazing Future Tales out of his grasp and into the arms of another.
The sniper killed Morale’s chances with a $37.83 winning bid.
Mas…eBay ‘sniper’ outbids local man for ‘Chola Low Riders’ pulp magazine
(PNS reporting from FRESNO) Latino farmworkers say Dodge’s American Farmer Super Bowl commercial is a bunch of manure, according to Claude Rhodappel, spokesman for the Minority Organization for Farmworkers and Obreros (MOFO).
The commercial, directed by filmmaker Ken Burns, used crisp documentary-style photography to celebrate America’s farmers while espousing the values of Dodge’s Ram Truck.
MOFO is objecting to the fact that almost all of the farmers depicted in the ad were white, with the exception of one African-American man, who was included as the “Magical Negro” featured in so many Hollywood productions.
Mas…Ken Burns Super Bowl commercial angers minority farmworkers
(PNS reporting from FLUSHING, N.Y.) This just in: Long Island dry cleaner Beau Riqua was an unhappy man this morning when he prevented nurses from administering an enema prescribed by his doctor. Riqua, who was visiting internist Dr. Lee Cuado with concerns about bloating, was upset that Cuado, a longtime friend, recommended this delicate procedure.
“That charlatan is just getting revenge because he lost $500 to me on a Super Bowl bet,” says Riqua, “so now he’s on my list. Go Ravens!”
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) This just in: Republican House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has introduced a bill to shorten February to 26 days. Cantor says February is getting too “uppity” and two of its days should be given to April, which he claims is being discriminated against as “the cruellest month,” because it features the observance of “Confederate History Month” and “Patriots Day.” The bill also aims to cancel leap years, just to be a dick.
Mas…PNS*Hot*Flash: GOP aims to cut ‘uppity’ February to 26 days
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) It took a lot of burning sage, cedar, sweetgrass and tobacco, but Tymangoua, the first Native American murdered by a gun in what is now the United States, delivered a message from the spirit world to Washington:
Getting shot and killed sucks!
Indigenous Peoples Against Gun Violence (IPAG) introduced Tymangoua to a press conference here Monday.
IPAG president Lauren Ko’n-Za explained:
Gun violence is not a recent phenomenon. It has existed for hundreds of years and indigenous people like Taymangoua were the first victims. Tymangoua was murdered on Sept. 14, 1513, by Spanish sailors looking to enslave him on the shores of Biscayne Bay in what is now Miami.
(PNS reporting from DIXIE) In a groundbreaking study just released by Atlanta’s Center for Brain Development Place, scientists have found that the more racist an individual is the less likely he or she is to comprehend satire.
In the controversial study, published in Totally Not Made Up Magazine last week, participants were asked to read an article titled “Monkey escapes from zoo, spreads poop and socialism” and then asked to comment.
Scientists found that those who believed the monkey should be taught to uphold democracy and abstain from sex before marriage but without the use of taxpayer money were 10 times more likely to be racists.
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) The 10-year-old at Frank Elementary School in Guadalupe who got arrested Tuesday learned a valuable lesson about Sheriff Joe Arpaio and celebrity deputy Steven Seagal:
According to the sheriff’s office, the boy had planned to beat one of his classmates at the Maricopa County school with a Wiffle Ball® bat but ended up on the wrong end of Steven Seagal’s sealskin boots instead.
Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office detectives were called to the elementary school by officials who were learned of the plot and found the student in possession of a tattered Wiffle Ball® bat.
Mas…Arpaio busts dangerous 10-year-old (with Steven Seagal’s help)
(PNS reporting from COMPTON) Minority gun owners tired of the “racist white agenda” of the National Rifle Association have launched the National Gun Association (NGA) to lobby for the rights of Latino and African-American gun owners.
NGA, straight out of the Los Angeles suburb of Compton, believes the NRA’s defense of mass shootings, which are mostly perpetrated by white male Christians, harms the real agenda of supporting gun ownership for personal and business self defense.
NGA president Cole Fotyfife, just back from President Bronco Bama’s inauguration (photo), said the campaign will focus on the message “Guns don’t kill people, crazy white people kill people.”
