POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A FICTITIOUS CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
(PNS reporting from the EEUU) Tex-Mex restaurants across the country are banding together this week to ensure the flawed traditions of margaritas, sombreros, maracas, bastardized Mexican food and overall cultural cluelessness are again propagated upon masses of uninformed Americans this Cinco De Mayo.
Mas…Americans stick with traditional ignorance for Cinco de Mayo
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) Top officials in the Intelligence Community have confirmed to PNS that the shocking video just released by the whistleblowers at HowToProunce.org — How to Pronounce “Taco” — is totally legit and is only the first of many shockers to come. Check back here for further developments as we follow up on this breaking story.
PREVIOUSLY ON HOW TO PRONOUNCE:
(PNS reporting from HUNTINGTON BEACH) Area sales manager Rick Miller is happy to share his new-found Spanish vocabulary with co-workers, buds from the office disclosed Tuesday.
Miller (photo), who explained that he went to a barbecue Sunday over at his new Mexican-American neighbors’ house, informed early arrivals at yesterday’s quarterly sales meeting that a limon is actually what we call a lime in English, and lemons are limas in Spanish.
Mas…Area man happy to share new Spanish tips with co-workers
(PNS reporting from LATIN AMERICA) Millions of Latin Americans are on vacation this week to celebrate Semana Santa, a festival to commemorate the desecration of the region’s native cultures and the Spaniards’ forceful imposition of Catholicism through celestial acts such as rape, pillage and genocide.
Holy Week, where children are off school and adults binge drink, gives Latin Americans time to reflect upon Jesus Christ’s selfless sacrifice for humanity, despite the fact that 500 years earlier no one on this side of the world had heard of him and worshiped far cooler Gods of the sun, rain and maize. Catholic cathedrals across the region are certain to be packed with Aztec, Mayan and Inca descendants, all to give thanks and praise to a merciful God coerced into their societies by armed, greed-fueled colonialists spreading the heavenly message of El Espíritu Santo.
Mas…Latinos take week off to celebrate Catholicism’s cultural rape
(PNS reporting from MANHATTAN) For years, Latinos have insisted that they are also “Americans.” Now, U.S. President Donald Trump plans to fine them each time they use the term.
Latin-Americans have well-known fury from being excluded from the “American” membership. Each time a U.S. citizen identifies as American, the resulting argument is more intense than deciding which abuela makes the best tamales.
Mas…Trump proposes fines for Latinos who say they’re ‘American’
LUCK OF THE IRISH: Look for a pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow today at Gustavo O’Grady’s Bar y Grill on East Olmos Boulevard. The popular hangout will serve corned beef tacos, potato-stuffed chiles rellenos and beer-marinated enchilada irlanda sliders at $1 each during Happy Hour.
Happy Hour, you lucky leprechauns, lasts all day long, and GO’G’s always keeps 100 bottles of beer on the wall.
For $144 and a signed damage waiver, you high-rollers can try GO’G’s One Night in Dublin Lifestyle Tasting Menu — generous pours of Guinness and Jameson’s followed by a course of impassioned story-telling and poetry, more pours, then a rich hour of melancholy singing, pours again, all capped off by your choice of a bar fight or vomiting in the alley.
Wear a wee bit o’ green and Gay Gus O’Grady himself will kiss your Blarney Stone.
Mas…Neighborhood Guatch: Where to go, what to do on St. Patrick’s Day
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, R-Wis., revealed the GOP’s proposed Obamacare replacement Tuesday.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Donald Trump and FLOTUS Melania Trump made an unannounced 3 AM excursion to the National Mall to seek the blessing of revered former Republican President Abraham Lincoln, according to a photo released by the White House this Monday morning.
Mas…POTUS and FLOTUS in secret meetup with top GOP leader (GIF)
(PNS reporting from Москва) Stepping in to fill an entertainment lineup devoid of anyone artistic, famous, or beloved, Donald Trump backer Vladimir Putin is sending his country’s top singer to perform at next week’s Inauguration Ball.
Mas…Russia is sending their best: Trololo Guy to sing at inauguration (video)
(PNS reporting from DENVER) Chipotle Mexican Grill is planning to introduce cannabis-based comida in California, Colorado and Oregon later this year, PNS has learned. The decision follows recreational marijuana’s legalization in the Golden State, which now joins its two neighbors on America’s High Frontier.
