Pocho Ñews Service

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A FICTITIOUS CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

Taco Bell plans poetry-grilled ‘Verso-Quesarito-Burrito’

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elpoetryburrito(PNS reporting from CHICAGO) Cheesy burrito fans and hashtag activists, your prayers have been answered! Taco Bell will debut a new menu item Monday – the Verso-Quesarito-Burrito, a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla with Mexican poetry written on the tortilla.

The VQB is a ground “beef” burrito with rice, chipotle sauce and reduced-fat sour cream in a grilled quesadilla full of melted American cheese.

You can also order the quesadilla-burrito hybrid with shredded chicken or steak. As an added bonus, the Verso-Quesarito-Burrito will feature poems written on the tortilla by Mexican day laborers. They’ll be versifying using only gluten-free ink, of course (photo.)

Mas…Taco Bell plans poetry-grilled ‘Verso-Quesarito-Burrito’

Back from the dead and running for Congress, it’s Cesar Chavez!

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newchavez(PNS reporting from TUCSON) Cesar Chavez — noted American farm worker, labor leader and civil rights activist — is back from the dead and running for the congressional seat being vacated by retiring Rep. Ed Pastor (D-AZ).

“I will do just about anything to win in Arizona’s heavily Hispanic 7th Congressional District,” Chavez said in a press release, “including rising from the grave if that’s what it takes.”

A Chavez spokesman said the newly-registered Democratic candidate (until recently a two-time Republican loser) had been “flooded with calls” and was no longer speaking to the press, but if he did decide to answer questions, he would not discuss how he came back from the dead or what the afterlife is like.

Mas…Back from the dead and running for Congress, it’s Cesar Chavez!

Why Rep. Joe Garcia (D-Miami) picked his ear wax, ate it on TV (video)

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garcia-pick(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) A close look at a recent C-SPAN video reveals that Florida Democratic Congressman Joe Garcia, Jr. picked his ear wax and ate it on live TV, a Cuban folkloric ritual rarely seen outside Miami’s Cuban-American community.

“La Ceremonia de la Cera del Oído can be traced to a curandero who lived in Guantanamera, Cuba around 1750 or so,” University of Miami Professor of Anthropology Freso “Biff” del Blanco told PNS.

“By eating the ear wax in public, the eater hopes to symbolically ingest and consume all that he is hearing through his ears, to better understand the cacophony of voices in his head.”

Mas…Why Rep. Joe Garcia (D-Miami) picked his ear wax, ate it on TV (video)

Did Puerto Rican lawyers cause rise in bed-fall fatalities?

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people-who-died-by-falling-out-of-their-bed_number-of-lawyers-in-puerto-rico(PNS reporting from CAMBRIDGE, MASS) Did you know that the more lawyers there are in Puerto Rico, the more people die from falling out of their beds?

That’s the startling statistical relationship discovered by the prestigious Harvard Law-school-based Spurious Correlations Institute, one of many recently revealed on their website.

Mas…Did Puerto Rican lawyers cause rise in bed-fall fatalities?

POCHO Asks America: How did you celebrate Cinco de Mayo?

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POCHO sent reporters to bars and parties, barbecues and parades all across the United Estates to find out how Americans were celebrating Cinco de Mayo. Here’s what they said:

Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

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broncof(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Ruben Covarrubias astounded family and friends here Sunday night when he admitted that the meaning of Cinco de Mayo didn’t concern him and he’d always thought “May 5 was Mexican Independence Day, so like so what?!”

“I don’t care what it’s about,” he told everyone within earshot of the backyard grill. “I just always celebrated it with MEChA and at school. Partay!”

Friends and family at the Covarrubias’ weekly carne asada were aghast. Some reconsidered whether they’d be driving back to El Sereno next week, multiple witness reported.

Mas…Shock confession! Local man doesn’t care what Cinco de Mayo is about

Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

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Federales clean up bodies after cartel Battle of Puebla

(PNS reporting from PUEBLA, MX) Federales have finished cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead, PNS has learned.

The  Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.

Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.

Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.

But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.

Mas…Cartel street fight in Puebla, MX crushes French gang invaders

Stars to record ‘You Are An ^%$#’ for Donald Sterling [photos,video]

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Stars from television, music and sports are set to gather in the old A&M sound stages (now the Henson Studios) on La Brea Avenue here today to record a rebuke to Donald Sterling, racist owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Galvanized by community organizer Emiliano Zapata Shabazz-Jones, who wears the mantle of slain civil rights pioneer Ricky Martin Luther King, the assembled stars will record The Donald Sterling Song — You Are An ^%$#.

