POCHO ÑEWS SERVICE PNS IS A WHOLLY-FICTITIOUS SUBSIDIARY OF POCHISMO, INC., A FICTITIOUS CALIFORNIA CORPORATION, WHO IS A PERSON ACCORDING TO THE SUPREME COURT. DON’T ASK US, WE JUST WORK HERE.
(PNS reporting from SILICON VALLEY) Internet security companies here are warning PC users a new threat could be hitting their email inboxes this week: Mal-Ojo-Ware.
The malicious software penetrates a users’ PC via an inviting email from an attractive young woman or man and then takes control of the computer and sticks the user with mal ojo.
(PNS reporting from PHILADELPHIA) American singer Jon Secada has begun to crawl out of the ground in the Mid-Atlantic area.
The now 50-year-old Secada reemerges every 13 or 17 years somewhere in the eastern half of the United States.
The last time Cuban-born Secada went underground was in 1996, two years after releasing Heart, Soul and a Voice. During his absence he somehow managed to quietly release two greatest hit albums and two Christmas albums, both in English and Spanish.
After re-emerging, Jon Secada typically sheds his crunchy brown exoskeleton and will spend a few weeks of adulthood mating and laying eggs in tree branches. He will also release yet another greatest hits or holiday-themed collection, definitely in Spanish.
(PNS reporting from LOS ANGELES) Outgoing Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villariagosa has a proposal for incoming mayor Eric Garcetti: Be my wingman.
Villariagosa has been contemplating life after being LA’s mayor — and it’s not looking good. Reviewing his taste for power and dating attractive women who would be out of his shorty league if he weren’t powerful, Villariagosa told PNS he’s worried.
Mas…Villaraigosa’s proposal to new L.A. mayor Garcetti: ‘Be my wingman’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON) A bruised, battered and patched-up Immigration Bill cleared a major hurdle Tuesday as a bipartisan 13-5 vote kicked Bill out of the Judiciary Committee and onto the Senate floor.
POCHO caught up with Bill in his dressing room after the committee vote and got him to agree to a short, on-the-record interview:
POCHO: You sleazed past the tricky gay partner trap, you sucked up to the high tech lobby, you bribed the security-is-our-business government contractors and now you’re one step closer to becoming a law. So how does it feel?
IMMIGRATION BILL: What do you want me to say? I’m just a Bill, I’m just a Bill and I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill.
POCHO: How do you get the strength to maintain day after day? What’s your secret?
Mas…Immigration Bill clears Senate committee on way to becoming law
(PNS reporting from MIAMI) South Beach resident Christina Patricia Santiago is planning to leave Facebook on Friday, according to a Status Update she published Sunday night.
Responding to a question from Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who asked Santiago “What’s on your mind?” when she logged into her account, the 32-year-old media buyer for a boutique advertising firm told 442 Facebook “friends” she does “not have time for this bullshit.”
“Nikki: I don’t care who Selena Gomez is seeing,” she wrote.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Randolph Snopes (R-AL) plans committee hearings next week to investigate reports that “illegal immigrants” from Mexico are encoding secret messages in sneakers hanging over telephone wires — messages about how to avoid police, sell drugs and promote terrorism, PNS has learned.
Snopes, chairman of the Unamerican Activities Committee, maintains that evidence of “sneaker-encoded propaganda” has been covered up by “high echelons of the Obama Administration,” according to leaked committee documents circulating on Capitol Hill.
Mas…Breaking: Congress to probe ‘illegal immigrant sneaker code’
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Barack Obama gave up his efforts to pass comprehensive immigration reform this week, informing Republican leaders that he didn’t care about reform anymore.
“Fuck it!” Obama reportedly told Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in a conference call Tuesday.
“I don’t care about reform anymore, are you happy? Don’t pass it, see if I fuckin’ care!”
Washington insiders say that the president’s sudden change of heart on immigration has less to do with his actual desire to see reform pass and more to do with tactical consderations. Every time the president wants to pass legislation, Republicans balk — so if he doesn’t want to pass immigration reform, the thinking goes, conservatives will play along.
Mas…Obama says ‘F★ck it’ in tricky bid for GOP immigration reform votes
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(PNS reporting from GUANAJUATO, MX) Previously-secret startup MasaTek.com today unveiled a hardware/software combo that uses 3D printing to print corn or flour tortillas with the religious or brand image of your choice.
“The waiting is over!” Carlos Molinero, president of the Silicio Barrio company, told reporters here. “You need Jesus? He’s just a click away. La Virgen is always on deck!”
The WiFi-enabled printer is the size of a small microwave and has a hopper on top for masa. It uses open source 3D software, Molinero said, and is easily addressable with standard CAD tools.
