Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something
See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago? We’ve got eight little-known factoids right here:
8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really delivery from Uber Eats
Mas…Pocho Ocho little-known factoids about the first Thanksgiving
President Barack Obama will defy Republican haters tonight and reveal “executive actions” to “fix the broken immigration system.”
Our sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue have shared a copy of the 5 PM EST speech and we can now reveal the Pocho Ocho top immigration reforms you’ll hear in the President’s address to the Nation:
8. If Central American child refugees can pat their heads and rub their tummies at the same time, they can cut in line.
7. Families of DREAMers are OK to stay if they mow the lawn.
6. Badges, stinking or otherwise, no longer needed.
Mas…Pocho Ocho top immigration actions Obama will reveal tonight
The Twitterverse exploded with charges of racism yesterday following pork-pushing restauranteurs Dave & Buster’s #TacoTuesday Tweet fail. (Photo of Tweet, since deleted from the company’s timeline.)
Even pimp-my-product professional journal AdWeek was pained by the chain’s gigantic boner:
And your massive brand Twitter fail of the day goes to … Dave & Buster’s!
Mas…Pocho Ocho top Tweets Dave & Buster’s planned to send next
Hey you Latinos – do you know your place in cyberspace?
Forget .COM, .ORG, and .NET and move on up to the new .SOY Top Level Domain, “the place for Latinos online,” brought to you by domain registrar Google, Inc. (screencap above).
What? The Goog explains:
.SOY is the domain name for Latino identity and expression on the web. .SOY can be anything you want it to be. It’s your place on the web for your voice, your business, or your bold new idea. Claim your name and join the .SOY community today.
You didn’t sign up yet? You better hurry because cool names in this Internet ghetto are going fast. We think these are the Pocho Ocho Coolest .SOY internet domains, but they already could be claimed, so click and learn:
8. KIKKOMAN.SOY
7. YODA.SOY
6. BOY.SOY
Mas…Pocho Ocho coolest addresses at new ‘.SOY’ Top Level Domain
When he flew away from his British owner in Torrance, CA four years ago, Nigel talked with an English accent. When he returned last week, the talented African gray parrot spoke Spanish.
Here are the Pocho Ocho top phrases Nigel the Parrot picked up on his Raza Vacation:
8. No más “Nigel.” Mi nombre es “Miguel” ahora.
7. El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
6. Polly quiere un Takis.
Mas…Pocho Ocho top new Spanish phrases learned by Nigel the Parrot
Americans are worried about the chances of a future Ebola epidemic.
But is there really anything to be scared about? After all, there are Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola:
8. Nobolas
7. Tres bolas
6. Cebolla
Mas…Pocho Ocho diseases that are way more dangerous than Ebola
In these troubled times, God[ess] knows, we could use some help from indigenous, culturally-appropriate deities.
Here are the Pocho Ocho top Aztec gods we could sure use today:
8. Chingilipochtli, god of payback
7. Guautemoc, god of amazement and wonder
6. Spocktezuma, god of living long and prospering tambien
Your California Department of Motor Vehicles has standards, you know, and not every request for a personalized/vanity license plate can be accommodated, even though they still hope you’ll like them on Facebook. It’s not personal, dude, no hard feelings. K?
“Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles’ office of vanity plates,” SFGate.com esplains, “where three full-time state employees review some 90,000 applications for personalized license plates each year and, citing poor taste, turn down thousands.”
Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho rudest vanity plate requests declined by the DMV:
Mas…Pocho Ocho rudest vanity license plates refused by the DMV
An Australian company has compiled the Top 100 get message abbreviations they use in Oz (photo) and we realized the list from way way overseas totally leaves out the abbreviations we pochos use.
Here are the Pocho Ocho most popular Spanglish text message abbreviations:
8. FTP: Fuck That Puto
7. ADM: Ay Dios Mio
6. NMG: No Mames Guey
Tuesday’s disastrous Brazil-Germany FIFA2014 World Cup futbol match, which ended in Germany whipping the host country 7-1, has saddened the nation (photo.) And on Wednesday, Brazil’s soccer fans were struggling to understand what exactly went wrong.
We analyzed press and social media reactions and translated from the Portuguese to bring you their Pocho Ocho top reasons for Brazil’s FAIL:
8. Blame it on the bossa nova, with its magic spell.
7. All those pesky Hitler clones on the Brazil team let Germany win.
6. Alemania? We thought we were playing Ally McBeal!
Mas…Pocho Ocho top reasons for Brazil vs Alemania futbol FAIL
Used to be you could always celebrate the Fourth of July along the border in the most patriotic way: by detonating illegal Mexican fireworks.
Here are some of our favorite dangerous Mexican fireworks from when men were men, and fireworks were weapons grade bundles o’ fun!
8. Guadalajara Guarheads
7. Tijuana TNT
6. La La La La La Bomba
Mas…For July 4, try these Pocho Ocho favorite Mexican fireworks
As POCHO amigo Gustavo Arellano noted Friday, Chipotle Mexican Grill pulled a boner when it decided to put short stories from ten famous authors on its cups and bags but couldn’t find one Latino with words worthy enough to wrap its burritos.
