Pocho Ocho

Pocho Ocho Top Reasons That X is Y, or something

Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

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The Internets are buzzing with questions about about Gov. Mitt Romney’s appearance on last night’s Univision forum live from Miami. Digerati are confused about what he said AND how he looked.

POCHO’s Campaign Team 2012 was online all night handling their news sources to find the Pocho Ocho reasons the candidate looked so dark-skinned:

8. Was present at explosion at enchilada sauce factory

7. Stayed in a sauna too long with Speaker John Boehner

6. He is a huge Annoying Orange fan

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Romney appeared so ‘dark’ on Univision

Pocho Ocho ‘Hispanic Heritage’ items we want in the Smithsonian

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Are you buying a new dress, ladies, perhaps a chingon chapeau? Inviting the family over for a Sonoran hot dog party? After all, National Hispanic Heritage Month 2012 starts on Saturday. Your special month is brought to you by the good folks at Tio Sam Dot Gov, the same people who thought “Hispanic” made sense on U.S. Census forms.

From the official website:

The Library of Congress, National Archives and Records Administration, National Endowment for the Humanities, National Gallery of Art, National Park Service, Smithsonian Institution and United States Holocaust Memorial Museum join in paying tribute to the generations of Hispanic Americans who have positively influenced and enriched our nation and society.

While we’re sure the gente in Washington are doing their very best, we have our own list of the pocho ocho “Hispanic” iconic items that should be in the Smithsonian:

Mas…Pocho Ocho ‘Hispanic Heritage’ items we want in the Smithsonian

Pocho Ocho best words the French gave to Spanglish

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The French have contributed a great deal to pocho culture, including some choice palabras. We got a few of them together for your review:

8. Mamón You might think it means “asshole,” but in French it sounds like “mother.” Don’t be a douche.

7. Chingadeaux It sounds fancy when you spell it in French, but in Spanish it’s an expletive.

6. Le Cuchí In French it means “smart woman.”

Mas…Pocho Ocho best words the French gave to Spanglish

Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

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The political conventions are finally over and the poll results are in: Latinos don’t really care.

How can this be!? The Democrats saw the GOP’s Rubio and raised them two Castros!

To help our political friends understand, here are the Pocho Ocho reasons Latino voters were not turned on by the conventions:

8. No piñatas crafted in the opponent’s likeness.

7. No sophisticated flamenco dance numbers performed by kindergarteners.

6. No midgets.

Mas…Pocho Ocho reasons Latinos weren’t turned on by political conventions

Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

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Former President Bill Clinton’s speech Wednesday to the Democratic Convention was long (48 minutes), complex and filled with facts and arithmetic — maybe too long and filled, although girth is as important as length according to the email we get here.

As a public service, therefore, and sanitized for your protection, we present the Pocho Ocho best lines from Clinton’s speech to the DNC:

8. In Hope, Arkansas, offshore banking deposits are at that glory hole down by Stonewall Creek.

7. Republican arithmetic makes as much sense to this old country boy as those Chinese hookers in Harlem!

6. Sandra Fluke: Call me maybe.

Mas…Bill Clinton’s Pocho Ocho best lines in his speech to the DNC

Pocho Ocho bits dropped from the Democrat’s convention schedule

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As fact checkers continue ripping apart the speeches from last week’s GOP liarpalooza, wary Democratic National Convention officials have dropped some scenes from their own star-studded Great Moments in White House History Pageant.

Here are the Pocho Ocho historical recreations you won’t see at the Democrat’s convention:

8.  Franklin D. Roosevelt (Bill Murray) is all about West Wing wheelchair wheelies as he sends Japanese-American citizens into “internment” camps

7. Harry Truman (Lewis Black) tries on funny hats and growls as he orders the nuking of Hiroshima and Nagasaki

6. John F. Kennedy (Dr. House) humps Mafia hookers, gets high on pain killers and decides it’s a good idea to send “military advisors” to help the corrupt military dictatorship in an obscure former French colony in Southeast Asia

Mas…Pocho Ocho bits dropped from the Democrat’s convention schedule

Top Tips: Pocho Ocho ways modern Chicanas can get their man

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Anyone who has read the Dear Abuelita columns, or dated, knows that it can be a rough world out there. Here we are, beautiful, educated Chicanas, and we can’t seem to bag husbands in time to put a bun in the oven.