Mas…Breaking: Silicio Barrio startup demos 3D tortilla printer
(PNS reporting from SAN DIEGO) Horton District travel agency Mad Mad World Tours is now offering a new cosmetic surgery/tour package featuring makeovers in beautiful Thailand, the company announced today.
The tours, organized in partnership with the Bod Thai Clinic of Bangkok, Thailand, promise an all-expenses-paid two-week luxury trip to the southeast Asian country and a procedure called a frental nopalectomy. The forehead surgery promotion targets upscale Mexican-Americans.
Mas…Breaking: San Diego firm offers Thailand plastic surgery tours
(PNS reporting from EAST LOS) A new web series on Hulu is poised to blow the lid off the unprecedented rise of sexy Latinos currently overrunning East Los Angeles. The series, East Los High, is a riveting expose of the rapid “sexrification” of the historically low-and-slow Chicano community.
“The kids at East Los High are hot, they’re ripped, and they can dance,” said Garfield High School alum Alberto “Sleepy” Gonzalez. “When I drop my kid off at school, it looks like he’s stepping into another country, like Puerto Rico.”
Mas…New ‘East Los High’ web series exposes sexrification of East L.A. (video)
(PNS reporting from BELIZE CITY) The Nohmul complex, an ancient Mayan pyramid in the north of this Central American country, was recently bulldozed by a local contractor who used the crushed rock to “fill” a road. Nohmul was utilized as a ceremonial center 2,300 years ago.
After public outcry from archaeologists, local authorities said they would investigate the demolition.
Belize real estate attorney Alejandro Bolsa de Duchez defended the destruction:
Mas…Breaking: Ancient Mayan pyramid foreclosed on, demolished
(PNS reporting from SAN MARCOS, TX) Seventeen-year-old San Marcos High School senior Byron Chavez called someone’s mother a “wetback” in a comment on a Facebook photo yesterday — Mothers Day.
Chavez, the grandson of Mexican immigrants, used the W-word in response to a widely-circulated picture of a young woman at an immigration reform rally holding a sign reading “Fuck Weed. Legalize My Mom.”
Chavez posted “Fuck your wetback mom! Legalize Weed!” 30 minutes after his cousin Lauren Saucedo posted the image on her timeline .
“I was taken aback by his comment,” Saucedo emailed PNS. “Our grandparents were immigrants who came from Mexico looking for a better future.”
Mas…Stoner Latino student calls woman’s mom a ‘wetback’ on Facebook
(PNS reporting from PENNSYLVANIA) Crickett Firearms has recalled My First Rifle over safety concerns about the toxic paint used to coat the firearms.
“Our kids’ safety is utmost, so we are pulling some of our children’s weapons, especially the brightly-colored Hello Kitty model,” says Crickett spokesperson Wes Smithson.
Mas…Breaking: Crickett recalls kids’ rifles over safety concerns
(PNS reporting from LONDON) Downton Abbey executive producer Gareth Neame said today that newcomer Gary Coleman’s addition to the British show “will bring interesting twists to the drama.” The cute-as-a-button actor has most recently been seen in various American sitcoms and reality programs.
His Downton character, Arnold Jackson, is described as “a charming and charismatic” young man. The long-awaited addition marks the first time Downton has had an adorable black character.
Mas…PBS ‘Downton Abbey’ series adds first adorable black character
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) America’s observance of Cinco de Mayo on Sunday was the “most dangerous ever” according to a report released here today by the National Institute of Holidays (NIH.)
A record 1378 emergency room visits by gringos failing the “chile challenge” were reported by the group as well as 287 “chancla accidents.”
Mas…Breaking: Sunday’s Cinco de Mayo called ‘most dangerous ever’
(PNS reporting from SAN ANTONIO) The recent loud family dispute at her home here was due to “pura envidia” on the part of her husband’s people, according to Adelia Lázaro.
“They are just envidiosos because we have worked hard to have this mock-Tudor home in Stone Oak closer to the north side than them,” the San Antonio native and mother of three told PNS.
“They just want what we have and can’t be happy for us!”
Mas…Stone Oak woman claims family spat was due to ‘pura envidia’
(PNS reporting from MEXICO) Federales are cleaning up the streets of this southeastern city after a three-day battle between area gangsters and a French gang left 83 locals and 462 gabachos dead.
The Marseilles gang (“La Eme”) — sent to collect a drug debt allegedly owed by the Puebla-based Ignacio Zaragosa clika (the “Zetas”) — was overwhelmed by the fierce Mexican gangbangers.
Faulty HUMINT (human intelligence) was also a factor.