Mas…Minority gun owners start NGA group to challenge NRA supremacy
(PNS reporting from NEW YORK CITY) HBO’s mega hit Girls is getting a spin-off — a Latina version called Chicas.
“We woke up and smelled the cafecito,” producer Elizabeth Ferris told a press conference here this morning, “and the pan dulce.”
“The success of Girls is indisputable and we want to be able to bring that success to the Latino community,” Ferris said. “I don’t know if any Latinos actually watch Girls, but everyone is into the ‘Latino thing’ these days, so why not Chicas?”
(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) María Solis is tired. Specifically, she’s tired of everybody suddenly caring about what she thinks — about anything at all.
Ever since the election and subsequent media obsession with the “Latino voter,” her life has changed dramatically.
“It’s getting to be a bit much,” she told PNS in a Skype interview Thursday night. “I mean, now everyone is all considerate of my feelings about things. I keep getting asked what my thoughts on immigration reform or gun control are — I’ve had enough!”
Solis, mother of four-year-old fraternal twins Santino and Elise, misses the days when people would crack racist jokes in front of her and her Mexican-born mother as though they didn’t exist.
Mas…Local Latina mom tired of people suddenly caring about her, Latinos
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) This just in: Women of Harvard University’s MEChA collective have vowed they will not pluck their eyebrows until school officials revoke the fellowship of former Mexican President Felipe Calderón at the John F. Kennedy School of Government.
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Bobby Mueller doesn’t want to be unkind, really. “My mother taught me that if you don’t have something nice to say, it’s better to say nothing at all,” he explains. “But the so-called Mexican food in Cabo San Lucas bites the big one.”
The University City marketing rep, who returned Sunday night from a week-long vacation on the southern tip of Mexico’s Baja California peninsula, was complaining to friends at a local brew-pub-salumeria.
“I spent an entire week looking for decent quinoa taquitos with pesto guacamole,” the self-described ‘foodie’ said, “and do you think I found them anywhere? No dice, dude. Zilch. Nada!”
Mas…Back from Baja vacay, local man laments Cabo’s lack of Mexican food
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Latinos who voted to reelect Barack Obama are set to receive one of the benefits he promised: Insurance against mal ojo (“ojo” insurance for short) starts on January 15.
Ojo, more commonly referred to as the “evil eye,” is treated by touching something that one is envious of or by having an abuelita rub an egg over the target of the envidia while saying a prayer.
“Access to health care is not an ‘entitlement,'” Obama told the crowd at an Olvera Street appearance in downtown Los Angles at a 2008 campaign rally. “It is a fundamental right. And as president I promise that every American, not just Latinos, will have the right to protect themselves against ojo.”
Mas…You’re entitled! Obamacare’s ‘Ojo Insurance’ option starts next week
(PNS reporting from DA BRONX) Area resident Paloma Campos is fed up with the “familiarity” at her local bodega.
Campos, a molecular biologist, complained to friends last week about the exhausting personal relationship she’s expected to maintain with bodega owner Victor Martinez (photo, right.)
“Why can’t I just buy a can of soda without discussing my personal life? Just give me my goddam Jupiña,” Campos said.
Campos first started visiting the bodega on the corner of 182nd and Grand as a young teen when her family moved to the area. Though she moved away for four years to attend college, Campos was eventually guilt-tripped by her mother to move back to the West Bronx.
Campos ended up renting the apartment directly above the small store where she has lived for the past eight years. While she was able to sublet the apartment from her cousin’s step-sons’s girlfriend’s cousin at a great price, she cannot make a simple grocery purchase without a 20-minute discussion.
Mas…Local woman tired of having personal relationship with bodega owner
(PNS reporting from PHOENIX) Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has begun Operation Rosca, a massive sweep designed to cripple the Tres Reyes smuggling cartel — the Three Kings. The cartel smuggles babies in bread and traffics in incense and precious metals, according to “America’s toughest sheriff.”
Arapio became aware of the cartel, which “came from the east,” when concerned citizens flooded his office with calls about “Middle-Eastern-looking men smelling of incense” walking westward on McDowell Road in Phoenix’ Bethlehem neighborhood. Locals reported that they asked where the Latino barrio was located, which “aroused suspicious about their status.”
