Pocho Ñews Service

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PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

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wholefoodshipster(PNS reporting from PORTLAND) Mario Rojas grew up in a tough Chicago barrio, but since he moved here for college he’s gotten soft, according his friends and family. His old street cred is gone, they worry, and he doesn’t resemble the Mario they used to know.

“He’s all into that hipster shit, organic and whatever, qué es eso? Organic ni nada, ponte a trabajar!” said Rojas’ father, Mario Sr., when contacted by PNS.

Eating a gluten-free alfalfa sprout and chevre cheese taco on an organic blue corn tortilla — and then getting tagged in an Instagram photo by his friend Maggie — didn’t helped Mario Jr.’s reputation either. Until the stylized photographic foul-up, Rojas kept his family in the dark by never sharing pictures of his newly-grown beard, clothes, or food preferences.

Mas…PDX resident loses street cred after Whole Foods Instagram snafu

Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

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rickperryreelection(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) Rick Perry told a crowd of press and supporters here Monday that he will not seek another term as Texas governor when his term expires in 18 months.

Instead, the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history said he was going to do the unthinkable: move to California to turn the state back into a Republican stronghold.

“Now that Democrats have set their sights on Texas, I want to return the favor and head to the Golden State and bring a brand of compassionate conservatism that ruled the state in the good ol’ days,” the  former GOP presidential nominee wannabe said.

Mas…Breaking: Rick Perry moving West: ‘Let’s turn Cali red!’

Breaking: Bolivia says U.S. ‘racially-profiled’ Morales’ jet

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not_evo(PNS reporting from LA PAZ) Bolivian Pres. Evo Morales is angry that the United States “racially-profiled” his jet as it was leaving a conference in Moscow and forced it to land in Austria, the whitest country in Europe.

Bolivian Foreign Minister David Choquehuanca, who was mistaken for Morales at a press conference in Vienna, said the incident last week was a clear case of racial profiling, as the first question authorities asked the pilot when they landed was, “Do you know why we pulled you over?”

Austria charged the plane matched the description of another plane that was suspected of smuggling fugitive U.S. intelligence leaker Edward Snowden out of Russia, and that its tail light was out, according to Choquehuanca.

Mas…Breaking: Bolivia says U.S. ‘racially-profiled’ Morales’ jet

Texas Senate to ban ‘non-traditional’ colored sneakers on floor

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wendysneakersbig(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Texas Senate is set to pass legislation to ban “non-traditional” colored sneakers on the chamber floor.

Sen. Dan Ireland (R-Dallas) introduced Senate Bill 5 to “raise sartorialism of the chamber by mandating the use of traditional colors of sneakers.”

The Texas legislature has begun its second special session to push through legislation that sent thousands of Texans to the Capitol to protest last week.  Ireland called these Texans the “unruly mob, whose decorum and multi-colored footwear, left much to be desired.”

SB5 “mandates that all sneakers worn shall be plain white.”

Mas…Texas Senate to ban ‘non-traditional’ colored sneakers on floor

Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do this July 4

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FIREWORKS: Mission Pocho Viejo American Legion Post 536 once again presents their Annual Fireworks Extravagonzo Thursday at sunset. This year the pyrotechnics are sponsored by the Japanese-Mexican-American-owned Mexikosher in LA’s Pico-Robertson district. The show, America Such A Country, is a tribute to new Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti who is Jewish, Mexican AND Italian! Such a country! Moms: bring your blankets and sit the kids on the grass at Sotomayor Stadium. Dads: Do NOT bring your own fireworks.

INK AND DRINK: Two businesses in the El Rancho Pocho Downtown Historical District are getting together for a patriotic combo deal that’s hard to beat. Get any flag or patriotic tat at Inky Dinky’s House of Pain on Porciuncula Place Wednesday through Sunday and Inky will slide you a $10 pre-paid bar tab for the Loco Lounge next door. And guys, if you like thick chicks, you’ll love new tattoo artist Salma’s Fernando Botero-inspired portraits of your true hyna, right over your heart.

Mas…Around Our Town: Where to go, what to do this July 4

Defense contractors on immigration bill: ‘Time to get a new Beemer’

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(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, DC) The Senate’s approval of a bipartisan “immigration reform” bill Thursday — a bill which Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) says will create “the most militarized border since the Berlin Wall” — has defense contractors talking, and drooling.

The hot topic? The untold millions of dollars that may become available if Uncle Sam gets serious about “security.”

It’s the inevitable transition, cynics say, from Eisenhower’s old-school military-industrial complex to the new Post-Millennial MIGRA-Industrial Complex. But government contractors and suppliers have a more nuanced view.