What’s a Chicana to do? We came up with a few ways that modern Chicanas can bag a man in no time:

8. Make friends with his mom. That way, she can just order him to go out with you.

7. Get in a fight with his ex. While this may not result in a relationship, it will certainly get his attention, and shit, who doesn’t love to watch girls fight?

6. Flirt with his best friend. Machismo at its finest would not permit a man to see a woman he liked with another vato.

Mas…Top Tips: Pocho Ocho ways modern Chicanas can get their man

Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

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In an effort to capture the growing Latino audience, Grammy-winning producer Emilio Estefan (better known for marrying Gloria Estafan), will be producing a Latino-themed TV drama. Estafan hopes to create a show that will attract a Latino audience without “demeaning roles.”

Good luck Emilio! There’s no better example of Latino pride than El Chavo del Ocho!

Here are our suggested top eight Latino-themed tv dramas:

8. Dos Mujeres, Un Doctor Who – A handsome Time Lord battles evil MIGRA robots while forced to choose between two sexy companions.
7. Frijole & Isles – (pero que? son patas?)
6. Mariachi Medium – A man has visions of violent crimes while playing the tuba in shiny pants.

Mas…Hey, Hollywood! Peep your next Pocho Ocho Latino TV blockbusters

Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

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Hoping to capitalize on the enormous groundswell of support they’ve generated with their new definitions of life, marriage and assault weapons, the GOP braintrust is planning to premiere a Republican Dictionary at next week’s convention in Tampa, FLA.

We got a brief peek at a draft (the “rape” definition was leaked Monday); check out the Pocho Ocho best definitions:

8. Rape: When a man loves a woman
7. Voting: What white people get to do
6. Minorities: Three-fifths of a person

Mas…Pocho Ocho best definitions in the new ‘Republican Dictionary’

Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

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8. Don’t wear your sombrero to the office — unless it’s casual sombrero Friday.

7. If you are going to speak in Spanish at the office, talk shit about your non-Spanish speaking co-workers.

6. Respond with “Yes, I am an immigrant” when your co-workers ask you where you are from. You don’t want to be rude and tell them you were actually born in Chicago, now do you?

Mas…Work in ‘The Office’? You need our Pocho Ocho Pro Tips for Latinos

Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

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Now that we know that GOP VP pick Paul “Unclear on the Details” Ryan loves anti-establishment (and anti-Ryan) L.A. pocho punk band Rage Against the Machine, we thought we’d check out what else is on his playlist.

Here are the Pocho Ocho most-played bands on the pendejo’s iPod:

8. Johnny Rebel
7. The Michelle Bachmann Corndog Quartet
6. Das Racist

Mas…Paul Ryan’s Pocho Ocho favorite bands besides RATM

Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

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He’s artificially intelligent, muy guapo with dark hair and blue eyes, plus he speaks and understands Spanish and English. He also has a new, high-profile job with Tio Sam’s U.S. Customs and Border Protection Service interviewing people crossing into Los United Estates at Nogales, AZ (photo, above.)

What’s he missing aside from a body and an analog existence? This poor robovato needs a name; right now his bosses just refer to him as the AVATAR (Automated Virtual Agent for Truth Assessments in Real-Time.)

Here are the Pocho Ocho names we like best:

8. Mex Headroom
7. C3 Pito
6. Will Robinson

Mas…Pocho Ocho suggested names for new Nogales MIGRA robot

Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans

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Can’t get no respect, not even from Wikipedia.