There’s now a Facebook book group organizing around this issue and the Pochodores have been brainstorming inspirational packaging ideas as well.
First off all, short stories? Srsly? TL;DR, amiright?
Here are the Pocho Ocho more upworthy Latino quotes Chipotle should have used:
8. There’s a reason you separate the military and the police. One fights the enemies of the state, the other serves and protects the people. When the military becomes both, then the enemies of the state tend to become the people. (Commander William Adama.)
7. Repression….Recession. It’s all the same thing, man. (Cheech Marin.)
6. In a way, all of us has an El Guapo to face some day. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be the actual El Guapo. (Lucky Day.)
Mas…Pocho Ocho upworthy Latino quotes Chipotle should have used
The wreck of slave-trader and hopelessly-lost “explorer” Christopher Columbus’ Santa Maria flagship has been found off the coast of Haiti, according to reports.
The ship’s five-century-old cannon was looted but archaeologists are excited by eight unusual items they were able to retrieve from the ship, the Pocho Ocho weirdest items found on the Santa Maria:
8. Antique syphilis specially imported into the Western Hemisphere by his crew
7. The most extensive collection of 15th-century porn ever found outside the Vatican Library
6. A Ferdinand and Isabella “after sex selfie” oil painting
Mas…Pocho Ocho weirdest things found in Columbus’ Santa Maria shipwreck
The more you use the Internets, the more likely you are to lose your religion, according to a new study.
America is less religious than ever before. The number of Americans who reported no religious affiliation has been growing rapidly, doubling since 1990. That kind of rapid change matches another societal trend — growth in Internet use. The percentage of Americans who say they used the Internet went from nearly zero in 1990 to 87 percent this year.
Now, a detailed data analysis finds the two trends aren’t just related, but that wider Internet use may actually be leading us to lose our religion.
Mas…Losing your religion on the Internets and Pocho Ocho other things
U.S. Latinos went to the movies in 2013 way more often than other ethnic groups, according to the Motion Picture Association of America. Latinos are 17% of the population but account for 32% of moviegoers who went to more than one movie a month.
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers:
8. Air conditioning
7. You can sneak in your own meal
6. Fewer crying kids than at a birthday party
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons why Latinos are Hollywood’s best customers
Tea Partier Ted Cruz, the Canadian United States Senator (R-TX), hates avocados, the fruit of a tree native to Mexico and Central America, classified in the flowering plant family Lauraceae along with cinnamon, camphor and bay laurel.
We just learned from a blog post that this Canuckian “public servant” allegedly confessed his shameful prejudice in an interview last October, but sometime since then, the original evidence mysteriously disappeared.
(Crack Malaysian detectives are investigating the disappearance.)
Of course, this Grand Old Pendejo official has many other skeletors in his closet — the Pocho Ocho Other Things Sen. Ted Cruz Hates Besides Avocados:
8. LIFE cereal.
7. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
6. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Mas…Sen. Ted Cruz hates avocados (allegedly) and Pocho Ocho other things
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer won’t run again, she announced Wednesday, but said her retirement as governor won’t put an end to her dreams.
“A mule is an animal with long funny ears,” she told an audience at a school in Glendale, AZ, “she kicks up at anything she hears. Her back is brawny and her brain is weak, she’s just plain stupid with a stubborn streak. So when I walk out of this school, I’ll still remain a stupid mule.”
There are Pocho Ocho items on her bucket list, Brewja said:
8. Realize her dream of starting a clothing optional retreat with Sheriff Joe Arpaio
7. Spend more time with her coven
6. Convince George Lucas to cast her as Evil Yoda in the next Star Wars movie
Selfies are fun, but we all hate them anyway. It’s hard to understand, but we wanted to compile a list so we were all on the same page.
8. The “It’s that time of the month” selfie featuring sanitary napkins or tampons, either used or not, and/or a sad face.
7. The “I’m in the bathroom but I swear I didn’t just take a shit” selfie featuring a peace sign, your face, the bathroom mirror and the toilet you just used in the background.
6. The “Look I have friends, I swear” selfie with a group of people you never talk about or reference, but refer to as “besties,” “bros,” or “homies” every few months in the selfies you take together.
Love is in the air for Valentine’s Day, along with cries for immigration reform, economic fairness and equal justice.
Is there a way for the politically active pocha or pocho to get lucky AND make the world a better place?
Yes, there is! Check out our list of the Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines you can use this Valentine’s Day:
8. What do we want? A quiet romantic dinner for two! When do we want it? Friday night — what do you think — 8-ish?
7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a MEChA like this?
6. Is that a GMO-free organic sustainably-raised earth-friendly heirloom local family farm non-corporate elote in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Mas…Pocho Ocho top activist pickup lines for Valentine’s Day
White House insiders indicate the President’s State of the Union address tonight will have a few surprises for the Congressional and TV audiences.
