Pocho Ocho

Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something

Pocho Ocho other smartphone alerts besides Amber Alerts

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amberalertThe Golden State’s smartphone users were startled late Monday night and early Tuesday morning as their phones buzzed, beeped and/or flashed an Amber Alert, the very first issued by the California Highway Patrol.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

It’s all thanks to the Wireless Emergency Alert program, a cellphone version of the Emergency Alert System that gives you the high-pitched test tone on your television.

Cellphone owners receive messages automatically, based on their proximity to the emergency, not based on their phone number.

And while accused kidnapper James Lee DiMaggio and kidnap victims Hannah Anderson, 16, and Ethan Anderson, 8, are still missing, cellphone owners have found that their iPhones, Androids and BlackBerries have the potential to issue alerts for all sorts of things.

Here are the Pocho Ocho potential alerts you probably weren’t aware of:

8. The Meta Amber Alert: Another Amber Alert is coming soon, so don’t freak the hell out

7. Like A Good Neighbor Alert: George Zimmerman just joined your Neighborhood Watch

6. Stinking Badges Alert: Sheriff Joe Arpaio is rounding up a posse

Mas…Pocho Ocho other smartphone alerts besides Amber Alerts

Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead

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elpatoskullNBC reports that El Pato Salsa Picante has been withdrawn from the American market because tests found it was contaminated with lead. El Pato is just one of several Mexican salsa brands that contain the poisonous substance, according to scientists at the University of Nevada Las Vegas.

Of course, there’s no way lead is the only nasty in these little bottles. And sure enough — buried in footnotes at the bottom of the report — are the Pocho Ocho OTHER sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce:

8. The average Cholula bottle contains 10 micrograms per deciliter of the “Bacillus Botas Picudas”, an organic pathogen thought to be behind the craving for pointy  boots.

7. Habaneros chiles may be the top ingredient in El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero, but lurking at the bottom of the list are 8.8 micrograms per deciliter of “Barba Habanera,” said to be a homeopathic solution of hair scraped from Comrade Fidel’s razor.

Mas…Pocho Ocho sketchy substances in Mexican hot sauce besides lead

Are you a ‘Chipster’ (Chicano + hipster)? Pocho Ocho ways to tell

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Are you a Chipster (Chicano + hipster)? There are Pocho Ocho ways to tell. You might be a Chipster if…

8. You wear skinny jeans instead of Levi’s when swimming at the beach

7. You scored a medical marijuana prescription to protect you from the ojo

6. Your tricked-out chrome lowrider bike is a vintage Schwinn fixie

Mas…Are you a ‘Chipster’ (Chicano + hipster)? Pocho Ocho ways to tell

They know what we want! Pocho Ocho trendiest Latino baby foods

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gordobaby400BURNS: Smithers! The Latinos! With the demographics! And the babies! Quick, we need Latino baby food! It’s a goldmine of a wagon de band upon which we must to hop!

SMITHERS: But, Mr. Burns? Latino baby food? WTF? For God’s sake, man, we already have Clorox Latino. When will the madness end?

BURNS: It’s already happening, Smithers, and I just read on Fox Latino that “one of the concerns that Hispanic mothers have is losing touch with their culture and their culinary roots.” Cashing in on concerns is the capitalist way, Smithers. Release the perros!

What are these trendy Latino baby food items anyhow? We’ve got the deets on the Pocho Ocho:

Mas…They know what we want! Pocho Ocho trendiest Latino baby foods

Pocho Ocho ways to tell you’re watching ‘Latino ñews’

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twocastersIt’s no surprise to us Pochodores — it’s why we started POCHO.COM:

Actual research reveals more and more U.S. Latinos are getting their ñews in Ingles — ñews from respected journalists like brothers Jorge Cooper-Ramos (right), and Anderson Ramos-Cooper (left.)

OK, sometimes Latinos get their ñews from Gustavo Almadovar live in the O.C., but not lately.