Mas…Defense contractors on immigration bill: ‘Time to get a new Beemer’

Online surge of Constitutional Law, Bible experts slows the Internets

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(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) The Internets slowed to a virtual crawl yesterday as millions of experts in Constitutional Law and The Holy Bible took to Twitter and Facebook to educate ignorant netizens about the God-hating freedom-attacking Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage.

“It was definitely a brownout, dude,” according to 18-year-old Jaime “Twitchy” Loftwich, who runs the worldwide computer network from the basement of his mom’s home in Palo Alto. “Hella load,” he emailed PNS. “I haven’t seen ping times like that since Kim Kardashian was rushed to Cedars-Sinai!”

Mas…Online surge of Constitutional Law, Bible experts slows the Internets

Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) The Texas Senate is currently considering a bill that would outlaw “looking too Mexican in public.”

Senate Bill 32 was introduced by senators from East and North Texas who say the law will celebrate American and Texas culture.

“Texas has a proud and long history of being American, or Texan, and that should be celebrated,” said Fort Worth area Republican Sen. Alice Boswell.

“It’s not like Texas was never Mexico, so why should Mexicans here be allowed to celebrate that culture?”

Mas…Texas legislators want to outlaw ‘looking too Mexican in public’

Accused rapist? Fugitive spy? Ask your travel agent to ‘Do Ecuador’

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(PNS reporting from QUITO) You don’t have to be an accused rapist hiding from the Swedish police like Julian Assange or an alleged spy like Edward Snowden to consider asylum in the República del Ecuador.

That’s the message of the new Do Ecuador marketing campaign from Ecuador’s Ministry of Tourism, which was announced in this high-altitude capital city Monday.

“There are only 15 million of us here in a country that covers 109,000 square miles, so come on down!” gasping-for-breath State Secretary for Tourism Gandalfo Gordo explained between hits of oxygen at a press conference in the newly-remodeled Safe House Hotel, formerly El Motel Seis.

Mas…Accused rapist? Fugitive spy? Ask your travel agent to ‘Do Ecuador’

Flash: ‘Foxy Farmworkers’ set for Fall premiere on Fox

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Hoping to capitalize on the Devious Maids buzz, Fox will jump on the stereotypical Latino programming bandwagon with a new entry this fall called Foxy Farmworkers.

The show will follow a quirky group of “young, single and ready-to-mingle” Mexican farmworkers as they make their way from the impoverished US-Mexico border to fields in Washington, Oregon, Montana, Michigan.

Between backbreaking 14-16 hour days in the sun and working in the fields, the young men manage to get themselves into a world of trouble chasing after petite, white women in the towns they pass through, breaking hearts along the way.

Mas…Flash: ‘Foxy Farmworkers’ set for Fall premiere on Fox

Animal Planet Latino launches controversial show ‘Devious Mermaids’

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Animal Planet Latino will be premiering a new “documentary” series that has stirred the waters of controversy.

The new cable show, Devious Mermaids, will explore the lives of five captured Latina mermaids who live in a giant tank on display at a Florida aquatic park set in the fictional town of Orlando.

Critics of the show are disturbed by what they call misleading and unrealistic portrayal of Latinas.

They also are assailing creator Marc Cherry, charging that as a middle-aged landlubber, he is insensitive when it comes to interpreting the experience of Latina mermaids.

Mas…Animal Planet Latino launches controversial show ‘Devious Mermaids’

Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms

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paletero640(PNS reporting from WALL STREET) Summer has begun baking the country, and that means just one thing on Wall Street: A steep rise in the value of paleta stocks.

“We all look forward to a seasonal bump in the iced treats sector.  This year, Navidad came early,” said Alexander Wiseman, a desserts and novelty/snack food analyst for investment bank Barney, Smith & Locke.

“The paletas de coco seem to be particularly big sellers thus far, but more conservative investors are sticking with the time-tested favorites, such as fresa and limón. Ah, nothing really cools you down like a lime paleta,” he told PNS.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: Paleta stock prices heat up as Summer looms

Flash: Man is only a misogynist when at his mom’s house

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(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) Mario Villarreal isn’t considered a misogynist by most of his friends — he even has female friends — but everything changes once he crosses the threshold of his mother’s home here.

“All of a sudden, he’s struck with a sudden case of mamitis, which in turn causes his machismo to come out,” said Monica García, who is Villarreal’s friend outside of the confines of his mom’s.