Mas…Arpaio plans massive ‘Operation Rosca’ to find Tres Reyes gang
(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Jason Morales finally figured out why his “get up and go” got up and went, he told friends at Hoopy Frood’s on New Year’s Eve, and all clues point to President Barack Obama.
“President Afrika Hussein Bambata is the worst president in this country’s history,” he announced to the teeming North Mesa Street establishment after his fourth Blue Moon with an orange wedge, “and he has robbed me of my chance at the American dream.”
Mas…Local man blames Obama after ‘get up and go’ got up and went
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) With the “fiscal cliff” crisis over, congressional Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi is joining the Obama Administration’s push for a Fiscal Clit stimulus.
“President Obama has been working every angle to deliver a really generous package that will provide the kind of stimulus America needs,” Pelosi told reporters after Tuesday night’s historic House vote. “The Fiscal Clit will provide a release for tense Americans everywhere, especially for women. This has been a long and hard process, and we’re glad to see it will have a happy ending.”
Republicans were quick to renounce Pelosi’s assertions.
“There is no such thing as a Fiscal Clit,” said GOP pundit Dick Chiquito on Fox News. “No one I spoke to in the Republican Party has ever encountered a Fiscal Clit, and we’ve checked binders full of women over the last 40 years.”
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Last week, Arizona Attorney General Tom Horne proposed putting a gun in the hands of at least one kindergartner in every school and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is running with the idea.
“America’s toughest sheriff” wants a grenade launcher for every student.
According to Sheriff Joe, after he puts armed posse members near schools, he will focus on arming every student with a personalized grenade launcher to “blow the living shit out of anything that even looks suspicious…like Mexicans.”
Mas…Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s new plan: Arm AZ kids with grenade launchers
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Vanessa “Coyolxauhqui” García (photo, right) underwent a nervous breakdown at the Boyle Heights Community Development Council’s final 2012 meeting Wednesday night.
After several snotty tissues, García faced up to the vast distance between her dreams and reality.
“I can’t save the world! I can barely save myself!” she cried, wiping her tears on the sleeve of the Mexican peasant blouse she bought on her second trip to Chiapas in ’97.
“I’m, like, trying here. I just want to give back to my community, but it’s hard, you know? Not everyone is as dedicated to la causa as I am.”
Mas…Local Latina activist tearfully faces reality: ‘I can’t save the world’
(PNS reporting from VAN NUYS) Adult movie editor Roberto Mendoza was fired from his job at Burning Sensations Movie Productions last week after being repeatedly caught browsing spreadsheets on his computer.
“It started innocently enough,” he told PNS. “There I was editing a facial pop shot compilation from our Fish Tacos series, when I noticed someone had left a spreadsheet of sales figures in with the video files.”
“I’d always been a little…curious. I took a break from Final Cut Pro and opened up the file, and suddenly my screen was filled with all these rigid columns of data.”
A spokesman from Burning Sensations said that following his dismissal, an inspection of Mendoza’s computer had revealed a hidden folder containing over 3,000 spreadsheets.
Mas…Porn video editor fired for browsing spreadsheets at work
(PNS reporting from NEWARK) After 19 years of being regifted, the last known bottle of Jean Naté After Bath Splash has been returned to its original gifter here, PNS has learned.
Josefina de la Placa, a registered nurse, purchased the bottle in 1983 at the Rexall on Lafayette Avenue in Hawthorne as a Christmas gift for her brother Hector. It was regifted 19 times before she got it back at an office party Friday night.
“Well, I thought it was a nice gift,” de la Placa told PNS Sunday. “Hector is an ungrateful desgraciado.”
“What am I, an 82-year-old little lady?” Hector, an 81-year-old civil engineer, emailed this reporter. “I gave to the lady who delivers the mail.”
Mas…Last known bottle of Jean Naté is returned to original gifter
(PNS reporting from LA FLORIDITA) Arturo Marengo has discovered the secret to youth, longevity, perfect health and fitness, again.
After spending last Wednesday on WebonMD trying to diagnose the dull ache in his left index finger, Marengo stumbled across an ad for Nopalea Cactus Juice and Health Supplement.
Though in his mid 30s, Marengo, a performance artist/travel agent/dog walker, suffers from multiple health issues including a sharp pain in his knee, a strange tingle behind his right ear, a constant cramp in left big toe, and a burning feeling in his left eye (Marengo suspects the eye burning is related to his toe cramp).