Here are the top eight:
8. The NSA will intercept Republicans’ text messages to each other and display them on the JumboTron in real time
7. President Obama will be sporting snazzy new Uncle Sugar costume
6. Mass wedding performed according to Sharia Law
Mas…Expect these Pocho Ocho ‘surprises’ in the State of the Union
Former stoner Barack Obama doesn’t think marijuana “is more dangerous than alcohol,” according to The New Yorker:
“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol,” the president said.
But if mota is not more dangerous than alcohol, what is? Here are the top eight contenders:
Mas…Obama’s List: Pocho Ocho things more dangerous than alchohol
To be a Chipster (Chicano + Hipster) is not a destination, but a journey, and seekers must never rest. These are the Pocho Ocho Chipster New Year’s Resolutions our readers shared with us:
8. Despite the Indio heritage that gives me a sparse Fu Manchu facial hair configuration, I resolve to grow a Chente-strength bigote in 2014.
7. Nopalitos every day keeps the doctor away.
6. Repeat after me: Tenochtitlan, not panocha flan.
Mas…Survey says? Pocho Ocho top Chipster New Year’s Resolutions
Despite promises, 2013 Pendejo of the Year Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) has not relinquished his Canadian citizenship.
Here are the Pocho Ocho reasons why:
Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Sen. Ted Cruz is still a Canadian citizen
The latest Hey Vato! video prompted a little soul searching by the Pochodores.
What are Pocho Ocho worst presents you could get or give this Christmas?
8. A used shank
7. Threefried beans
6. Governor Jan Brewja Doll
Here is a listicle partially inspired by a mas longer listicle on BuzzFeed, because they are the listicle professionals, tu sabes.
¡Mira! The Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican household/family:
8. Virgen de Guadalupe veladoras.
7. Your first introduction to dramatic acting was a telenovela.
6. You always wondered why gringos celebrated Cinco de Mayo more than your family.
5. You can recognize the Aztec princess Iztaccihuatl AND the warrior Popocateptl (photo) on sight.
Mas…Pocho Ocho signs you grew up in a Mexican family/household
See this painting that is supposed to depict the first Thanksgiving? It’s wrong wrong wrong. What really went on at that epic feast so long ago?
We’ve got eight things right here:
8. The frozen string beans in the casserole were past their sell-by date
7. Pilgrim Zephaniah Winslow = silent but deadly
6. Squanto’s succotash was really takeout from Naco Bell
We found this blog called Stuff Educated Chicanos Like | Information on those kids from Aztlan and it’s like it was conceived and written about us here at Pocho, but no.
The blog started in 2008 and hasn’t been updated since 2011, but it still makes us LOL.
(We stole just eight headlines from the original 23 entries for this Pocho Ocho list, so you’ll have to read this post and find the link at the end for the extensive original story.)
¡Mira! Pocho Ocho things educated Chicanos like, with links to POCHO examples:
8. Salma Hayek
Aside from not sailing to “India,” Christopher Columbus got many other things wrong:
8. He forgot the extra pair of chonies his abuela packed for him.
7. He named all of his ships after cholas, but forgot La Sad Girl.
6. He didn’t stop to ask for directions.
Mas…Pocho Ocho other things Christopher Columbus totally got wrong
Driving is bad for your lady parts, according to Saudi Sheikh Saleh bin Saad al-Luhaydan, a “judicial and psychological consultant to the Gulf Psychological Association.”
Driving ‘could have a reverse physiological impact. Physiological science and functional medicine studied this side [and found] that it automatically affects ovaries and rolls up the pelvis. This is why we find for women who continuously drive cars their children are born with clinical disorders of varying degrees,” al-Luhaydayn told Saudi news website sabq.org.
But that’s only the beginning of the problems that are caused when women take the wheel. Here’s the sheikh’s list of the Pocho Ocho other side-effects:
Mas…Careful, ladies: Driving ‘rolls up the pelvis’ and Pocho Ocho other things
Hispanics across the United Estates are giddy with excitement as they prepare to observe Hispanic Heritage Month 2013, which starts in 10 days.
But with so much excitement, it’s easy to forget the fundamentals of this Federally-established fiesta.
¡Mira! A checklist! Here are the Pocho Ocho ways to prepare for Hispanic Heritage Month:
8. Reset your calendar so months begin on 15th
7. Purchase and enjoy all 57 bean varieties from Hispanic comida conglomerate Goya
6. Grow a luxurious mustache — you too, mujeres!
We don’t know what the schedule is in your barrio, but here in Pocho Estates, A Gated Community, the kids are starting a new school year.
We know it’s not easy, the way things are in the world today. The Libtard’s “climate change” hoax, the Federal Reserve’s phony money and Obummer’s Gay Socialist Nazi Muslim New World Order all conspire to make things difficult, especially for you, Mr. or Ms. Returning to School First World Entitled Student.
So the world better understands your plight, we’ve compiled your Pocho Ocho back-to-school gripes:
8. I didn’t get the new iPhone
7. My bulletproof backpack is so heavy
6. My parents say no tattoo until senior year
POCHO’s Subcommandanta del Ñews Sara Inés Calderón (also known as @SaraChicaD on the Twitter) is very particular about the foods she likes. Here are her Pocho Ocho faves…