“He’s pretty down most of the time, he came out to Take Back the Night and the Chicana Women’s Forum we held last month,” the UCLA junior said. “But when I went home to his mom’s house he was all, like, telling her what to do while sitting on the couch when clearly she was tired. What a jerk!”

Mas…Flash: Man is only a misogynist when at his mom’s house

Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Some Texans are ashamed of last night’s racist online reaction to 10-year-old mariachi singer Sebastien de la Cruz’s performance of The Star Spangled Banner at the NBA finals here.

“We can do better!” shouted one local activist at a hastily-called demonstration outside AT&T Center today.

“How can we expect more people to join our racist krusade if we persist in really sloppy spelling, inconsistent capitalization, confused subject-verb agreement and endless repetition of stale cliches?” said Stanley Merdkopf, president of the local chapter of Organized Racist Crackers for America (ORCA.)

Mas…Texas reacts to mariachi kid anthem racism: ‘We can do better!’

Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale

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(PNS reporting from LAS VEGAS) Guitar hero and chart-topping band leader Carlos Santana has put his 7,240-square-foot, four-bedroom, six-bath home up for sale as part a 12-step program to “mend…[his]..evil ways” and simplify his life, PNS has learned.

“When I come home, Baby, my house is dark and my pots are cold,” he told area Realtor® Babette “Call Me Baby” DiFranco when he gave her the Skybird Court listing. The home is offered at $3,499,900.

The amazing state-of-the-art luxury home with million-dollar Strip, golf, city and mountain views is located on an oversized lot in Redhawk at The Ridges and allows one to relax in the spacious master retreat with a fireplace and large balcony with stunning views. And that’s where the guitarist’s problems began, according to DiFranco.

“House put a spell on me, Baby, turnin’ my heart into stone,” Santana told the real estate agent. “It’s like I need you so bad, but I can’t leave you alone.”

Mas…Carlos Santana mends his evil ways, lists Las Vegas house for sale

Flash: Three authors get Castaneda Research Bullshit Award

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(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Carmen Reinhart and Kenneth Rogoff, authors of the mathematically-challenged Growth in a Time of Debt pro-“austerity” study, and Jason Richwine, the Heritage Foundation researcher who claimed Hispanics have lower IQs, are the recipients of the 2013 Carlos Castaneda Award for Academic Bullshit, it was announced today.

The prize is named for the Peruvian-born UCLA anthropologist and cult leader who wrote several best-selling books about a Yaqui brujo that were marketed as truth but turned out to be bullshit. It’s presented annually to “those academic authors who manage to fool some of the people some of the time.”

The award, which features a $19.99 monthly stipend and a year’s supply of vegetarian “sausage” for the winners, is a community project of the Soyrizo Foundation of Los Angeles, which is “dedicated to recognizing and celebrating phony-ass shit wherever we find it, with a spicy Latin flair,” executive vice president Penn O. Kehoe said in a foundation press release.

Mas…Flash: Three authors get Castaneda Research Bullshit Award

Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’

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(PNS reporting from HOUSTON) A local teen has decided to discard her slave name “María de la Paz Rodriguez Ramírez” and rename herself “Jennifer Lopez” after her Latina idol.

“I’m tired of being kept down by the man. My slave name ‘María de la Paz’ is clearly a name with Spanish roots and my family is originally from Mexico City, the former capital of the Aztec empire,” the 16-year-old Lamar High School junior said.

“I will no longer be kept down by my conquerers’ attempts to stifle my culture.”

Mas…Lamar High junior drops ‘slave name,’ renames self ‘Jennifer Lopez’

Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) SpongeBob SquarePants is an undocumented immigrant whose family drifted into Bikini Bottom, Hawaii, from Mexico when he was child, the Nickelodeon star revealed this morning.

SquarePants (real name: Bob Esponja) made the announcement at packed press conference called by Animal Actors for Reform and Fairness (AARF), a pro-immigration reform group.

The reality TV actor plans to apply for President Obama’s Deferred Action program so he can work and drive legally.

“Sure — I’m absorbent. And porous. And as yellow as can be,” he said, his voice cracking, “but that doesn’t mean I should live in a piña under the sea.”

Mas…Flash: Bob Esponja reveals he’s an undocumented immigrant

Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year

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(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Famed Chicano attorney Oscar Zeta Acosta — who “disappeared without a trace” in Mexico 40 years ago — has once again seen his shadow while sitting on the wharf in San Blas, Nayarit. Now he’ll have to live a life of secret exile for another year.

Acosta, now 78, sits on a comfortable chair overlooking the Pacific every June 1. If he sees his shadow before a certain time, Acosta announces, “I have paid all my debts, I have paid all my dues and now nothing remains but the joy of madness. Another Indian gone amok.”