Meanwhile, Univision is leading in the July ratings wars with the most viewers under 50, the first time a Spanish-language network topped the charts.

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to tell you’re watching ‘Latino ñews’

Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar

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gaymayorBenjamin Medrano, 47, won Fresnillo’s July 7 election and will take office this September. His election — he is said to be the first openly-gay mayor in Mexico’s history — has led some observers to speculate that famously-macho Mexicans didn’t really know Medrano was gay, or didn’t believe him when he told them.

Hey, Zacatecas! Try these Pocho Ocho ways to calibrate your gaydar:

8. P.A.N. — not gay. P.R.I. — gay.

7. Maria del Barrio — not gay. Maria del Zona Rosa — gay.

6. Blue Demon — not gay. Santo Gay — gay.

Mas…Attention, Zacatecas: Pocho Ocho top ways to calibrate your gaydar

The Pocho Ocho top favorite ways racists try to tell me off

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Screen Shot 2013-07-15 at 9.59.39 AMIt comes with the territory — when you tackle controversial issues you attract controversial responses.  Or, as I like to call it, Crackpot Racist Hate Mail From Right Wing Nut Jobs (CRHMFRWNJ for short.)

Some of the messages scrawled on paper bags in crayon (and blood?) are mailed to various newspapers around the country that publish La Cucaracha and/or my editorial cartoons.  Some post comments here on POCHO and assorted loons follow me from Twitter to Facebook to my blog to leave me droppings from their thought processes.  No one follows them around with pooper escoopers, so I’m stuck with what they call in the sewage industry “solid waste” — mierda for you pochos.

I spent maybe 10 or 20 minutes going through the folder on my Mac desktop named Love_Letters, and came up with this list of my Pocho Ocho favorite insults:

8. Go back to Africa!

Mas…The Pocho Ocho top favorite ways racists try to tell me off

Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)

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texasmapThe anti-abortion SB5 bill was delayed but not defeated after Sen. Wendy Davis’s spectacular filibuster with pink sneakers, but the battle for common sense in Texas (photo, above) continues.

We already told you about the attempt to outlaw “looking too Mexican,” but that’s not the only trick the Republicans have up their (cotton-poly-blend) sleeves.

From our Ostin Especial Correspondents — this just in — here are the GOP’s Pocho Ocho new proposals for Texas:

8. Henceforth, the value for Pi π shall, for efficiency purposes, be rounded down to 3.00; additionally only apple pi is permitted

7. SB666, dubbed the “God Is My Co-Pilot Bill,” requires a Gideon Bible in every glove compartment

6. Hug a tree, go to jail

Mas…Pocho Ocho new ignorant GOP proposals for Texas (photos, video)

Pocho Ocho things you should know now that Salvadorans > Cubans

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People with roots in El Salvador may soon replace Cuban-Americans as the third-largest “Hispanic-origin group,” according to The Pew Research Center:

For more than 40 years, one rock-solid element of Hispanic demographics has been the relative ranking of the three largest Hispanic-origin groups: Mexicans have always been the largest by population, followed by Puerto Ricans and then Cubans.

But this may be changing. The Salvadoran population’s growth rate has been about double that of the Cuban population (33% versus 17%). As a result, the Salvadoran population is now poised to overtake the Cuban population in the next few years.

But what does this mean to me, you ask? Here are the Pocho Ocho things you should know about your new neighbors:

Mas…Pocho Ocho things you should know now that Salvadorans > Cubans

Pocho Ocho things about the USA that surprise Cuban defectors

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Cuban ballet dancers who recently defected from their troupe in Mexico and now live in Miami are “amazed at how many foods come canned and can be easily heated up in a microwave,” according to the Associated Press.