Based on bogus tips from informants who called themselves “los mentirosos,” which La Eme interpreted as “mentors,” the frogs engaged the enemy at noon. La Eme expected the Zeta sentries to be taking siestas with their sombreros pulled so low they couldn’t see the advancing gunmen. And the close-by burros? The French plan relied on the overhwhelming odor of naturally estanky donkeys to mask the telltale scent of French breath-de-fromage.
But the Zetas were not asleep and those weren’t your mother’s burritos.
Mas…Cartel street battle in Mexico ends in rout of French gang invaders
(PNS reporting from Edinburg, TX) A corn tortilla was released from its physical shell and achieved enlightenment last night when it was inadvertently consumed by fire during Gil Trejo’s dinner preparations.
The University of South Texas assistant professor of Latin American literature was heating the traditional Mexican flat bread to accompany leftover frijoles con queso when he became distracted by an intense scene in the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. He sat down in his living room, thoughtlessly leaving the comal unattended.
Alone, on the flat metal griddle, the tortilla de maiz burst into flames, releasing its essence from saṃsāra and leaving behind naught but the charred husk of its temporary shell.
Mas…Corn tortilla achieves enlightenment on unattended Texas comal
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) French invaders fighting indigenous militias in the state of Puebla are using poison gas, according to situation reports circulating here in the capital.
If the reports can be substantiated, it marks a dangerous escalation in the hostilities, and would mean Napoleon III’s troops have “crossed a red line” set by the Lincoln Administration in Washington.
“Oh simon, it was gas,” said one eyewitness rushed from the front by the cavalry. “French General Pepe Le Pew knows he is losing the la guerra and he is desperate. We think it is the deadly gas de brie, which these queseros love.”
Mas…Breaking: Mexican troops say French use poison gas in Puebla
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Inspired by NBA basketball star Jason Collins’ recent revelation that he’s gay, beloved Mexican singing star Juan Gabriel will make a special announcement tomorrow, PNS has learned.
An exclusive interview with Balones magazine will feature this stunning quote from Gabriel:
(PNS reporting from HOLLYWOOD) Actor and film director Zach Braff has raised $2 million in three days to fund a follow-up to his 2004 film, Garden State.
Over 30,000 Kickstarter backers pledged $2.1-plus million to Braff’s Wish I Was Here, with 25 days left in the campaign.
Not everyone is pleased with the results of this highly-successful crowd-funding effort. Chicano filmmaker Cuahctemoc Esperanza is upset that Braff raised millions yet no one has pledged any Kickstarter money for his documentary Chicana/o Vegan-themed Musical Resistance in Chiapas During the Early 90s.
Mas…Latino filmmaker claims Zach Braff stole his Kickstarter funding
(PNS reporting from ATLANTA) Reese Witherspoon trotted out her East L.A. roots over the weekend after her husband was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol.
“Who do you think you are?” Reese demanded during the traffic stop. “You can’t treat my man like that! Do you know who I am? If you don’t know now, you will soon, cabrón! Ain’t nobody mess with my man but me!”
Witnesses said Witherspoon’s head bobbed back and she waved her arms erratically.
From the police report:
Mas…Reese Witherspoon goes chola, defends her man from pig cops
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The Centers for Disease Control is warning of an emerging epidemic hitting middle-aged men who have just begun to go bald and gain weight.
Medical experts are terming the new outbreak “small pipi syndrome” and the list of symptoms is alarming:
Mas…CDC health warning: Small pipi syndrome hits middle-aged men
(PNS reporting from OXNARD, CA) Sam Fuentes is certain he and his kids would be dead today if God hadn’t intervened.
“The Lord Almighty — with a strong hand and an outstretched arm — saved us from the Grim Reaper, that’s for sure!” the Del Norte businessman and father of two told PNS. “That salsa coulda killed us, but it didn’t.”
Fuentes called the POCHO ñewsroom tipline (408-POCHO-28) to share his story.
The brush with death by salsa, his voicemail said, began Sunday morning after church when he began preparing pot roast for his children Selena, 9, and Chente, 11, who were “his” over the weekend per terms of the custody agreement with his ex-wife Evangelina.
“I got the recipe right off the Internets from the Herdez gente. I trust Herdez Salsa Casera. I have toda confianza, just like the label says. It’s Mexico’s favorite and my mom always swore by it,” Fuentes said:
Mas…Oxnard man says ‘Hand of God’ saved family from salsa poisoning
(PNS reporting from TEXAS) Tejanos want singer Freddy Fender’s wig back.
The Música Committee of the Narciso Martinez Cultural Arts Center in San Benito last week demanded the British Museum effect “the immediate return of this important Tejano cultural item.”