The new vegan/vegetarian product — dubbed Mota Al Pastor — will replace the reviled Sofrita tofu-based mock meat mezcla that has insulted palates since the chain’s opening. Mota al Pastor will be served in burritos, in tacos, and as a topping for nachos.
Mas…Chipotle to sell cannabis in California, Colorado, Oregon
(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) Local #207 of the Federation of Turd Polishers (FTP) has chosen “The Mainstream Media” as the recipient of their 2016 Golden Dookie Award, PNS has learned.
The union will cite the news media’s whitewashing of Donald Trump’s hate, xenophobia, racial prejudice, misogyny, lies, bullying, sexual assault, fraud, and foreign entanglements as “the new normal.”
“They polished the shit right off of that turd,” one FTP official told PNS.
Mas…FTP Local #207 taps ‘Mainstream Media’ for 2016 Golden Dookie Award
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON D.C.) President Barack Obama will launch a new career when his term ends — a career as a jazz saxophonist, PNS has learned.
Insiders at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue say the president has been spending almost every weekend for the last six months practicing his tenor saxophone, a gift from former President Bill Clinton, rehearsing, and recording with his band. His first CD — Barry Blows the Blues — will drop January 21, the day after Donald Trump’s inauguration.
Sources tell us these are the Pocho Ocho Top Tunes — recorded in “Living Stereo” — featured on Barry Blows the Blues:
8. Yes, I Kenya
7. Livin’ in a Cracker’s Paradise
6. Michelle
(PNS reporting from the ALT YORK CITY, ALT YORK) The Wednesday issue of the local “Alt-Right” newspaper — The Putin Press & Patriot — was prepared to report a Hillary Clinton’s election victory as an “attack” on America, PNS has learned (photo.) [Editor’s Note: A “newspaper” is an pre-Millennial period analog instantiation of intellectual property — i.e. “content” — fixed on a physical medium comprised of a data-carrying chemical reagent and processed dead trees.]
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Leading Catholic personalities gathered here this week to address a simmering controversy in the official Divine Advent & Manifestation Union (DAMU): members claim that La Virgen de Guadalupe (photo, center) is a publicity hog when it comes to miraculous appearances.
“Can’t the Son of God just miraculously appear on a slice of toast without someone copying me?” asked Jesus Christ (photo, right). “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for faith and everything, but she goes out of her way to appear on everything! Am I right, people?”
Another virgin in attendance, rarely-seen La Virgen de San Juan (photo, left), said that although she’s “totally cool” with being a lesser-known virgin, she will never be able to grow her Twitter following or sell more CDs when Guadalupe is always “hogging the spotlight.”
“The union has rules for a reason, so everyone has a chance at appearing on tortillas or an oil stain,” San Juan told PNS. “I don’t expect to be number one — I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about the Mother of God here — but I do expect my fair share.”
Mas…Religious figures to Guadalupe: You’re a ‘miraculous appearance hog’
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Friends and neighbors of Daniel Cardenas are frantically texting each other this morning after his ex-girlfriend Flora Moreno noticed the 28-year-old regional insurance manager didn’t share a new TGIF meme on his Facebook, something he had done weekly since 2010.
“He’s usually reliable as clockwork,” Moreno noted in a group chat.
“He posts something cynical about the work week on Mondays, taco memes on Tuesdays, ‘hump day’ jokes on Wednesdays, some retro shit on Throwback Thursdays, and every Friday, a new Thank God It’s Friday pic.”
The fact that Thursday’s #TBT cover photo (above) remained on Cardenas’ FB wall as of 6 AM PDT Friday morning scared her, she said.
Mas…BREAKING: Pals fret as local man fails to thank God it’s Friday
They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.
Hollywood, Dec. 23, 1958. Singing cowboy Gene Autry‘s Challenge Records signed hard-drinking rockabilly singer/piano-player Shep Devereaux to produce four sides. Devereaux, originally from New Orleans, booked the Flores Trio (Danny Flores on saxophone and keyboards, Gene Alden on drums, and lead guitarist Buddy Bruce) to back him up. They recorded three rockabilly numbers and an up-tempo mostly-instrumental track composed by Flores, a song jokingly called “Chingate.” The song’s lyrics consisted of just that one cussword, repeated three times and featured a blistering sax solo by Flores.
When Autry, in the control room, heard “Chingate” he knew it was a hit, but realized the name had to change, so he asked for suggestions for three-syllable phrases from the band.
“Horchata!” “Tu madre!” “Pendejo!” The musicians were full of ideas.
Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Pianist Shep Devereaux
They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.
When a liberal Supreme Court justice retired in 1998, Pres. Jed Bartlet and his staff thought this was the perfect opportunity to increase approval ratings with a politically “safe” nominee, Judge Peyton Harrison.
The retiring justice, a liberal, was not impressed by Bartlet’s choice and urged him to consider another candidate. Bartlet asked his aide Toby Ziegler to review their decision. Ziegler, after walking and talking with other habitues of the West Wing, was uncomfortable with the prospect of losing the easy confirmation, but complied.
Zeigler learned that Harrison once argued against a guarantee of privacy, and told Bartlet a backup candidate should be vetted as a possible replacement nominee.
Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: The Honorable Jed Bartlet
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) Donald Trump, Wharton School Class of 1968, is the new cover boy of a University of Pennsylvania alumni magazine mailed today to Penn grads across the country.
Mas…Donald Trump makes cover of Penn alumni magazine (photo)
They were ordinary people living ordinary lives, until one singular sensation of circumstance conspired with fate to make them UNSUNG HEROES OF HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH.
In 1978, a young Chicano actor from Montebello, CA went to tailor Yossi F. Berkowitz to try on a new suit custom-made for his starring role in a Los Angeles play. Right away, he noticed that the coat sleeves were too long.
“No problem,” said Berkowitz, a long-time shop owner in nearby Boyle Heights. “Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it’s fine.”
Mas…Unsung Heroes of Hispanic Heritage Month: Berkowitz the tailor
“Hispanic” Heritage Month, the officially-approved celebration of Latinx and their contributions to the United Estates of America, started Thursday.
Donald Trump’s GOP has proposed their own list of praise-worthy Hispanix for next year’s fiesta — assuming Trump wins — and POCHO has gotten a sneak peek at their nominations.
Peep this Mexclusive list of the Pocho Ocho Top GOP Picks for Latinx Heritage Month 2017:
8. The Frito Bandito
7. The Taco Bell Chihuahua
6. The Chevy No Va
(PNS reporting from SANTA CHANCLA, CA) Streets were quiet here overnight as the city’s emergency ban on Pokémon Go went into effect at midnight.
Santa Chancla is the first city in California to ban Pokémon Go players within city limits, a ban authorized in response to widespread threats by white male terrorists.
“Every time you turn around some crazy young white guy is murdering someone — and these kids are running around in groups together? I don’t think so. Not in my town,” Mayor Juan Lopez told a press conference at City Hall this morning.
Mas…City calm after white male terrorist Pokémon Go ban (video)
(PNS reporting from CLEVELAND) Jailhouse emergency wards here are filling up with RNC delegates placed on 72-hour mental health holds following “disturbing the peace” arrests.
Clevelanders have been swamping 911 with reports of out-of-town Republicans incoherently screaming, “acting all hatey ‘n’ shit,” and/or “dreaming impossible dreams” after being ordered to cease and desist.
“If the cops don’t immediately drop whatever they’re doing and investigate Michelle Obama’s ‘connection in ISIS who gives her steroids,’ for example,” one ER intake psychiatrist told PNS Sunday, “these GOP loconauts accuse the police of treason. That’s why we’re calling the mass derangement syndrome Treasonnaires’ Disease.”
How can YOU tell if a delegate to the Republican National Convention might be suffering from Treasonnaires’ Disease?
Here are the Pocho Ocho Most Alarming Symptoms:
8. PARANOIA: Scared of real-life encounters with “those Negro actors” who starred in The Cleveland Show.
7. ACTING OUT/ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: “Open carries” an AR-15, drinks Heinz 57 and huffs WD-40.
6. VIOLENT VERBAL OUTBURSTS: “Who let Obama in my mama jama’s ding dong?” one patient asked, over and over. Bless his sweet heart.
Mas…Pocho Ocho most alarming symptoms of RNC Treasonnaires’ Disease
(PNS reporting from SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA) A “Study Abroad” student received some upsetting news last week when she realized nothing around her looked like the Lonely Planet guidebook she was carrying.
Becky Miller, a 21-year old geography major from Louisville, KY, was scheduled to spend three months in San Jose studying Spanish as a student with Veritas University. Her plans are now very much in doubt after she blew most of her savings in central California on San Jose Shark hockey games and visiting the Winchester Mystery Mansion.