“This ain’t no National Honky League,” Shabazz-Jones wrote in a scorching email scheduling the superstar session, “and we ain’t dancing to no Sweet Georgia Brown on Maggie’s Farm no more!”

Mas…Stars to record ‘You Are An ^%$#’ for Donald Sterling [photos,video]

Texas GOP politician’s Tweet makes him ‘Pendejo of the Month’

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univisiondebate(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Texas State Senator Dan Patrick, a Republican Lieutenant Governor wannabe, was named Pendejo of the Month Wednesday by the American Pochismo Institute (API.) The award followed his Univision debate Tuesday with San Antonio Mayor Julián Castro (photo.)

API’s designation, which is usually not revealed until the end of the month, was awarded Wednesday to Patrick for actions “Above And Beyond the Call of Douchery” after Patrick sent this Tweet Tuesday evening about how much he loves “Hispanics:”

Mas…Texas GOP politician’s Tweet makes him ‘Pendejo of the Month’

Mom feeds baby salsa to mooch burgers (photos, video)

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(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO ESTATES) In a shocking file uploaded to the Internets last week, a mom in suburban Southern California has been captured on video feeding her baby hot salsa in a baby bottle in order to pay for her husband’s “picante burger” habit.

In the video, a spicy burger pusher known only as “Jack” — his true identity hidden by a grotesque disguise — rings the family’s doorbell and pretends to be religious missionary so the neighbors don’t suspect. “Do you have three minutes to talk about spicy hamburgers?” he asks burger-junkie Juan Desperado, who opens the door.

jackfrontdoor

“I have some something here I think you’ll like,” the pusher says.

Mas…Mom feeds baby salsa to mooch burgers (photos, video)

Local PC user laments passing of Windows XP: ‘RIP, BSOD!’

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xptattoo(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) “It’s a sad day, ese,” said Ray “Code Boy” Santos, OG founder of area hacker clika MS2 (MS.DOS). “I saw the Windows XP Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) so often, he was mi hermano.”

“We used the XP version of Excel to tweak the hydraulics of Felipe’s ranfla. And I used to have weird dreams about the 3D pipes screensaver,” he told PNS Thursday. “All we had for music in those days was pinche Winamp, carnal, and we liked it!”

Mas…Local PC user laments passing of Windows XP: ‘RIP, BSOD!’

Mexican garbage men perfect low-impact trash collection (video)

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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Trash collectors in the high-technology “Silicon Barrio” here have perfected a new technique for picking up basura that is greener and faster than traditional methods.

As this demo video shows, drivers in León never stop and re-start their trucks — which would mean wasted fuel and extra airborne pollution. Instead, they rely on inertia to keep the trucks on the route and advanced ballistics to perfect the trajectories that move the soft trash containers into the truck’s cavernous interior with a minimum of effort.

Mas…Mexican garbage men perfect low-impact trash collection (video)

Pope: ‘Quakes are message from God: Let there be gay’

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popebylalocropped (PNS reporting from VATICAN CITY) The recent earthquakes in Southern California are a message from God, according to Pope Francis. The Almighty, he told a visiting delegation of American Catholics Monday, will shake things up until they are more gay.

“Lord knows this mortal world needs some bright flashes of color that aren’t suicide bomb explosions in crowded markets,” the Pontiff said.”And maybe some marigold-print cafe curtains in that drab nook over there.”

Mas…Pope: ‘Quakes are message from God: Let there be gay’

Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert

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pochlandiawidealertstatus(PNS reporting from the EAST LOS ANGELES) Pocholandia security officials issued a terrorist alert this morning prompted by the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines MH370 over the Gulf of Thailand or the Strait of Malacca or wherever that shit happened, yo.

“I am alerting you terrorist pendejos. Stay the hell out of East Los!“ said spokesman Gustavo “Little Lalo” Madrigal of the Minivan Crips, a volunteer neighborhood watch group.

“The AMERICAN ME ORANGE ALERT is the second highest alert classification used by the Pocholandia Security Advisory System, bitches, so watchale!” he added.

Graphics by Victor Payan via Hollywood Sign Generator and Personal Threat Level.