He made that exact announcement in a workingman’s waterfront pulque bar 10 days ago, PNS has learned.

Mas…Dr. Gonzo Oscar Zeta Acosta sees shadow, will hide for another year

Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

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(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) Marisa Rodriguez just wanted to look “fresh” for the summer.

What she didn’t want was the public humiliation from finding out the blue contact lenses she bought at the Mothers’ Day car show and swap meet at Traders’ Village didn’t actually make her look fresh, or more white.

“It happened at school when one of my classmates laughed at me when I asked him if he noticed something different about me,” the Harlandale High School junior tearfully told PNS.

“Justin is a bully, he just laughed at said I had a nopal on my forehead and that I looked lame with these blue contacts!”

Mas…Student stunned to learn blue contacts don’t make her look white

Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

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(PNS reporting from TEXAS) After suspending two Latino employees in an Albuquerque, NM store for daring to speak Spanish, specialty grocer Whole Foods has announced that it will be changing its name to “AssWhole Foods.”

Whole Foods PR executive Kaley Quinoa, at the company’s corporate offices in Austin, released this statement:

We feel we need to reflect the public’s view of our changing brand, and nothing would represent this view better than changing our name to AssWhole Foods.

Quinoa explained her company’s “English Only” policies this way

Mas…Flash: English-Only Whole Foods now known as AssWhole Foods

Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) A study from Princeton University has confirmed what many have long believed: Mexicans, and Mexican Americans, do not actually know how to dance to salsa music.

A Caribbean Hispanic export, salsa is often included with more typically Mexican dance styles, like the quebradita or cumbia, but the truth, according to the study, is that Mexicans don’t actually know what they are doing.

“Salsa is, like, a Cuban thing. My family is from Denver,” one research subject complained.

“Participants in the study reported anxiety and cluelessness when attending quinceañeras and hearing Elvis Crespo or Celia Cruz music playing,” said cultural anthropology professor Dr. Anton Flemming, who was the lead researcher on the project.

Mas…Princeton Study: Majority of Mexicans don’t know how to dance salsa

Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

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(PNS reporting from SILVERLAKE) It was a shocker when encaustic and collage mixed-media artist Ben Brown found out.

Even though he spent two years of high school learning Español, his habit of dropping a word or two in Spanish into day-to-day English conversations has not increased his “street cred” even un poquito.

The self-proclaimed free-spirit, a three-year resident of this trendy “East Hollywood-adjacent” neighborhood, said he had to face the fact that others did not perceive him as special or cool merely because said “hermano” or “comprende” at the end of his sentences, and they weren’t impressed by the pains he took to pronounce the double R in words like “burrito” or “ferrocarril.”

Mas…Speaking bad Spanish makes Silverlake artist look like douche

Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black

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(PNS reporting from NEW ORLEANS) The “Honorable” Judge Edith Jones further angered civil rights and animal rights activists today when she issued a statement claiming killer whales were more violent than other sea life because they are black.

Jones, who was blasted for her earlier assertion that blacks and Latinos are more violent than Caucasians, ignored a court-ordered injunction to stop embarrassing herself and loudly voiced her controversial opinion about the beloved aquatic mammals at a bar association “power breakfast” in the French Quarter this morning.

Her comment was spurred by the new documentary Blackfish, which deals with a tragic killer whale-related fatality at Sea World.

Mas…Update: Judge says killer whales more violent because black

Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

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(PNS reporting from CANADIA) David Pérez became the first NAFTA mojado when he crossed illegally into Canadia Saturday.

The undocumented worker from Jalpa, Zacatecas first crossed the Rio Grande into the United States near San Elizario, TX, 10 years ago seeking employment in El Norte.

After working in El Paso for a year doing construction, he continued north, staying with relatives in Denver, Chicago, and Minnesota.

“I kept searching for El Norte and there was always more Norte to explore,” Pérez told PNS.

Mas…Flash: Worker slips into Canada, becomes first NAFTA mojado

Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

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(PNS reporting from AUSTIN) A rainy day failed to damper the spirits of people marching against Genetically Modified Organisms in downtown Austin Thursday.

With signs proclaiming JUST SAY NO TO GMO, the crowd rallied on the steps of the Capitol to protest the “seeds of destruction” they say GMO foods present to society.

Not all the people at the rally supported that viewpoint, however.

“Frijoles should be GMO, so Mexicans can grow,” said Richard Salazar, a software engineer who stands 5’6″ tall and is the president of the local chapter of Itty Bitty Mexicans or IBMs.