The online encyclopedia offers a comprehensive entry on ethnic slurs:

  • Bad names for Italians? Wikipedia is right there with Dago, Goombah, Greaseball, Guido, Guinea and Wop.
  • Wikipedia offers a shoutout to the Jews: Hymie, Kike, Mocky, Hebe and Sheeny.
  • African-Americans? Wikipedia has you covered: Coon, Crow, Boogie, Eggplant, Macacaca, Sambo and Spook.

And yet there is no listing of nasty names for Latinos in general, let alone Mexicans. No pinche respect!

So, pochos, if you’re Wikipedia editors, please note our Pocho Ocho top ethnic slurs for Mexicans:

Mas…Wikipedia: Please add these Pocho Ocho ethnic slurs for Mexicans

The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms

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Pope Benedict XVI‘s 2010 statement that condoms are OK to prevent the spread of HIV is getting new attention now that some religious institutions are fighting a mandate to offer birth control as part of employee health plans.

The Pontiff’s relaxing the rules on condoms was mostly overlooked when he made it, along with Pocho Ocho other changes in Catholic doctrine you might not be aware of:

8. Premarital sex still forbidden except on alternate side of the week Thursdays.

7. It’s now OK to refer to the Three Wise Men as the Three Wise Dudes.

6. Confession now starts with “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned but You Only Live Once.”

Mas…The Pope’s Pocho Ocho relaxed rules for Catholics besides condoms

Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

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8. Mr. Clean:  Although a white male, not a very diverse pick, Mr. Clean makes Mexican Mitt’s hair stand out even more when they stand next to each other.

7. Quaker Oats Quaker:  Another white male, but this man’s religious values and the fact that he stands for America, makes him attractive to the Romney camp. It’s the right thing to do.

6. Uncle Ben:  Fight fire with fire! Mexican Mitt says  the best way to displace the first African-American president  is to bring along a black chef! Isaac Hayes was not available.

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney’s Pocho Ocho picks for Vice Presidente

Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

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Ann is having having trouble taking dictation (her Blackberries are on the wrong side of the estreet or something) so here are my personal Pocho Ocho Top Tweets from England for ustedes:

8. Mexican Mitt Romney: DAMN THERE’S A LOT OF MUSLIMS HERE

7. Mexican Mitt Romney: WE’RE GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS IN DRESSAGE, BEECHES

6. Mexican Mitt Romney: WHERE’S THE NEAREST CHICK-A-FILA?

Mas…Mexican Mitt Romney: My Pocho Ocho top Tweets from England

Mea maxima culpa: The Pocho Ocho top Chicano sins

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It’s rough being a Chicano, one little misstep and you can crap all over the sanctity of your Chicanismo. Here’s a list of the top eight Chicano sins you want to avoid, just in case you have trouble keeping track.

8. Changing your name to an Aztec name: If you’re Rosa, don’t pretend like you’re really Xochitl just because you joined MEChA. And that goes for you, too, Nezahualcoyotl, I mean Erick.

7. Confusing Emiliano Zapata with Pancho Villa: Yes, they both had mustaches, but not all Mexicans look the same. One of them was a revolutionary or something, right?

6. Talking shit about RATM: Every Chicano loves Rage Against The Machine, without question, everyone knows this. How dare you?!

Mas…Mea maxima culpa: The Pocho Ocho top Chicano sins

Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.

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Remember how Chevrolet totally FAILED when they introduced the Chevy Nova (photo) because “no va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish and people all over Latin America just laughed and laughed at the stupid gringos and didn’t buy any Novas? That story is bullshit.

But English en Espanol can be as wack as Spanish in Ingles, and that’s why these Pocho Ocho Mexican products have bleak sales prospects in Los United Estates:

8. Bicho Killer insecticide

7. Her Pez canned tuna

6. Golden Piscina bubble bath

Mas…Pocho Ocho Mexican products unlikely to make it in the U.S.