Canned foods! But wait, there’s mas. Here are the Pocho Ocho other things about the U.S. that also surprised our new island immigrants:

8. Studebaker, DeSoto, Willys and Nash are out of the automobile business

7. America’s most famous Cuban? Mark Cuban

6. Fidel is a sofa bed mogul and Che sells t-shirts

Mas…Pocho Ocho things about the USA that surprise Cuban defectors

Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes

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It’s not just the National Security Agency (NSA) doing the esnooping and espying.

Great Britain’s MI5 and MI6 are American partners in Europe. Israel’s Mossad and Shin Bet have the Mideast portfolio.

And in Latino communities in the United Estates, invading your privacy has been outsourced to the Mexican Security Agency (MSA).

Paranoid yet? Here are the Pocho Ways to tell if the Mexican Security Agency (MSA) is espying on you:

8. Neighborhood burros watch you suspiciously after you wake up from your cactus-shaded siesta.

7. Whenever you post that you ROFLMAO when you really only LOL, you get an anonymous text that says “En boca cerrada, no entran moscas.”

6. When Chivas fans do the “Mexican wave” on TV, they hold up big cards that spell out your email password.

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to tell the MSA is esnooping and espying on ustedes

Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent

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The Honorable Judge Edith Jones, who sits on the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New Orleans, is a true American patriot who refuses to bow down to the idols of political correctness.

At a February lecture at the Law School of the University of Pennsylvania, Jones “asserted as fact the proposition that blacks and Hispanics are more likely to commit violent crimes,” according so-called “ethics complaints” filed by some extreme left-wing crime-coddling special interest elite pressure groups.

Complain all you want, you Muslim Brotherhood Kenyan socialist libtards! Consider these Pocho Ocho things that prove Latinos and blacks are more violent:

8. Juan Ga
7. Ru Paul
6. Love Train

Mas…Pocho Ocho things that prove blacks and Latinos are more violent

Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters

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It’s no secret: The Grand Old Party needs some new blood.

If the Republican Party, formerly the “Party of Lincoln,” is to succeed nationally, it needs more women, “minorities,” and younger voters. Old angry reactionary white people is not a growing constituency.

Here are Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can bring more young voters aboard:

8. Refer to them as “whippersnappers”

7. Say “dang-fangled” as much as possible

6. Promise 72 virgins to new party members

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways the GOP can lure back young voters

Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

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The Disney Corp’s new princess-inspired quinceañera gowns are but the first in a new line of Latina Rites of Passage gowns, PNS has learned.

The new dresses for tweens and teens are “designed to honor the milestones in young Latinas’ lives in the passionate, spicy way Disney defines Hispanic identities,” a Disney spokesperson said. Aside from the quinceañera gowns (photo) Disney has eight other dresses ready to mark these Rites of Passage:

8. First minimum wage job

7. First walk of shame

6. First boy gets to second base

Mas…Disney’s quinceañera gowns intro new Latina Rites of Passage line

Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things

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The news broke out of Phoenix late Friday, but to tell you the truth, we weren’t surprised. Judge G. Murray Snow of the United States District Court for Arizona officially declared the policing policies of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio unconstitutionally “racist.”

The New York Times summed up the decision this way:

… the sheriff relied on racial profiling and illegal detentions to target Latinos, using their ethnicity as the main basis for suspecting they were in the country illegally. Many of the people targeted were American citizens or legal residents.

It took us a while to read the entire ruling but we went through the whole thing and came up with eight additional findings about “America’s toughest sheriff”:

Mas…Sheriff Joe is racist, says Federal judge, and Pocho Ocho other things

Pocho Ocho best ways to market to ‘Hispanics’

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They’re confused, the poor marketeers. They try so hard to sell fish esticks and bleach and PETA to “Hispanics,” but they are low and slow on the learning curve.

Nearly Half of Second-Gen Hispanics Feel Like Ads Don’t Target Them, laments the tradezine Adweek.

You mean pochos with limited/zero Spanish aren’t picking up trendy brand tips watching telenovelas on Spanish-language TV? And nobody reading this story really cares all that much about Juanes’ aftershave? What’s an earnest marketeer to do?