The salt-and-pepper Afro-style toupee, called “Freddy’s Fro,” disappeared from the singer’s home shortly after his death in 2006 and reappeared this winter in the Museum’s “Ethnic Minorities in the United States” exhibit on a mannequin of the singer, best known for his 1970s’ hit Wasted Days and Wasted Nights.
Mas…Angry Tejanos demand British Museum return Freddy Fender’s wig
(PNS reporting from ARIZONA) Gov. Jan Brewer has signed into law a bill banning the state’s schools from teaching Chechen Studies classes, defined as history, anthropology and literature courses designed to teach the stories, histories, struggles and triumphs of the Chechen people through their own unique perspectives.
The bill (HB2013) passed by the Legislature states that schools will lose state funding if they offer any courses that “promote the overthrow of the U.S. government, promote resentment of a particular race or class of people, are designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group, advocate ethnic solidarity or just plain educate the students.”
(PNS reporting from RANCHO POCHO, CA) With defiant shouts of “Don’t Cauc me, bro!” and “Chechnya? I just metchnya!” dozens of Caucasian-Americans filled the corners of city parks and the edges of town squares across the Nation Sunday to protest what they call “illegal racial profiling” against Caucasians.
The identification of two Caucasian-American suspects in the Boston Marathon bombings has resulted in both nasty words and police harassment, they claim.
Mas…Caucasian-Americans rally across U.S. to protest racial profiling
(PNS reporting from SAN FRANCISCO) Marce “More-Say” Figueroa discovered her talent for poetry this time last year when her roommate told her she was talking in her sleep.
After that conversation, Figueroa started writing down the random words that popped into her head when she woke up. Soon, she realized what she was really writing was poetry — and April is National Poetry Month!
“Angie my roommate was all, like, ‘Wow Marce, that’s great,’” she told PNS. “She was so inspired that I started writing more poems, and after a reading in the City College of San Francisco cafeteria, I changed my name to More-Say, instead of Marce, because it’s like poetry, you know?”
Mas…Latina discovers talent for poetry by saying random words slowly
(PNS reporting from BOSTON) CNN has identified the three Mexican women suspected of the Marathon bombing, sources say:
Three obese Mexican women…are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack.
“My top-level sources have confirmed that the individuals depicted in these photos planned, coordinated, and put into effect this week’s deadly bombing,” said CNN reporter John King, speaking of the trio of overweight Hispanic women, two of whom reportedly died in the late 1990s and one of whom has never actually visited the United States.
Mas…CNN identifies three Mexican mujeres wanted for Boston bombings
(PNS reporting from MEXICO CITY) Famed Mexican porn star Alejandro Montejainas was honored at a gala reception in Mexico City’s Zona Rosa last week.
Montejainas, who first gained public notoriety in his landmark 1967 film Chilito Lindo, has starred in more than 70 productions in a career that spans nearly four decades.
Perhaps best known for his political porn film El Sex-enio, Montejainas was a staunch advocate of sexual liberation in Mexico. In 1977 he founded a production studio, Buscochurro, which helped transform the Mexican sexual landscape with such films as Espaldas Mojadas, Buki Nights, Señor Treviño, Dong Juan, Santo vs. Blue Bolas, Shower of Gold and the 10-part series Ynez Sin Barreras.
Joining Montejainas at the head table were fellow industry heavyweights Rudy Alegre, Johnny Listo and Amber Tamalera. One of the highlights of the evening was the arrival of a telegram from former Mexican Pres. Carlos Salinas de Gortari which referred to Montejainas as “a friend to the Mexican home video industry.” The telegram was later read aloud to the audience.
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) warned Wednesday that “radical Islamists” are being “trained to act like Hispanic[s]” and cross the U.S.-Mexico border.
“We know Al Qaeda, which has changed its name to Al Pastor, has camps with the drug cartels over there on the other side of the Mexican border,” he warned on C-SPAN.
“Arabs are now being trained to come in and act like Hispanics instead of radical Islamists. They teach them to say ‘homeboy’ instead of ‘habibi,’ they show them how to watch ‘telenovelas’ instead of Bin Laden videos. It’s pure evil!”
Mas…Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): Beware of the Mexi-Muslim threat
(PNS reporting from WASHINGTON, D.C.) The “Gang of Eight” immigration reform plan revealed yesterday mandates a Border Patrol Agent Clone Army, according to details released by Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL.)
“Two hundred thousand clones are immediately available for deployment on the border” when the bill passes, a jubilant Rubio said at a Capitol Hill press conference this morning. “The minute Obama signs the bill, we’ll send in the clones!”