PREVIOUSLY ON TERRORIST THEATRE:

Mas…Breaking: Malaysian jet mystery prompts terrorist alert

El Chapo Chronicles: Too many Guzmans confuse New Jersey Jews’ news

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dudeballoonwrongguzman(PNS reporting from LAKEWOOD, NJ) The story was confusing for the few Ultra-Orthodox Jews who get their world news from The Lakewood Shopper, a free “penny saver” community weekly newspaper published here.

The Shopper mistakenly included a photo of actor Luis Guzman in a story about Mexico’s arrest of drug cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman.

Mas…El Chapo Chronicles: Too many Guzmans confuse New Jersey Jews’ news

Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest

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lemonelchapo(PNS reporting from McALLEN, TX) Police departments throughout the Rio Grande Valley delivered pink slips en masse this week following news that Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán had been captured by Mexican authorities in the resort town of Mazatlan.

“It’s kind of a mixed bag for us,” Hidalgo County Sheriff Lupe Treviño said. “On the one hand, illegal drugs are now utterly and completely vanquished from our streets. On the other, (Hidalgo County) Commissioners Court has already cut our budget for next year by 90 percent.”

Treviño, who was reached while fishing in the Gulf of Mexico, responded to Guzmán’s capture like many of his counterparts at all levels of law enforcement nationwide: by quietly folding his office’s entire narcotics unit and slashing the rest of the criminal investigations division from a staff of hundreds down to five full-time deputies.

Mas…Breaking: Drugs disappear from Texas after El Chapo’s arrest

Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result

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Yolanda Corpus 2(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) During his morning coffee break, local accountant, Lawrence “Lencho” Flores, completed a survey that appeared on his Facebook timeline called, What Selena Character are You? According to sources, Flores was deeply disappointed with the result of Yolanda Saldivar as his character.

According to the quiz, Flores is Yolanda Saldivar who “when you feel slighted, watch out!”

Mas…Man disappointed with ‘What Selena Character are You?’ quiz result

Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games

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xochitlgames(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Hundreds of competitors and an equal number of spectators are expected for the opening of the first Xochitl Games here tomorrow.

The so-called “Indigenous Olympics,” organized by the Nahuatl Athletic Council Organization (NACO), hopes to share some of the buzz from the regular Winter Olympics, in Sochi.

NACO is especially counting on people who are unsure how to spell the name of the Black Sea resort city in the Google search window, or even better, can’t spell when booking airplane and hotel reservations through Travelocity.

Mas…Breaking: Hundreds expected Friday at Mexico’s Xochitl Games

Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

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Bill-Clinton almadrigal400 Kanye-West

(PNS reporting from FORT WORTH, TX) Leon Ortiz (photo, center) was scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed last week when he saw a post that changed his life forever. The post, co-authored by former President Bill Clinton (photo, left) and pop star Kayne West (photo, right), celebrated the importance of following your dreams.

“You know, I think it was Fate — with a capital ‘F.’ It was 3:42 PM on a Thursday and I was feeling frustrated at my account manager job at an international insurance company. I felt a spiritual lightness I had never experienced before,” the Arlington Heights man told PNS.

“It was amazing, like all my ennui and weltschmerz was gone!”

Mas…Breaking: Fake Facebook post changes Fort Worth man’s life

New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

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juanfrijoles(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Researchers at Guanajuato University of Technology (GUT) have confirmed that beans (frijoles) are not only one of the oldest and best sources for protein in the Americas, but that they are indeed “a magical fruit.”

“Beans are one of the gifts from the New World to the rest of us,”  lead researcher Dr. Germán Gutiérrez told a press conference here Tuesday. “They supply magical sounds, as well as protein and lots of fiber.”

Mas…New study: Beans (frijoles) are indeed ‘the magical fruit’

Breaking: Here’s how Obama plans to ‘give America a raise’

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sotuanimated(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) President Barack Obama plans to use his executive powers to raise the minimum wage for employees of Federal contractors and he wants corporate executives and local and state officials to do the same.

“Give America a raise!” he said in his State of the Union address Tuesday night:

In the coming weeks, I will issue an Executive Order requiring federal contractors to pay their federally-funded employees a fair wage of at least $10.10 an hour – because if you cook our troops’ meals or wash their dishes, you shouldn’t have to live in poverty.

Additional Obama initiatives are aimed at the Latino community. Sources close to the President have told PNS to expect the Administration to implement these additional programs in the coming weeks:

Mas…Breaking: Here’s how Obama plans to ‘give America a raise’

Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

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brooklyn(PNS reporting from BROOKLYN) Bank loan officer Leticia Martinez dumped her almost boyfriend Uriel Loya and kicked him out of the house after their first full-on sexual encounter Sunday night.