Pocho Ocho ways birthday girl Frida Kahlo has influenced our lives

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Those eyebrows, that hair, those monkeys. Happy birthday Frida Kahlo! We celebrate your awesome influence on our pocho lives by listing the top eight ways you’ve influenced us.

8. Made us think we, too, could be an artist. After all, she painted her own reality, right?

7. Inspired us to stop plucking your eyebrows. Or maybe you just didn’t feel like a chola anymore.

6. Helped us fall in love. If Frida could love a crazy fat man like Diego Rivera, surely the love of your life — and his panza — are worth the ride, too!

Mas…Pocho Ocho ways birthday girl Frida Kahlo has influenced our lives

Pocho Ocho favorite Mexican fireworks

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Used to be you could always celebrate the Fourth of July along the border in the most patriotic way: by detonating illegal Mexican fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite dangerous Mexican fireworks from when men were men, and fireworks were weapons grade bundles o’ fun!

8. Guadalajara Guarheads
7. Tijuana TNT
6. La La La La La Bomba

Mas…Pocho Ocho favorite Mexican fireworks

Pocho Ocho worst possible summer vacation destinations

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School’s out, summer’s in. Where you going for vacation? Huh? We asked you a question!

OK then.  Be that way. Two can play that game. Here’s our list of the Pocho Ocho worst possible vacation destinations:

8. Community service. Were you volunteered? Court-ordered? Did your mom rope you into it? Whether it’s babysitting bratty kids at church or painting over graffiti-ed walls that will be covered in new graffiti by the next morning, there’s nothing quite like serving your community.

7. The public pool. Why such a drag? Probably because it’s about 60% chlorine and 40% other peoples’ urine. Swim away!

6. Your family’s rancho in the old country. No running water, no AC, no TP, you may not speak the language, no TV, no Internet, your relatives laugh at you behind your back — or to your face — and you have no escape until your parents come back for you.

5. Sleeping under a cactus with your tío. What? Do Mexicans not do that anymore?

Mas…Pocho Ocho worst possible summer vacation destinations

Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!

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Previously on POCHO:

But is that the end of the fascinating food factorama? No guey! Check out these eight other hidden powers of Comida Latina:

8. You can use beans to power a moped
7. Vegetarianism is a gateway to loose American values
6. Eating a boiled duck egg fetus cures impotence
5. You can help end world hunger by eating more, mijo

Mas…Pocho Ocho fascinating hidden powers of Latino food!

Pocho Ocho other things banned in Houston beside piñatas

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In the suburbs of Houston – Harris County, TX – officials are reviewing a controversial policy that prohibits piñatas in certain county parks after Tony Diaz of Librotraficantes questioned the rule and signs that singled out piñatas:

It’s mind-boggling. Why be so culturally specific? If you want to say ‘No littering,’ then say ‘No littering.’ But this is like saying, ‘No Mexicans.’

We had to ask: What are the Pocho Ocho other things that are banned in Houston aside from piñatas?

8. Eating tacos without a fork

7. Parking cars on blocks

6. Sleeping under a cactus

Mas…Pocho Ocho other things banned in Houston beside piñatas

Pocho Ocho responses to &^%$#@ hot chile

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Not all pochos love hot chile, but the ones that do understand that there is more than one way to respond to that too-hot picante sauce in your mouth. Here’s a list of our Top Eight:

8. Denial – It’s not that hot. Maybe you are trying to impress your old country relatives, or a date, or anyone. But you know better. It’s hot and it stings.

7. Exaggerated mouth breathing – No one has ever confirmed that breathing heavily in and out of your mouth, as though you were doing lamaze, makes the chile any less hot, but you try it anyway.

6. Drinking water – Predictable. This doesn’t help of course.  Drink milk* which does.

Mas…Pocho Ocho responses to &^%$#@ hot chile

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