Mas…‘Study Abroad’ gringa is slow to realize she’s really in Califas
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The FBI is warning citizens to be on the lookout for hungry zombies attracted by the brains spewed from the exploding heads of diehard Bernie Bros.
Bernie Sanders supporters’ brains, the Feds said, are piling up on the streets of gentrified neighborhoods across America.
The brainiac explosions followed Sanders’ endorsement of Democratic presidential nomination rival Hillary Clinton this morning.
“These zombies especially love the entitled taste of Bernie Bro brains,” FBI spokesman Whitman “Ken” Jump told a press conference here today (photo). “We’re calling them Zombros.“
Mas…BREAKING: Bernie Bros’ exploding heads spur FBI zombie alert
Suegra remains skeptical that he didn’t receive assistance
(PNS reporting from LIBERIA, COSTA RICA) Local man Ramón Sosa Quesada stunned his friends and family Saturday when he single-handedly cooked his own dinner after finding himself home alone with no prepared meal.
Sosa, whose wife goes to choir practice on Saturday evenings, said he felt completely lost when he could only find dry rice and raw platanos in the family’s kitchen. He then fell into complete panic when he tried to order servicio express from A’s Chicken and realized his cell phone was out of saldo and he’d spent his final colones on a 6-pack of Rock Ice Limon.
“Mae, I was really looking forward to some steamy hot A’s in my mouth,” Sosa said. “I tried eating dried pasta, coffee grains, garlic cloves, everything. When I saw an advertisement for Popeye’s Chicken on TV, I collapsed to the floor and wept.”
Father and Son Chile-Eating Contest: Quién es más macho? The East Pocho Optimists Club once again sets up shop at Fernando Valenzuela Field for their annual chile-eating contest, which pits father-son teams against each other to see who can ascend the Picante Podium of Pain. The winning team wins even more chiles! Sunday, noon.
Bronche: Angry Bull cocktails (Red Bull, tequila, orange juice) are just $3 and dads get all the Mexican Meatloaf Sliders they want for free on Father’s Day at TGI Viernes in the Rancho Pocho Mall. Sunday 10 AM – 2 PM. Mention my name, Chale Knickerbocker, for a blank stare.
Mas…Around Our Town: Puro Party Picks for Father’s Day Weekend 2016
Gringo instructor adamant class loves him
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) A business English language class at Intel, Inc. unanimously agreed in a recent questionnaire that teacher Bryan McNutt’s two strongest abilities are being a painfully oblivious gringo and poor wardrobe choices.
The group of six, who requested their names be withheld, filled out the survey about their teacher after complaints were filed about the quality of classes he was providing. A big part of the problem, one student explained, was McNutt’s sartorial choices.
“Every five seconds he’s grabbing his Ropa Americana and pants so they don’t fall down,” one student said. “Is it school policy for every teacher to look like a poorly-dressed Mormon missionary?”
Mas…Student survey results: ‘Gringo ESL teacher is an ignorant slob’
Pochos, by definition, can’t speak Espanish. We’re here to help.
Mas…Pronunciation for pochos: Cotija, tomatillo, huarache, taqueria
(PNS reporting from HEREDIA, COSTA RICA) Eruptions from the Turrialba Volcano continued Thursday, spewing even more ash into the air.
The explosions are the most recent in the increasingly violent activity from the volcano. Scientists are warning that if preventative measures are not taken soon, the entire central valley will become covered by pigpen-levels of ash.
Mas…Costa Rica experts say virgin sacrifice would ease volcanic activity
(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.
The Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.
Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.
Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.
But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.
Mas…In Puebla, MX, narco cartel killers crush French gangsters
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital.
If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by the Lincoln Administration in Washington.
“Oh simon, it was gas,” said one eyewitness rushed from the front by the cavalry. “French General Pepe Le Pew knows he is losing the la guerra and he is desperate. We think it is the deadly gas de brie, which these queseros love.”
Mas…Breaking Ñews: Did French troops use poison gas in Puebla?
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Company claims indigenous communities lived on maiz, tortillas and McRibs
(PNS reporting from CHICHEN ITZA) In a fresh effort by McDonald’s to prove that “tamales are a thing of the past,” the U.S. food chain has opened locations at famed Aztec and Mayan sites of Teotihuacan and Chichen Itza, with plans to expand to Guatemala’s Tikal and Peru’s Machu Picchu, according to a spokesperson.
Mas…McDonald’s plans Golden Arches for Teotihuacan, Chichen Itza