“He was saying he was gonna give it to me, and that I ain’t never seen nothing like this, and all that bullshit. Ugh! So lame!” Martinez, 25, lamented to PNS.

“Why do guys always have to lie about how big their pipis are?!”

Loya, 28, an architect, was quiet after leaving Martinez’s rent-controlled apartment, shivering, pacing on the sidewalk, looking up at her window, hoping she would give him a chance to explain.

Mas…Penis size lie sends suitor outside to shiver in the cold

America to pause Monday for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2014

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America will pause Monday to remember the life and message of Ricky Martin Luther King Jr., whose Tengo a Dream y Dance! speech changed the nation forever.

Post offices and other public facilities will be closed, banks and stock exchanges take the day off and salsa picante and sweet potato pie – his favorite snack combo – are on sale all across America. Today would have been RMLK’s 34th birthday.

Despite his tragic death in 2007 (he was shot and killed by the president of his fan club before an appearance in Dallas) King’s promotion of “love, equality, justice, innocence, malice, refuge, oppression, freedom” has continued to resonate among confused Latinos and Anglos alike.

Mas…America to pause Monday for Ricky Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2014

U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless

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scotus(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The United States Supreme Court has voted 5-4 to change that appeal thing some lower courts were dealing with earlier (you know, back and forth and shit?) no matter que chingados the people think.

POCHO will share more details as the situation develops here in Our Nation’s Capital.

Mas…U.S. Supreme Court votes 5-4 to change that thing, irregardless

MADDEF rates 2013 a ‘Mestizo Year’ for Chihuahuas in media, online

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brains(PNS reporting from BEVERLY HILLS) 2013 was a “Mestizo Year” for Chihuahuas in the media, according to the Mexican American Dog Defense and Education Fund’s (MADDEF) annual It’s A Dog’s Life report released here Monday.

The study carefully tallies and grades Chihuahua representations in pop culture (TV, radio, Internets, books, newspapers, magazines, videos, pop music, video games, etc.), scientifically sniffing the butt of America’s complicated relationship with the popular canine.

2013’s record was mixed, the group lamented, and the prospect of increased levels of anti-Chihuahua defamation in 2014 “remains troubling, especially in cyberspace, where mocking the perritos has become a viral ‘meme.'”

Since the death of superstar Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua in 2006, the image of all Chihuahuas has been on the decline, the study noted, presenting this widely-circulated and ignorantly-misspeeled illustration of an alleged “zombie” Chihuahua as just one piece of evidence (photo, right.)

Mas…MADDEF rates 2013 a ‘Mestizo Year’ for Chihuahuas in media, online

New tablet, mobile apps and wearable tech products star at CES 2014

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cholabutttattoo(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) Exciting new tablet/mobile apps and wearable tech were the stars at Friday’s Cholo Electronics Show (CES) here.

Generating the most buzz was the free Chologram™ app from Firme Junior Systems of Oakland. The Instagram wannabe showed off software with patented La Vida Loca Lifestyle image effects, including the one-click application of teardrop tattoos to a facial image. The premium version ($5.99) removes teardrop tattoos from a photo. The application runs on iOS and Android systems, smartphones and tablets. No pinches Windows phones.

Mas…New tablet, mobile apps and wearable tech products star at CES 2014

American Paletero Association calls Polar Vortex ‘a hoax’

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paletero01(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) The “so-called Polar Vortex is a hoax” according to a statement just released here by the American Paletero Association (APA.)

“It’s always paleta weather,” the statement said. “Listen to APA: It’s never too cold for ICE.”

“Also,” APA warned, “don’t eat the yellow raspa.”

Paletero by Ramiro Gomez.

POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO INC., A CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT.  DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.

New Year Ñews: Local man says Obama stole his American Dream

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passedoutbig(PNS reporting from EL PASO) Jason Morales finally figured out why his “get up and go” got up and went, he told friends at Hoopy Frood’s on New Year’s Eve, and all clues point to President Barack Obama.

“President Afrika Hussein Bambata is the worst president in this country’s history,” he announced to the teeming North Mesa Street establishment after his fourth Blue Moon with an orange wedge, “and he has robbed me of my chance at the American dream.”

Mas…New Year Ñews: Local man says Obama stole his American Dream

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