Mas…Not everyone hates GMO foods; Itty Bitty Mexicans back GMO frijoles

Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

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(PNS reporting from PASADENA) Bob Lowe recently discovered that — for some reason — he is disliked by all his coworkers.

He explained the confusing situation to PNS Wednesday afternoon as he poured himself the last cup of coffee, left the empty pot on the heating element, and walked away without making more.

“I just don’t get it, you know?” he said. “I mean, maybe I take peoples’ lunches sometimes, big deal, you know? What did you think was gonna happen if you left food in the fridge?”

Lowe’s officemates on the eleventh floor have complained to company Vice President of Human Resources Mike Cervantes numerous times about Lowe’s inability to keep deadlines, hapless attempts to get others to do his work, refusal to learn new things, terrible personal hygiene and general rudeness in the 10 months since he was hired, but to no avail.

Mas…Breaking: Pasadena asshole complains ‘No one likes me’

Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand

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(PNS reporting from PRINCETON) Area handyman Alfredo Serricchio (photo) plans to sue Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) for the “egregious medical malpractice” that resulted in the amputation of his right hand, his lawyer announced Tuesday.

“He’s just this hard-working, formerly right-handed immigrant who was fixing a rich doctor’s roof and the next thing you know he has only one hand, and it’s his left hand!” attorney John E. Brockman told PNS.

“He’s a handyman for Pete’s sake! You can’t be a handyman without a hand! That is indubitably egregious, irresponsible, unconscionable and irrefutable, and we think it’s worth six million dollars!”

Alfredo, a construction worker at Dr. Lisa Cuddy’s house, had complained on Sept. 27, 2005 that his asthma was acting up, and then fell off the roof onto the concrete. At PPTH he could not breathe, and Cuddy noticed two of the fingers on his right hand turned purple, according to Brockman. “His glove didn’t fit,” he said. “They had to admit.”

The attorney continued:

Mas…Breaking: Princeton handyman sues hospital for loss of hand

Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine

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(PNS reporting from OKLAHOMA) Standing by a pile of debris that once was an elementary school, President Barack Obama on Sunday called the destruction caused last week’s tornado “fairly devastating” and vowed to seek additional funding to increase the catastrophic power of his weather control program.

Obama’s E-5 category tornado killed two dozen people, ripped a 17-mile-long corridor of destruction through the suburb of Oklahoma City, flattening entire blocks of homes, two schools and a hospital.

“This is nothing. Obviously we can do better,” the president said, standing on a block where lumber, bricks and concrete that used to be houses and businesses lined the side of the street. Items that survived the disaster – a blender, a pink baby carriage – stood in stark contrast to most of the wreckage.

Mas…Obama visits Oklahoma to inspect damage caused by weather machine

Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

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(PNS reporting from WAUKEGAN, IL) Erlinda Morales has wanted an MBA degree for years, but it wasn’t until a Facebook ad for the University of Phoenix popped into her newsfeed that her dream began to come true.

“All I had to do was click on the ad, fill out a form, and all of a sudden I’m in graduate school getting my Masters in Business Administration! This is the happiest day of my life!” she posted on a Facebook Status Update Sunday afternoon.

“They’re such a big deal, they have ads everywhere — not just any school would be able to advertise like that,” she bragged.

Mas…Breaking: University of Phoenix admission thrills local woman

Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen

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(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Charlie Sheen today announced the launch of Carlos Estevez, a new line of Charlie Sheen created to appeal to Hispanic preferences and to specifically meet their needs based on the unique way Hispanics approach entertainment.

Charlie Sheen’s new product targets the burgeoning Hispanic market, now valued at a trillion dollars a year.

The Carlos Estevez line of Charlie Sheen is based on extensive consumer research and will be available soon in the new Robert Rodriguez Machete Kills film, and eventually in various TV commercials for personal injury attorney services and Budweiser Lime-A-Rita spots.

Mas…Charlie Sheen debuts ‘Carlos Estevez’ line of Hispanic Charlie Sheen

Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

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(PNS reporting from SAN BERNARDINO) Mary Hernandez has a problem: she’s addicted to Takis. The 17-year-old Californian cannot get enough of the spicy imported Mexican corn chips.

“She eats Takis all the time instead of real food,” lamented her mother Laura, while stirring a pot of beans. “She needs real food; look — she’s getting too skinny!”

Hernandez, a senior at San Bernardino High School, said her Takiphilia began when a friend offered her “just a little taste” behind the gym after school. She snuck a bite and has been madly munching away since.

Mas…Breaking Ñews: San Bernardino teenager addicted to Takis

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