Mas…Hypochondriac uncle discovers amazing Internet cure — cactus juice
Concerned Americans across this great nation covered telephone poles with flyers today as the search for missing Gov. Jan Brewer (R-AZ) galvanized the citizenry.
Have you seen a flyer in your neighborhood? Have you spotted Brewer? Email a photo to info@pocho.com and we’ll get it online ASAP. Need a flyer to print and post yourself? The large-size printable flyers are here: LOST GOV Please print and share!
*UPDATED: Concerned citizen David W in Oregon posted and photographed the flyer in his neighborhood:
Mas…Have you seen her? Search for LOST GOV takes it to the streets (photo)*
(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE) Johnny Ramírez had a huge confession to make to his Pre-Columbian Latin American history class last week. The summer he spent in Barcelona really changed him, the San Jose State junior told his fellow students during section.
“I always felt this pressure to be true to my indígena Aztec roots, you know? Even though me — and well my parents and grandparents, too — were all born right here in California, I always wanted to honor my family’s real roots,” the well-known Latino campus activist said. (Ramirez, right, was photographed at an immigrants’ rights march last May Day.)
When he was in Barcelona, he said, he realized that he had Spanish blood, too, and it wasn’t something to be ashamed of — but proud. He has a cousin, Juanita, who has hazel eyes, so obviously his family has Spanish blood, too.
Mas…Student activist confesses: ‘I’m actually mestizo, not indígena’
(PNS reporting from IOWA CITY) Brian Peterson said he started out last Friday night like any other night — catching up on his favorite telenovela so he could improve his Spanish language skills.
But this episode of El Amor No Muere was different.
“After three months of pretending like they could be just friends, Gabriela and Domingo were finally going to get together! But instead of just kissing, they ended up, well, more compromised,” Peterson told PNS. “That’s when it happened.”
HVAC specialist Peterson had watched telenovelas purely for their educational value. He wanted to learn, in his words, “how people truly and actually live” in Mexico.
Señora Hall, his old Regina High Spanish teacher who studied Spanish in Spain, once told him many students swore by telenoevelas for their educational value, and he remembered her advice when he was trying to understand what some Spanish-speaking coworkers were trying to tell him.
“I understood tech words in Spanish like ‘hot’ and ‘cold’,” he told PNS, “but I wanted to learn the nuances of Español. That’s why I started watch the shows on Spanish TV.”
Friday night, all of a sudden, without warning, Peterson noticed Gabriela Spanic’s ample cleavage and low-cut blouses for the first time.
Mas…Realization: Man watches telenovelas for boobs, not to learn Spanish
(PNS reporting from LAREDO) Tia Chita will not be hosting the annual holiday season tamalada at her house this year, she revealed to her family last night. As a matter of fact, she told stunned participants at her niece’s baby shower, she never wants to make another tamal in her life.
“First of all, I’m sick of all the gossip!” she shouted, pacing around the room quicker and quicker the more excited she became.
“I know the tamaladas are where all the comadres are supposed to catch up on ‘family news’ and everything, but did you ever think that I really don’t care who’s sleeping with whom and who’s going to have a baby? Ya estoy vieja, I’ve been a million weddings already!”
Chita is sick of everyone coming over to eat her food and then leaving dirty napkins everywhere, staining her nice couches with tamal grease, she said. Sometimes the bathroom gets stopped up, and she has to have the neighbor come over with the plumber’s snake. “He’s not a smell-good plumber,” she grimaced.
Mas…Tía Chita: ‘It’s final! I’ve absolutely, positively made my last tamal!’
(PNS reporting from PERU) Rosalin Llosa learned the hard way that absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder.
On a recent trip to her birthplace of Arequipa, Peru, Rosalin was reunited with her beloved childhood llama, Pepita. Though Rosalin raised the orphaned llama from infancy, the animal remained aloof to her presence.
“I thought she’d get all excited like in those YouTube videos,” Rosalin said, “but look at her just eating grass; she won’t even look up. Why won’t you look at me!? I LOVE YOU!”
Mas…Woman reunited with beloved childhood llama – llama indifferent