Los Pochodores are here to help with the Pocho Ocho best ways to reach out to that elusive “Hispanic” market:

Mas…Pocho Ocho best ways to market to ‘Hispanics’

Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

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It’s in the Jewy Old Testament, written from right to left in Leviticus, Chapter 19, Verses 33-34, where God tells Moses (photo, left):

If a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not do him wrong. The stranger that sojourneth with you shall be unto you as the home-born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

God-fearing Christian Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) sure as Hell doesn’t think that means making nice to undocumented immigrants and he was quite happy to tell evangelical so-called Christian pro-reform advocates that he knows The Bible better than they do.

“I think this idea that somehow love, statements in Leviticus 19, is not the kind of thing that would indicate that we shouldn’t have laws,” Sessions mansplained. “Some people have been citing the Scripture, I think, pretty loosely,” he added.

Mas…Pocho Ocho Republican things you didn’t know were in The Bible

Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

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It’s tough for hermanas out there trying to find love — especially with the anonymity of the online dating world. What makes it even harder for Latinas online is how easy it can be for dudes to be jerks, specifically, racist jerks.

Here’s our list of the top eight racist things said to Latinas in online dating sites:

8. I’ll be your anchor baby.

7. Chupa mi cabra.

6. Our future children won’t speak Spanish, like real Americans.

Mas…Pocho ocho most racist things said to Latinas on online dating sites

Pocho Ocho signs that you are a renter

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Here at POCHO headquarters, not all of us own our own homes. As a matter of fact, some of us are the victims of less-than-concerned landlords. Oh, the joys of renting!

Here are the Pocho ocho signs that you’re renting:

8. Your towel rack is broken for weeks at a time and you have to hang your towel on the front stoop, which “brings down property values” but doesn’t lower your rent.

7. You can hear cats having sex on every side of your apartment complex in the middle of the night.

6. Toilets, showers and sinks occasionally overflow with water that smells funny.

Mas…Pocho Ocho signs that you are a renter

AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

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Associated Press (AP), the cooperative news service used by print, broadcast and online media, today dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from its stylebook:

‘Illegal immigrant’ no more
Posted on 04/02/2013 by Paul Colford
The AP Stylebook today is making some changes in how we describe people living in a country illegally.

Senior Vice President and Executive Editor Kathleen Carroll explains the thinking behind the decision:

The Stylebook no longer sanctions the term “illegal immigrant” or the use of “illegal” to describe a person. Instead, it tells users that “illegal” should describe only an action, such as living in or immigrating to a country illegally…. [Continued at AP]

But that’s not all! Here are the Pocho Ocho other designations dropped by AP:

8. Chancla-throwers

7. Elote-eaters

6. Paleta people

Mas…AP’s Pocho Ocho dropped names beside ‘illegal immigrant’

Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

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Spring began at 7:02 EDT this morning as the Northern Hemisphere marked the Vernal Equinox. But if you’re not looking at a calendar, how would you know? Here are the pocho ocho best ways to tell that Spring has sprung:

8. Muslim Brotherhood now wears sundresses to Arab Spring protests and violent crackdowns

7. Hunger-striking Guantanamo Bay prisoners are working on their tans

6. Jan Brewer goes wild in Baja with the sorority sisters of Kappa Kappa Kappa

Mas…Pocho Ocho top ways to tell Spring has esprung

Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

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Some, like POCHO amigo Gustavo ¡Ask A Mexican! Arellano, say it started with Tapatio-flavored Fritos, Doritos, and Ruffles.

Others trace the flavor reconquista to Starbucks’ testing out nopal-flavored espresso drinks in East Los Angeles. But know this: The national introduction of Tapatio-flavored Lays potato chips next week is only the beginning.

Flavoristas say you should look out for these Pocho Ocho Mexican-flavored products in the near future:

8. Horchata-flavored Jaegermeister: Hormeister!

7. Tres Flores presents serrano-chile-flavored bigote wax — sabor picante is just a lick away

6. Chia Coke

Mas…Pocho Ocho new Mexican-flavored products (like Tapatio Cheetos)

Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

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The “sequester” has already forced the release from detention of some accused undocumented immigrants. Now the budget cutbacks have started affecting  other aspects of American government.

Here are eight addtional changes you can expect:

8. The CIA will only poison leftist leaders with cancer on alternate Wednesdays

7. Government procurement contracts now cap toilet seats prices at $20,000

6. Senate expense accounts now limit lawmakers to three gay hooker visits per week

Mas…Pocho Ocho lesser-known effects of the Federal budget ‘sequester’

Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

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The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church locked themselves inside the Vatican’s historic Sistine Chapel Tuesday to choose the next Pope.  In accordance with tradition, they will communicate the results of their deliberations to the outside world via smoke signals.

Black smoke means no one got enough votes (two-thirds of those voting must agree) to become Pope, and white smoke means Habemus Papam — Latino for “We have a Pope.”

But that’s not all!  Here are the pocho ocho other smoke signals the Cardinals will send to let you know what’s going on inside the Sistine Chapel:

8. Green smoke:  Habemus frogam

7. Rainbow smoke: We have a new Pope and he is fabulous

6. Red smoke: OK, which one of you Cardinals put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the ballot box?

Mas…Pocho Ocho other Papal smoke signals beside black and white

Pocho Ocho ways to deal with a boss who is ‘all hands’

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Women’s History Month is a good time to spotlight sexual harassment at work.

Congress has reauthorized the Violence Against Women Act, sure, but legal action isn’t always an option, like when you’re on a business trip with the boss, or in his office for a late-night meeting.

Here are the pocho ocho ways to fend off a boss who is all hands:

8. In your best Latina voice, scream “¡No, patron, por favor, no!”

7.  He’s grabby? Grab back…and squeeeeeeeze!

6. Just go with it — you’re already asking for it with that blouse!

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways to deal with a boss who is ‘all hands’

Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

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Eric Brown, 36, of Pt. Lucie, FL, is awaiting an arraignment for “assault” because he allegedly threw a Taco Bell burrito in his 16-year-old brother-in-law’s face.

Just so you don’t run afoul of the Law of Burritos, make note of the pocho ocho things you should never EVER do with a Taco Bell burrito:

8. Smoosh it in a 16-year-old’s face

7. Use it as a suppository

6. Mix with papier mache to make a piñata

Mas…Pocho Ocho absolutely worst things to do with a Taco Bell burrito

Pocho Ocho Latinos who confuse white peeps (we all look the same!)

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People are often confused by different Latinos — it’s hard to tell us apart if we all look the same, right?

Here’s a quick roundup of the top eight folks who get mistaken for each other. Let us know if we missed any in the comments!

8. Pocho superstars Gustavo Arellano and Lalo Alcaraz

7. Pitbull the dog and Pitbull the singer

6. Airplane buddies Edward James Olmos and Jan Brewer

Mas…Pocho Ocho Latinos who confuse white peeps (we all look the same!)

The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

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8. Candy Bra: Lets face it, dude, the gift wasn’t really for your girl — it was for your own enjoyment. If eating chalky conversation hearts is what turns you on, you might as well just give her one. Plus, you could have thrown it on her body when she was naked. Now you just wasted $14.95 instead of Brachs conversation hearts which are 99 cents.

7. Humidifer: Don’t buy shit just because it’s on sale, unless he or she has severe allergies. Do not let yourself look like a mouth breather.

6. Electric Blanket: I know, I know, I actually got this as a gift on Valentine’s Day. He explained that because he had a Jeep I should take it along when we go out. Shortly after the relationship ended, the blanket ended as well when my niece spilled her Dora the Explorer juice box all over it.

Mas…The Pocho Ocho worst Valentine’s Day gifts evah?

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